Men don't like me. They like the idea of me. But they don't like me. I should say, people don't like me. They like the idea of me so long ad I change fundamental aspects of who I am as a person.
I've been told forever to not settle. And I refuse to. I want to believe that someone out there won't ask me to change who I am as a person to be loved but as each day passes I lose that confidence a little more.
My least favorite thing is all these people who I think are friends. People who say they love me. Telling me to change fundamental aspects of who I am in order to gain a man's favor like it's the fucking 1800's and I'll die if I don't get fucked right now. Gotta stay available ya know. Legs open, mouth closed.
Men like the idea of a girl with a good job. One who is successful and knows what she wants. But they can't handle when she has an opinion or uses her voice to defend herself because they love strong women but no, not like that.
I spent my entire life hiding some aspect of who I am to get people to like me. Hell, the first time I decided to stop hiding and be fully myself? One of my 'best' friends wrote what can only be described as an exposé on how I was better before I stopped being embarrassed and before I stopped caring what people thought of me. Before I used my voice and stood up for myself. And you know what happened? I lost all my 'friends' because of her. I never told anyone either. I didn't want to hurt her because why would I? I should be the bigger person. Why should I be the bigger person? Who knows what kind of lies she told to cover her tracks. Everyone suddenly hated me soon after she found out I saw it. And that was because I realized my worth as a person was not gauged by their approval. If they truly loved me like they claimed, I wouldn't have left another high school alone.
That was the beginning of people asking me to be less of a person. To be quieter. To be embarrassed in public when people look at me. To 'tone it down'. To allow men to make me uncomfortable because they can't handle being called out. To shrink into that mold of who I should be to loved and wanted. All these people claim to love or loved me. And they all have asked me at one time or another to be less me. Less me.
