It happens after a visit at the Mayfield trailer. Eddie comes up with a wonderful plan to prank Steve: He’ll announce that he’s going back to his trailer but actually sneak and hide in the back seat of Steve’s BMW - he had stolen the keys earlier and secretly unlocked it.
So, when he sees Steve starting to wrap things up so the kids can spend time together, Eddie makes the announcement that he’s leaving, and gives Max a squeeze on the shoulder on the way out. He’s giddy with excitement as he climbs into the backseat and hunches down. He holds his breath after he hears Steve yell at everyone to take care from the front of the trailer.
The car door opens and closes, and Eddie waits a moment before he jumps out, letting Steve really settle into the comfort of his car. Instead, Steve mumbles under his breath, “Okay, Harrington, hold it together. Kids are watching.”
Eddie hears him start the car and feels him reversing back then taking off quickly. There’s a click and then a cassette starts playing which Steve starts singing along to. It would be endearing if his voice wasn’t so tight, sounding like he’s struggling to hold back tears.
Eddie doesn’t know what to do as he hears the first song end. Steve says to himself, “Use her as the fucking bait… and you just let it happen!” There’s a loud noise that Eddie thinks is the smack of a hand on the steering wheel.
He curls further into himself as the next song plays. It’s one of those playlist that he knows he would make fun of Steve for if he wasn’t practically choking out the lyrics. After a loud sob, there’s a deep breath and then a stern, “Steve Harrington doesn’t fucking cry. Steve Harrington doesn’t fucking-” it’s broken off with another sob.
Then the car is suddenly coming to a stop, and the car is filled with whatever pop song Steve has playing and the sounds of Steve Harrington gasping for breath as he lectures himself about not crying. It’s fucking devastating, but Eddie knows Steve would never forgive him if he revealed himself now.
“She might never fucking walk again you fucking idiot,” Steve says then there’s another loud smack. “You were supposed to take care of them,” Steve says voice cracking awfully. Eddie hand flies up to his mouth as he chokes back a sob. He doesn’t know when he started crying.
“I need air,” Steve announces suddenly with a gasp and then the car door is opening and slamming shut. Eddie takes a moment to debate his choices. He can attempt to hurry away although he didn’t pay any attention to where Steve was driving. Or he can keep hiding in the car and risk Steve finding him during the rest of his breakdown.
Eddie tries the door handle and slowly climbs out the back. He turns to find Steve standing off the side of some back road, hands on his hips, and face staring up at the sky. One hand rises up to pinch at his nose as tears fall down his red face. He looks like he’s trying as hard as he can to not let this take over him, and Eddie can hear him still lecturing himself.
Eddie can’t stand the sight. And he can’t leave. Maybe Steve will hate him forever for intruding, but Eddie can’t let him go through this alone. He lets the back door of the car shut firmly. Steve whips his head to the side, eyes wide in shock but red rimmed and filled with tears.
He reaches up and angrily wipes away the tears. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Steve asks. Eddie just slowly approaches him as if he were a wild animal. “Were you fucking hiding in my car?!” Steve yells.
Eddie’s just glad that his anger is directed at someone other than himself. “Fucking answer me, Munson!” Steve yells again, tears still streaming down his face which he wipes at again. Eddie doesn’t answer but slowly gets closer.
“Get the fuck away from me freak.” Eddie lets the insult roll off him as best as he can as he finally gets into Steve’s space. “Go away,” Steve whispers desperately. His words betray him as Steve doesn’t attempt to move back.
Eddie lifts his arms up and pulls Steve into a hug. He tenses up immediately. “It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Eddie says, and Steve finally gives in. He sobs into his neck, nearly close to hyperventilating as Eddie runs a hand through his hair. “I’ve got you, okay? I’ve got you,” Eddie repeats again and again as Steve loudly sobs.
“It-it’s my fault,” Steve says finally catching his breath, voice all twisted up in agony that makes Eddie choke out a sob.
“It’s not your fault, Steve,” Eddie says, trying to hold back his own tears.
“I could’ve stopped it. I should’ve stopped it,” Steve says weakly pounding his fist on Eddie’s chest.
Eddie’s hands comes up to intertwine his fingers in Steve’s, making him release the fist. “We all could’ve stopped it. We’re all at fault here. The weight of the world and the fate of these kids doesn’t need to fall on you. You can’t always save everyone, but you did.” Eddie feels Steve’s grip tighten on him as he continues, “She could’ve died, but she didn’t. She might be in that wheelchair for a long time, but she’s alive. Hell, she’s even back more of an attitude when I didn’t think it was possible.” Steve lightly laughs at the remark which makes Eddie’s hold on him tighten even further.
A few moments later, Steve’s breath begins to even out enough that Eddie decides he can loosen his grip on him. He takes the moment to pull Steve slightly away so he can cup his face in his hands. His eyes are swollen and there are still tears streaming down his red face. His bottom lip is quivering no matter how hard he’s trying to press his lips together. And there’s definitely snot and tears getting mixed under his nose. It’s an ugly cry, but Eddie thinks Steve looks beautiful.
“You saved me, too,” Eddie reminds Steve. “You saved us all.”
Steve’s watery eyes search Eddie’s before he’s slowly nodding, finally accepting that maybe he isn’t entirely at fault for everything that’s happened, and maybe he even caused some good.
Eddie kisses him on the forehead and pulls him back into a hug. “You can cry, too, you know. As much as you need to because I’ve got you. I’ll be here forever if you need me to be,” Eddie says softly.
“Promise?” Steve says quietly.
“Promise,” Eddie says, tugging Steve closer on the side of the road, feeling the dampness on his shirt grow as Steve finally lets go.
Steve can remember vividly the first time his mother told him to stop crying. He was only three years old barely able to make memories but he can see his mother's face sternly looking at his teary face. His father had never approved of him crying claiming that's only what girls did but for a few years his mother allowed it.
The first time his father hurt him he wanted to cry, he was only seven. A slap across the face and a harsh grab of his wrist all because Steve had walked in from school with muddy shoes. Steve only had muddy shoes because no-one picked him up in the storm. He knew his punishment would be worse if he cried, so he held his breathe before he got to his room. In the safety of his room he held a hands over his nose and mouth hoping to muffle the sobs.
When he was ten his parents left for the first time over Christmas. Steve allowed himself to cry openly sobbing into his pillow. No-one around to comfort him. No-one around to tell him to stop.
By the time he was sixteen, Steve Harrington didn't cry. He pinched his nose and held in his emotions like a real man. He let his heart be locked away and got stronger so no-one would hurt him again. Leaving the situation before anyone could see his misty eyes.
Nancy Wheeler almost broke him.
The Upside Down almost broke him.
Still he wouldn't cry.
Steve wouldn't cry until he was twenty years old. Sitting in a hospital waiting room his friends broken and dying down the hall. Only then did he break. Not knowing if Eddie and Max were going to be ok. This time he wasn't told to stop, but he did have his family to comfort him.
Steve was twenty years old and he was crying. Steve was crying because his kid was awake and smiling, telling him how badass she was. Steve was crying because a broken boy had come back to him a little less broken. Steve was crying happy tears and he was never going to stop.
Part Two of my Stranger Things Steddie AU, Steve always fall first, falls fastest. You can read part one Here!
Eddie watches as Steve peels out of the driveway, staring straight ahead with a blank vacant expression on his face. He looks at Jeff, who shrugs and takes one last hit from their joint before flicking it onto the concrete and stubbing it out.
Eddie frowns, Steve usually waits until Eddie is ready to leave before they both drive home, saying one last goodnight on the driveway.
The evenings grow longer and longer with each passing day as they crawl their way into summer, but it's dark now. The warmth of the day gives way to a cool breeze that ruffles Eddie's hair, and rustles the grass. He shivers lightly and rolls his shoulders before turning on his heel towards the garage. Light streams out from the door, illuminating Eddie's puzzled face as he walks back inside.
Gareth looks up at him, catching his eyes once before they drop to the bottle in his hands. His fingers play with the paper label, peeling it up at the corners.
Steve would always show up, like clockwork, every Sunday with a six pack of some variety, and sit in on their practices. It's nice, not something he ever would have predicted after surviving being nearly eaten alive by a bunch of bats from another dimension.
But if the new scars and nightmares come as a set with a few new friends that had dragged him out of Hell, who was he to complain?
He likes Robin, likes her dry wit and stubborn attitude, she loves fiercely once you've been chosen but doesn't seem shy about calling you an idiot if you deserve it.
He likes Nancy, likes how smart and unexpectedly tough she is, the woman can shoot a gun like no one's business. She's a bit more prickly than Robin, which is saying something, but she cares a lot.
He likes Steve.
He really likes Steve.
Steve, who had picked him up when he was bleeding out and ragdolling in the Upside Down and carried him through the last open gate.
Steve, who sings along to Tears for Fears and Wham! in his car only to turn around and pull out a Queen cassette from the glove department.
Steve, who bitches and moans about driving the kids around to the arcade or to the Munson trailer for D&D nights, but never says no.
Steve, who stays up with Eddie during movie nights and listens to his wild ramblings without interrupting. He smiles and asks questions that prompt even longer responses, and seems content to simply listen.
Steve, who is definitely straight as an arrow, and would probably panic if he found out about Eddie and his little secret.
"Hey uh," Eddie asks after a beat, reaching for the last unopened beer in the cardboard, "did Steve have to go?"
He twists the cap and flicks it towards the bin, it bounces off the lip and clinks against the floor.
"Woah, I didn't know we knew Larry Bird?" Jeff snorts as he wanders through the door and exaggeratedly ducks with his hands over his head before dropping next to Gareth on the couch. Eddie rolls his eyes as Jeff relaxes against the sagging cushions and drapes his arms along the back.
Gareth's eyes flick once to Jeff before coming back to rest on Eddie's face, "I uh, dunno man, I think Steve just had to go home. He didn't really get into it".
Eddie frowns at the tense line of the bassist's shoulders.
"Who cares man,” Jeff scoffs with a smirk, “now we can actually talk about our set list without having to stop and explain every little thing”.
Gareth winces and closes his eyes with a shake of his head.
"Oh, fuck off," Eddie snarls as he steps towards Jeff who freezes at the sudden proximity, "I didn't say anything when you insisted on bringing Mary O'Donnell around to every other practice two years ago--"
"What the fuck does that have to do with anything?" Jeff growls as he stands up, rising up to Eddie's eye level, "I liked Mary, you told me to go for it?"
"Exactly!" Eddie yells. He breathes in sharply as the words finally register.
Oh shit.
"Oh shit..." Gareth whispers.
Jeff's mouth opens and closes, his expression jumps from incredulity before dropping into shock.
Eddie had done a lot of growing in the last few weeks if he did say so himself, and he did - loudly and to whoever would listen. He could be brave, he had proved that with Dustin and the bats, he had proved that by diving into Lovers Lake to chase after Steve.
Bravery was no longer a first for him, he could stand his ground and hold firm in the face of adversity.
But the Upside Down had nothing on admitting that he had a crush on the former ‘King-Steve’ to his two best friends.
Eddie whirls around and walks out of the garage.
He makes it about twenty feet before rapid footsteps echo behind him, not that he had been moving all that quickly.
The world feels as though he's wading through quicksand, each step dragging him down, he sighs and stops walking.
Gareth catches up, mild surprise etched on his face.
Eddie's eyes trail from Gareth back towards the garage, Jeff stands in silhouette just outside the door.
"Come on man," Gareth says softly, "just come back inside, we didn't know--"
"What am I even doing," Eddie mutters, he scrubs a rough hand against his face, "I know how it sounds dude, you don't have to chase after me, I know I'm being an idiot".
Gareth freezes for a moment and crosses his arms. His eyes scan Eddie's face as though he can read every wild thought traipsing through his mind, it's not a comfortable feeling.
In the distance Jeff cups his hands around his mouth and yells, "Gareth! Did you tell him, we didn't know?"
Gareth rolls his eyes and throws a hand behind him to swat the air, as though he wishes Jeff's head were there instead.
"For what it's worth," Gareth says with a sigh, "I don't think you're being an idiot…" the words come out in stops and starts, as though each one is weighed carefully before being released.
Gareth was always careful when he spoke, more level headed than Eddie and Jeff, that's why they worked well together. Whenever Eddie or Jeff said something that went too far, Gareth was ready to pull them both back down to earth.
"Steve actually seems like a decent guy I guess, kinda surprised about it but whatever," Gareth shakes his head once before breathing out through his nose, "and you're absolutely sure about this?"
Eddie doesn't even think before he nods, "Yeah man, I'm crazy about him".
Gareth hums, his eyes haven't left Eddie's face once the entire time they've been standing on the sidewalk in the dark, they are in between street lights but that doesn’t seem to stop Gareth from reading Eddie like a book.
"Okay, I'm going to tell you something, but if this goes absolutely sideways, I cannot be held responsible in any way," Gareth says once again in that slow, measured pace.
"Jesus, I've never known you to be this cryptic man, I kind of love it," Eddie huffs nervously, his hands dropping to his jeans to wipe the sweat from his palms. A light breeze catches him once again, caressing his hair as it billows down the lane, he shivers.
"Steve likes you, we all know -well maybe not Bozo over there," Gareth gestures back towards the garage where Jeff continues to linger, "but you're not an idiot".
Eddie blinks.
Steve likes him.
Steve likes him?
"What uh…what are you talking about?" Eddie manages, the words stick to his tongue, his mouth suddenly drier than the sahara.
Gareth breathes out heavily and shifts, his hands come back up to cross over his chest.
"Dude, please don't make me explain it, you seriously didn't know?"
"No?!" Eddie hisses, his hands climb to his hair, gripping the wild curls and pulling harshly. Steve liked him? How long had this been going on for? How long had he been completely oblivious?
"I mean, I kinda thought you were waiting him out, trying to let him down easy, you're not the kind of person to string someone along so I hoped it wasn't because you liked the attention," Gareth mumbles with a shrug.
Eddie's heart beats a wild staccato as the information continues to sink in, Steve likes him…
"Oh my God," Eddie whispers, "oh my God I-I have to go," he steps away, his shoes crunching against gravel as he turns on the spot, "I have to talk to him!"
Gareth nods, a small bewildered smile blooms on his face as he shakes his head, "I mean, yeah man, go get him?"
Eddie takes off past Gareth towards his van, still parked on the driveway, he flips off Jeff as the other man hoots and blows a kiss after him.
But it doesn't matter. A giddy euphoria bubbles up from his chest and throws itself from his lips as a wild cackle. He tosses open the door to the van and scrambles inside, Gareth's words echo over and over in his mind, Steve likes him, he has a chance!
The normally twenty-minute drive from Gareth's parents place seems to take forever, he hits all eight lights on the normally sleepy mainstreet and with every stop Eddie feels like he's vibrating out of his pants.
He finally reaches the Harrington House, pulls haphazardly onto the drive and flings himself out of the van, just barely turning off the engine and pulling the Emergency brake on.
Eddie races toward the front steps and raps his knuckles against the door with three successive knocks. The house is dark, no lights, not even the flashes of the sitting room television can be seen from the front window.
For a moment there is nothing, no sound from the other side of the door. Eddie swallows and knocks again.
Then, the porch light flicks on with a metallic click.
The door opens just enough for Eddie to make out the shape of Steve, the hall light remains off, leaving Steve in shadow.
"Eddie?" Steve says, his voice rough, "What are you doing here?"
"Hey, uh, hey Stevie,” Eddie manages, a wry smile threatening to take over his face the longer he stands in the doorway, “can I come in?"
Steve hesitates, his hands remain fixed on the door but a slight tremble runs up his arm to his shoulder.
Eddie falters for a moment, a hint of anxiety slithers through his chest. Was Gareth wrong?
Steve sighs suddenly and pulls open the door, sliding sideways to let him pass.
The giddy feeling in Eddie's chest slowly dissipates as he steps over the threshold into the dark foyer. He reaches over to the light switch on the wall and turns it on as Steve curses and turns away abruptly.
"Stevie?" Eddie says, his voice pitched with alarm, "hey what's going on?"
"Don't, please don't call me that Eds," Steve whispers, his shoulders shake but he remains facing the opposite wall.
Eddie's stomach drops at the wet sound to his voice, the slight hitch, the shake of his shoulders.
"Oh shit Stevie, come here," Eddie says as he reaches for Steve’s shoulder, he grasps it lightly and gently begins to turn the other man towards him. Steve doesn’t move at first, holding firm, staring straight ahead and away from Eddie.
He only has to smooth his ringed hand along Steve’s shoulder and up his neck and suddenly his arms are full as Steve crashes into him.
“Oh sweetheart, its okay,” Eddie whispers. He brings his arms up around Steve, one hand curls into his hair while the other comes up around the small of his back.
Steve’s face is tucked into his shoulder, his hands grip the fabric of Eddie’s shirt and vest harshly. He shudders and breathes, as though trying to stop the tears as they continue to fall, wetting Eddie's shoulder.
“Sorry,” Steve mumbles, the words catch in Eddie's hair but he shakes his head at the sound.
Eddie frowns, “What on earth are you sorry for?”
Steve is quiet for a moment, Eddie takes it as an opportunity to kick the door closed behind them before planting his feet to stabilize the weight of Steve in his arms.
When he looks back, Steve is facing him. His large hazel eyes are red rimmed and shining with tears, his nose and cheeks are flushed and his hair is a wild mess, but he looks beautiful to Eddie.
“I don’t,” Steve whispers eventually, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable".
It clicks.
Why Gareth was being so careful, so cryptic earlier, why Steve must have left early.
"Did Gareth say something to you?" Eddie murmurs, the words are soft but there's a hint of anger there.
Steve stiffens and shakes his head, a little too quickly. He bites his lip and makes to pull away but Eddie holds him tight.
"Stevie, come on, I can't help if I don't know what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours," Eddie says, his heart beats wildly in his chest as Steve slowly raises his head to catch Eddie's eyes once more.
Steve's eyebrows are furrowed slightly, but the slightest hint of hope lingers in those hazel eyes.
Eddie swallows down his inner voice that screams, run, over and over and over - because isn't that the first tenant of bravery?
Doing something, even though you're scared shit less?
"I'm going to try something here sweetheart," Eddie says slowly, carefully, all the years hanging out with Gareth have paid off in the strangest way.
He slowly leans in and presses his lips, dry and chapped, to Steve's.
It's soft, nothing more than skin to skin, Steve is frozen as though his body doesn't know how to process what's happening and God Dammit that's not what Eddie is hoping for.
But then, Steve's eyes flutter closed and his body melts and his arms slide from the front of Eddie's shirt into his hair and around his neck and he's kissing him.
He's kissing him!
It's a little wet, Steve tastes like tears and his nose is running slightly but it's still perfect.
Eddie smiles and reaches us to cup Steve's cheek with one hand, his thumb caresses along his cheekbone across the constellation of freckles and moles on Steve's face.
Beautiful.
Eddie swipes the barest hint of tongue along the seam of Steve's lips before catching himself, slow and steady.
Eddie pulls back but leaves his hand on Steve's face and smiles widely at the dazed expression on his face.
"You with me sweetheart?" Eddie whispers, grazing his thumb once more across Steve's cheek as he says it.
A deep blush blooms across Steve's face, spanning from the tips of his ears, across his cheeks, and down to his neck. Eddie files that reaction away for later.
"Yeah Eds, I'm with you," Steve says softly with his own small smile.
There's a lot to talk about still, but it's certainly a start as Eddie leads Steve down the familiar hallway and into the sitting room.
And Eddie can't wait.
For everyone that asked to be tagged once part two was up, here you go! (I hope these tags worked, I haven't used Tumblr in FOREVER)
And to @monstrousfemale who wrote such a beautiful second part to my initial post (please go check it out because it is lovely) I hope this holds a candle to yours! Thank you again for going over linking posts!!
“I mean… Yeah, of course. It’s objectively terrifying.”
“So then why do you throw yourself into danger?”
“What?”
“Why, do, you. Always sacrifice yourself? If you’re scared.”
“Well, if I don't, who's going to?”
“No one.”
“Exactly, Steve.”
“But. They need someone to protect them.”
“Who protects you?”
“I-”
“Who protects you, Steve?”
“I do.”
“And who takes care of you, when you’re hurt?”
“... I do.”
“So you see, Steven. I don’t have to make up scenarios where no one appreciates you, where no one loves you, where it’s all just. Bullshit… Because. That’s your reality. You’re already living through hell. So what’s so bad about joining me? Time’s up, Steven. Your suffering is only just beginning.”
There was nothing but inky blackness for what seemed like miles, and he couldn’t control his breath. He felt the warmth of blood drip from his nose, and he tried to hold back sounds of distress. Fast puffs of air escaped through his lips, he couldn’t move. He couldn’t breath, he couldn’t breath, he couldn-
Warm light flooded the room, inky blackness vanishing as the light invaded the space. “What’s up, Steve-o! He- What’s wrong? Steve?”
He was gasping for air at this point, and he couldn’t get the air to flow into his lungs. The bright light that filled the space relaxed him a little but the adrenaline from the nightmare was still coursing through his veins. He could see the corner of his vision darkening, and he knew if he couldn't get a good breath soon, the inky blackness would return.
“Hey, Steve- Just, breathe with me, okay?” They grabbed ahold of his arms, grounding him. His chest was still heaving, breaths still ragged, but oxygen was flowing into his lungs, and his vision cleared. Eddie was standing in front of him, still holding on to his arms, just a little too tightly, and he could feel the sweat dripping from his forehead. It was drenching him, and he was so hot. He kicked the covers off, still partially in a haze as Eddie fanned him, bringing a glass of water from the night stand up to his lips. “I-” He licked his lips and took a deep breath, “It’s okay, Stevie. Just take your time, breathe.” Eddie soothed. Steve nodded, and they sat for a minute, Eddie brushing a gentle hand through his hair, rocking them both gently.
“I had.” He swallowed hard, “ I had a nightmare that uhm. That Ve- that he got me, and was saying that no- that no one loves me, and.” His voice cracked, “And that I’m just, it’s all just. Bullshit.” The last word came out harsh, tears finally breaking through the dam in his eyes. Eddie pulled him into his chest, rubbing his back as he sobbed. “It’s okay, Stevie. It’s over. He’s dead, we’re okay. We’re all okay, and we all love you, okay. I love you, Steve.” He placed a kiss on his forehead, still rocking them gently.
“I love you, too.” Steve stuttered out, “Sorry. I’m sorry.” He sniffled, shaking his head and wiping the tears off his cheeks roughly. Eddie grabbed his chin and lifted his head, “Hey. None of that. We all get nightmares, okay? You’re always there for me, let me be here for you. Okay? No sorries.” Eddie assured.
And if that wasn’t love, Steve didn’t know what was. Vecna couldn’t cook up anything that’d make it dissolve. After this point, Eddie took special care in making sure Steve felt safe and loved in their shabby little apartment. He even said “I love you” every single time he saw Steve. Steve didn’t know if he’d ever get tired of hearing it.
Summary: Steve and Eddie are both triggered by fireworks on the fourth of july, and have to comfort each other.
Warnings: PTSD, panic attacks
When Eddie was a child, he’d found a black baby rabbit caught in a mousetrap. He’d taken it home and nursed it to health. It had lived a few more months, but it had always been a skittish thing, and had liked to burrow in Eddie’s blankets. Sometimes Eddie would hold it inside his jacket, and feel the rapid thumping of its heart, so fast he was worried it might have a heart attack and die. Eventually that’s what happened. The bunny’s tiny heart had gone too fast and stopped.
That was how Eddie felt now, lying on the bathroom floor, the shower running in an attempt to drown out the sounds of the fireworks. He was curled up in a pile of blankets, listening to the fireworks whistle and bang outside. He was drenched in sweat, unsure if it was because of the stifling heat of the blankets or the terror that shot through him with every explosion.
The survivors of the Battle of Starcourt were all going to the ruins, as was their tradition. Last year Max had still been in the hospital, but the other kids had gone and they’d all gotten drunk for the first time, and cried, and played music. Now they were bringing Max with them. They’d invited Eddie, but he thought it was better for it to just be the original survivors.
Wayne was at the Mayfield place, helping Missus Mayfield through another anniversary of Billy’s death. Eddie had insisted that he go, promising that he’d be fine, and that he’d probably hang out with Gareth. Then the fireworks had started, and Eddie had realized that he couldn’t go anywhere.
The lab had assigned Eddie a therapist, who’d been helping him through panic attacks. She’d helped him design his “safe space”; a little room in his mind where he could retreat from the panic. It was similar to where Max had gone to escape from Vecna, but this wasn’t rooted in memory. This was pure fantasy. Eddie had always been better with fantasy. The therapist had been a little bit confused when he’d told her his safe space was the Shire, but she’d rolled with it.
Another firework went off, shaking his windows.
In a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit.
Eddie inhaled, then exhaled. He wished he still smoked.
Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort.
His phone rang, jolting him out of his meditation.
“Jesus!” He reached for the phone by his bed with shaking hands. “Hello?”
“Have you heard from Steve?”
“What? Is that Dustin?”
“Have. You. Heard. From. Steve.”
“No. Why?”
“He was supposed to be here. We’re with Max at the ruins. Steve was supposed to join us.”
“Have you tried calling him?”
Dustin didn’t dignify that with an answer, and Eddie could feel his disdainful look through the phone.
“Fine,” Eddie said. “I’ll swing by his place.”
“ Thank you.”
“Tell Max I’m taking her to the skate park tomorrow.”
Dustin had designed a set of trick wheels for Max’s chair, and she was learning how to do some skating moves with it.
“I will. Thanks. Call me at this number when you find him, okay?”
He gave Eddie the number, and Eddie scrawled it on the inside of his arm.
Now that Eddie had a mission, he felt slightly less insane. This was always the case. When he’d first moved in with Wayne at age ten, he’d been almost catatonically depressed. But when his uncle had asked him for help with something, he’d suddenly find himself doing it. Out of bed, at the store, making dinner. When he’d started high school he’d pretended that Hellfire was his way of welcoming the losers and outcasts, rather than trying to find friends himself. Helping himself had always seemed a bit pointless. Helping others was more worthwhile.
He pulled himself out of bed, taking his blankets with him. He’d go, but he wasn’t pretending to be okay. He was no hero. He still needed his blankie, and he wasn’t ashamed of that.
Steve lived nearby now, in the apartment building that had been built where the motel had once been. Steve and Wayne lived in the old Hopper trailer near the lake. In order to get to Steve’s house, though, Eddie would need to go past the fairground where the firework display was being set. There was no way in hell Eddie could do that drive without getting in an accident. He had to go the long way, around the cemetery and the high school. It took him twice as long, but the drive calmed him slightly. Clutch. Downshift. Break.
Then the sky turned red with the glow of fireworks, and Eddie instinctively hit the gas, nearly going off the road.
“Shit!”
He braked fast and rested his head against the steering wheel.
In a hole in the ground, there lived a Hobbit.
He inched forward the rest of the way to Steve’s apartment. By the time he parked, his hands were cramped from gripping the steering wheel and his jaw was aching from clenching his teeth.
Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort.
He ran up to Steve’s apartment, his blankets dragging behind him like a cape. He could see that all the lights were on. He knocked on the door.
“Steve! Are you there?”
There was no answer, so he knocked louder.
“Steve, it’s Eddie! Open up!”
There was another crack of fireworks, and the sky glowed for a moment. Eddie shouldn’t have come. He should have called Joyce or Murray or anyone remotely capable of basic functioning.
It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle.
He pounded on the door with his fist.
“For fucks sake, just let me in before I shit myself!”
The door swung open and Eddie toppled in after it, landing solidly into Steve Harrington's chest.
“ Oonf !”
Steve’s warm hands gripped Eddie’s shoulders.
“What are you doing here?”
Steve’s voice was a hoarse croak. Eddie stepped back and looked at him. His face was red, and his eyes were swollen. His hair was plastered to his sweaty face.
“Oh my god, Steve, are you okay?”
Steve blinked at Eddie blearily. He shook his head, and Eddie was surprised to see his eyes filled with tears.
“Talk to me, big boy," Eddie said. "Are you sick?”
“No. I don’t… I don’t think so. Why are you here?”
“Dustin called. He’s worried about you.”
Another blast went off, and Steve jolted like he’d been shot.
“Let me call Dustin and tell him you’re not coming.”
“I’ll be there! I’m just— just running late.” Steve looked around frantically, like he was trying to find his bag. Eddie put a hand on Steve’s shoulder.
“Steve. We’re not going anywhere. Okay? We’re going to stay right here.”
Steve’s mouth crumpled, and he reached up to cover it with his hand.
“I’m sorry, I–”
“Alright, that’s it. Here we go.” Eddie gripped Steve by the shoulder and pulled him through the tiny apartment to the bathroom. Steve followed dazedly. “Have you eaten? Did you drink anything? Take anything?”
Steve shook his head, then nodded, then shook his head again.
“Had an ibuprofen for a headache. Had a beer. That’s all.”
“When did you last sleep?”
Steve thought about this.
“I don’t do that anymore.”
“Okay.” Eddie turned the shower on at full blast. Steve blinked up at him. “You don’t have to shower,” Eddie said, “But the noise will help. I’m going to call Dustin.”
Steve was still sitting on the bathroom floor when Eddie came back, holding a glass of water. Dustin had been understanding on the phone. They’d all had their bad spells.
Steve was curled up in a little ball, his arms wrapped tight around his legs. Eddie slid down beside him. They sat in silence and listened to the sound of the shower go. Finally Eddie took a deep breath.
“You wanna talk about it?” Eddie asked.
Steve sniffed and rubbed his nose on his arm.
“When Nancy dumped me, I said, ‘ I may be a pretty shitty boyfriend, but it turns out I’m a damn good babysitter.’ And for the past three years, that’s been sort of my mantra. At least I’m a good babysitter. That’s the one thing I’ve been able to do that’s worthwhile.”
Eddie wanted to argue this point, but he held his tongue.
“Turns out… I’m not good at this either,” Steve said.
“Not good at what?”
“I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to take care of the kids. I should be there, helping. But instead…”
He flapped his hands helplessly at the floor, tears pouring down his cheeks.
“Oh, Stevie.” Eddie wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders and pulled him in. Steve slumped sideways, bonelessly. “Nobody can fix this. Nobody can.”
Steve collapsed in, folding himself against Eddie’s chest as he cried.
If someone had told Eddie two years ago that he’d be here with his arms around Steve Harrington, he’d have asked them what they were smoking. He’d wanted to touch Steve for so long. He felt drawn into Steve’s orbit like an asteroid. He had to admit that his fantasies had involved more passion and less panic attacks.
Steve cried noisily, his shoulders heaving with sobs. Eddie did the only thing he could think of. He started reciting The Hobbit.
“In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort.”
Eddie recited as much as he could from memory, his hand on the warm planes of Steve’s shoulders. Slowly, Steve’s crying began to relax into gentle snuffling. Occasionally the sound of a firework outside would make them both jump, and Eddie’s voice would falter.
“The best rooms were all on the left hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep set round windows looking over his garden and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river.”
Steve took a deep breath, as if testing to see if his crying was truly finished. Eddie released his grip on Steve's back, allowing him to sit up. Steve yawned. His eyes were puffy from tears and sleeplessness.
“Better?” Eddie asked. Steve nodded, then shook his head.
“I should be with them.”
“No. No, you should be here.”
“The kids need me tonight.”
“Not as much as I do.” The words were out before Eddie could stop them. Shit. He could feel himself turning red. Steve stared at him through narrowed eyes.
“You know what I was doing before Dustin called?” Eddie asked. “I was on my bathroom floor, reading The Hobbit out loud to myself and trying not to absolutely lose it.”
Steve managed half a smile.
“Really?”
“Yeah. I imagine that fireworks would affect you more strongly, considering you were at the mall that night.”
Steve exhaled.
“I don’t see how the kids are so okay, and I’m such a mess.”
“Probably because they let other people help them. Unlike someone I know.”
Steve yawned again. Eddie smiled.
“It’s hard feeling useless,” Steve said.
“I know. But you’ll never be…” Eddie paused to think, choosing his words carefully. “Steve. You are invaluable .”
Steve wrinkled his nose.
“Un-valuable?”
“Invaluable. It means always valuable.”
“That’s a stupid word.”
Eddie laughed.
“It is, isn’t it.” He fidgeted with his rings. “You are useful a lot of the time. But what I’m saying is that you don’t need a use to have a value.”
“Aren’t they the same thing?”
“A vacuum cleaner has value because it's useful. A song has value because it’s a song. And I’d rather live in a world without vacuum cleaners than a world without music.”
Steve thought about this, pursing his lips. Then he yawned.
“You tired?” Eddie asked.
Steve nodded, his chin sinking onto his chest as he did.
“Can’t sleep though.”
“I know. I try to sleep, and then…” Eddie gestured vaguely to his head.
“Yeah. It’s bad.”
Eddie stretched.
“My back hurts. You think we can move to the sofa without pissing ourselves in terror?”
Steve checked his watch.
“It’s nine thirty. Worst is probably over. I’ll put on music or something.”
They exited the bathroom like survivors leaving a fallout shelter, hunched and sweaty, trailing blankets. Steve turned on his tape player, and the soft sound of Avalon started playing. Eddie rolled his eyes.
“Avalon? Really?”
“Don’t fuck with me right now,” Steve said with a wobbly smile. “You want me to start crying again? Shut up.”
They collapsed onto the sofa, Eddie sitting with his legs curled under him, Steve sprawled out across the whole thing, his head thrown back. It was disgustingly hot inside, and smelled like rotting food, but a cool breeze was filtering in through the open door.
Eddie was so aware of Steve, sitting close enough for their shoulders and thighs to be touching. Steve blinked sleepily up at the ceiling.
“What were you reading earlier?” Steve asked.
“What? Oh. The Hobbit. My mom used to read it to me whenever I was sick.”
“Do you have the whole thing memorized?”
“No, just the first part. You know that therapist I’ve been seeing? Doctor Davis?”
“Yeah. I’ve been seeing her too.”
This was news to Eddie. Steve’s words were slightly slurred from fatigue, and Eddie wondered if Steve would have divulged this if he wasn’t so tired.
“She had me create a safe space. Mine is Bilbo Baggins’s house at Bag End. From the book.”
Steve’s eyes drifted shut and he slumped over sideways, his face against Eddie’s neck.
“She had me do the same,” he murmured.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. Make a safe space. Took me a long time, but I think—“ Steve yawned and curled into Eddie’s side. “Think I’ve got one.”
“What is it?”
Steve was already asleep, but he managed to mumble out the words.
After all this it's surprising that Eddie is the one to see him like this.
Well, maybe not as surprising as it should be.
He thought it would be Robin though that would finally see him crack, to break down in tears and heartwrenching sobs. To see all the walls fall away until there's just him, just Steve.
Maybe that's why it's Eddie though, that the walls finally shatter for.
It would never be the kids, he's tried too hard and for too long to make sure that they never see him weak, always hiding it all behind a sniffle or going to the next room for a moment.
Not Nancy either, when they were together he was King Steve, all his secrets kept locked away in an empty house.
Jonathan, Joyce and Hopper while important to him are also relying on him to take care of the kids when they can't, they need him to be strong.
So yes, Eddie makes sense. Eddie he has never had any expectation of Steve to save him or look after him, first only seeing King Steve but then seeing the Steve that Dustin would rave about. Eddie, who he kept company and their matching wounds turned into matching scars. Eddie, who Steve saw show every emotion he felt, fear, joy, anger, love.
It didn't even take much in the end. They were just sharing a cigarette on Steve's back porch watching the stars. Their scars now the only reminder of what they'd been through. The kids were safe, everyone was finally safe.
Eddie hadn't even said anything.
He'd just looked at Steve. Smiled that soft almost smile and Steve knew, he was ok.
“I’m supposed to be the strong one. I’m supposed to take care of the kids. I should be there, helping. But instead…”
He flapped his hands helplessly at the floor.
“Oh, Stevie.” Eddie wrapped his arms around Steve’s shoulders and pulled him in. “Nobody can fix this. Nobody can.”
“I should be there.”
“No. No, you should be here. With me.”
Steve collapsed in, folding himself against Eddie’s chest as he cried. If someone had told Eddie two years ago that he’d be here with his arms around Steve Harrington, he’d have asked them what they were smoking. He’d wanted to touch Steve for so long. He felt drawn into his orbit like an asteroid. He had to admit, though, that his fantasies had involved more passion and less panic attacks.
Eddie did the only thing he could think of.
“In a hole in the ground, there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a Hobbit hole, and that means comfort.”
Steve’s crying began to slow into gentle snuffling. Occasionally the sound of a firework outside would make them both jump, and Eddie’s voice would falter.
“The best rooms were all on the left hand side (going in), for these were the only ones to have windows, deep set round windows looking over his garden and meadows beyond, sloping down to the river.”
