Dearest Jan,
Shall I start by sharing a childhood memory? My father has always appreciated me to be a good, well-mannered, and kind-hearted child. He has never hit me, rarely ever yelled at me or grounded me. But since I was a little child, there’s one thing about me that always got him very cross. The number of times I said sorry and thank you. To him, about 90% of those times were absolutely unnecessary.
Now, I don’t quite know if he thought that it would make me come across as a person who’s a pushover, a doormat and someone who’s way too agreeable or if he didn’t want my words to lose their meaning and weight due to their frequency. As an adult now, I see both those possible reasons as completely valid. And while I still say thank you and sorry a lot more than the next person, I am more mindful of its use too.
I think actions > words, for my self and for others, is what I’ve come to emphasize on while I growing up. And I think that’s a big part of loving someone and being loved to. Not just saying ‘I love you’ but showing up – when it’s hard, when it’s inconvenient, when it’s at a personal loss, when it’s no fun at all.
May is coming soon and I can imagine that since 2019 May, life may have seemed very different than before. I can’t even imagine and I don’t want to offer empty words. Your close friend committing suicide…that is a very hard thing to come to terms with. I hope you can find something to hold on to, to feel grounded to, and can find some closure and comfort.
About trusting someone with all your fragility…I have a quote from a book that means a lot to me and everything about it seems like something I want to tell you as well:
“I’ve spent my life believing whatever people tell me and I always end up disappointed,” she often heard others say. “Does that ever happen to you?”
Of course if happened, but now, at twenty-three, she was better at watching out for herself. The only other option – besides trusting in others – was to transform herself into someone who was always on the defensive, incapable of loving, making decisions, always transferring the blame for everything that went wrong onto others. What was the point in living like that?
Those who trust in themselves trust others. Because they know that, when they are betrayed – and everyone is betrayed, that’s part of life – it’s possible to start all over again. Part of the fun in life is exactly this: running risks.
- Hippie by Paulo Coelho
I think you’re strong and smart enough to trust yourself and hence, trust others too. It’s okay that you haven’t said I love you to any romantic partner as yet. I actually think that’s pretty cool. I think most of us rush into things and ruin it ourselves, trying to make something that we know deep down won’t happen, happen. You know one striking thing about Korean dramas that I love? They take romance so slow! They forever take to even hold hands, to say ‘I like you’, to really just open up to the other person. And in this day and age when it’s so easy and when everyone urges you to express yourself, talk about your dreams and fears, and to go for it…I think it’s so important to take your time. I don’t see it as a sign of not being strong enough to be vulnerable or whatever. I just see it as wise and I mean why is it necessary to pour your heart and soul out to every person you meet? That’s a very exhausting, foolish and unnecessary way to live. I’ll be the first one to say that. Because I have lived my life that way for way too long. It’s good to take your time with people and things because if it’s meant to be…there’s no where they are running away to.
I just hope that you have the provision for a door built in the walls around you. So that when someone who is worth it is comes around, you don’t have to break down your walls or have them do that. You can simply open the door and invite them in….and feel loved.
Love and hugs,
Nikki
I wrote this letter for Jan based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here
Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.
I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo
