Dearest Emilia,
I often spend my free time and also the time before I go to bed thinking about 2-3 things that I really want in my life. I draw these elaborate scenarios of how my life is going to be when that happens, how I’m going to make it happen and just all that good stuff. I mean, I’m sure many other people do this. Is this what people call daydreaming? I don’t really know. But I do know this – I am going to make these things happen, even if it’s going to take a really long time.
So, I don’t ever share it with others because it feels so personal and pure and I really don’t know how to or well even if want to explain it to them. But I know for a fact it will happen and I don’t feel stupid or silly for thinking so much about it. I hope you don’t either. Accepting that you aren’t in the place to do something even if you really want to is a very smart and brave thing and I respect you for that.
Another thing I respect you for? You are more of an action than a word person when it comes to love. When asked – who do you think you’ve said I love you to the most – you said, ‘It’s not something I say a lot. I’m more of a show-I-love-you type of person, so I really can’t say.’ And I kid you not I was mentally clapping for you in my head! More, can we please have more of such people! Like, sure, yes, waking up to a ‘I love you’ text from someone you love is sweet but having them be punctual or show up for things that matter to you is way sweeter. I’m so tired of people who hide behind powerful words because they are too weak to action them and they know it.
Hugs! That’s a good way to feel loved, yes. I, however, have always had this very awkward relationship with hugs and only like them sometimes with some people and never really know which is it going to be. But I totally understand the part about not being the one to initiate it. My friend, let’s call her Twix, is preparing for this really important professional exam and we haven’t met in months and it will be a few more before we do. But we started doing this thing where we schedule a ‘call date’ night every week to catch up with each other.
These usually run into 2-3 hours and we both quite enjoy the time we spend talking about just everything. The last time, she said we should make this our tradition and continue it even when her exam is over because it’s not like we’re going to meet every day or often even once she’s done with it. And I felt so loved and happy and the fact that I wasn’t the one to initiate it made it mean more. It’s not because I am petty or childish. It’s just because sometimes it can feel like I push people for things, out of love and enthusiasm that they don’t quite want as much as I do. And then it leaves me feeling like the more loving one and as poetic as Auden made it sound, it really is an absolute shit feeling.
I remember feeling the kind of love you described… “A sense of belonging. It means to like someone or something because of who they are and what they do. It’s warmth and an involuntary smile because you just like that person so much. It’s there in every eye-roll someone makes because their significant other is so stupid but they still adore them.” Way back when I was younger and in school. I felt this kind of love with my then best friends. Walking into class and knowing that they have been waiting for me and their face lighting up the moment they see me. Going on and on about what a stupid thing it is that they are doing but doing it with them anyway.
I don’t know if I can feel that kind of unconditional and absolute love ever again. I just know so much more about people and life than I did back then to ever love that way again. But who knows? Perhaps, I don’t know as much as my 33 year old self will know in the future. All we can do is hope that all the times we use absolutes in a negative sense like ‘I will never feel love again’ or ‘I am never going to be okay’ we are just fooling ourselves. Because we did fool ourselves while using positive absolutes too, right? ‘I will always love you.’ Our words, and those of others, can be such a joke! It’s a good thing you emphasize more on actions. I, too, try.
I hope your 20s, the decade 2020 and also your 20s, are filled with long hugs, words backed by actions, and the best pet dog ever. I also hope you don’t always have to be the more loving one.
Love, Nikki
I wrote this letter for Emilia based on some questions they answered. You can read the questions and their answers here.
Guys - I have received 29 people’s responses for The Love Project - 29 days of love letters. So I won’t be accepting anymore, however, you can read other letters here.
I may do this again later in the year and if you would want to receive a love letter from me then, you can drop in your email ID here xoxo
