Dearest Tavleen,
I think the fact that you don’t like onions is actually an interesting one and that you should stick with it when people ask you to state some random facts about you! I do think it’s interesting because I too have never come across someone who doesn’t like onions and I definitely love them. The fact that I love onions is material because I don’t actually love or even eat most of the conventional vegetables found in an Indian home.
I have never tasted karela (bitter gourd) or baingan (brinjal) in my life – and I don’t plan to. Bhindi (ladyfinger) is also something I have only tasted twice in my life – once at each work place of mine because my co-workers couldn’t believe it and peer pressured me into tasting it. Everyone at work finds it very amusing to hear about my relationship with vegetables. I won’t say it’s unhealthy because I do enjoy vegetables such as cabbage (love!), broccoli, white onions, all colour capsicums, asparagus, basil, kale, etc. Oh but I despise tomato! I just can’t stand it. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that yours is a fun fact you should definitely stick with.
You said ‘I genuinely enjoy knowing what people do’ and I know you do haha because I have sent you countless long voice notes explaining stuff about my office and what I’m working on. I don’t think people are usually interested so in knowing what kind of work others do – like they care about knowing their job title, the company and how much they earn – but actually wanting to know what is it that they really do, yeah I don’t think so. See, because of that and so much more, I have always told you how you strike me as such a smart, mature and prudent 19 year old.
(Guys, go send her an ask telling her about the work you do. She actually cares so you can get into all the details or just tell her some random facts.)
At 19, I couldn’t care less about what people were doing – even though I had no idea what decisions I was going to make career-wise. I would spend all my time watching Kdrama, writing poetry and sleeping. And I didn’t feel one bit guilty so that’s really saying something – I wish I could get back some of that easy-going attitude that the younger me had.
Also, the fact that you started your brilliant book blog – Travelling Through Words – in school (10th grade I think?) just further goes to prove my point. Can you guess what I was doing in 10th? Watching tv shows, indulging with idiots and breaking my own heart. I was such a smarty ;) But you know it’s not even about how productive you always have been – I think that’s a dangerous metric to respect of love someone, including your self – it’s about the things you say and the things you understand. It blows me away and it comforts me at the same time. So, for that I have to say thank you. I have another thing I must thank you for – for getting me to finally start The Love Project this year. If it wasn’t for you it would continue to be an idea in my head. Thank you for always pushing me to do the things that are right for me. I think you have a high opinion of me (or am I just making an ass of myself by assuming that? Haha) and I think sometimes I try to do the right thing to be that person that you think I am. I think I want to be that person too – more of her anyway.
About saying I love you and it coming more easily to you when you were younger…I relate to that and I don’t know if you feel the same way about it as I do right now. But for me I really don’t know what love is or who I love – other than my family and like a few friends, you being one of them. Btw, I love you too, Tavleen <3 I also think I want to show my care and affection to people more through actions and want them to do the same so it just doesn’t feel necessary to me as much. Also, I think love is something I’m more clear about or at least selective in a way. Like I understand now that I can have a good time with a friend and care about them but not necessarily love them. Does that make sense? What I mean is that affection and consideration and fun is all good but it doesn’t have to be love. And that’s okay. I think despite all my confusion for love, I think the one test in my mind is – would I die for the person I love if such a situation ever arose? And if I don’t even have to think for a second before saying yes, then yes, I love them. And as I said, I love you.
About the last time you felt your heart completely shatter…I can understand that. It’s weird but I remember being obsessed with Grey’s Anatomy and I had decided that I want to be a neurosurgeon. So once my 10th boards were done and I had to pick a stream – commerce, arts or science – I told my father that I’d pick science and go to med school post 12th grade and he said, ‘Don’t be stupid. Pick commerce. You are very smart but you won’t work that hard and you know it’.
As much as it hurt at that point, he was right. After taking commerce I realized that it’s the perfect stream for all those who are smart but don’t want to work hard. And hence, I think it wouldn’t have been the right stream for you anyway. You’re a hardworking kid who is very smart. It may have not gone as you planned or wanted but somehow life has a way of bringing us to exactly where we fit/belong. Be it place, people or career. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that or keep faith but I still do because like can you imagine me being a med student studying multiple hours every day for 5-8 years? Lol, I can’t so I have faith in the fact that the universe is looking out for us.
As for the last time or the times you felt loved, I feel happy that I could play a part in that. And that you have other people to do that too. I think there’s a trick with the little things and them mattering. It strikes me as a business concept. So two very basic ways that a business can make money is by – first, having a great profit margin. That means their cost to create something is a lot less than what they are selling for. Or second, even if they have low profit margins to have great sales and sell such huge quantities that it makes them money. I think with the little things to really matter we need to have many of them. I may be wrong but it just strikes me as that. And of course a lot of that does depend on the people in our life but I think a more powerful chunk lies in our hands. I think it’s building systems that bring us joy. Whether that’s being mindful and reducing screen time, reading more or building coping mechanisms, I think we just have to be intentional about our well-being and joy.
Of course I have a lot more to say to you – surprise, surprise – but this won’t be my last letter to you. The first quarter of 2020 will be over soon but we have 3 more. And we have each other. And I think we will be okay.
Love Always, Nikki
PS Expect something to reach you soon ;)
I wrote this letter for Tavleen based on some questions she answered (and I also know her personally. She is a dear, dear friend). You can check the questions and her answers here.
You can check the other love letters I have written over here.
