November 28th, 2018. Letter #13
Has been a while that I don't write to you, right? I know. I guess I was dealing well with my toughts and worries for a while. I've been breathing and going on, even it's not that easy.
But, since last week, has been difficult to keep myself together. My toughts are eating me alive, you know? All my insecurities, all my fears, coming like waves, on and on, no matter how hard I try to put them away.
I wish I could be a little less tough, babe. Maybe a lot less? hahaha
I wish I could release my feelings a little more, maybe don't be afraid to speak my mind. Speak freely about my feelings without much thoughts, spread my opinion around and don't regret about it. It's so hard to do it. I don't know it's just for me or for everybody in the world. Actually, I'm not afraid to do those things, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Who and what I'm gonna lose or gonna hurt saying those things.
Is it wrong to swallow my feelings and avoid the consequences? Am I being too coward?
This week, more than any other week, I thought about death. I thought about never exist too, but I can't do it anymore, right? hahahaha Then, I thought how people would go on without me.
Honestly, I know there are people who are gonna miss me. People that are gonna cry and mourn about me. Mom, dad, sis, some friends and some people that always thought that I'd have a sparkling future. But, even knowing that, my mind always lead me to this: “They're gonna forget. They're gonna move on. Sadness isn't forever.”
At the beginning, it could be hard - especially to the ones who are close to me -, but little by little, piece by piece, I'll become a memory.
Pain will disappear and only the memories will remain, maybe about my smile or any habit of mine. Mom will probably fell lonely for a while and Dad will think he could've done more. Sis and my friends will probably miss some of my stupid comments and my cocky behavior. Other people will think "Oh, is she dead? Gosh, she was so great! I always saw her around, being so loud and smiling. She was such a nice girl." But, eventually, I will disappear. My face will vanish, my voice will be forgotten and everyone once used to deal with me daily, will adapt their lives. I'll become a memory. A good or a bad one? I don't know.
If I have an heart attack and suddenly die, how much time will take to everyone to transform me in something from their past?
How much time will take to people come back to their normal routines and just don't expect me to be there? How much time will take for the people who care about me, to give up their sorrow and be fine again? An year? Maybe months? Will everyone pretend they're okay, just like I do?
Have you ever thought about kill yourself, babe? Probably you did. I always regret to think about it. Life was given to me, I didn't choose that. I shouldn't choose my death time too. Beside that, I couldn't stand any of my beloved ones suffering for me, for something I did thinking only about me. Yeah, I'm thinking about the other even in those moments, hahahaha. I shouldn't be laughing? Sorry.
Babe, I'm sorry to write you those sad things again. Sorry for not being strong enough to deal with myself. I'm sorry having all this inside and doesn't know how to put it out. AND sorry for not being able to search for help when I obviously need it. I wish I could be a little less sttuborn and that my insurance would cover my madness too, hahahahahaha.
Even through all those crazy things, I love you.
And in the end, I hope that you - and everyone else that I care about - love me back.
Sincerely and Forever Yours,
