Blueberries

Letters I've wrote knowing that you'll never read.

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

November 28th, 2018. Letter #13

Hey babe.

Has been a while that I don't write to you, right? I know. I guess I was dealing well with my toughts and worries for a while. I've been breathing and going on, even it's not that easy. 

But, since last week, has been difficult to keep myself together. My toughts are eating me alive, you know? All my insecurities, all my fears, coming like waves, on and on, no matter how hard I try to put them away.

I wish I could be a little less tough, babe. Maybe a lot less? hahaha I wish I could release my feelings a little more, maybe don't be afraid to speak my mind. Speak freely about my feelings without much thoughts, spread my opinion around and don't regret about it. It's so hard to do it. I don't know it's just for me or for everybody in the world. Actually, I'm not afraid to do those things, but I'm afraid of the consequences. Who and what I'm gonna lose or gonna hurt saying those things.

Is it wrong to swallow my feelings and avoid the consequences? Am I being too coward?

This week, more than any other week, I thought about death. I thought about never exist too, but I can't do it anymore, right? hahahaha Then, I thought how people would go on without me.

Honestly, I know there are people who are gonna miss me. People that are gonna cry and mourn about me. Mom, dad, sis, some friends and some people that always thought that I'd have a sparkling future. But, even knowing that, my mind always lead me to this: “They're gonna forget. They're gonna move on. Sadness isn't forever.”

At the beginning, it could be hard - especially to the ones who are close to me -, but little by little, piece by piece, I'll become a memory. 

Pain will disappear and only the memories will remain, maybe about my smile or any habit of mine. Mom will probably fell lonely for a while and Dad will think he could've done more. Sis and my friends will probably miss some of my stupid comments and my cocky behavior. Other people will think "Oh, is she dead? Gosh, she was so great! I always saw her around, being so loud and smiling. She was such a nice girl." But, eventually, I will disappear. My face will vanish, my voice will be forgotten and everyone once used to deal with me daily, will adapt their lives. I'll become a memory. A good or a bad one? I don't know.

If I have an heart attack and suddenly die, how much time will take to everyone to transform me in something from their past? 

How much time will take to people come back to their normal routines and just don't expect me to be there? How much time will take for the people who care about me, to give up their sorrow and be fine again? An year? Maybe months? Will everyone pretend they're okay, just like I do?

Have you ever thought about kill yourself, babe? Probably you did. I always regret to think about it. Life was given to me, I didn't choose that. I shouldn't choose my death time too. Beside that, I couldn't stand any of my beloved ones suffering for me, for something I did thinking only about me. Yeah, I'm thinking about the other even in those moments, hahahaha. I shouldn't be laughing? Sorry.

Babe, I'm sorry to write you those sad things again. Sorry for not being strong enough to deal with myself. I'm sorry having all this inside and doesn't know how to put it out. AND sorry for not being able to search for help when I obviously need it. I wish I could be a little less sttuborn and that my insurance would cover my madness too, hahahahahaha.

Even through all those crazy things, I love you.

And in the end, I hope that you - and everyone else that I care about - love me back.

Sincerely and Forever Yours, 

[iglovequotes]

http://iglovequotes.net/

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

April 25th, 2018. Letter #10

I can’t take it anymore. I’m over this troublesome life.

Maybe it’s a little rash start, but I’m sure you already felt like that at some point of your life too, babe. That moment when disappear sounds awesome, when we start to wonder if we would make any difference in the world. When we would like to give up on our own lives and just... Be gone. 

I know you’re gonna say that it’s gonna be okay, that soon all those bad feelings are gonna be over, but... We can’t walk on flower paths all the time, right? I know it. 

You know that my favorite quote is “Life is not a wishing granting factory”, but even Augustus Waters wanted his life would be different, through he knew it couldn’t be. I bet - if he was real - he would like to be healthy and spend the rest of his life with Hazel (also healthy) by his side. Why? Because life can’t be a whishing granting factory, but we still wishing. Hoping for better days, better lifes, better things. And even if our wishes don’t turns real, we get new ones and that’s how life goes.

I wish that I could speak my mind more at ease. I wish don’t think that I’ll trouble people if I talk about me or my feelings. I wish I wouldn’t be so criticized about my personality or my features. I wish I could be fragile, sensitive, with no one telling me that’s not right. I have so many wishes, don’t I babe? And maybe you'll say: “Go ahead, realize your wishes! Don’t give a damn about people and just be yourself. Do whatever you want to.” It’s not that easy, you know? 

People that look us outside, don’t know how many storms we hold inside, trying to not freak out.

I’m trying, all the time. Gosh, I’m trying every time I get out my bed. Everytime I smile, even when I don’t want to. We’re all trying, right? We’re all making our ways in this tough world. Sentences like “You’re not the one you used to be”, “Why are you like this? Put yourself together.”, “You’re being dramatic! Everyone got problems.” does not help. At all. Just give us tickets right to the bottom line, where’s so easy to get ourselves lost. I wish I could send all those people to space. Without oxigen masks.

Does they think I wanna be like this? Does they think that I wanna be insecure, sad, pessimist, feeling like sh*t most of the time? Does they know how many feelings I’m holding inside, trying not to spread bad things around? Who would like to be in the edge all the time? Who the hell would like that?! I know that I don’t.

You know, people don’t care if you’re okay. Not really. They just care if you’re good enough to be around them, but if you make they feel uncomfortable in any way, you need to change. You need to become a better version of yourself, you need to give up on who you are, you have to be what they want you to be. Until you’re just like they think it's right, you’re not good enough. And guess what?

We’re never good enough.

No, nothing you say right now is gonna change it, babe. That’s how we - humans - are. We are egocentric, selfish, looking only to ourselves. Including me. We don’t understand each other until put ourselves in someone's shoes. Until we go through the same situation or have to deal with it.

That’s why I’m tired. Exhausted to not be good enough. Done with all the people that say to me that I have to anything. I just wanna give up. Specially on me. Get rid of all those troubles, bad feelings, charges, labels and... I don’t know. Disappear?

Am I worrying you, right? I’m sorry. I won’t die or anything. I don’t wanna throw everything on you too. It’s because... I don’t know how to do things better. I don’t know how to be better. I really wish I knew. Write for you makes my heart, at least, be a little bit lighter. 

Babe, I trying my best. I swear. I’m trying not freak out, not give up, not be insane. I’m trying to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better counselour, a better student, a better employee... I’m trying to be better. For me, for the ones that I care about. 

It’s hard, but I keep trying.

I wish it means something to you. I wish you won’t give up on me too.

Sincerely and Forever Yours, 

[books-n-quotes]

It’s easy for someone to joke about scars if they’ve never been cut.

William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet (via books-n-quotes)

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

March 6th, 2018. Letter #9

Hello babe.

I’m feeling weird and I even don’t know why.

It’s weird like things affects you and you don’t even know how they did it. I don’t know what is happening to me today, but I’m feeling so down... I don’t even know if this letter will last. 

I don’t have much to say...

It’s a first, right?! Are you proud of your girl? I bet you’re rolling your eyes right now. I know, I know... I shouldn’t be joking and minimizing my own feelings, but you know me. I’ll do it until I can’t take it anymore, then I’ll cry my eyes out and you (or mom in your absence) will hug me and say that everything’s gonna be alright.

I think we have a standart here.

See? I did it again. It’s like... natural. Like Britney Spears. Okay, laugh! This one was funny, c’mon! Right, maybe it was not, but can you don’t do this face? I really don’t like when you’re mad. It’s freaking scary. 

Okay, I’ll shush. It’s better be quiet than be scolded by you. 

Through you’re mad at me, I love you and I’ll be okay, I promise. Don’t worry, okay? Just come back asap, so I can hug you anytime I want. Deal?

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

March 1st, 2018. Letter #7

OH. MY. GOD.

Do you have ANY IDEA of how much I’m proud of you? I am, babe! I’m the proudest lover in the whole world. You’re the most talented man in the whole world. Okay, maybe not in the whole world, but definitely in my world.

I know how much you’ve being working to achieve all the things you want, how hard has being deal with everything and be positive through all this. Did I ever said how amazing you are? I think I did, right? A lot of times, maybe? Not enough times, for sure.

I keep looking at you and hearing your voice while you talk with our friends about this achievement. I can’t get enough of this version of you, babe. The proud, happy and shy talented man that I want to spend my life with. Your sparkling eyes, noisy laugh, your unstoppable hands while you tell us something. The way that you ask “What?” everytime that I’m caught looking at you like a kid in an amusement park.

That’s right, babe. You amuse me. 

I can’t help feeling the luckiest girl in the world for have you by my side. I’m sure that every single person around you thinks the same. Your family, our friends, your co-workers, neighborns, even the ones who passes by in the street. We’re all privileged to have you. 

I thank to the Universe everyday for your life. Thank you for be this awesome human and for all the love you’ve been giving to me, through all this time.

I love you. Most Ardently. (Sorry for plagiarize Ms. Austen. It’s for a good cause) Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[wnq-writers]

“You must understand, I miss you even though I’ve gone silent.”

— N.M.Sanchez

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

April 27th, 2018. Letter #11

Hi babe.

Can I run away?

I saw some pics of you today and gosh! How gorgeous you are!!

Don't you dare deny it! You are! I'm so lucky, am I not? Definitely, I am.

Can't wait to see you again, hold you tight and kiss you until my lips hurts! I don't care. At all. I just want you here.

You probably wondering why do I want to run away, right? All my compliments didn't distracted you? Tsk, of course it didn't. I know you enough to know that you won't let it slip.

Babe, lately I don't have any control over my life. It kills me. I know everything happens for a reason and everything it's for the better. Even knowing it all, I can't avoid it. I see all the things around me going in strangers ways and... What can I do?

I can't tell people at home to put themselves together and solve their lifes without hurting each other and me. I can't scream at my boss and say to him "You're a duchbag!" everytime he put his blames on me and put us down, because I really need my job. I can't have a sincere talk with Luke because he hates discussions and everything that I have to say, I've been saying for a while. Gosh, I believe in his friendship, there's no one in this world that would be there for me like him, but... Trying not to make him tired of me, trying not to be a burden to him, I failed. I fail every time. Now, he's tired of trying to keep me close, I think. Maybe I should write him a letter. He would hate this, right? I'm a stupid.

Distance makes everything worse, babe. Most of the time, I just don't wanna say a thing and hide myself in a hug. But guess what? There's no one to hold me. Mom tries a lot, actually. But she's facing a bunch of things, you know? I guess they're going to divorce. I tell you next time you call me. So, except mom, I have no one - physically speaking. I'm a emotional stupid little mess. Okay, not a little, but a lot of mess.

I'm a total mess.

What would you do if you were here, babe? Maybe you would be as busy as everyone and we wouldn't be able to meet either. Maybe you'd get tired of me and dumped me at the first whinning. You can't take this much of drama, can you?

Do you want me to stop to write you letters, honey? I'll do it if you tell me to. I'll do it if it keeps you by my side. I don't wanna lose you. Don't wanna lose everything I achieved at my job. I don't wanna lose Luke and his amazing friendship. He's my Woody (I'll explain this through the phone if you didn't understand). I don't wanna lose anyone or anything. But you know what?

I think I'm the loser.

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

March 2nd, 2018. Letter #8

Hello Babe. May I be sad over stupid little things?

I’m starting a lot of letters with this stupid sad beginnings, right? I am so sorry.  I should end this awful letter and write a better one for you. Definitely, you deserve better. Even a better person to be with, instead of me. 

Okay, I’m being a drama queen and you probably are rolling your eyes. 

It’s okay, I don’t blame you. I would be rolling my eyes for me too. I’m so idiot that I don’t even know why I’m writing this letter. Maybe I just need to steam off and I know you would never turn me down. You’re always there for me... I’m a lucky bastard, I know it.

I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I know I have a lot of good people around me, I have a lot of good things in my life... For God’s sake, I have a life! I wake up every morning and can breathe, walk, go to work and everything. I shouldn’t be complaining about a thing. Even knowing it, here I am, complaining with you about my life. Again. For nothing in particular, but for being sad over ridiculous little things.

It’s not acceptable be sad because someone told you “You’ve lost weight! You’re so beautiful”. Everyone in this whole world would be happy, right? WHY am I sad about it? Maybe because when I was not that thin, people didn’t said this to me? I mean, I’m just pretty when I’m over a few pounds? My beauty is affected by my weight?

It’s not acceptable be sad because your friend said: “You’re being awkward, distant those days”. I mean, I know I’m being an a** most of the time those days. I can tell it! I’m being awkward all the time, with everyone, including myself. I’m insecure, exhausted, stressed, all together in a blender. I have problems at work, at home, at every single place that I’m in, including my mind. Then, everytime I try to explain it, I just mess everything more than before.

Gosh, I wanna cry so much.

No, I can’t cry. This would be the most stupid thing ever.

Should I make a counter with all the times I’ve said “stupid”, “ridiculous” and “idiot” in this letter? Should I count how many times I was those three adjectives? I would end up counting endlessly.

I’m so sorry for being this way. If you were here, you would probably hug and pet me, telling “Everything is gonna be alright”. And when I tried to push you, you would hold me even tighter, wouldn’t you? I know you would. It’s so like you...

I wish you were here. To see me through my walls. Is this expect too much? Are you feeling pressured? I’m sorry. I would hate to do this with you.

Babe, let me finish it here. You’re gonna call me at any minute, to talk about your day and ask about mine. I need to sound okay.

I love you. 

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

February 27th, 2018. Letter #6

Hello Babe.

How do I help somebody that doesn’t ask for help, but everyone can see that needs it?

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m feeling powerless and very very very weak. It’s really hard to see someone who you care so much being in such a pain and you can do nothing to help. It’s killing me!

You probably gonna say: “Talk. Everything gets better when you express your feelings and thoughts”, but how can I do it when you don’t have any opening? What can I do when I’ve already said everything that I could? I’ve tried a subtle approach, failed. I’ve tried a tough approach, failed. I’ve tried to be as sweet as possible, failed. I’ve tried to be racional, failed. I’m really lost over here.

My true wish is kick his butt and say: PLEASE, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! IT’S REALLY PAINFULL SEE YOU THIS WAY! YOU’LL DIE IF YOU STAY THIS MISERABLE AND DON’T MAKE A MOVE!, but this would sound a little bit rude, right?

I’m frustrated, babe. 

I wanna help, wanna be supportive and know that things are gonna be okay. Am I asking too much? Too greedy, too selfish? How bad it’s to want that people around you gets better to you don’t feel bad for them? How many times it’s acceptable to someone reject help? It’s almost like he gets used to the pain so much, that it becomes his best friend instead of me. 

Am I being too dramatic? Overreacting? I guess so...

Please babe, send me some signal... Tell me what to do. I want my friend back... I wanna laugh and talk all day, I want long conversations with just a look, like before. My mind was read so many times before, so why can’t be read right now? It’s so hard to see how much I care? I’m so tired of being awfull. I’m tired of see everybody around me being miserable. 

I want a lot of hapiness for us. Is it that hard to achieve?

I was thinking about how to end this letter and just read something that a korean guy wrote.

"Happiness is not something that you have to achieve. You can still feel happy during the process of achieving something."

— Kim Namjoon

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

February 25th, 2018. Letter #5

Hello babe.

Changes are really awkward, don’t you think?

After yesterday, I decided to change a little bit, but I’d never know that it would change a lot. Pretty bizarre, huh? It’s like the Chaos Theory, though when isn’t about chaos.

“A small change in one state of a deterministic nonlinear system can result in large differences in a later state.” 

I have no ideia what “deterministic nonlinear system” means, but my point is: one thing change everything. It’s waaay simple, don’t you think? I mean, one decision made me realize a couple things today. I have a little list and I don’t care if you’ll complain about me doing a list, so here it is:

even when you expect something, you can be surprised;

when you don’t expect, you’ll be even more suprised; 

nobody, never, will be satisfied with each other’s attitudes;

you never see yourself the way that others do;

changes are hard, but they’re meaningful; 

you learn with them. always;

you can be sad and happy at the same time. 

What do you think? It’s really great that one minimal thing made me realize all that, right? Even if it’s awkward and hard, I’m happy with my changes, babe. I’m waiting for the new challenges, new people, new habits. I’m calm, but excited to see what this new path reserves for me. 

I’m full of hope! hahahaha

I miss you and can’t wait to share every single detail of this new change with you. Hope you’re taking care of yourself! Don’t make me worry, ok? Rest well and have enough sleeps hours! 

Dream about me... About us, together. I know I will! 

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[ifthenightcouldtalk]

“When you’re falling for someone and you can’t stop thinking about how amazing they are don’t forget to remember how amazing you are too.”

— They’d be lucky to have you. Go get ‘em.

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

Life is like a stormy ocean. It's like a windy desert. Life it's like a dark and closed forest without fireflies. But if you feel like you're drowning, being stuck or you're losing yourself, don't panic! Breath and remember: Everything is possible. Oceans, deserts and forests are easy to get through. Humans have been doing this before you, for centuries. You can win against it all. Even your problems.

Hint Eye*

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

February 24th, 2018. Letter #4

Hello babe.

I had a mental breakdown today. 

Am I being rude starting your letter like this? I am sorry. I should ask how are you and send you a lot of recommendations about take care of yourself first. Can we pretend that I’ve done it? Because, right now, I reeeeally need your support and love. If were here, I’d probably be receiving your biggest hug. Gosh, I’d love this. Anyways, getting back to the first topic... I couldn’t take anymore. 

You know I always restrain myself about feelings. I’m insecure and constantly think that I don’t to share my troubles or complains with others. Everybody has its own concerns to handle. I know you told me a lot of times that I can count on you, and talk to you, but it has already become an habit. I’m damaged.

But today, I couldn’t keep anymore. I was overloaded, stressed, extremely sad. I’ve been fighting with the girls over and over again — we’re all in a bad mood, week, maybe life —, feeling awful most of the time and one text made me explode. In a few seconds, I was crying like a baby to my mom in the kitchen. You’d like to see her face in that moment, wouldn’t you? Thinking about it now, she was really in shock and lost. Poor mama. Anyway, I exploded. But guess what? After that, here I am, writing to you and ready to make new things happen. 

I am completely crazy, am I not?

Everybody says: “You can speak your mind”, “Release your worries before you drown in your own”, “Why didn’t you told me?”, like it’s easy. It’s not. People always expect things. They build an image and expect us to behave like it. If we don’t, we’re not good enough. 

Do you also feel this way, babe? I mean, I feel like there’s no one who could understand what’s on my mind, then I just don’t talk about it. Doesn’t matter to them. The time that they spend with me, they can spend trying to solve their own problems. Listen to me won’t solve mine, won’t solve theirs, so what’s the point? 

“Relief”, I can hear your voice saying.

I hate when you act all cocky, like you know it all, but you’re right. I feel relieved now that I’ve talked with my mom. My mind it’s a little bit more... clear to decide, I guess. It’s like everything was covered by a heavy fog of stress, fear and doubt, but after all the crying and chats, it’s becoming clear.

Babe, I know you’re under pressure, exhausted and really pushing yourself to do everything right... I’m so sorry that I can’t be by your side. But I want you to know, that I’m already proud of you and I know that you’re going to be awesome in everything you do. You’re already awesome. Reaaaally incredible!. That’s why I love you. 

I miss you so much. 

Sincerely and Forever Yours, 

[books-n-quotes]

Why does one begin to write? Because she feels misunderstood, I guess. Because it never comes out clearly enough when she tries to speak. Because she wants to rephrase the world, to take it in and give it back again differently, so that everything is used and nothing is lost. Because it’s something to do to pass the time until she is old enough to experience the things she writes about.

Nicole Krauss, The History of Love (via books-n-quotes)

[such-a-fool-for-you-blog1]

February 23rd, 2018. Letter #3

Hello babe. You’ve been working a lot, don’t you? Are you exhausting yourself? Please babe, tell me you don’t. Actually, tell me the truth. I know you minimize things just I don’t worry about it. Guess what, I’m already worried.

I know my letters was suposed to tell about my day, my feelings and all the stuff I’m doing while you’re away, but today, I’m worried about you. 

How are you feeling?

You always hide your struggles, worries, complains and it makes me feel anxious. It don’t helps me at all, you know? When you do it or even when you don’t, I just keep thinking you’re suffering and not telling me. This is what distance makes with us and it hurts. ‘Cause when we’re close to each other I can notice if you’re lying, know when you’re extremely tired or if you’re skipping meals. I can call and say I’m missing you just for you to come home early, or I can blackmail you saying I won’t eat if you don’t. Gosh, I could call your friends and demand them to take care of you and report me about it but you’ll be furious if you find out, won’t you? Am I being too obsessive? Creepy? I’m sorry. I can’t help but feeling sorry. For not being able to do anything to help, even just hug you or say “I’m cheering for you”. I am really sorry, babe. 

I wish I could kiss your troubles away. But I can’t do it either.

Even miles apart, knows that I’m here for you. If you need to talk, scream, cry or anything, I'm here. Maybe not in person, blood and flesh, but my heart is always with you. Even when I don’t want to. Hey, don’t look me this way... Okay, I won’t say it anymore.

Please babe, take care. Ease my heart by being healthy and happy. The most precious award to me is your beautiful smile.

I love you. So much. More than I can tell.

Sincerely and Forever Yours,

[books-n-quotes]

I would have written you, myself, if I could put down in words everything I want to say to you. A sea of ink would not be enough. But you built me dreams instead.

Erin Morgenstern, The Night Circus (via books-n-quotes)