I need to own up to what I’ve done.. At this point, I think it’s far too late to say that I’m as sorry as I’ve been selfish but this is an apology nonetheless.
We both know I shouldn’t have come to see you. Twice. I needed it, needed to see you - most likely to assuage a guilty conscience. I left you and while that was the necessary course of action, I still feel exceedingly cruel a year later. I feel guilty for so many things: ending our relationship, not being able to help you in the first place, moving. Physically seeing you proves to me that despite having hurt you, it could have been worse. You’re alive. You’re doing well enough. I want to believe that something good came out of all this for you. I need to believe that I am inherently kind.
I didn’t stop to think about if that was what you needed too. Except that’s a lie - I did think about it. In fact, I knew that seeing me was the last thing you needed and I ignored that. My ignorance is far, far worse. The truth is that I couldn’t leave well enough alone because I can’t handle you being out of my life. That is my own shortcoming.
You are every song by my favorite band. You are the reason I have my job and the passion I have for it. You are the cigarettes I smoke and the coffee I drink. Yours eclipses every other bed in which I slip out of consciousness. And I will compare every summer to the heat of the last - the year the world should have ended. The year mine did.
Even through the last hundred and fifty words, I’ve left a gaping hole in the center of my apology - which is this: trying to deny that I’m still in love with you makes me feel worse than anything else. Despite everything that’s been said or done, even through half a year of no communication, I want you to be It.
I’m torn. I should let life move forward and hope that if it’s meant to be, it will. I would rather send you this letter because I’m terrified that you’re going to move on. I’m terrified that you’ve already moved on. This isn’t fair to you. I’m so sorry.
Now isn’t the time for us and I know that. We have a lot of shit we need to get together before <i>we</i> could ever be together but I hope that there will be time.
I want more time with you.
