You can ignore this rant.
I don't know what I feel. I feel numb... I just want to be the person that would make everyone happy enough. But I am no where near that even though I try so fucking hard to be. Part of me wishes that I would have OD today.. but.. I don't know guys.. This is hard.. My best friend probably hates me now.. My relationship.. I was getting better because of all of these things before and now they are just all fucking me up. Everything is fucking me up and I just want to leave this place.. leave everything.. but you. I don't know why it is that way.. I was so reassured in the beggining.. My heart just hurts constantly and half the time I don't even known why it is.. I try to block everything out but everything reminds me of something else.. I try hard to be a good person, to be the person that people want to be around, but I know Im not and the people that did want to be around me have left. Fuck, if it was me.. I would leave me too. I'm nothing. I'm a waste of air and space. I thought I was proved wrong, but now I am debating it. Maybe it would have been better if I left this world three years ago with my dad. Everyone said it would get better, and it did, just to get worse. I don't understand life and I am trying to be the hope that others see one day. To be able to say, "I was in a really tough place but now I can see it's worth it." I don't want to be proved wrong again.. My letters are written.. I have everything to just leave.. Maybe I am just too scared to actually do it.. Scared to hurt you.. but sometimes I think that would be the best thing to do. To save everyone from meeting me. From ever to actually have to talk to me again. For the dissapointment that I bring. I'm sorry to whomever actually stops to read this, I am just ranting to stop me from doing something I shouldn't, even though it probably will happen. I just want my lovely mess. With no one else in it. I'm sacrificing my heart for this. I've gotten rid of everyone I knew to cause problems. I just hope that it's enough this time. I am still counting my days.. I don't want them to run out.. but it's looking more and more like they might. I don't know.. Being alone is scaring me.. being alive is scaring me. You're scaring me but your the most comforting thing to me. If this is the end.. I wish it was just quicker for my life.
