No human prefers to be alone, you're just scared to love and be loved.
A friend told me the other day that they prefer to be alone. I’ve said that myself, so many times. That I’m an introvert, that I’d rather be by myself than be with others. But that’s a lie, isn’t it? No human being prefers to be alone. Maybe we prefer the peace and comfort of not having to consider anyone else’s feelings but our own, but true enrichment only happens when we share ourselves with others. I tried to make peace with my loneliness. I even gave it a name – conscious isolation. It was for my own benefit – how else was I going to do the inner work that was necessary for me to grow if I was busy caretaking others all the time? I suppose that’s my issue – I always feel like I must look after those that I am around. I never just simply allow them to exist; I have to fix them in some way. Make them better. Happier. Help them flourish into the most authentic version of themselves. I can never just let someone be. Maybe if I let go of the idea of having to cure every person I encounter, I’d relax into the presence of others more. I wouldn’t feel the crushing responsibility of someone else’s wellbeing that weighs on my shoulders.
Truthfully, I am afraid to trust. I am afraid to be vulnerable. I am afraid to truly love. Somewhere along the way - I got the idea that my love was too much for others to handle. That I needed to keep it in a neat little box, otherwise it would make others uncomfortable. For me to truly love someone, it is all-encompassing. I want to climb into their skin and wear it as my own. I want to see the world through their eyes, and be entirely devoted to loving them. But in the past, that hasn’t gone so well. I’ve been told I’m not allowed to love in the way that I do. That my love needs to have rules and restrictions if it is to be palatable. And then I am a little girl again, being shown that to be safe is to be unheard and unseen. So I pretend that I don’t love. I pretend that it’s not important to me to have friends and lovers. That I prefer to be alone. Because truthfully, I am terrified that if I do love someone fully, with my whole heart and body, that I will again be told that it is too much for others to handle, and that I need to pack it away in a box in the rear chamber of my heart. I’ve never been very good at that – packing things away and leaving them behind. These things tend to leave a stain on my soul – one that never leaves, even if I scrub the surface raw.
I don’t want to have to water down my love anymore. I want to shamelessly adore those who I consider my friends. I don’t even know if it’s possible for me to have friends – only lovers. I cannot like someone without loving them. Every single bit of them. I cannot love someone without wanting their skin on my skin; their hearts in the palm of my hand. I pray that next time I fall in love – my offering will be embraced wholeheartedly. That I will finally feel like I belong somewhere. That the other person too wishes to hold me in my deepest grief, and my most raw ecstasy. I pray that the next time I fall in love – the other person falls too. That they never ask me to make my love easier to digest, neater, more acceptable. I never want to be asked to dilute my feelings ever again.
I pray, let me sink into you. Let me wrap your clothes around my body and see into you. Ask me questions. Fall in love with my child-like awe and wonder. Ask me more questions. Let me tell you about my Dad. Tell me about yours. I never want to ‘like’ anyone ever again. ‘Liking’ someone doesn’t exist. It’s a made-up word aimed to please those who feel there must be rules around who one can truly love. Let me sink into you. I promise, you won’t regret it. You’ll feel like for the first time in your life, you have truly been seen. Let all of me in, because I know you are afraid too. You, too, are afraid to love and be loved. You, too, have been hurt. You were also told to tamper your feelings in the name of the status quo. I promise, when you’re with me, you never have to be anything besides your weird and wonderful self. I’ll take all of you in as me. That’s what love is – to take you as a part of myself. I promise, this time, if you let me love without rules, I won’t drop your heart from my outstretched hand. I will hold it forever. As long as you permit me to hold as many other hearts as I want to.
