Contemplations of a 22 year old ace
I find myself delving into the philosophical and sociological thoughts and research over gender, society, and sexuality more and more as I grow up.
It is most definitely a sign of me looking for a home. Rather, it is as if I am the migratory bird, looking for the place that I belong, the place that I can land in, ensured I am safe and integrated into the habitat.
I am a person growing up, searching for ways, for words, that fit, that explain and relate to my experience in society.
Some weeks ago I finally finished reading “Ace what Asexuality reveals about desire, society and the meaning of sex” by Angela Chen. It is a wonderful and enlightening book written by an ace person, full of ace experiences and discourse, research, arguing and explaining of not just asexuality, but how it exists within this society, and all it conveys and implies.
An absolutely recommended book. If you’re in the aroace spectrum, I highly suggest you read it. I suspect you’ll find it both fascinating and reassuring.
Even if you’re not on the aroace spectrum, you should still absolutely read it. It puts many things into persoective and you will find it very enlightening.
Among many things, the book proposes thinking of attraction as something that is composed by multiple elements, some of which are not present for aroace people.
I found this line of thought fascinating and incredibly logical. Attraction and sexuality are very hard to define and tackle, specially for aroace people who lack certain components of it, but it is an absolutely fascinating subject. The book tackles it so brilliantly without muddling it with complex terms, it truly left me feeling more consoled and reassured than ever.
It often feels like there’s no path forward for me. Like the relationships I want are impossible because of me being in the spectrum. But the book showcases many cases of people just like me, having good lives.
Aroaceness is a not an illness. It is also not something to be fought, I think. We are often so ashamed by our differences, we try to fit in society’s box, though we were not made for it. It is a struggle, a fight we shouldn’t be signed up for.
Why is diversity so hard to open up to? Even if we are open to it in others?
I accept diversity in others. Yet it took me years to accept my aroaceness, to feel comfortable with it. And I still have bad days.
The rise in hate against queer people has had me utterly stressed and anxious, balling up and hissing at every thing like a nervous animal. So many say this diversity is a flaw of modern society, a fault.
It feels necessary to say this, though it should be blatantly obvious:
Diversity is not the symptom of an ill modern society. It’s a symptom of the human condition.
Diversity is a fact in nature. It is natural.
Many animals do not have a set sex; mostly fish and amphibians from the species we know, which are able to change their sex as needed (like Nemo!).
Intersexuality is present in almost every species, as it is possible given the right set of genes.
Hermaphroditic animals are also very, very common. From invertebrates like snails to vertebrates like sea bass.
Many mammals and birds partake in what would be considered homosexuality, and do not have set gender roles (which could in part explain what we’d call homosexual behavior, because as animals, they have no concepts of sex or gender. They just are. No boxes, roles or stereotypes of behavior are required). Take the gay penguins for example, raising penguin chicks.
Mind you, this is all information that can be found in any book about flora and fauna, or an encyclopedia, a basic biology class, or any internet page.
Modern society, colonized by the western white way of thinking, driven by religious beliefs used to justify hate and violence, has made it seem unnatural. Queerness in any way (and by this I mean any identity that is outside the hetero, cis, allo, normative) has been deemed unnatural, unlawful, and sinful.
Yet it is in nature, and also in us. Because we are a part of nature, just another animal/being in the planet, however much we see ourselves as superior.
I find it befuddling and ridiculous that people will see the evidence of it being natural, as infinite diversity IS the natural way of the universe, and still have the gall to call it unnatural.
To every queer person out there (and by this I mean any person that doesn’t fit the cis/hetero/allo box):
I know things are very stressful right now. The world seems to be on the cusp of something, whether it is great change or chaos is still up to the masses.
Some of you may have lost funds you depended on. Your right to healthcare. Your right to marriage. Your right to love safely and openly. Your right to be yourself. Or your home. Or security. Or safety. Or family. Or friends. Or partners. Your mental and physical health; stability in general even.
Things may seem hopeless right now, even unescapable doom.
But I hope you find comfort in the thought that no matter how loud the violent voices of hate shout, your existence is natural, is expected, is logical. That cannot be refuted. No matter how much they try to erase you, they will not be able to.
We’re here, we’re queer. We’re people, we’re humans, we’re mammals, just a different type of animals with more awareness than all the rest.
Keep raising your voice. Write, make art, do what you must to leave a record behind, to protest in your own way, to speak out, to soothe yourself. Know that you will not be erased, that you are natural, that you are not the freak of nature they say.
Know you are not alone. We are all together in this.
Speak out. It often feels like there are more bad people than good people in the world. Do you know why?
Because way too many good people stay silent. What use is it if you only have good thoughts and intentions and speak them only in private to yourself, but don’t do it with others, TO others?
When all the good people do nothing, that’s when the bad things happen. When malice wins. When everyone does nothing, the good people might as well be not there, mere wallpaper.
I do not mean you have to go to every protest, or oust yourself, or put yourself in every dangerous or uncomfortable situation you encounter that might end up with you homeless (in the case you’re young and get kicked out). It can be something as small as talking to a friend, to a classmate, educating them.
Maybe share with them a book about queer people, about marginalized people.
Tell them it’s not okay to perpetuate hateful practices.
Call out their racist comments.
Buy cookies from trans owned businesses.
Buy from local queer/black owned businesses.
Write a blog maybe, to share your thoughts, to spread the positive thinking, the acceptance and tolerance.
Make an art piece that resonates with tolerance, with love, that condemns the marginalization and discrimination of others.
Do something, anything. But do not do Nothing. Nothing is the enemy of good, it is complacency. Doing nothing means being complicit. Doing Nothing is what allows the bad to continue, to spread. Being silent in the face of injustice is never okay.
Big actions and words are not required. You do not have to attend every single protest and be the loudest chanter. But be present in the fight, even in the smallest ways.
It is in the small ways, I’d say, that the biggest changes can occur. Small tips in the scale can turn the tides. Butterfly effect, if you will.
As Gandalf would say, it is often in the smallest things that we find the greatest light and change.
My heart goes out to all those suffering right now. Do not lose hope, do not give up the fights. Know you are not alone.
I see you, I accept you, I love you.
We are all people, we are all alive. And we deserve to live openly as we are with dignity, happiness, safety.
Is it not enough that we are all people? All humans? All alive and feeling?
P.S.: I wrote this half-asleep, sick with flu(?), and at midnight. So, apologies if it doesn’t have the best coherent flow.
