I haven't left Cosmics room since we got here. I haven't eaten since I had a couple bites of a sandwich on the plane. I told Cos I don't feel well, but the truth is I'm terrified to leave this room. I know he's sad I won't come out and hang out with everyone, but I'm not wanted here. I've been threatened by a third of this household, bullied by two thirds, and my friendship with the last third is laughable considering his partners hate me. Im only here because Cosmic wants me to be, and I can't leave him. I have to keep him safe. The last time I left him, he got kidnapped. I'm drawing pictures for Christmas presents, since I used most of my money staying in Baltimore to wait for Cos to come home. I'm going to draw Cosmic one of him, Ryan, and Brendon, and then one of us. I've drawn Ryan enough that I don't need them to sit for me, and I'm not sure they would anyway. Bren said he'll sit for me, and he's going to try to teach me how to play the piano. I hope he doesn't ask if I'm eating. He's got more important things to worry about, right? I'll be okay. I lied to Cosmic and said I'd packed some food in my suitcase, and the sick excuse makes that plausible. Brendon will buy it, too. I still haven't burned the wallet yet.
Cosmic is gone he’s gone they took him he said it would happen but I didn’t believe him not really I thought it wouldn’t happen I didn’t want it to happen but he’s fucking gone
nobody has even noticed that he’s gone except Alex and he can’t find him either what was I expecting nobody will find him they’ve been doing this for too long they wouldn’t make it easy
i want to blame alex i want to be able to say it was his fault if cos doesn’t come back but i know what he would say if i did that
if i blamed the person who took him in and loved him when no one else did, not even me
i should have made him live with me we could have hid maybe they wouldn’t have found him he might have been safe
i need to find him i need to tell him that he’s wanted that i love him i don’t tell anyone that i love them and maybe it’s not romantic love yet but he’s my friend and i love him and i can’t let him be gone i need him
i got angry after he left. i did it again. i thought it was a dream until the fog cleared and there it was. i’m getting too good at hiding the evidence.
i don’t want to disappear into my madness. cosmic makes me feel real. i need to feel real again.
i need him to be here, and be happy. watching cosmic laugh and smile.. i don’t even need to be a part of it. just let him come home.
I have a date with Levi. With Levi of all people. He's beautiful and sweet and I...I'm not good enough for him. Not even close. He's perfect in every way and I'm just some weird little slave. I never should have been allowed to leave. But I'm so, so happy. I hope Levi likes me as much as I like him. I'm gonna work really hard to get him the best Christmas present ever, even if he decides he doesn't like me, just for giving me the chance. I've been more in a funk recently. I feel alone. I used to always be alone but now, even in a room of my closest friends, I feel weird. Like everyone is looking at me and laughing. It makes me cry a lot. I cry a lot at night too. The puppies always keep me warm and try to make me happy again but I always have nightmares. I wish they would stop. I wish everything would stop. Like, I stopped hitting myself what I moved in with Alex because I didn't want him to see, but the urge is back and I do it almost all the time now, when I know no one is looking. I deserve it, I'm bad. I'm bad bad bad.
Let me tell ya’ll how fucked up this little girl’s got me. Thinking I honestly wouldn’t fuck her whole world up. I wasn’t even that mad about anything until Taylor wanted to act like a tough guy because Alex was on the dash. She does not want the enemy she just made herself but whatever. When that boy fucks her over and she’s heartbroken and alone because she’s such a little fucking attention seeking crybaby then it’s on her and only on her.
Selena annoys me too but that’s because I’m fucking Justin lol. I think she’s got it bad for him but he’s pretty whatever on her right now for some reason. I see it though. I’m not stupid and I know he will end up with her again more than likely. I’m just enjoying it while it lasts cause I wouldn’t let him cheat on her with me after they’re together. I might be a lot of undesirable things but the other woman is something I never am.
Patty is staying with me for a while. He can stay as long as he wants, really. It’s nice to have another soul in the house with me. He’s been sleeping in the Guest room and he’s a good guest. He made dinner tonight and it was really awesome then he even washed the dishes??? He was a little awkward at first but then he realized I’m not holding a grudge because we fucked this summer or trying to get in his pants again so we’re fine. The first night he was here, actually, we got faded as fuck and talked to each other about everything. It was really cleansing and I feel like we’re on a new level now where we have transcended awkwardness and that’s no longer gonna be a thing. Maybe I will text him the next time I’m pooping to see how he feels about it. That will be the true test of our bond.
craig and I had our first holiday together on thursday and it was perfect and everyone was happy and got along and my heart was so full of love and happiness. and then later that night we got into a stupid fight over nothing, I slapped him and pushed him around and he shoved me up against the wall and called me names. I guess this kind of made me realize that things can seem so perfect, but perfect isn't real and what we have IS real. and I guess what's real is that you can be so happy and so thankful and then two hours later want to push each other out of the window. that's okay though. we fought and then we fucked and then we told each other we loved each other and woke up the next day as happy as ever. I've never known someone who I could fight with and then be absolutely fine the next day, not even a tiny bit annoyed or bitter with them. craigs family is so sweet and they all seem to love me so much. his mom said she was proud of him for ending up with someone like me and his grandparents think I'm the prettiest girl in the world. my mom likes him too. she can't believe I have a home and a life with someone but I think it's hard for her because she still sees me as a baby. I'm kinda upset that my dad isn't around but whatever. my birthday is on friday. I'm excited to finally be 21 but not excited as I thought I would be. maybe I'll get more excited throughout the week. I don't know. whatever.
It’s almost thanksgiving, and despite my love of cooking and my brothers’ love for my cooking, i fucking hate the holidays. i hate going home. i hate having to spend time with my parents, who look so disappointed every time i send a text instead of spend twenty minutes stuttering through a four word sentence, who sigh whenever i write on a sticky note instead of trying to speak for them, even though it has been twelve damn years since the last time i spoke to them.
i haven’t told john or the guys how it’s like when i’m at home, and neither has tim. i thank him almost every day for that, for letting me keep my secrets. he’s a good brother, tim is. so are matty and bry. i miss them.
it’s going to be so awkward at home. i’ve baked at least six pies, and it isn’t even the day of yet. i’m foisting them off on kenny and garrett’s family and jared and john, because i feel to anxious to eat.
i feel like i’m annoying john, by staying with him so much. i just like being around him so much, because even if we’re not in the same room or speaking to each other, i know he’s there and it’s comforting to have his presence. sometimes i think about asking him if i could move in with him, just so i wouldn’t be so alone… i told him my apartment is haunted, but really, it’s just too quiet. i grew up with three older brothers, and i pursued a career in music, playing the damn drums; prolonged silence is not something i’m comfortable with. at least at john’s, salem is always running around, or meowing, and i can hear john moving about. i would ask, but… i’m too afraid he’ll say no.
he and garrett are the most understanding when it comes to me not speaking; kenny and jared try, they’re very sweet, but sometimes they get frustrated and that’s not their fault. i found another friend who seems very nice about me being nonverbal; brendon urie, from panic at the disco. he’s really sweet, and we talk about the words we think are funny. he seemed a little upset today, so i told him a bunch of funny words, and i think it cheered him up a little bit. his boyfriend, pete, doesn’t like me, i don’t think. brendon said he’s jealous, but i don’t know why, because i just want to be brendon’s friend. i tried to talk to him today and make friends, but he didn’t want to talk to me. it made me feel bad, i even made a silly post about how good of a friend i am to have.
i told milo i would teach him how to bake, because he doesn’t know how, and i told ryan about my gingerbread castle i made when i was fourteen that my brothers demolished. it’s hard to bake masterpieces and have brothers at the same time. they don’t even wait until you’ve got a picture before snatching whatever food they can reach.
i’ve got a ton of new friends, but i haven’t really done much. i think i might skip thanksgiving this year. i don’t want to be in the same room as my parents, or have them look at me like they do. i can’t stand it.
maybe i’ll go to the shelter and help cook for the homeless. i’ll take a bunch of pie with me, because who doesn’t want pie on thanksgiving?
