it's that time of year where you have to decide if you wanna study something and what you wanna study and where you wanna study and i think im going. absolutely bonkers over all of it. on one hand yes i wanna move out, yes i want my own apartment and to live on my own i have literally been dreaming about that for like the last year. on the other hand no i don't wanna move away from my family and to move out of my room to possibly never live in it again. i've been living in this room since i was two and a half that is so long and the idea of moving out of it feels so weird.
and then i recently (like a few days ago really) i realised that i. don't think i can stay here and keep growing and becoming someone i wanna be. like yeah i love my hometown and all that but i feel so burdened by having lived here all my life and i don't think i can just. go to uni here and leave all that behind. idk if that makes any sense but just. idk. it doesn't feel like im capable of living a life here, and that's sad as fuck.
and i've basically just put off making these decisions by a year but now im. having to deal with them. in like, mostly a good way though. (like i stayed at home partly cause of covid and partly cause i, ngl, was feeling ~very~ burn out and absolutely done with school for all foreseeable future. but now. i am pursuing options and considering thing bc i want to and it feels... right. i think.) bc like... i want to make these decisions and go through with them but they're you know. hard decisions.
and it's also so permanent. like if i get this degree im looking at... when im done im just supposed to start working as that?? wtf? what if i hate it? and don't even get me started on 40 hour work weeks bc i think i might cry if i think about it too much. like yeah i genuinely rly do want to work, i literally have been gushing about how nice working is even though im not employed i just do some hours here and there. but 40 hrs a week? i don't think i can handle that after like 15 years in the school system. i cannot see how i could do that and not feel Like Shit. how is that the expected time it's absolutely insane honestly. 6 hour work days now pls.