Equal and Oposite Reactions
Honestly, I’ve been avoiding writing this post. It was beginning to feel like the universe had it out for me. It seems I can never just come back with good news.
About a month ago, my mom officially confirmed that she will not be giving a key to my dad. She even told him outright. My house is now a home, and I feel safer than I ever have in my whole life. But in gaining one home, I may have lost another. Around the same time, my boyfriend broke up with me.
I always called him my home, because if there was one place I knew I was safe, it was in his arms. Now, I may have lost that. We talked, and now we’re not quite broken up, but we aren’t together either. We’re somewhere between taking a break and being friends. We aren’t dating other people, but we aren’t dating each other. We’re in limbo, a definite maybe. I’m holding on and trying to come up with solutions, and he’s deciding whether or not he wants to try.
The breakup was sparked by something I said when I was manic, something I started to say but was cut off before I could finish. He thinks I was going to say something else. That’s it. A misinterpurted, manic sentence fragment may have ended six years together.
Every little bit of this hurts. I’m blaming myself, especially my manic side, to the point of self-loathing. I’m blaming him, and trying not to hate him, because I still love him. The thing he thinks I was going to say is just so awful, and it hurts knowing that he thinks I could think that and that he won’t believe me when I say otherwise. My head is spinning because he was the one thing in my life that hadn’t changed, and now I have nothing to hold onto. I’m desperately trying to grab onto something, something, anything, in my life that is constant so that I don’t feel so lost. I’m trying to be the bigger person, pick up the pieces, and try to mend our relationship.
And I’m so tired, so, so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of feeling so lost and so dizzy, tired of being the only person working to try and fix us... I... I’m not doing well.
Truth be told, I’m only here because running my blogs is something familiar that gives me a sense of control in my life. In other words, this is something I can grab onto. So thank you, all of you, for giving me something to hold onto.
