#lily.delete

[jyeoul]

i manage to suppress so many emotions, almost all of them really, unless its jealously/envy. if i’m jealous i’m fucking jealous af and there’s no controlling it

[jyeoul]

can’t remember the last time i genuinely felt happy for someone. there’s always an element of envy, i always want what i can’t have. idk. lately, i keep thinking about not having friends. i have no close friends... at all... there’s no one i talk to on a daily basis, no one i can speak to without feeling like i’m a burden... i’m very much aware of how boring i am and i how i can never keep up a conversation but. i still want it. even though i’m not trying, i still want it... i want someone to actually want to be my friend, to care for me the most zzzzzzzzzzz it’s so selfish ugh idk 

[jyeoul]

ya’ll should follow me on twitter and help me procrastinate, i have an impt quiz tmrw 

[jyeoul]

time to go, time to disappear! poof away forever from this hell

[jyeoul]

uuuugh fuck, i have uni tomorrow. i’ve been sleeping and crying all day, i won’t be able to sleep at all tonight... i’m in such a bad mood i don’t want to be around friends; they’re just gonna think i’m shitty and a mood killer uuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhh    all this anxiety is piling on top of each other and i want to disappear 

[jyeoul]

i’m so tired and mentally worn out and i’ve had so many panic attacks today, i’ve lost count, i’ve been shakey all day, and i’ve slept for way too long, i can’t concentrate, i keep thinking i want to cry but i can’t get anything out and honestly the only way i can think of getting myself out of this state is killing myself. death. jknjnghd it’s all so overwhelming, everything is coming at once and i don’t know how to handle it, everythings affecting me, every little thing i see is making me uncomfortable, tired, heavy, sad, yet i can’t even express it i just feel it in my head but i jsut end up staring blankly at everything  just. staring. and doing nothing other than shaking 

it’s like i want to talk to people i want to tell them but i don’t want to worry them but i also want the attention and i’m just at a deadend bc i want attention for all the wrong reasons, i want attention for things that don’t need it i don’t want people to worry for me but i also want them to miss me, to care for me, and it’s eating me alive because why can’t i make up my fucking mind 

[jyeoul]

being dead would b really nice right now

[jyeoul]

will there be a day in my life where i’m not unreasonably jealous and feeling super duper unimportant, probably not