Sneak peek to my upcoming fic!!
TW: mentions of death, abuse, loss, sex (not delved into simply mentioned), analysis of Dean Winchester’s love life and childhood.
A/N: Please enjoy, and if you have any ideas regarding where to go with this fic— please leave them in my ask box!! I’m planning on turning it into a Destiel fic, but not set on anything yet!
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The life of a hunter was simple, was it not? Kill or be killed, face pain or bury it, and save those who needed it. It was pretty cut and dry in the thick-skulled mind of the elder Winchester. Not that he had ever seen the other side of things, not like Sam had. He had never learned the gentle side of love— that there was more to intimacy than sex and that there was more to love than loss. At first, it was John who kept those lessons hidden away from Dean— and then, in taking over the title of head of the Winchester family, he forbade himself from those lessons. To know gentleness was to know vulnerability and, in hunting, to know vulnerability was to know death. He made sure that wall was never quite broken— no matter how crumbled it got under the pressure of those who tried.
His first lesson in the loss that love is was the day of his mother’s death. “The angels are watching over you,” she had said— the gentle words whispered as a lie she didn’t quite understand.
The second time was raising Sammy. If anything went wrong, it was Dean who received the burden of his father’s scrutiny. This was a loss and burden Dean learned to carry through his life. The loss of his childhood weighed less on his heart than even the idea of fully losing his little brother. His self worth had been Sammy’s existence, and to lose him would be to lose himself— even if raising him had already taken parts of him.
Had it not been for the hell hounds, he would have learned true, romantic, love from Jo. Not that it would’ve been gentle love— she was just as fucked as he was. But it would’ve been love nonetheless. That was the third time that he was taught— or rather had it hand-engraved into his brain matter— to acknowledge love as a loss he couldn’t afford.
Jo was the first and last romantic love Dean Winchester had allowed himself to indulge in. After that, every woman was a night and nothing more.
Years later, there was Lisa. He loved her, but what he learned from Jo that to love a woman past mere physicality in ways he couldn’t describe was to kill not only the love but also that woman. To be loved was to be killed. So, he let her go.
EDIT:
Oops!! Forgot to tag the two people I still have as moots after making this acc and we’re on my tag list: @chxrrywines @ryvkkr
Also, lmk if you wanna join the tag list!!