Sneak peek to my upcoming fic!!
TW: mentions of death, abuse, loss, sex (not delved into simply mentioned), analysis of Dean Winchesterās love life and childhood.
A/N: Please enjoy, and if you have any ideas regarding where to go with this ficā please leave them in my ask box!! Iām planning on turning it into a Destiel fic, but not set on anything yet!
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The life of a hunter was simple, was it not? Kill or be killed, face pain or bury it, and save those who needed it. It was pretty cut and dry in the thick-skulled mind of the elder Winchester. Not that he had ever seen the other side of things, not like Sam had. He had never learned the gentle side of loveā that there was more to intimacy than sex and that there was more to love than loss. At first, it was John who kept those lessons hidden away from Deanā and then, in taking over the title of head of the Winchester family, he forbade himself from those lessons. To know gentleness was to know vulnerability and, in hunting, to know vulnerability was to know death. He made sure that wall was never quite brokenā no matter how crumbled it got under the pressure of those who tried.Ā
His first lesson in the loss that love is was the day of his motherās death. āThe angels are watching over you,ā she had saidā the gentle words whispered as a lie she didnāt quite understand.Ā
The second time was raising Sammy. If anything went wrong, it was Dean who received the burden of his fatherās scrutiny. This was a loss and burden Dean learned to carry through his life. The loss of his childhood weighed less on his heart than even the idea of fully losing his little brother. His self worth had been Sammyās existence, and to lose him would be to lose himselfā even if raising him had already taken parts of him.Ā
Had it not been for the hell hounds, he would have learned true, romantic, love from Jo. Not that it wouldāve been gentle loveā she was just as fucked as he was. But it wouldāve been love nonetheless. That was the third time that he was taughtā or rather had it hand-engraved into his brain matterā to acknowledge love as a loss he couldnāt afford.Ā
Jo was the first and last romantic love Dean Winchester had allowed himself to indulge in. After that, every woman was a night and nothing more.Ā
Years later, there was Lisa. He loved her, but what he learned from Jo that to love a woman past mere physicality in ways he couldnāt describe was to kill not only the love but also that woman. To be loved was to be killed. So, he let her go.Ā
Oops!! Forgot to tag the two people I still have as moots after making this acc and weāre on my tag list: @chxrrywines @ryvkkr
Also, lmk if you wanna join the tag list!!
