19 Questions I Have For British People
1. What did you do to make Gordon Ramsay so angry? Rain
2. Why are you always eating eggs out of those little egg cups? What do you eat them out of?
3. Who let Piers Morgan happen? Satan
4. Why is your pudding so thick? Because that is the correct way to make it.
5. Where did you make Eddie Redmayne and why haven’t you made more of him? There are thousands of him running around the Home Counties.
6. Why do you insist on ruining all of your pies with meat? What? Are you having a breakdown, meat is the only acceptable filling for pie, what do you want cherries? Eurgh.
7. What are you always apologising for? Yes, sorry about that.
8. How many small humans does it take to operate the robot you call Queen? How dare you. Everyone knows she is a lizard. 9. What the fuck is a goddamn banger? A sausage/a great tune/a fuck, pick your favourite.
10. Why do you hate french fries? We don’t, they are our national dish but they are called chips
11. Where is the switch that deactivates Benedict Cumberbatch? Still searching.
12. Why are all of your old ladies secretly detectives? Because our old ladies are hard as nails.
13. Why will David Beckham never take his underwear off? He’d rather leave it to your imagination.
14. What is the quickest way to get to Hogsmeade from where I’m currently standing? Floo powder or port key, obviously.
15. Why the FUCK are you always wrapping your goddamn fish in newspaper? We don’t, it’s against the law due to health and safety restrictions from transferring the ink into food (bloody Brussels )
16. Why did you let the Spice Girls stop? Blame Ginger.
17. Where was the last Mary Poppins sighting and why haven’t you brought her back yet? Try Super Nanny she is almost the same.
18. Why do you keep ruining cookies by calling them biscuits? How very dare you.
19. Why won’t Tom Daley love me? He probably will, give him time. literallymatt