“Part of me shattered reading he’s in a relationship with someone new on Facebook. I was surprised. Then amused. Then my heart sank. I felt sick to my stomach. Looking at his new girl’s name suddenly reminded me of him, telling me every relationship he’s ever been in, and every woman he’s ever loved and cried to before. My name would the last one before hers.
I’m picturing him telling her the same stories. With an additional one I never got or will never get to hear. Would he say I’m a girl he loved or the girl who’s too young for him? I wondered if he’d reveal my imperfections and grudges I’m not even aware he felt about me– just like how he talked about the girl before me, and the girl before that.
It makes me sick that I’m now just one of his girls, one of his pasts. Just another name, another face. I wondered if he’d tell her he really loved me. I wondered if he really did. I wondered if he sends her the same songs he sent me and if the songs he sent me were songs he sent to his ex.
I wondered if I’m ever going to get over him, if I’d always mourn every new chapter of his life without me. I wondered if I’d mourn every time he’s with someone new, if my world would crumble again when he marries and every time he has a new child. A child not ours.
I wondered if he’s the only guy I’d always mourn, be broken about. I wondered if I’d always cry about the destiny we never had and if I’d die when he finally ceases to exist in this lifetime.
But as I scroll down his profile, relief washes over me. I thought of his mental illness and uncle and hysterical crying that one night and suddenly, despite of clenched fists and baffled cackle, I’m glad how he’s finally happy again. Even though I had to block him again four days later.”
•••
i wrote this last year when i was still broken over my ex. i think it’s both fascinating and awakening to see the division between my state then and my state now. it reminded me how easy it is to be consumed by only one feeling/pain that you can’t see outside of it. whatever pain you’re feeling right now, even if it seems endless and permanent, this is a reminder that it will pass. you will live.
