I wonder what was the thing that hurt little Severus the most, the attempted murder on him by one of his classmates or the fact that the Headmaster of his school forgave the transgressor and made him swear never to talk about it. To me he'll always be little Severus.
Once Harry had left, Severus decided he wasn't going to stay idle. He read a bit of Potions Quarterly, took some notes on the new developments of a potion he was following, then had a shower and brushed his hair. Despite being Boxing Day, he got dressed in his usual black attire.
Putting on his clothes was somewhat of a ritual to him. First the trousers, with buttons up to his ankle. Then the undershirt and the shirt, which he buttoned up to his neck, leaving only the collar open. He put the cravat on, making sure it hid the scar Nagini's bite had left on it. And finally, he put on his boots and his black frock coat, with buttons down to his waist and on his sleeves.
He was about to grab the usual black frock coat, but he was on break and it was Boxing Day. So, he ignored the black one and instead chose the dark blue one from the wardrobe. It was cold, so on top of that, he added a winter coat before he left his quarters.
Once he'd dressed he looked at himself in the mirror. He’d taken up that habit from Harry, to check himself at least once a day to see if he was presentable enough. Clean hair, buttoned-up coat, clean-shaven face. It seemed everything was in order.
Then, shaking his head, he strode out of his rooms towards the Great Hall. Lunch was about to begin, and he didn’t want to be late. When he walked into the Great Hall, the four house tables had been ditched and, instead, a round table was sitting in the middle of the Hall.
“Ah, Severus,” Minerva said with a smile from her seat “we were wondering whether you’d make an appearance today. No Harry?”
“No, he’s at the Weasley’s today” he answered as he sat down next to his colleague “where is everyone? And why is this table here?”
“There are so few of us, that Albus thought it would be better to have this table for everyone,” Minerva asked as she grabbed a bottle. "Wine?”
“Yes, please” Severus answered, picking up his glass and bringing it closer to her.
While Minerva was serving him wine, a couple of Hufflepuff’s entered the Great Hall. They didn't seem to be shocked at the round table but started to walk with slower steps. Their eyes fixed on their Professors, sitting so close to the rest of the seats.
“Good day, Joyce, Kellyn,” Minerva said to the two students, who sat down at the other side of the table, opposite them.
“Hello, Professor McGonagall. Professor Snape” said Joyce, Kellyn only nodded with her head, far too intimidated.
In other circumstances, Severus would’ve been happy for the students to be so unnerved by being in his presence. Now, though, he had to admit he didn’t enjoy that sort of attention as much as he did. Arousing respect was something he’d always wanted, and he’d commanded his students with fear. Now, it didn’t seem appealing anymore.
“I trust you had a pleasant Christmas day” he ventured to say to the two students.
Kellyn yelped in her seat, shocked. Joyce only looked at him with narrowed eyes as she nodded.
“We did, thank you, Professor. I hope you did too.”
Severus was saved from answering when a few more students walked into the Great Hall. They were followed by Hagrid, the Headmaster and Professor Sprout. That was the extent of the students and staff remaining at the castle, and Severus had to admit, it made the school eerie silent.
Everyone exchanged greetings and took their seats at the table. There was no headmaster chair at this table so Dumbledore didn't sit in the middle but he sat next to Severus, leaving him between himself and Minerva.
Soon enough, the food plates were filled with the most delicious of dishes, and Severus inhaled, closing his eyes with delight. The different smells were absolutely intoxicating, and he began to fill his plate with a bit of everything. He wasn’t really hungry, it hadn’t been that long since breakfast, but he wanted to try everything.
Lunch on Boxing Day was a slow affair. After the lunch and dinner of Christmas Day, most people were full and already sluggish, taking a lot longer in finishing each meal. Severus himself ate slowly, enjoying each dish. By the time he was on desserts, he was thoroughly stuffed.
If he was alone, he would wait until he was in his quarters to have some tea to help his digestion. As it was, however, he’d promised Harry he wouldn’t be alone and ‘sulking’, as he’d eloquently put it. So, he waited until most of the students had left the Great Hall to turn to the Headmaster.
“Albus?”
The man turned to his left, fixing his blue eyes on him.
“I was wondering if I could join you and Minerva for tea this afternoon” Severus whispered, not wanting the rest of the table to hear it.
Dumbledore only smiled, the twinkle in his eye giving him away. Blasted man, he always seemed to know everything!
“Well of course you can, Severus,” Dumbledore said, his smile widening as he looked behind him “I’m sure Minerva will also enjoy your company on this fine day."
Severus turned around to see Minerva next to him nodding, her lips twitching in a small smile. Severus nodded and finished his dessert, a bit less apprehensive now.
After finishing food and pleasantries, together they left the Great Hall and walked to the Headmaster's office. Stopping in front of the gargoyle, Dumbledore whispered the password Fizzing Whizzbees.
“Wouldn’t it be time to change your password, Albus?” Minerva asked as he followed the man, although her voice sounded amused “it’s the fourth time you’ve used that one!”
“Don’t be such a spoilsport, Minerva! It’s funny” Dumbledore said as he laughed, walking into the stairs and letting the gargoyle take them upstairs to his office. Severus only shook his head. The man’s humour one day was going to kill both of them.
Together they entered the office. But before any of them could sit on the chairs, Minerva had used her wand to transfigure them into comfortable plush armchairs.
“I refuse to spend my Boxing Day sitting on those uncomfortable chairs” she gave as an explanation while she shrugged.
Severus smirked and took his seat close to the fireplace, stretching his legs so his feet would warm up by the fire. Albus conjured a teapot and three cups and served them tea, each with their preferences. Severus with a splash of milk and a lump of sugar, Minerva with no milk or sugar.
“So, Severus. Tell us” she said as she took a sip of her scalding tea “how are things with Harry?”
“Good. They aren’t smooth exactly. But they’re good” he answered, sipping his own tea.
“Did you have a good Christmas?”
“Yes. We... played for a bit” he said, and saw Minerva nodding, understanding crossing her features “and we opened the presents. Which reminds me” he added, looking at both colleagues “thank you for your gifts. They were most thoughtful.”
“Ahhh it was only a little thing, Severus,” Minerva said with a soft smile “but I’m glad you liked it.”
“The scarf was of exquisite taste, and very pleasant to the touch,” Severus said “I’m sure I will use it quite a lot. As were the books, Albus, I’m sure they’ll be extremely interesting.”
“I wouldn’t put it past you to guess the ending before you even begin reading,” Albus said as he chuckled “but I hope you do enjoy them.”
“I have never read them, so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to guess,” Severus said, “for now we’re reading Bridge to Terabithia and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”
The conversation went on for a while. Minerva remembered something about those children books and asked Severus about them. Albus also had a bit of knowledge of muggle children literature, and the three engaged in a debate about books in general. Severus told them, in confidence, that Bridge to Terabithia was read when he wasn’t little because he enjoyed Harry reading to him. It felt like going full circle. Severus had read that book to Lily all those years ago, and now Harry was reading it to him.
“Well, I’m glad you worked it out between you, Severus,” Albus said after a while “I see now how wrong I was. For all my efforts in making you accept each other in the past, I could’ve never predicted this. You seem to be made for each other.”
“How come you aren’t at the Burrow with Harry? Lately you’ve been attached at the hip, I thought he’d convince Molly to invite you” asked Minerva.
“Oh, he tried” Severus answered, shaking his head “but I didn’t want to bother by imposing my presence on them...”
“So, you did want to go with him after all, just maybe with not all the Weasleys” Minerva said. Severus slowly nodded “why didn’t you tell him, Severus? I’m sure the Weasleys wouldn’t have minded at all...”
“That’s what Harry said... but I doubt it,” he said, his voice low. His curtain of black hair came to hide half his face “I know the looks they send me, and the comments... foul git, bat of the dungeons... I’ve heard them all.”
“They wouldn’t say that in front of you. Especially with Harry there too” Albus argued, “I’m certain he would make a big fuss if they did...”
“So am I. And that’s what I wanted to avoid...” Severus whispered, his voice trailing off.
He didn’t want Harry to get mad with the Weasleys on his account. Plus, he didn’t want to bother him. He’d spent enough time with him as it was, and he deserved to do things without him. Minerva herself had said it, they were attached at the hip. A bit of air would be good for both of them. Plus, it should be easy, shouldn’t it? After all, they did spend a few hours away from each other every day, teaching at opposite sides of the castle.
Then why did it feel so claustrophobic in here? Why did he feel like a part of his heart was missing without Harry? Why did he feel uneasy, out of his element in the company of the two other people who’d always trusted him and offered him their hand?
Why did he want to leave and hide, to wait by the fireplace until the flames turned green and Harry appeared in a swirl of soot and dust, coughing and smiling? What if he was coming back now, what if he was there, in their quarters, and...?
“Severus?” Minerva’s voice brought him back to reality.
He blinked several times, confusion written in his expression, in his furrowed brow.
“Are you alright, my boy?” Albus asked, concern filling his voice.
Severus closed his eyes, lowering his head, his shoulders hunched. He didn’t understand what was happening, but he felt a cold dread settle in his stomach and a pang of pain in his heart. It felt as though someone was stabbing him with a dagger. The warmth and comfort he’d felt that morning in Harry’s arms were gone, now he was cold, alone.
What was this? Why did he feel like this? He felt confused, his feelings and thoughts a jumble in his mind. He only knew he wanted that warmth back, he wanted the safety he felt in Harry’s arms, the comfort and calm he provided. He wanted the scent of ink and parchment to surround him, to intoxicate him and not let him detect any other smell.
Then, he felt the warmth of a hand on his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked to his left; Albus had got up from his seat and was hunching to be at his eye level. His blue eyes were looking at him through his half-moon shaped glasses, they were full of affection and worry.
“Why don’t you go, Severus?” he suggested
“I can’t go now,” he said, and hated when he heard his voice choked with emotion “what sort of person would I be if I interrupted their day, uninvited?”
“No one will mind, the Weasleys are affable people. They will understand” Minerva added, “what’s more, Harry would want to know if you need him...”
“I’m... I’m not so sure...” Severus whispered.
“What’s in your mind, my boy? Maybe we can help”
“I doubt...” he began, but then he shut up, shaking his head and gathering his thoughts. He started again “it’s just that... it seems too good to be true.”
“What do you mean?”
“Harry is... he’s the opposite of everything I’d always believed” Severus admitted, “he’s patient with me, understands my needs better than myself, is willing to go to lengths unimaginable... for me...”
“Well, of course, Severus. What did you expect?” Minerva said “we’d been telling you for years that Harry was not as you painted him to be. He’s nothing like his father.”
“No, I know that now” Severus continued “what he gives me... I have no words for it. I, on the other hand, have nothing to offer him...”
Both Minerva and Albus stayed silent, waiting for him to elaborate. But Severus didn’t have the language to do so, he barely understood it himself.
“What if... what if after this time together, after making all this effort... he leaves? What if he... does what everyone else did?”
Voicing his fear had taken extreme courage of Severus. He breathed hard, almost panting, and fixed his eyes on the dancing flames of the fireplace in front of him. He had had these thoughts many times, and every time he considered what they should do next, what their next step should be, his fears took control. He wanted Harry in his life, Merlin, he wanted him so bad. Not only for now, not only for this year... but always. He envisaged growing old with Harry, sitting on an armchair together, their feet close to the fireplace to get warm, sharing a blanket... but he would never forgive himself if he forced him to stay, even if it was done unconsciously.
“Why do you think Harry would leave?”
“Because... Albus, what can I offer him?” Severus said. He opened his arms in frustration as if he himself was evidence enough. “I’m old, ugly, snarky, and now a clingy and needy boy as well. It’s all fine for now, but what can I possibly offer that he wants? What can I give him, long term, to such a young and capable man?”
He took a ragged breath, letting it out slowly. He felt a lump in his throat and he gulped, trying to go past it.
“I’m just cutting his wings, that’s all... he will realize later on what a waste of time this was...”
Minerva sighed, her lips drawing a sad, sympathetic smile Severus had seen often.
“Have you voiced these concerns with him?”
Severus shook his head no.
“He’s promised he won’t leave. He’s told me he wants to stay, and that may be true for now... but what about later on?”
Then Minerva got up too and walked to Severus, her steps as silent as a cat’s, and hunched beside him. She placed one of her hands on the armrest for support, while the other placed itself on his knee.
“I can’t answer for Harry himself, Severus. But I think you know that he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t want to” she answered. “I saw him a few times after the war, and he was adrift, without a real sense of purpose or direction. The way he is now... I hadn't seen him so focused, so happy in many years. Perhaps what you have with him is precisely what he needs. Maybe, having a friendship with you is exactly what he was missing in his life.”
All of a sudden, Severus remembered. At the graveyard at Godric’s Hollow, those had been Harry’s exact words. Could that really be true? Could Severus Snape, a former Death Eater who’d spent his years terrorizing the kid while he was in school, be what Harry wanted and needed in his life?
“I’m... not sure...” Severus admitted “I’m not...” his voice trailed off, unsure of what to say.
“You are confused, and in need of reassurance” Albus whispered, looking at him through worried blue eyes. Then, the hand that had been on his shoulder squeezed “go to him, Severus. He’ll be there for you, you know that. He won’t turn you away.”
Severus’s hands went towards his chest, touching the small ampulla he was wearing over his clothes. He could do it. He could only touch it with his finger, and Harry would appear to him immediately, no questions asked. He could summon him on a whim, he had him at the tip of his fingertips.
But could he do that? Could he make him leave, when he hadn’t seen the Weasleys in a long time; when he hadn’t seen his friends in weeks? No, Severus could never do that
There was only one option.
“You’re right” he whispered as he abruptly got up from the armchair, his cloak billowing with his sudden movement. The urge in his chest was too much, he needed Harry’s presence to calm down. He even felt his fingers itching to move incessantly, clenching and unclenching in fists.
“Good choice” Albus answered as he nodded, his eyes twinkling and a small smile under his white beard.
“You’ll see it’s the best you could do,” Minerva said as she nodded “give the Weasleys our regards, will you?”
“I will,” he said as he walked towards the wooden door. Then, before he left, he turned around.
Both Albus and Minerva were standing as they looked at him. He smiled as he gave them a slight bow with his head.
“Thank you. Both of you” he said before he opened the door and left.
His feet took him to the Front Door of the castle in less time than he’d imagined. Right as he was about to cross it, he remembered something. He couldn’t drop unannounced and uninvited at somebody’s house without, at least, some sort of gift.
He took his wand out, and looking left and right to make sure nobody was seeing him, he summoned a bottle of Firewhisky from his personal store. He wouldn’t be drinking it anyway.
With the bottle securely in his inside robes, he walked outside, trudging through the snow towards the Front Gates. It was cold and windy, and he felt his cheeks starting to go numb, now he knew why Harry had decided to floo to the Burrow. But still, he kept walking, until he crossed the Front Gates. He closed his eyes and focused.
When he opened them again, he saw the Burrow.
The wind outside Ottery St Catchpole was cold but not as cold as in Scotland. And there was no snow, which Severus was thankful for. He felt his long coat and trousers cold and wet, and before he took another step he cast a drying and heating charm to them.
Then he looked up, his eyes fixed on the house, and he couldn’t keep his lips from smirking. It suited the eccentric and eclectic Weasley family to a T.
The base of the building was an old stone pigpen, which had surely been made bigger and had several crooked stories attached to it. Several lights were coming through the windows, so Severus knew the family was still inside. Four or five chimneys dotted the roof, and the building seemed about to collapse any minute; only magic preventing it from doing so.
He gulped and tried to calm his racing heartbeat, he could feel it pulsating on his temple. But the need in his chest was far worse, so he took another step towards the house.
It was only the Weasleys, Severus had faced much, much worse in his life. He’d faced the Dark Lord and survived, for crying out loud! And yet, he feared them. He feared rejection, he feared ridicule in front of everyone... but mostly he feared Harry. His cold eyes, smiling cruelly from where he stood, his wand pointing at him...
NO!
Harry was not James!
Harry would never do that. His Harry would never hurt him in public, would never humiliate him or treat him like dirt. No, he would protect him... he would make it better.
Severus shook his head and, without giving himself time to think it twice, he knocked at the door, his heart beating like mad with trepidation. The seconds it took for someone to open it were eternal, and at the same time, the shortest in Severus’s life. He tried to school his features, trying to occlude and go past his inner turmoil.
When the door opened and revealed Mrs Weasley, Severus’s heart stopped momentarily. This was it, no turning back now.
Mrs Weasley’s eyes widened at seeing him.
“Severus?” she asked, and then looked behind him as if to make sure he was alone “is everything okay?”
“Hello, Mrs Weasley” he answered with a slight bow of his head.
“Molly” she corrected him almost automatically “come on, come in, it’s cold outside. What are you doing here?”
“Apologies, I didn’t want to intrude” Severus answered, taking a few steps in and allowing her to close the door “I was wondering if Potter was still here...”
“He is, he’s with Ron and Hermione upstairs” she answered “shall I get him?”
“Yes, please, if you don't mind" Severus answered, but before she ran upstairs he continued “I didn’t want to bother you uninvited, so I brought this. To apologise.”
He handed her the bottle he’d brought with him. Ogden’s Old Firewhisky, the best of the best.
“Oh, Severus, you didn’t have to” Molly answered, taking the bottle in her hands with a smile “but thank you very much. Come in, most people have dispersed, but make yourself comfortable while I go and -”
“Professor?” came a younger voice, interrupting Molly.
“Mr Weasley” Severus greeted as he saw the muscular, red-haired man behind his mother.
“Oh Charlie, great” Molly said as she turned around and made for the stairs “stay with Severus and put the kettle on, please. I’ll go get Harry.”
Molly walked up the stairs and disappeared, leaving Severus and Charlie alone in the living room.
Severus avoided his gaze, he didn’t want to feel more of an idiot than he already felt. He focused on his breathing, keeping his expression neutral and unreadable. He was feeling foolish enough as it was, suddenly standing in the Weasley’s living room, feeling like he was intruding. If only he had accepted Harry’s offer to suggest inviting him to Molly, if only...
“I’m glad to see you, Professor. Is everything okay?” Charlie asked, taking a few steps towards the man “do you need anything?”
Severus shook his head, still keeping his gaze down.
“I merely wanted to... speak with Potter. Nothing out of the ordinary” he said and hated his voice didn’t sound commanding as it had always been.
Charlie didn’t answer, and Severus fought the urge to clench his hands in fists. He hated when he said something and people didn’t react. What was Charlie thinking? Was he...?
“It’s okay, you know. To admit you miss him” Charlie’s voice said in a whisper.
Then, he took another step forward, standing close to Severus but not so close that he felt his personal space being invaded.
Severus lifted his gaze, confused.
“He’s told us you’re friends, and it’s obvious how much he cares about you. You should’ve heard him, he couldn’t stop praising you” Charlie said with a wide smile. “It’s okay to admit you miss him and care about him too. It’s what friends do, after all.”
Friend... he missed his friend. That’s what it was.
He realized then what had happened, the fog in his mind lifting as Charlie’s words gave sense to his jumbled feelings.
He had felt Harry’s absence acutely while conversing with Albus and Minerva, and what had made it worse was that they didn’t stop talking about him. He hadn’t understood it at the time, but it made perfect sense now. Harry hadn’t been near him, he’d been miles away, and he’d felt lonely and adrift without him. He was missing him, terribly in fact.
“I... I hadn’t felt this in a long time... maybe ever” Severus admitted, and he had no idea why he’d said that. Words had spilled out of his mouth without permission.
Charlie’s smile turned fonder, and he nodded.
“Well, I’m glad you found a friend in Harry, sir” he answered with a soft voice “his loyalty can even rival yours.”
He said that with a small giggle, and Severus looked at him to see he was winking at him.
And just like that, he felt his shoulders relax a bit. The corners of his lips tugged upwards and he nodded.
“Severus?”
Severus turned around, recognizing that voice as Harry’s.
And there he was, impressive as always with his suit and tie, and his emerald green eyes. They were watching him, narrowed.
The young man took a few steps towards Severus, and he realized he tried to block the rest of the family from seeing him. Severus’s heart warmed and felt a lump in his throat, how could he have ever confused Harry with his father? He would never throw him to the wolves. In fact, at this very moment, he was protecting him even in front of his adopted family.
“What’s wrong?” he whispered, taking one last step and standing in front of him.
“Don’t worry, I’m fine” Severus rushed to say, sensing his concern and worry almost coming off in waves “nothing happened.”
“Then what...?”
Severus shook his head, gulping. His hand went to his chest, where he was wearing the ampulla Harry had gifted him. He saw Harry's eyes following his fingers, fixing his gaze on his chest. And then, one of his hands sneaked through his buttons and with a single finger he touched the cold metal of the ampulla.
He didn’t see out of the ordinary in Harry, but he saw his breath hitching and his eyes widening.
“I just... I was with Albus and Minerva, and...” he stopped and gulped, still caressing the ampulla “I just...”
He fell silent, the words dying in his mouth, incapable of voicing them.
But Harry understood. He took just another step, stepping into his personal space. The smell of ink and parchment surrounded him, and Severus closed his eyes momentarily, his resolve almost faltering. Merlin, how much he’d missed that smell!
“It’s alright” Harry whispered in a soothing voice, and it sounded like a balm to Severus “I’m here, Severus. I didn’t leave.”
Severus saw Harry glancing behind him, making sure everyone was pretending to not look at them, and then he felt a small, warm hand encircling his.
“It’s okay, separation anxiety is quite common at this stage” Harry whispered “but we’re fine. Do you want to go home?”
Severus dared to steal a glance at Harry. He saw his worry in the way his eyes grew huge and glistened, in the way his breath sounded a bit more elaborate. And Severus felt incredibly appreciated, that he was willing to leave the Weasley’s and their company just because he was missing him.
But no, that wasn’t fair to Harry. He’d done so much for him, that he deserved to spend a day with his friends. Besides, going to Hogwarts was not what Severus himself wanted.
“No, we don’t have to do that” Severus said.
Then, he cleared his throat and lifted his gaze, looking behind him. Molly and Charlie had taken a few steps back to give them privacy. A bit further away Severus could distinguish Hermione Weasley’s brown, wild hair. He couldn’t clearly see him, but the red-haired man next to her must’ve been Ronald Weasley. They were keeping their distance too, and everyone was speaking in low tones both to respect their privacy and to not disturb them. He was incredibly thankful for that.
“If they don’t mind my intrusion, I wonder if we could abuse the Weasley’s hospitality a bit more. I don’t want to keep you from them” he said in a louder voice, so they could all hear him.
“We have tea and pastries for everyone, including you, Severus. You are always welcome here” Molly answered at his words.
Arthur Weasley, who’d come from the shed not long after Charlie, walked towards him. Severus looked at him through narrowed eyes, not knowing what he was doing, until he stood in front of him and offered his hand.
“Severus,” he said with an affable smile “I hope you had a great Christmas.”
Severus smiled, a bit surprised, and shook his hand. It felt warm and he had a strong, firm grip.
“I did, thank you, Arthur” he answered with a nod “I trust you did the same.”
“We did, thank you.”
“Hello, Professor. Nice to see you” said a feminine voice, and when Severus looked up, he saw Hermione smiling at him.
He felt his heart jump in his chest. He looked from Ron to Hermione, both having taken a few steps to stand behind Harry and looking at him with a warm expression in their eyes.
They knew from Harry himself that they were friends, that their relationship went deeper than mere colleagues. And yet, they were standing there, smiling. Their faces spoke of acceptance, their eyes were not hostile, not even Ron's. Severus gulped and nodded, feeling warmth bubbling in his chest.
“Nice to see you too, Ms Weasley. Mr Weasley” he answered.
Then, the warm hand that had been grabbing his began to tug at him. He looked to his right and saw Harry smiling at him, his eyes still glistening. He pulled him a bit further into the living room, and he let himself be guided towards the sofa, sitting in a corner. Harry sat next to him, so close that their legs were pressed against each other.
The rest began to sit down around them, Hermione on the other side of Harry. The rest of the Weasleys sat on sofas and armchairs around them, Charlie Weasley took up the armchair to Severus’s left.
Once everyone was seated Molly levitated the kettle and poured tea for everyone, passing along the cups. Severus was silent, still too anxious inside to say a single word for fear of messing it up.
However, his eyes danced around the sea of red hairs, freckles and blue eyes, and not once did he see any judgemental or reproachful look. They seemed to be a bit tense though, the younger ones particularly, but it was to be expected. The only ones who seemed to be at ease were Charlie and Harry himself, who beamed at him, serving the tea to his taste before passing the cup to him.
“This reminds me... I have something for you, sir” Charlie said with a mischievous smirk before he disappeared into the kitchen.
A few seconds later, the smell hit him before anything else.
He closed his eyes and felt his heart stop for a second. His mind transported him to years and years ago when the kitchen as Spinner’s End would be filled with the smell of cinnamon and dirigible plums.
Severus looked at Charlie, he didn't have to look at the small plate in his hands to know what it was.
Holiday Blancmange.
He blinked and bit his lower lip, feeling a lump in his throat.
“You... remembered?” and he heard his voice falter.
Charlie only smiled, placing the plate in his hands as he sat down close to him.
“Always, sir. Besides, it’s Boxing Day. It’s only fitting” Charlie said with a smile “I hope you like it.”
Severus only nodded, unable to say anything else, his mouth dry, he felt overwhelmed. He only nodded, blinking repeatedly.
When he looked back at Charlie, he saw his wide smile. His expression was like an open book, and he could see how delighted he was.
His big hand landed on Severus’s shoulder and he felt him squeeze, visibly happy. Severus looked down at the dessert in his lap and breathed in, deeply, letting the scents of dirigible plums and cinnamon fill his sense of smell.
He could feel Harry’s leg pressed against him, his warm eyes on him. Charlie’s chocolate brown eyes were also looking at him, as were the rest of the Weasley’s.
He took the first bite of the Holiday Blancmange, and he had to close his eyes and take a deep breath. It tasted like a warm embrace, hot cocoa on a winter snowy night, reading a book by the fire. It tasted like affection, friendship, love.
It tasted like family.
“If my memory serves me, this is the best Blancmange I’ve ever eaten” he whispered after that first bite that tasted like heaven itself on earth. He saw Charlie’s smile widening “I appreciate it, Charlie. Truly" and his voice sounded as heartfelt as he himself felt.
“Anytime, sir” the young man answered with a smile.
“Severus" he corrected him “I’m not your Professor anymore, I haven’t been for quite a while. I think we’ve passed that stage of titles.”
He looked to the rest of the Weasleys, he saw some of them nodding their approval.
And, just like that, the lingering tension that had been floating in the air seemed to disappear. In fact, he could’ve sworn he’d seen Hermione discreetly wiping his eyes with her sleeve. Molly was looking at him with a soft, affectionate smile on her face. His eyes travelled through all the family, he locked gazes with Arthur, and the older Weasley nodded his head. He felt something lighter in his chest as he did so.
Charlie nodded his head at Severus’s words and smiled, squeezing his shoulder once more before he let go.
"Severus, then," he said, and his smile had never been so wide.
The Slytherin looked at him and then to Harry, whose smile was so open, so affectionate, that Severus had trouble swallowing.
“I never knew about this” Harry whispered to his ear “but I’m glad he made this for you. As you can see, they also care about you.”
“So it seems” Severus answered in the same hushed tone, while a smile danced on his lips.
Without thinking he filled another spoonful and offered it to Harry, who captured it between his lips. Severus could see in his expression the moment the taste of cinnamon and dirigible plums mixed in his mouth, the moment the explosion of the sweet and slightly spicy flavour of the cinnamon hit his senses.
“Mmmm wonderful,” he said as he swallowed. Severus only smiled as he nodded.
It didn’t take long for conversations to ensue, and Severus felt himself becoming calmer and more relaxed, his heart calming its mad beating. He spoke with Charlie and Arthur, while Harry himself was speaking to his friends and Ginny about Quidditch. All the while, he could feel Harry’s leg pressed against his.
At one point, one of Harry’s hands travelled to his leg to call his attention to ask him about the Hogwarts Quidditch season. When Severus answered and he turned back to his own conversation, the Potions Master noticed Harry’s hand was still on his leg. But he didn’t have the strength nor the desire to pull away.
For years he’d shied away from public displays of affection, but now... now he felt appreciated. Harry was telling everyone that Severus was his, that he was in his life, and had no reason to hide the fact from anyone. Least of all, his family. He felt lighter, Harry’s company among the Weasleys warming something in him he didn’t know he still had. Was this what people felt when they were amongst family? He sincerely hoped so, because he didn’t want that feeling to be over.
The afternoon elapsed quickly, and before none of them knew it, it was already quite dark and time to go back to Hogwarts.
“Mrs Weasley, thank you for the amazing food and company,” Harry said as he put on his coat.
“It was a pleasure, my dear” she answered, pulling him into a hug “please, drop by sooner, we miss you!”
“I will” he answered with a smile.
“And Severus, do come by whenever you feel like it,” she said, turning to him “you are always welcome here.”
“Thank you, Molly. I appreciate it” Severus said putting on his coat, still a bit overwhelmed by how much acceptance he’d found.
“It’s been great to see you, Severus,” Charlie said as he offered his hand to him. The Potions Master shook it, and he felt warmth spreading through his arm when Charlie’s other hand went to his forearm, squeezing. “I hope we can see each other more often.”
“I hope that too” Severus answered “and thank you for the dessert. It was truly delightful, and I appreciate the thought you put into it.”
They all exchanged greetings and promises to see each other soon until only Ron and Hermione remained.
“Let’s walk to the apparition wards, shall we?” suggested Ron, and Hermione nodded and started to walk beside him.
Severus looked at Harry with a raised eyebrow, who only shrugged before following his friend. Once outside Harry closed the door and walked in sync with Severus, a few paces behind Ron and Hermione.
“Right, you,” Ron said when they were sufficiently away from the house so nobody could hear them “I’m counting on you to drag Harry here, even if you have to pull him from his ears, to...”
“What Ronald means” Hermione interrupted with a nervous smile “is that he had a good time with you, Professor, and wants to see you again soon.”
“I’m glad, Mr Weasley” Severus said with a mischievous smile “and I will endeavour to bring Harry back here as soon as possible. I apologize for keeping him away.”
“Hey, the last times I couldn’t meet you because I had work to do” Harry protested “it wasn’t because of Severus.”
“Yeah, and we know what a terrible liar you are. Just... don’t let it be so long, okay?” Ron said, then he turned to Severus “and sir...”
“Severus” he amended.
“Severus” Ron corrected himself, and Severus saw his expression; as if he was tasting how his name sounded in his lips. He went on “I know I am late, but for what it’s worth, I am sorry for everything I said in the past. While I do think you deserved some of it, I can see now there’s more to you than what you showed.”
The other three people stared at Ron, wide-eyed, most of all Severus. He took a deep breath, feeling his lungs cold as he inhaled the freezing air of the winter evening.
“I agree with your judgement, Mr Weasley, my behaviour was appalling and I did deserve your treatment” Severus answered. “Nevertheless, I am thankful for your apology. And I too am sorry for what I did and said in the past.”
“Let’s start again, shall we?” he asked with a nervous smile “I can’t promise I’ll be nice all the time, and if you hurt Harry you’ll have to deal with me” he added with a hint of warning. “But I can see now how important he is to you. And Harry, I now understand what you mean when you say this is what you need.”
Harry only nodded, still mystified by his friend’s mature reaction. He, however, didn’t speak. While he was close to Severus, ready to jump if any of them attacked him, he seemed to know his friends enough to let them speak their minds freely.
“I assure you, Mr Weasley, hurting Harry is the last thing I want” Severus said.
“Ron” he said “if we’re going to start using first names, that’s mine. Use it. There are too many Mr Weasleys in the family already.”
Severus felt his lips tugging into a smile.
Then, Ron took a step forward and offered his hand. Severus accepted his offer and shook his hand, it felt as strong and warm as his father’s.
“Thank you, Ron” Severus whispered as he gave a last shake and let go of his hand.
“I think we all did things we regret” Hermione interjected, still shocked at her husband’s words but with a small smile, looking at Severus in the eye. “I am sorry too if I ever said something that hurt you, we were truly blind. But we can all now look to the future.”
Severus stayed silent, looking up into the darkened sky. It was clear of clouds. Far out in the country where the Burrow was, he could see the stars as clearly as if he was looking from the astronomy tower of Hogwarts. He sighed.
“The future can sometimes be bleak or mystifying” Severus answered in a whisper.
“Not this. Not us” Harry's voice came.
Then, Severus felt Harry’s small and warm hand clutching his and squeezing tight. His other hand grabbed Hermione’s, who grabbed Ron’s. Together, the four of them looked into each other’s eyes. Severus felt his emerald green eyes on him, as well as Ron and Hermione's, who were standing in a semi-circle, very close to them.
“I know for a fact that this is what I want in my future,” he said “all of you. Together.”
Severus, at a loss for words, returned the squeeze in his hand in silence. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, Ron and Hermione nodding with smiles on their faces.
“Let’s go home” Harry whispered to him when he let go of his friend’s hand, but he kept a grip on his “see you soon, guys.”
“See you soon, Harry. Severus” Hermione said, Ron waved with his hand.
“Goodbye, Ron. Hermione” Severus said before they disapparated in a swirl of black and the silhouette of the Burrow disappeared into the night.
When he opened his eyes again, he saw the silhouette of Hogwarts castle illuminated in the darkened winter night. The grounds and roofs of the building were covered in snow, and they started to walk their way back into the castle. Despite the cold, Severus felt a lot warmer inside than hours before.
As they walked, Severus realized Harry had yet to let go of his hand. He didn’t say a word, supposing he would let go of him by the time they would get into the castle. However, once inside the safety and warmth of the castle - at least in contrast to the freezing wind outside - Harry didn’t let go. Together they started the descent towards the dungeons, holding hands.
It was a small gesture, Severus knew. But from his standpoint, that gesture spoke volumes. Harry was saying to whoever saw them, to whoever dared to challenge or ridicule them, that he and Severus were united in one single front. They were walking hand in hand, and showing the world that they were, indeed, together. Severus’s heart was ready to explode with warmth, the small gesture speaking more about Harry than any of his words had done before.
As soon as they arrived at their quarters and got inside, Harry wordlessly got rid of Severus’s winter coat and jacket, and his own coat, jacket and tie. They stood in their living room, Harry only clad in trousers and his crisp white shirt. The two first buttons were undone, and Severus gulped, being able to make out his muscled and toned chest. How had this scrawny and short boy become such a handsome young man? Severus had no answers.
Then, in a sudden movement, Harry’s arms engulfed him in a fierce hug, he felt his body being pulled against his.
“Harry?” he asked, somewhat worried about his sudden action.
“I just... I’ve wanted to do this for hours” Harry admitted to his chest.
“I’m-I’m not sure I’m following” Severus whispered.
“You came,” Harry said simply. “I didn’t want to celebrate without you, and while I was having fun, a part of me had wanted to come and get you. You’ve become so important in my life, Severus...”
The Potions Master nodded, his arms coming to rest on Harry’s back and pulling him closer.
“I know it’s ridiculous, but the moment I saw you there... at first I got worried, but after confirming you were okay...” Harry shook his head momentarily “I can’t describe the happiness I felt.”
“You were... happy I’d come?”
Harry then pulled away a bit, enough to lock his gaze with him.
“Of course I was, Severus,” he said, smiling, as he reached and placed a small kiss on the tip of his crooked nose “I always am.”
Severus, still surprised, only nodded.
“I wasn’t going to. I was resolved in letting you spend some well-deserved time with the Weasleys. But then, Albus and Minerva started to ask about you, and...” Severus’s voice trailed off, he still didn’t know how to explain himself. The way he’d felt lost and adrift without Harry, the need he’d felt of safety and comfort near him, had been almost impossible to bear. But he had no words to describe it.
“It’s alright, I imagined it could happen. We’ve been together all the time lately, we aren’t used to being away for so long” Harry answered. “But it’s okay. You did well in coming to find me.”
“I hope I didn’t bother them too much,” Severus said “I didn’t want to intrude...”
“You didn’t. And as you saw, they accepted you. All of them” Harry said “especially Charlie. I think he has a soft spot for you.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Severus said. Charlie Weasley, a soft spot for him? Ha! But he had to admit, the thought of cooking some Holiday Blancmange for him had taken him by surprise. As it had taken him by surprise the first time, about twenty years ago.
They stood there, holding each other, for a long time. Harry had started to sway them side to side, and Severus started to feel his eyelids heavy.
“Let’s go to bed, yeah?” the young man whispered, Severus only nodded.
Together they walked to their bedroom and changed into nightclothes. Then, their arms wrapped around each other automatically. Harry pressed himself against Severus, and he could feel the young man’s warmth close to his. If he closed his eyes he could almost swear he could also hear his strong, steady heartbeat.
“Thank you for coming, Severus” Harry whispered. He rested his forehead against his and exhaled softly, their breaths mixing in the minimal space between them. “You have no idea how much it meant to me. Now I can say I am completely, utterly happy.”
“Merlin, you can be sappy when you want to” Severus scoffed, but he was astonished at Harry’s confession.
“Oh, you don’t even know half of it” he answered with a giggle, Severus smiled.
Together, wrapped up in each other’s arms, it didn't take long for them to fall asleep.
Severus nodded and shifted a bit closer to Harry, so he had better access to his hair. It took only a few minutes for Severus to rest his side against Harry’s, breathing slowly, almost purring. Harry smiled as he kept his ministrations on his hair, enjoying the calm and peace of their quarters.
“Will you wait for me?”
It had been months, but every Tuesday Severus asked that same question. And every Tuesday, Harry gave the same answer.
“Yes, I’ll be waiting for you.”
Harry knew Severus needed to make sure he wouldn’t disappear into the night, he knew he was trying to keep his separation anxiety under control. Knowing Harry would be waiting for him made it easier to focus on the meeting ahead.
The last days of December went by in the blink of an eye, and too quickly for Harry’s taste, the students were back from their winter holidays. The castle reverted to having the ruckus it always had, the corridors full of excited students after being away for a few days. Friends meeting again, couples that were hugging and smooching after spending time with their families... Harry knew all about it, after being with his friends every day for the past months, it was unnerving to suddenly be with your family.
And he couldn’t lie to himself. As much as he liked having the entire castle almost to himself during holidays, he also missed the hustle and bustle of school life. Hogwarts was far too big and too empty without students around. He smiled when at the welcoming feast after the holidays, he could see the pupils again in the Great Hall, the tables back in the usual position.
Severus’s birthday had been a regular weekday, so they hadn’t been able to spend much time together until the evening. But Harry had made sure to take some time to bake Severus’s favourite roast chicken for dinner. A happy chance had placed detention right after Severus's last class, so Harry had had time to prepare everything and get it ready for his return.
Besides, at this point, it was common knowledge that they ate together some meals away from the Great Hall. Therefore, nobody batted an eye when they didn’t make an appearance for dinner. Even less so Minerva, Dumbledore and Hagrid, the only ones who knew Severus’s birthday date.
Harry still remembered Severus’s wide eyes and shocked expression when he entered his living quarters and the smell of roast chicken hit his nostrils.
"What's all this?" came his voice from the threshold, still with the door open. Harry only gave him a wide smile.
“Happy birthday, Severus” Harry had said from the kitchenette, clad in one of Severus’s aprons.
His hands smelled strongly of onion and garlic, his hair was a mess and his clothes were wrinkled from spending all day up and down the castle corridors. Yet, nothing mattered when Severus seemed to react, crossed the living room in two strides and engulfed him in an emotional hug.
“Thank you...” he'd whispered, resting his head on Harry’s shoulder and letting his hair cover half of his face. His voice was choked with emotion, and Harry had answered the hug immediately, happy that his surprise was of Severus's liking.
After that, the month seemed to fly by, week by week, stressful as it had always been.
One evening in late January, Harry was in his and Severus’s rooms in the dungeons after dinner. He was on the sofa, a blanket on top of his legs, and was grading some 4th-year papers when he heard the door opening. He looked up the moment a swirl of black crossed the threshold, and he smiled.
“Hello,” he said from his spot on the sofa.
Severus focused on him, not having realized he was there in the first place. For a split second, Harry saw his brow furrowing and his eyes hardening, his hand twitching close to his inner pocket, where Harry knew he had his wand. Old habits die hard, he guessed.
“Excuse me, I hadn’t seen you” he answered as he took off his robes and walked towards the sofa “what are you doing here so early?”
“I had a few things to correct and thought I could wait for you here” Harry answered as Severus sat down, slowly and elegantly, next to him. Harry curled up his legs under him to give him a bit more space “how are you?”
Severus only sighed, taking a deep breath in and exhaling slowly.
“Tuesdays are exhausting” he muttered, and Harry saw him closing his eyes momentarily “I’m so tired, and I still have the Head of Houses meeting in a bit...”
“Let’s hope Minerva makes a quick job of it” Harry whispered as one of his hands travelled to his cheek “you look like you could use some sleep today...”
“I can’t, I have the potion I’ve been trying to improve. I left it in stasis to let it simmer but I need to check it” Severus said, running a hand through his black hair.
“Severus... are you sure you need to have all these responsibilities? You’re taking up too much work, one day you’ll explode” Harry whispered.
“There’s nobody else” Severus retorted. “I won’t leave my Slytherins to another less capable teacher, and I’m the only one in the castle who can make the type of potions I make.”
“What about Slughorn? He was a Potions Master and taught for years, maybe he could help in your brewings?”
“Slughorn is enjoying his retirement, as he should” Severus stated, then he shook his head “I’m fine, I’ve had much worse. January is always hard... right now a student was feeling homesick.”
“Oh, poor dear... what happened?”
“The Head Boy came to find me when I was coming here and took me to the common room. She had just had a baby brother during the holidays and hated being away from them. And I guess failing the Herbology exam didn’t help in her emotional state” Severus said.
Then he sighed again, letting his head fall back on the sofa and closing his eyes.
“I wish I had more words of comfort for her” Severus whispered, his voice regretful “but I had few. I told her to focus on her studies to make her brother proud, gave her peppermint tea, accompanied her to bed and tucked her in. She fell asleep in seconds.”
“How old is she?”
“Second year. A mere child” Severus said “sometimes I agree with Albus. We sort too soon, and perhaps we start school too soon as well...”
Harry hated seeing Severus so affected. In his years as a student, he had seen him being favourable, sometimes alarmingly so, towards his own House. But now he saw Severus’s actions for what they were, he was protecting each and every one of his snakes. Perhaps not in the best way possible when it came to house points, but he had the best intentions at heart.
He’d seen how worried he was at the beginning of each term. How he made sure the younger ones had some form of structured schedule - from study sessions to set bedtimes. The only ones who were exempt from following his rules were sixth and seven years. But even then, Harry had smiled when Severus told him they normally kept the schedule, being used to it after five years.
The way Severus looked after his Slytherins made Harry feel a bit ashamed of his own Head of House. Minerva had never looked after them in the same way Severus did. She had never made sure they had regular sleep patterns or ate healthy meals, or that they had study sessions. Harry himself had been lucky to have Hermione, otherwise, his grades would've been even worse.
And Harry was sure Minerva had never known when there were fights amongst them. In fact, she didn't seem to know the extent to which he'd been ostracized by his own House in his second and fourth year.
That would’ve never happened in Slytherin. If there was a problem with one or several students, Severus was made aware of the problem. Then, he went to the common room to act as a mediator and have a chat with them, until the issue was sorted out. And it was always kept in the common room. No hard feelings were shown amongst the Slytherin House outside the dungeons; in front of the student body, they were one.
Severus was doing a great job as a Head of House, but sometimes, he needed to hear it too.
“Don’t worry, Sev,” Harry said, his hand travelling to his hair and playing with the strands. "She’ll be fine, the other girls will make sure she’s accompanied and will let her cry if she needs to. Besides, I'd bet she loved the fact that you tucked her in” he added in a jokingly manner.
Harry had never realized how much of a mother hen Severus could really be with the younger students, he had never seen it before they became friends. But now he knew this wasn’t the first student he had tucked in bed, and she wasn’t the first to draw comfort from him or dry her tears into his clean handkerchief.
“I hope so” Severus whispered, “I may have to write to the parents if she doesn’t get better in a few days.”
“She will be. She just misses them” Harry added. Then he leaned down and pressed a kiss on Severus’s cheek “it’s alright Sev, you’re great as Head of House and I’m sure what you did will make her feel better. Now let her rest and see how she’s doing in the morning.”
Severus nodded and shifted a bit closer to Harry, so he had better access to his hair. It took only a few minutes for Severus to rest his side against Harry’s, breathing slowly, almost purring. Harry smiled as he kept his ministrations on his hair, enjoying the calm and peace of their quarters.
“Will you wait for me?”
It had been months, but every Tuesday Severus asked that same question. And every Tuesday, Harry gave the same answer.
“Yes, I’ll be waiting for you.”
Harry knew Severus needed to make sure he wouldn’t disappear into the night, he knew he was trying to keep his separation anxiety under control. Knowing Harry would be waiting for him made it easier to focus on the meeting ahead.
But it also warmed Harry’s heart, the way Severus always asked. Consent had been important for both of them since the start of their relationship. Harry had realized early on that his voice had been suffocated, silenced; never being able to decide what he wanted for himself. Harry had set to right the wrongs and had always made sure to take Severus’s wants into account. And the Potions Master had responded in kindness, always asking and making sure Harry was doing exactly what he wanted to.
Severus burrowed his face on Harry’s neck, inhaling deeply for several moments. Harry held him, he seemed to be drawing strength from him, until he suddenly moved away. With a deep breath he ran a hand through his hair, trying to make it a bit tidy. Then he looked to his right, where Harry was observing him.
“I’ll see you later” Harry whispered before he reached and kissed Severus’s cheek. He felt him smiling, the skin of his cheek tugging upwards under his lips.
“I’ll be back soon, I hope” and then, he was off.
Harry tried to not feel like the rooms were a lot colder and quieter without Severus in them and focused back on the papers he’d brought to grade. Tuesday nights were always lonely, but knowing they had a staff meeting the morning after, he tried to go to bed extra early. So, after about half an hour, he left the papers on the coffee table along with his quill and red ink and walked to the bathroom to prepare for bed.
The archway was next to him. He could hear the voices speaking, whispering, they sounded just like a siren’s call, trying to distract him from his task. He looked away one second, and...
AVADA KEDAVRA!
He saw him flinch, and the next second, he was on the other side of the archway. He could see his eyes, brown and wide still for the surprise, his mouth held in an O before his body was taken away. He had disappeared, to a place Harry couldn’t follow. He tried to jump, to go after him, but he felt his arms restrained.
“NOOOOOOO SIRIUS!!”
He woke up with a jolt, not aware of where he was. Everything was dark, and he heard his own panting in the silence of the room. He felt the mad beating of his own heart ringing in his ears, his vision blurry even if he could barely see because of the darkness.
“Harry?”
There came a voice next to him, he wasn’t alone. Then, a murmured voice cast a charm and the room gained light. He blinked, trying to swallow and get rid of the lump in his throat. He felt his hands violently shaking and closed them in fists, fighting against the urge to bring them to his mouth and bite them.
His chest hurt, and he felt an acute pain he could not describe. It had been a long time, but suddenly, he felt like that lost 15-year-old boy who’d lost his godfather and the only father figure he’d ever had.
“Harry it’s alright” came that voice again, the voice he could not place.
But he couldn’t concentrate on that voice. He tried very hard, but he felt out of control, completely and utterly lost. He closed his eyes shut and heard a moan, that later he realized it had been himself. The voice was trying to say something, but it sounded far, far away. He was surrounded by water and he was drowning, he kicked trying to get to the surface, to breathe, his lungs were getting constricted...
And then, a couple of hands grabbed his face, forcing him to look up. He opened his eyes in panic, trying to get away from whoever was trying to restrain him, but the hands didn’t move.
“Harry listen to me. You need to calm down... it was a nightmare, nothing more” the voice said.
A... a nightmare?
With those words, the fog in his mind began to lift.
He blinked, trying to focus on his surroundings. He felt the cold hands on his cheeks, the long fingers lightly caressing the skin under his ears.
And then he saw them. Two pools of darkness, focused entirely on him, giving him warmth and safety. Harry’s eyes started to distinguish a crooked nose and pale skin.
Severus.
He blinked, recognizing the Potions Master. But then, a huge jolt shook his entire body, and he realized to his utter horror that his magic was out of control. He could feel it pulsing through his veins, he felt it coming off of him in waves, menacing and threatening. He focused on those dark eyes, on that voice that was calling him back.
After a few terrible moments, he felt his magic coming back to him, the waves retreating, the beast hiding. The moment the last speck of his energy had disappeared, he registered what had happened: the room had been set on fire. The wooden doors and wardrobe were burned to a crisp, the walls had gained a blackened colour for the fire.
Harry let out a loud yell as he jumped in bed, looking with wide eyes at the horror in front of him. What have I done?
“Hey, it’s okay” Severus’s deep voice came from his left “don’t worry, I can get it all back to normal.”
With a few flicks of his wand and murmured Reparo’s, the room came back to its original state. The blackened rock returned to the previous state before being burnt, and the wardrobe and its contents were back to being intact.
“See? No harm done” Severus whispered, leaving his wand on the bedside table once again.
But Harry couldn’t look at him.
That was what everyone feared of him, that was why nobody could ever accept him for what he was. A... freak! Not even in the wizarding world could he be normal, he had to have these outbursts of magic, these things that could kill anyone instantly.
Harry shook his head, trying to dispel his thoughts from his mind. But it only made him remember the dream, that horrid dream... but of course, it hadn’t been a dream at all. It had been real.
“Hey, look at me” he heard the deep, silky voice calling him.
He looked to his side and saw Severus sitting on the bed, his legs open on either side of him.
“It’s alright, Harry” he whispered “no need to worry, nothing happened.”
“It could have...” he said, and Harry winced when he heard how his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. “I could’ve hurt you, I could’ve...”
“But you didn’t” Severus answered, “come here...”
Harry watched as Severus opened his arms and beckoned him closer. He locked eyes with him, those dark pools that held so much emotion now. Harry was scared to look, to see that he had finally scared the last person in the world to be fearful of anything. But when he looked, he only saw warmth and understanding on those eyes, on those hard features he had come to adore.
Harry saw his open arms and warm expression, and could do little else but to give in; he had no strength left. His throat let out a pitiful sound as he let his body fall forward. The next second, he felt Severus’s long and strong arms encircling him and pulling him in, and Harry buried his face on his chest.
Tears made an appearance on his eyes, and he closed them shut, choking back the sob that wanted to come out. But he couldn’t, he didn’t deserve to cry, not when... not when Sirius was...
“It’s alright, Harry... let it all out...”
There it was, that voice again, encouraging him, coaxing him. And once one tear had escaped his eyes, the rest followed, and he could do nothing to stop them. He bit his lower lip so hard he felt the copper taste of blood in his tongue, but it was in vain. Once Harry had started to cry he knew it was impossible to contain it, and he began to sob in Severus’s arms.
His chest felt constricted and his head fuzzy, he saw dozens of images with Sirius all speeding through his mind at once. He remembered his warm hugs, his beard and long hair caressing his neck. His brown chocolate eyes, looking at him with mirth, mirth that transformed into a haunted look when he was trapped inside Grimmauld Place. Even a decade after, he could remember his belly laugh, deep and low, and his hard, cold voice when he was angry. He saw all those images of Sirius, of his few shared memories with him, and he felt even worse for having so few before he’d passed away. He wanted more with him, he’d had him for so little time...
Harry’s breathing was erratic, his cries cutting out the supply of oxygen, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He tried to take a ragged breath, and another sob escaped his throat. He grabbed Severus’s nightshirt on his back, pulling and clutching at it as if his life depended on it.
“Shhhh that’s it, I’m right here... let it all out...” the voice was whispering close to his ear.
Severus’s heart was beating, calm and steady. Harry could hear it close to his ear, if he focused he could even feel it echo with each heartbeat. He heard him breathing, and he felt his torso expanding as he inhaled, and then coming back down as he exhaled. He could almost sense the oxygen travelling from his nose to his lungs. Unconsciously, he tried to match his own erratic breathing with Severus’s, holding onto his nightclothes for dear life.
“It’s alright, Harry. It’s over, that was a nightmare” he heard him whisper.
“It wasn’t...” he whispered, his voice breathy and low “it was... exactly as I remember it... the day I lost him.”
Severus said nothing, but Harry felt his arms squeezing him a bit tighter. He gulped, letting seconds pass until his breathing was back to a normal pace. Then he cleared his throat.
“I have lost so many people... but Sirius is the one I regret the most. Because it was my fault."
“That’s not true.”
“Don’t dare tell me it isn’t true, Severus” Harry jumped, pushing Severus away so he could look at him in the eye, and he winced when he heard his voice. He took a breath to calm down, though his voice came out bitter “I know he left the safety of Grimmauld Place because of me, I failed at Occlumency... I did it. His death... is on me.”
Severus was quiet for a long time, both sitting in front of each other, his head downcast. Harry was almost relieved when Severus said nothing because he knew it was his fault. He knew it in his bones, and it was one of the biggest regrets he would ever have.
But it seemed that Severus was only gathering his thoughts, for he spoke not long afterwards, his voice grave.
“I know you’ve heard this before, but remember who you’re speaking to. I know precisely what it means to know, deep inside, that someone’s death is on you.”
Harry looked at him in silence, a question in his expression.
“Your parents” he answered, his voice full of emotion, his eyes glistening with unshed tears he wouldn’t let roll down his cheeks. Harry saw the ghost of his mother run through his dark, sad eyes.
"It was me who told the Dark Lord about the Prophecy, who whispered it in his ear. And it was because of me that, ultimately, he marked you. He pointed his wand at them, at you, because of my mistake.”
“That’s not true, Sev,” Harry said “Pettigrew betrayed them. You didn’t wield the wand that killed them, and as soon as you knew he’d targeted us, he’d targeted her, you went to Dumbledore for help.”
“But it’s the same as you, isn’t it?” Severus answered “if I'm not guilty of your parents' death, how are you guilty of Black's? You went for help. You told me as soon as you saw me, so I could alert the Order. And then you went to the Ministry, risking your life to try and save his.”
“And for that, he died. For my stupidity, for my...”
“No," Severus said "he died because the moment he heard you were in danger he refused to sit around. He had to be there, he had to get you to safety.”
Harry didn’t answer, he only shook his head. He still couldn’t shake this horrid feeling that, no matter how he looked at it, Sirius’s death was on him.
His eyes were downcast, and he saw how Severus's long and slender fingers travelled towards his hands. They held them with extreme gentleness, his thumb gently drawing soothing circles on their back.
“I should’ve been more careful. We knew Voldemort was planting stuff in my head” Harry pretended not to notice the small wince Severus made at the name of his old master. “Trying to make things better, I made it worse.”
Harry heard Severus sigh, and his voice went deeper.
“I know it feels that way, but take it from me. His death wasn’t on you. He had a choice, we all did.” Severus argued, “he could’ve waited at Headquarters while the others rescued you.”
“He should have!” Harry screamed, closing his hands in fists.
“Why didn’t you stay in the castle?” Severus asked. Harry opened his eyes wide and looked at Severus, shocked. But he went on “we always told you to stay put, to let the adults deal with things, but you never listened. Why did you go?”
“Because... because I had to!” Harry answered, feeling defensive. He took his hands away from Severus’s delicate grip and moved back “why would you even... because I couldn’t let Voldemort torture him, I couldn’t let him die!”
“Precisely” Severus answered, his voice calm.
Then, Harry understood.
It all dawned on him, why he was feeling so angry, so enraged at himself and at Sirius for being so stupid to leave the safety of Grimmauld Place. Now he knew why.
“I... he did the same as I did,” Harry said, and his voice sounded less offended now “I went to try and save him... and he tried to save me.”
“Exactly. Now you get it” Severus said, his face unreadable.
Harry could see, through Severus’s clenched teeth and blank expression, that seeing him become defensive had hurt him. He knew Severus wasn’t doing it to make him angry or give him pain, his reaction had been visceral. But he didn’t deserve it. If anything, he deserved the world of kindness, for being with him when nobody else was.
Harry offered his hands again, this time using his hands to cover Severus’s. His thumb caressed the back of his hand, slowly. Then, he brought his hand to his lips, kissing it gently. That, more than anything, seemed to calm Severus a bit.
“I hate to make you remember this, Harry” Severus said, his voice sounding regretful and low “and I won’t lie to you and say neither you nor I had no part in his demise. We both know that had we put more effort into Occlumency, it would’ve been different. But even then, blaming yourself for his death is one big jump. He decided to rescue you, and thus he decided his fate.”
“Black wasn’t prone to listening to anybody, but even he knew the risks involved. Same as Lupin, Moody, and everyone else who came to the Ministry that night” Severus continued “and he still decided to go. Exactly the same as you did. You can’t blame him or yourself for trying to save the person you love.”
It was the first time Severus had acknowledged Harry’s feelings for Sirius without any hint of mocking or disdain towards the animagus. Harry snorted, and Severus raised an elegant eyebrow at him.
“Yes, even I could see your feelings for each other” Severus added, giving Harry a lopsided smile. “I had my own personal feud with him, for reasons entirely unrelated. But it does not mean I’m blind. And I know it’s little comfort, trust me. I do. But while you did put yourself in danger that night, his death wasn’t on you.”
Harry nodded, gulping and brushing his tears away with his sleeve. Then, he felt Severus’s slender and cold fingers gently moving his hands away and cupping his cheek.
Very delicately, almost as if he was afraid, Harry felt Severus’s fingers wiping away the tears, erasing from his cheeks the wet trails they’d left behind. Harry closed his eyes and tried to take a deep breath, feeling his chest a bit less constricted.
“And remember this, Harry. He didn’t die in vain. You’re still here and you’re still alive because of what he did” Severus’s voice came low and soft. “And I know that, wherever he is, he’s looking at you from afar while he’s with his best friend.”
Harry’s lips tugged upwards at those words.
“I like to imagine they’re together again at last” Harry whispered with a small smile “waiting for me to join them.”
“Oh, of course they are, nothing can separate them, not even Death herself,” Severus said with a smirk.
Then, Severus wrapped his arms around Harry and pressed him against his chest, this time a bit more calmly. Harry breathed deeply, inhaling Severus’s honey scent, and letting his smell bring him to a place of peace.
“But I’m afraid they’ll be waiting a long time for you,” Severus said “I won’t let you go so soon...”
Harry’s smile grew wider at those words and let himself be wrapped up in the comfort and safety of Severus’s arms. He had often been the one offering comfort to him, offering him safety in his arms. So much so, that it still surprised him when he realized how safe he felt in Severus’s arms. And for a second, for a split second, his mind conjured an image of him old and weak, still in the same arms, and surrounded by the same feeling of safety as he was feeling now. He gulped and burrowed his face further in his nightclothes, closing his eyes as he felt them heavy.
“I’m sorry, Sev,” Harry said after a while, his voice down as he didn’t want to disturb the peace and silence of the room “I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“Why? Your outburst of magic?” Severus asked, Harry nodded.
“Most people are scared when I lose control” Harry admitted, “my magic is tied to my emotions, more than with other people I know...”
“This only confirms what we already knew, Harry. That you’re the most powerful wizard of our time” Severus said. Then, he lowered his head so their foreheads would press together, and he whispered “I wasn’t scared.”
“You... weren’t?”
“No” he answered “I can’t explain it, but... I just knew you wouldn’t hurt me.”
Harry stayed silent, unable to speak.
In all the years since the war, every time he lost control of his emotions, things like that happened. He couldn’t control it, he couldn’t prevent it. And it felt as if he was going mad; as if he was slowly losing the last threads of mental sanity he had.
“How long has this been happening?” Severus asked.
“It began a bit after the war” Harry answered “I... began having these outbursts when I lost my temper or had powerful and sudden emotions running through me. Like accidental magic, but worse.”
Severus stayed silent for a long time. Then, he pushed Harry away a few inches to be able to look at him in the eye.
“Would you allow me to look into it?”
“Do you want to see it again?” Harry said, his eyes opening wide in shock.
“I do,” Severus said “it’s obvious that it bothers you, and we may find a way to keep it under control. But to say so for certain, I need more data first. Will you allow it?”
“I’ll think about it,” Harry said “I don’t want to put you in any danger, Severus, if I hurt you in any way, I...”
“You won’t hurt me. And in any case, I can have defence mechanisms in place if it makes you feel better” Severus answered, “think about it, will you?”
Harry nodded, not convinced in the slightest. But he knew that, if there was anyone in the wizarding world who could give him a solution, that was the man sharing a bed with him. Even more than Dumbledore, Severus was the academic mind. The man who’d invented a dozen spells before his 17th birthday, who spent his leisure time writing articles for Potions journals. The man who experimented on potions and created new ones for pleasure. That was the man that could find a solution to his problem.
“What time is it?” Harry asked. He felt his body still exhausted, his mind adrift. He felt Severus fishing his wand and casting a tempus charm.
“A little over five” Severus whispered.
“Let’s go back to sleep, it’s still very early,” Harry said, “sorry I disrupted you, I know you’ve been sleeping pretty well lately.”
“I have had my sleep disrupted by you for almost two decades, Potter,” Severus said with a smirk, his voice not sounding the least bit annoyed. “I can live with one more sleepless night.”
Despite his words, Severus laid back in bed and opened his arms for Harry to rest against him. Harry did, resting half his body on Severus and his face on Severus’s chest. He saw the man placing one arm behind his head, while the other wrapped around him protectively. Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes, the scent of honey surrounding him and lulling him to sleep.
The morning after, they woke up late for their standards. They had a staff meeting, and they rushed to get out of bed and get dressed before they begrudgingly walked towards the staff room.
Harry felt sorry for disrupting Severus’s sleep, he had woken up grumpy and had grumbled all the way to the staff room, sitting down on his seat with a scowl. Harry sighed as he ran his hand through his hair, feeling exhausted already, and he served a mug of coffee for each. The extra amount of caffeine was needed that day.
After the needlessly long meeting, all the teachers started to walk towards the Great Hall for breakfast. Harry sat down at his usual seat, with Severus by his side. He wasn’t feeling very hungry, but he forced himself to eat at least enough to be able to teach until lunch.
The day went by slowly, and he had to concentrate hard to focus on the lessons. More than once he lost track of what he was saying, and on the last lesson of the day, he decided to switch things up and place the students to work in groups. The lack of sleep, along with the dreadful feeling that had settled in his stomach, didn’t allow him to be even functional enough for a day of lessons.
It felt odd. The conversation with Severus had made him see that perhaps not all the blame was on himself. Sirius had indeed decided to follow the rest of the Order to the Ministry. But really, what choice had Harry given him? If it had been Ron, Hermione, Ginny or anyone else in Sirius's position. There wouldn’t have been a choice. Not for him.
And there was something else. Something that despite having spent years thinking about the war and all its ramifications, he had never wanted to admit.
He hadn’t mourned Sirius.
He’d mourned Dumbledore - although his death turned out to be a lie -, Fred, Remus and Tonks, Moody, and countless others. But Sirius... he had felt as though he had no right to cry, to mourn his death when he’d been the cause of it.
He didn’t even have a place he could go to, a grave to let his tears fall and his pain be washed away. Sirius’s body had disappeared, along with his presence, leaving a void impossible to fill for a fifteen-year-old kid. So much so, that the twenty-five-year-old man who was now standing in his place still had difficulty dealing with it.
“How did it go?” a voice asked next to him.
He was at the Great Hall, and Severus was taking a seat by his side, as he always did. His eyes were shallow and were looking at him with concern.
“Not too well” Harry answered in a whisper “I think the nightmare and lack of sleep caught up with me. I could barely focus..."
“Same as me, then,” Severus said, nodding. Then he gestured the full plates in front of them “eat, come on. It’ll make you feel better.”
“I’m not that hungry, actually...” Harry started but was cut off when Severus grabbed a plate full of chicken wings and served a few onto the plate in front of him.
“I won’t have you starve because of a nightmare. I know you’ve had your fair share of them, and you didn’t starve then. You won’t start now” Severus said rather brusquely, although Harry could see that he was only worried.
A tiny sense of warmth appeared in his chest. Perhaps his bedside manner wasn’t the best, but Severus indeed worried about him. Despite everything, Harry found himself smiling.
“Okay, okay, I’ll eat” he relented, looking at him and offering a sheepish smile “thank you, Sev.”
Severus only scoffed and looked down, hiding his face behind his hair, but Harry saw the tip of his ears tinging with a light pink colour.
They ate slowly, conversing with the professors sitting next to them. Hagrid was asking Harry about the Weasley’s, he wanted to see Charlie for a creature he was in the process of getting and needed his advice.
“I hope it’s not a dragon, the last one was more than enough, Hagrid,” Severus said when he happened to listen in on their conversation.
“No, Norbert is quite ‘appy in the colony, Charlie brings me news every now and then” Hagrid answered with a huge smile hidden behind his bushy beard.
“You know about Norbert?” Harry asked, turning to Severus with a raised eyebrow. He nodded.
“Hagrid told us about it after Charlie had come to retrieve it” Severus answered, “he gave up after he spent a week weeping around the corridors.”
“I wasn’t weeping, Snape!” Hagrid complained, but when Severus locked eyes with Harry he saw him winking.
“You essentially spent a week roaming the halls like a lost soul” Severus continued “but it’s fine, Hagrid, we all have our weak spots. It just happens that yours is horrifying beasts. Or do you think I’ve forgotten about Fluffy?”
At those words Hagrid burst out laughing, tears of mirth falling down his cheeks to his beard.
“Oh, Fluffy!” Hagrid said with a huge smile when he finally had gathered his composure “I told ye, ye ‘ad to calm him down first, Snape, ye can ‘ardly blame me!”
“No, only your absurd fascination for feral beasts. But of course, the bigger the better, is it not?” Severus said, but his lips were tugged upwards.
“Ye know, ye never said a truer word, Snape,” he said, still with a smile on his face and his eyes sparkling.
Harry only smiled widely at the banter between Severus and Hagrid.
Severus had been Headmaster for probably one of the darkest years Hogwarts had ever seen and had had all his old colleagues against him. Harry still trembled to imagine the agony and fear in Severus that year. He couldn't even begin to fathom how he must've felt trudging through the castle halls, always looking behind his back in case one of his former friends attacked him.
However, the moment they learnt it had all been a ploy between Dumbledore and Severus, they returned to their original selves. Minerva had gone back to her friendship slash rivalry with Severus, and Hagrid always welcomed his words. Even if they were mild jokes, they both knew they were done at nobody’s expense and definitely, not with malice.
Harry smiled. At the beginning of the year, it seemed that Severus was completely alone. But after months sharing his life with him, he could see that there were plenty of people who cared about him and appreciated him. Severus wasn’t alone. He just needed to see it, when the world was so dark he couldn’t see.
After dinner, both Harry and Severus walked to the dungeons, Harry feeling colder the lower they went. Once inside Severus’s quarters, he finally breathed deeply, taking off his robes and walking straight to the roaring fire. He heard Severus scoff.
“You need warmer clothes, Harry,” he said as he walked to the sofa, grabbed a patterned blanket and draped it over his shoulders. Harry shivered as he brought it closer around him.
“Thanks” he whispered, Severus nodded as he too stood in front of the fire, getting warm.
Once they were sufficiently warm they sat down on the sofa, the blanket covering their legs as Severus conjured a teapot and two cups. They drank slowly and in silence, only the crackle of the fire could be heard.
“Is there anything I can do, Harry?” Severus asked in the silence of the room.
Harry turned to him with his eyes narrowed and a very obvious question probably plastered on his face.
“About Black,” Severus said “you’ve helped me deal with my issues, but you also went through a great deal yourself. I’d like to help you.”
Harry left his cuppa on the coffee table and wrapped himself in Severus’s arms, who gladly let him rest his head against his chest. He inhaled deeply, Severus still smelled of potions ingredients, but the smell of his honey-scented shampoo lingered on him.
“I know there are many things I haven’t dealt with,” Harry said. "And it feels somewhat dishonest to be helping you deal with your issues when I haven’t done my own part with mine. But I think the conversation this morning helped me see it a different way.”
“It did?”
“Yeah” Harry answered, nodding into Severus’s chest. “I still think it was because of my own foolishness that Sirius went to the Ministry after me, I gave him no choice. But... he had been in plenty of Order missions on the first war, and the others had been on plenty of missions, and a lot of them survived.”
“And a lot of them died."
“They did” Harry answered, “what I mean to say is... he went to rescue me, aware of the dangers, but none of us could know he would get killed that night.”
“You really couldn’t” Severus answered “I can tell you for a fact that Bellatrix was one madwoman, not even the Dark Lord could foresee what she would do. He was most pleased when he learnt what she’d done, though.”
“I bet he was,” Harry said bitterly.
“It’s okay to miss him, Harry. And it’s okay to be angry about it” Severus said “but take it from me. Anger will get you nowhere.”
“I know,” Harry said, “it’s just so hard...”
“It is” Severus answered.
They both fell silent after that, sipping their tea and letting the minutes pass.
A bit later, Severus suddenly jumped out of the sofa. Harry grumbled at his sudden movement.
“We need a pick-me-up, and I think I have the solution,” Severus said as he extended his hand “what do you think of going to Diagon Alley and visiting Rosie?”
“You want me to meet Rosie today? Right now?”
“Yes, why not?” Severus answered “it’s evening already, she will be home, and you said you wanted to meet her. Or is that no longer the case?”
Harry couldn’t help but notice the subtle way Severus asked the question. But Harry, already adept at reading him, saw straight through his apparent nonchalant question.
“Of course I do” Harry answered as he grabbed Severus’s extended hand and got up from the sofa “it’s just that... I’m not mentally ready.”
“You don’t need to be” Severus smiled “you’ll love her, you’ll see...”
They both put on their robes and walked to the fireplace. Walking outside the apparition wards was out of the question on such a cold day.
“I’ll go first,” Severus said with a smirk and a wink.
He extinguished the flames on the fireplace and making sure he wouldn’t burn his feet, he entered. Then, he took a handful of floo powder. Harry took a step back and watched him scream “ROSIE BUCHANAN’S HOUSE, DIAGON ALLEY!” and he disappeared into a swirl of green flames.
Harry sighed. He knew Rosie was important to Severus, and he wanted to give a good first impression. But given his physical and mental state, he had no idea whether he would make it.
He shook his head and trying to dispel his thoughts, he entered the fireplace. He took a handful of floo powder and shouted the same Severus had, and closed his eyes, feeling his head spinning. Gods, he hated travelling by floo.
When he opened his eyes and blinked, coughing and sputtering soot, he heard a warm laugh.
“I know, lad, some of us never get used to travelling by floo,” said a feminine voice.
When Harry could focus his eyes, he saw that he was in a quite bare but cosy living room. There were a couple of sofas in front of the fireplace where he’d come through, and a table with a few chairs at the far end of the room. Hundreds of paintings hung from the walls. Harry saw it was a feeble attempt at covering an ancient-looking wallpaper that had been scratched and torn off in places even. The entire room had a run-down feel to it.
The fire started to roar behind him, and Harry jumped, distracted momentarily. And then, his eyes fell on the quite plump woman in front of him. Severus was behind her, watching them with rapture eyes.
Rosie had grey and curly hair, much like Pomona Sprout had when it wasn’t covered in dirt. Her eyes were dark brown and looked almost black with only the light of the fire illuminating the room. Her face was round and her smile was wide and warm, showing her slightly crooked teeth. Her most prominent feature was her nose, which was aquiline, a much sharp feature in her otherwise rounded face.
The clothes she was wearing were old-looking and torn in places, it was obvious the apothecary barely gave her money to sustain herself. But she didn't seem too bothered about that.
“Well, well, well, Severus, if it isn’t the man in the flesh,” Rosie said with a smug smile.
“Harry Potter, ma’am,” Harry said as he took a step closer and offered his hand “pleasure to meet you.”
“Oh, don’t start with the pleasantries. I’ve got enough with Severus to last for a lifetime” Rosie said, although she accepted his offered hand “come here and let me see you.”
Harry smiled as he took another step, stopping right in front of her. She fixed her eyes on him and he felt somewhat small under her scrutiny. Her gaze felt a lot like Severus’s; when sometimes Harry could even swear he was reading into his very soul. Her piercing gaze was taking everything in, looking intensely at him, and he unconsciously gulped.
“I like this one, Severus,” she said with a wide smile at last. Then she turned around “although I would’ve never guessed the man who’d given you so much happiness was Potter himself. I heard you complain about him for decades!”
“I see him differently now,” Severus said with a sheepish smile.
“Come come, let’s sit down and get some tea. My poor legs can’t hold me much longer” she said as she let her body fall backwards on the sofa she had behind her.
Only then did Harry realize she had been using a cane as a support while she’d been standing.
“Oh god, I’m sorry, I hadn’t realized...” he started but was cut off by Rosie, who put up a hand.
“It’s alright lad, no need to worry,” Rosie said “Severus? If you please.”
Severus nodded and took out his wand from his inner pocket. He murmured an Accio and a teapot and three cups levitated through the corridor, presumably from the kitchen. Harry noted that Rosie didn’t seem to have a wand on herself. Was she a squib? Or perhaps she’d lost her magic due to her age or injury? Harry wondered.
The next minutes Severus served tea for all three, serving each to their taste before he passed the cup along. Harry saw him adding a splash of milk and sugar for him, and dropping a single lump of sugar with no milk for Rosie. He smiled, he always liked when Severus took notice of such simple things as how one liked their tea.
But he couldn’t be calm, not completely.
“So, Harry, tell me” Rosie started, taking a sip of her tea and sitting a bit better on the sofa “how did this between Severus and you begin?”
“Well, it sort of... started out of nowhere, really,” Harry said. He glanced at Severus quickly and saw him nodding once.
“Do you remember, years ago, a conversation we had about how much of a kid I really am, Rosie?” he intervened. Rosie turned to him and nodded. “Well, I... I decided to try that. At some moments, at least. Harry looks after me.”
“You finally gave in to your feelings...” Rosie said with a dreamy voice. And then she smiled and leaned over, one of her hands resting on Severus’s forearm “I’m glad you did, Severus. You’d been battling with that for years.”
“Forever, more precisely” he added, and his voice sounded a bit bitter.
“But you found someone to look after you,” Rosie said, and Harry felt her eyes fixed on him again “tell me, Harry, how did you even manage to convince him?”
“I didn’t, actually,” Harry said “I found him one day, and my instincts took over. Then, we began trying, using his little time to deal with his issues.”
“Well, I’m glad he has you,” Rosie said, her smile widening “Merlin knows how much Severus needed someone, and I can clearly see his change already.”
“I think we all can” Harry answered with a smile. He saw Severus getting flustered and looking down, focusing his gaze on his teacup, and Harry giggled “although he’s as shy as he’s ever been.”
“I’m not shy” Severus muttered, although Harry could see a smile tugging on his lips.
“Yes, you are, my dear” Rosie said “when it comes to things of the heart, you’ve always been shy. But that’s actually an endearing part of you.”
Rosie spoke such truths, such beautiful and warm words to Severus, and didn’t care that they got Severus flustered. It made Harry feel a warmth spread in his chest. He smiled as he saw them banter, Rosie mothering him and complaining he was much too thin and had bags under his eyes. She asked him to conjure some biscuits to munch into.
“We ate dinner not long ago, I’m not hungry” Severus complained, although Harry noticed how he used his wand to conjure a plate of biscuits. His smile widened.
“Take a few yourself, Harry, you’re also too thin!” Rosie exclaimed, “how did you even manage to destroy that snake-face without a pound of fat in you is beyond me, did no one ever feed you?”
“I’ve always been thin, Rosie, it has nothing to do with how much I eat,” Harry said as he laughed.
He realized Rosie reminded him a lot of Molly Weasley, although Rosie used more foul language than Mrs Weasley ever had. And he had never heard of anyone talking about Voldemort as snake-face!
“Well, you’re not going to leave this house without putting some fat into you, I can guarantee you that,” she said.
Harry purposefully avoided telling her that yes, he was thin, but he was also quite powerful. He wasn’t the muscly sort like Ron or Charlie Weasley were, but he was quite lean and liked to keep in shape. He only grabbed a handful of biscuits and started to munch.
“So, Severus, this is a very nice surprise but you obviously needed me tonight,” Rosie said after a few biscuits had been eaten “tell me so I can help.”
Harry gulped audibly.
“It’s not that, not exactly,” Severus said “we... had a rough night tonight, and were feeling quite gloomy. I thought that visiting you was the best thing to raise our spirits.”
"A rough night, hm?" Rosie repeated, her expression thoughtful.
"It was my fault, Rosie" Harry interrupted. He felt her eyes on him "I had a nightmare, last night... about someone I lost. And it disturbed both of us."
"Who might that be, may I ask?"
“Sirius Black,” Harry said, with a bit of hesitation.
“Oh right... he was your godfather, wasn’t he?” Rosie asked, he nodded. As perceptive as Severus was, she seemed to know what Harry was thinking. "Don't worry my ear, I never believed the bullshit The Daily Prophet wrote about him for a second."
Shocked at her words, he took a big gulp of the already lukewarm tea, feeling his mouth suddenly dry.
Rosie was silent for a while, her eyes focusing on the dancing flames of the fire.
“I won’t try to tell you how to deal with grief, everyone deals with it differently,” Rosie said finally “what I can say is... try to deal with it. Don’t run from it, don’t hide, don’t deflect or use other stuff to avoid it.”
“How?” Harry asked, his voice strangled “I haven’t even... cried for him. Not for a decade.”
“And that, as Severus knows, is a huge mistake,” Rosie said “I don’t know the exact particulars. But go to a special place for you, one that reminds you of him. It doesn’t have to be his grave, it can be any place you felt connected to him. And let that anger, confusion and sadness wash over you. Don’t fight it.”
Harry saw then, out of the corner of his eye, Severus standing up from his seat on the other sofa. He walked towards him and sat down next to him, grabbing his hand.
“Much like what we did at Godric’s Hollow” Severus whispered, taking his hand and bringing it to his lips. He kissed it, gently and delicately, and Harry felt tears in his ears at the sudden and loving gesture “you need to grieve, Harry. You need to let it all go.”
He nodded, not trusting his own voice. And even then, he really had no idea what to say. He felt emotion overwhelm him, and clutched at Severus’s hands, asking him in silence to not let go. But Severus never did.
“And one day, you’ll be able to remember him without being sad or angry that he isn’t here” Rosie whispered. "One day, you’ll be able to remember the good moments you had, and the bad moments won’t tarnish your good memories.”
Harry nodded. How this person, a complete stranger, had given him the words he desperately needed, he couldn't say. But, looking inward, he felt better. He had a purpose, a goal, and he would do it.
Sirius deserved it, he deserved to be remembered as the man he'd been. Full of contradictions, but also full of love for Harry until the end. He had difficulty conciliating the man he remembered with the man who hurt Severus to such extremes. And a part of him hated Sirius, for giving the Potions Master so much pain, even in his adulthood. He could understand the anger and resentment between them. But even then, a part of him also loved and missed him, missed the life he could've had but didn't, missed giving the man the freedom he'd longed for. Perhaps, admitting those feelings was the first step.
“Thank you, Rosie. As always, you’re most helpful” Severus whispered after a while, though Harry pretended not to hear him. He had forgotten they were even there, so focused on his own thoughts.
"Let me help you a bit around the house" he heard Severus offer.
With a movement of his wand, the dust and general dirt of the house began to lift. Much as Harry had seen Severus doing in her apothecary, the room recovered its original colour. The surfaces became spotless, the dust disappeared, and the room smelled clean.
“Ah, thank you, Severus,” she said with a smile “and please, do come by soon, okay?”
“We will” Severus answered, offering Harry his hand, which he took, and they both got up from the sofa.
“I’m so glad to see you both happy” Rosie said, looking from one to the other, her eyes glistening “you certainly deserve it. Both of you. And Harry, it’s been a pleasure. Please, look after Severus.”
“Likewise, Rosie,” Harry said, offering his hand “and don’t worry, I will look after him.”
With one last smile, they went to the fireplace, lowering their heads to fit on the cramped space.
“See you soon, Rosie,” Severus said. Before they left, Severus grabbed one of Rosie's hands, and kissed it, slowly and gently. Rosie laughed, and Harry smiled at hearing the woman's deep laugh resonate in the room.
"As gentleman as always, Severus" she whispered, although it was obvious she enjoyed his attentions "do come to visit soon."
Harry waved with his hand and closed his eyes as he grabbed Severus’s arm. A split second later he shouted “SEVERUS SNAPE’S QUARTERS, HOGWARTS” and they both disappeared into a swirl of green flames.
It was mid-December, on the last weeks before the end of term and the start of the holiday season. The month had brought freezing wind and snow to the Hogwarts grounds. But even if it was so cold it was almost unbearable to be outside, Harry loved to watch those white snowflakes falling down in silence.
He looked through the windows as often as he could. It was childish, really, but he’d always liked snow at Hogwarts; the castle was even more impressive with its snow-covered towers. Even if it made his nose cold and his hands numb, even if he had to move his feet every few minutes so they wouldn’t become numb. Even with all that, the sense of calm it gave him was unmatched.
Harry sighed, a soft smile on his lips, as he looked through the window of his office at the falling snow. Christmas was fast approaching.
After the first dreadful first Christmases of his life, once he’d come to Hogwarts he began to understand what the season was all about. He’d found a new sense of excitement that began that first Christmas day when he was eleven. He still remembered very fondly the first time he’d woken up, next to Ron in their Gryffindor dorm, with a pile of presents on the foot of his bed.
And he was determined that this year, Severus would have the same, if not more.
He wanted to spoil the boy rotten and didn’t even have to think very hard for a reason. He had plenty.
For once, he doubted Severus had ever had a pleasant and nice Christmas, he was almost sure he had not when he was a child. And at Hogwarts, he had no idea whether he went back home for the holidays. He thought he didn’t due to his father, but he did seem to have an attachment to his mother, so maybe he’d gone back to spend time with her?
What had she been like? Was she a loving mother, who tried to protect him from his drunken father? Had she smothered him on holidays, and gave him in secret a present she’d saved for months to be able to give him? Severus’s family had been extremely poor, he knew that much, they couldn’t afford most basic things, much less could they buy Christmas gifts.
All in all, Harry had the feeling that Severus hadn’t had a nice and exciting Christmas in all his life. It wasn’t only the gifts, which he was sure he got from Albus and possibly Minerva and the Malfoys. But what about comfort food? Warmth? Spending time with family, reconnecting? He guessed he’d never had that.
So, Harry was determined to make this Christmas the best for Severus. And his desire to make him happy went beyond the regression aspect of their relationship. Of course, he wanted little Severus to have fun and get excited as a boy with presents to unwrap, he wanted him to feel the magic of the season.
But it was much more than that.
Even if Severus didn’t regress on that day, Harry wanted to make it special for him. After a bit of soul searching, he realized that what his heart most desired was to make Severus happy. To give him everything he hadn’t had as a child, to make him see he was wanted and appreciated.
He wanted Sev, the child, to enjoy a magical Christmas. But he also wanted Severus, the man, to feel for the first time the warmth of a Christmas spent with the people who care for you and love you. To feel the comfort and warmth of the season and the kindness that had never been offered to him.
He had his shopping list almost ready. He knew he had to buy essential stuff, like nappies and dummies. Puzzles and other games, and some other toys and books too, as Severus enjoyed when Harry read aloud to him, both as an adult and as a child.
Harry had everything he wanted for Little Severus lined up in his mind. But what about adult Severus? He wanted to buy the man something too, something he could use when he wasn’t in headspace, something that would remind him of the Gryffindor. Something that would tell him how much he was appreciated and wanted in his life.
He would have to go out and seek something original for himself, but for now, he was a bit lost about what to get him.
Harry watched through the window and saw little dots that were treading through the snow towards the Quidditch pitch. Good, the match was about to begin, Slytherin was playing Gryffindor. He smirked, putting his plan in motion.
For days he’d wondered when he would be able to find a moment to sneak out without Severus knowing when it dawned on him: during the match. As a good Gryffindor, he normally sat in the Gryffindor stands and cheered his old house from there. Meanwhile Severus, as third in the school hierarchy and head of Slytherin house, sat with the Deputy and the Headmaster in the box seats. While his sight was as good as ever, it was unlikely he could distinguish Harry from his spot. Plus, he would never suspect Harry would miss a match.
It was a bit risky, a Quidditch match had no set time. He hoped the game lasted long enough for him to do everything he wanted to do. He watched as more and more people exited the castle and walked, with difficulty, towards the pitch. When he’d waited a prudent time he walked out of his rooms, wrapped up with his coat and scarf, and descended the stairs towards the front gate.
The castle was deserted. As he’d imagined, everyone was at the game; the rivalry between the two houses always raised a lot of expectations and excitement.
Once at the front door, he donned the Cloak of Invisibility. He had to walk past the Quidditch stadium to get to the Front Gates, and he wasn't going to risk anyone seeing him from the distance. He walked through the snow, getting his feet and part of his trousers wet, but he pushed on. Once he crossed the Gates he walked a few paces and took off the Cloak, putting it in his pocket.
He let out a sigh of relief, no one had seen him. For a second he was about to ditch his original plan and just go to Diagon Alley. But he wanted somewhere closer and muggle for his shopping, and he didn’t need to go all the way to London to get it.
Then, he closed his eyes, and preparing himself, he disapparated.
Aberdeen. That was his destination.
When he opened his eyes he was amazed at the beauty of the place. He’d apparated on a deserted beach, what he knew was Aberdeen beachfront. Behind him, there were a few stairs, and far behind, Queens Links Leisure Park. He was surprised that there was no trace of snow, which meant that while it had snowed at Hogwarts, it hadn't reached this far out to the coast.
He looked left and right and saw that, indeed, there was no one on sight. The wind was unforgiving and he felt the humid cold seeping through his layers of clothes. He wrapped the scarf tighter around his neck and started to walk towards the mall.
His first stop was the supermarket. As he walked around the mall he saw the number of entertainment facilities that there were. Tons of different restaurants and places to eat, an indoor playground, a leisure park out in the open, even a cinema.
Harry looked at everything, mesmerized, his eyes wide in excitement as if he was five years old. He had never been to a leisure park like this one, and he was dying to try some of this stuff.
But no, he shook his head and kept on walking, his feet taking him to where he had to go. He had a mission and was short on time.
When he walked through the doors of the supermarket, he felt overwhelmed. It was gigantic, and tons of people were coming and going through the aisles. It wasn't surprising, they were probably running away from the freezing temperatures outside.
Not lowering his guard, something he’d learnt the hard way during the war, he kept on. He fought against the urge to wrap his fingers around his wand hidden in his pocket. He was surrounded by dozens of muggles and he could do nothing anyway, but it was unnerving. One would think, living in a castle inhabited by thousands of students, that he would be used to so many people around him. But he didn't feel comfortable in crowds and had never been.
He grabbed a basket and walked through the tons of shopping carts, directly to the baby care aisle. It felt odd and a bit embarrassing, and he felt his cheeks hot as he started to walk the aisle. He felt even shyer when he spotted an excited couple, the woman probably close to his due date, arguing over what baby clothes to choose. Harry tried to ignore them as he walked past them at a brisk pace and stopped in front of the bibs.
Severus didn’t make much of a mess when he ate, but it was always a good option to have a couple, just in case. He grabbed two of the most neutral colours he could grab - shying away from the pinks and blues - and then walked on.
Until something caught his eye.
There was an entire section full of dummies, of all colours and sizes. The most common ones were pink and blue with Disney designs on them, but then there were some that looked different, much less flashy. He realized they were also bigger, and when he looked at the stands more closely, he realized they were adult pacifiers. His eyes lit up, that was exactly what he was looking for.
He browsed through the colours and styles and settled on a black one and a green one. Very Slytherin, he thought as he smirked to himself. They needed a last touch, but he would do that once in the safety of the castle.
Next on the list were the nappies, but they needed to be adult-sized too. He felt a tug in his heart when he saw the pictures of the little babies on the packages of regular nappies; they looked incredibly cute with their dimples on their cheeks and baby fat. He briefly wondered whether it was even possible to have a little Severus in his arms. With a cute, small smile and innocent black eyes. Harry would surely die of cuteness.
He pressed on, though. Soon he arrived at the adult nappies section, and looking at the measurements, grabbed three packages. Better safe than sorry.
Harry walked quickly through the rest of his list and hurried in going through the automatic check-out. He thanked his knowledge of the Muggle world, as he didn’t want to interact with a cashier, giving everything he was carrying. He paid for the stuff as quickly as he could.
He put the stuff into bags, and as soon as he walked outside the supermarket, he hid into a corner, took out his wand to shrink them and put them into his pocket.
By the time he’d finished, he was quite hungry, and it was getting late, it would be dark soon.
As soon as he looked up, he was amazed. The sun was beginning to set, and the sky was beginning to have a beautiful orange and pink tone. He hurried to the place he’d apparated before, and when he reached the beach, he was astonished at the beauty before him. The sea was calm and peaceful, even if the sky had been grey and threatening with rain. Now, the wonderful colours were merging and creating a spectacle wondrous to behold. And he decided he wanted Severus to see that spectacle for himself, with him.
Reaching for his wand in his pocket out of habit, just to make sure it was safe, he made sure no one was close by. Then, he closed his eyes and prepared to apparate at the castle again.
When he opened his eyes again the burning red sky had disappeared; instead, he was looking at the equally stunning beauty of sunset at Hogwarts. He crossed the gates and walked towards the castle, wanting to leave everything in his rooms before dinner.
However, no sooner had he taken off his coat and scarf and left it on the coat rack than there was a knock on his door.
He left the shrunk stuff inside the pocket of his coat, surprised, and answered the door. When he opened it Severus was standing on the threshold, his eyes narrowed, and he looked angry. More than that, he looked murderous.
“Hey, Severus. Is everything okay?” Harry asked and automatically moved aside so he could come in.
Severus did, walking stiffly, his back straight and his shoulders square. Harry gulped, did he suspect? Did he know?
“The game. Gryffindor didn’t play fair and you know it” Severus rasped. Harry sighed, almost imperceptibly.
“Well, Gryffindor is always up for a good game and they’ll do anything to win,” Harry said with an easy smile.
But that seemed to anger Severus even more, his eyes falling on him hard, lines appearing on his frown.
“I knew it” he whispered, his voice low and threatening “you weren’t at the game. If you were, you’d know Slytherin lost for an appalling 60 to 210, and they were the ones that caused the altercation at the end.”
“What altercation?”
The words had slipped out, but then, Harry realized what he’d done. Severus’s both triumphant and angry expression showed he’d screwed up. He gulped, why couldn’t he keep his mouth shut?
All the preparations and meticulous planning, for nothing. Harry had been hoping to speak about the result of the game with someone, so it wasn’t as obvious, but Severus had beat him to it. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, his arms open in surrender.
“Severus, look...”
“No. You lied to me, Potter, you never said anything about leaving during the game. What is it that you have to hide from me?” Severus asked, and Harry hated himself when he could hear, behind the anger, a hint of hurt.
He felt a pang in his chest. Of course, Severus had found out he’d lied and he’d jump to the worst possible conclusions. Harry had been hoping to keep his secret for a bit longer, but it seemed it couldn’t be.
Severus was pacing like a caged animal, walking from one end to the room to the other, his hands behind his back. His arms were tense, his hands grabbing each other so tight Harry could see his knuckles going white.
“Okay yes, I lied” Harry relented. He’d rather reveal what he’d done than have an angry and hurt Severus “but it isn’t what you think, honest.”
“What?! You dare lie to my face?!” Severus shouted, spitting, his arms flailing “do you think I’m stupid?”
“No, I’m telling the truth,” Harry said in a much lower tone “I went to buy stuff for Christmas.”
“Of course, what a clever idea,” Severus said, his words dripping sarcasm. "Let’s go to Diagon Alley, which is packed on a Saturday afternoon, so anyone can recognize the Savior of the world!”
“I wasn’t at Diagon Alley” Harry answered, not taking the bait.
He knew what Severus was doing, he was trying to take out his frustrations and anger at being lied to, which was understandable. Being confrontational was the only way he knew how. But Harry stood his ground, trying to keep his own anger in check, wanting to retort but holding back. He’d seen before how responding with more anger didn’t bode well for either of them, and he didn’t want to repeat the experience.
He truly wanted to tell Severus where he’d been, but he didn’t want to spoil the surprise for him.
“I can’t tell you where I was, but I swear, I was only doing some shopping. That’s all.”
Severus stopped, giving his back and falling silent. Harry could hear his agitated breathing, could see his shoulders heaving with each breath. He turned around suddenly, his cloak and his raven hair billowing with his movement.
“Shopping? Really? You didn’t go anywhere else?”
“Where else would I go in mid-December?” he asked, but shook his head. “I’m telling the truth, Severus, I swear. I’d suggest you use Legilimancy on me, but you’d see what I bought. And that would spoil your surprise, wouldn’t it?”
At those words, Severus’s eyes spiked up and widened. His anger seemed to vanish completely in a second.
“That was... it for me?”
Harry smiled sadly. Evidently, he would’ve never guessed the presents were for him.
“Of course it was,” he said, his voice low.
Then, with caution still, he walked a few paces until he was in front of Severus. One of his hands cupped his cheek, which was reddened by the freezing temperatures outside, and it felt ice cold. His thumb caressed the skin, trying to give it some warmth.
Though his eyes were still narrowed, they had lost most of the harshness in them, and he saw Severus close them and gasp as he felt his fingers on his skin. He leaned his face on his hand, seeking more contact, and Harry was still amazed at how starved for touch he was. His heart seemed to melt in his chest, he could never resist it when he could see, plain as day, Severus seeking his touch and comfort.
“Who would I like to spend money on, if it wasn’t on you, Severus?”
“I can think of a few” Severus answered, lowering his eyes “your friends, the Weasleys... Hagrid...”
Harry shook his head.
“Yes, obviously, but that’s a given and I can order that on the post” Harry answered and then smiled. “I wanted your stuff to be extra special. And I haven’t finished yet.”
“There’s more?”
“I still need a couple of other things, but yes,” he said. “I’m not hiding anything else from you.”
Severus kept his eyes downcast, his shoulders hunched. He seemed deflated.
“Forgive me” he whispered, and his voice sounded terribly sad “I jumped to conclusions... I didn’t see you at the match and thought... I thought...”
Severus stopped, the words dying in his mouth, but Harry didn’t need it to be spelt out. He had an inkling of what had crossed his mind.
“It’s alright. I see I should’ve told you, but I really wanted it to be a surprise” Harry said.
“And I’ve spoiled it, as always...”
“No, you didn’t. You still don’t know what I got you” Harry said, smiling. Then he nuzzled his nose, giggling “and don’t think I’ll ever tell you, not even if you offer me a thousand treacle tarts!”
With that, a smile finally tugged at the corners of Severus’s lips. Harry giggled and pressed a kiss on his cheek, letting one of his hands wander towards his hair, fondling it with affection.
“Remember, Severus. I would never lie to you to hurt you” he whispered, his fingers playing with the black strands. “I only wanted to surprise you, that's all.”
Harry saw Severus’s cheeks flushing and he smiled. Merlin’s beard, had no one looked after this man in over forty years?
“You don’t need to waste money on me...”
“I know a bit of your opinion on money. But if it’s on you, it’s not wasted” Harry answered with confidence.
Harry grabbed one of his hands and coaxed him towards the sofa, they both sat down close together. While Severus hadn’t thrown himself at his arms, he had rested his body against him, hiding his face against his neck. That, more than anything, told him how much Severus felt sorry for the misunderstanding.
“Sev, come on...” he tried to cheer him up, caressing his hair “it’s alright, you did nothing wrong..."
“I just... when I tried to find you and didn’t see you there, I just...” Severus whispered. He was struggling to find the words and he shook his head, pressing himself further against Harry “I know it’s irrational, but not seeing you there made me think that you’d disappeared... that you’d finally seen reason...”
Severus shook his head again, unable to speak. His arms tightened around Harry’s torso, his fear showing in the way he clung to him. Now that the anger had completely vanished, it let Harry see how real Severus’s terror of him leaving was.
“Oh, Sev...” he whispered, his arms wrapping tight around the man “I don’t have to ‘see reason’. I already do...”
Harry sighed, not knowing what to say or do.
He knew Severus’s fears ran deep and he wouldn’t be convinced with this one time. This was a work of countless days, time after time, of telling and showing Severus that he was here to stay.
“Shhh, it’s alright. I know it’s going to take time, and a few months are not enough” Harry whispered “but I don’t want to go anywhere that isn’t with you, Severus. Anywhere...”
He leaned over and nuzzled his temple, pressing his nose against the cold, ashen skin of the Potions Master.
He hated when Severus was like this. Fighting was normal, he was already used to it, they’d been fighting since the day they’d met. But after each one of their fights, after his anger had finally vanished, it only left an emotional and upset Severus.
Harry appreciated that he sought him out now. He wasn’t avoiding him and hiding in his rooms like he used to do in the past, but he was actively seeking comfort from him. That in itself was a huge step, and Harry was proud of him for that.
But still. It hurt to see Severus so shaken up.
He let him rest his head against his shoulder, and he pulled him in a bit more. He kissed the top of his head, slowly and repeatedly, taking a deep breath and smelling Severus’s honey-scented shampoo on his hair.
“I’m sorry...” he heard Severus mumble against him, as he burrowed himself further against his clothes.
Harry shook his head and wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer.
“No, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. After all, your reaction is completely normal” Harry answered. “Next time I’ll make sure to tell you, okay?
Severus nodded but said nothing, only taking deep breaths. Harry felt his breathing tickling his skin, he could feel his arms around him. Severus’s long fingers had grasped his jumper, clutching it and not letting go. He burrowed his face further against his skin, rubbing his cheek against his neck, he seemed to be trying to commit his scent to memory. Harry only held him, softly humming, until he could feel Severus relax.
He hated his lack of foresight. He was so caught up in creating this big surprise for Severus, in buying the Little stuff he wanted to gift to him.. that he hadn’t realized he’d actually disappeared without saying a word to him. He felt like a punch to his gut when he realized what Severus must’ve felt. To desperately trying to locate his green eyes and wild mop of black hair and not seeing him. His fear in thinking that was it, that Harry had left for good.
It didn’t make much sense, there were a hundred reasons why Harry could be missing the match. And the fact that Severus had correlated Harry’s absence with the fact that he’d got tired of him also didn’t make much sense.
But Harry was familiar with Severus’s thought processes. While he was able to make calculating decisions and use his vast intellect, when it came to his own demons, Severus’s thoughts didn’t make much sense. He hadn’t been looking at Harry’s absence from a game of Quidditch, he had been looking at Harry’s exit from his life. And that was something Severus didn’t seem to be able to cope with.
Harry pressed his lips to the top of his head, something heavy settling in his chest. His heart cracked every time he was able to see the extent to which Severus was terrified of him leaving, and he didn’t want him to feel that ever again.
“So... you’re staying for Christmas Day?” Severus asked after a while.
Harry looked down with a small smile on his lips.
“Of course I am. I was hoping to spend it with my boy...” Harry said, his voice hopeful “if you have no other plans, that is.”
“I have not,” Severus said, his voice low, and Harry saw him avoiding his gaze. His smile grew wider and he pressed a spontaneous kiss on his temple.
Harry started to imagine what this Christmas would be like. To spend the evening together, huddled up on the sofa like they were doing now, clad in their pyjamas and fluffy socks, and...
And suddenly, Harry remembered something Ron had told him ages ago.
“Oh, shit...” Harry whispered. He had completely forgotten about it.
Severus, hearing Harry’s curse, moved from his hidden place and looked at him with a raised eyebrow, questioning.
“I’m sorry, Severus. But on Boxing Day I won’t be here...” Harry said, “Ron told me Mrs Weasley was preparing a party; since Ginny will have a few days off...”
The change was immediate. He felt Severus tense in his arms, and he felt him nodding.
“Of course” he answered, his voice detached.
Harry sighed.
“I don’t want to go, Severus. Not if it means leaving you here alone” he said. Then, an idea came to his mind “I could speak to Mrs Weasley and ask her to invite you if you want.”
“Harry, you can’t go inviting me to other people’s houses” Severus retorted, although his voice was soft.
“I know it’s not polite, but it’s not just people. It’s the Weasleys” Harry answered, “and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.”
“I’m not so sure...” he heard Severus mumble.
“I am. They all know your role, they know you fought with us until the end. And that you almost died for the cause. And Ron and Hermione know about us, so they can even warn the rest of the family if it concerns you” Harry answered. “Besides, you’ve been with them before at Grimmauld Place. Would it really be that much different?”
“Of course it would” Severus answered. “Back then we were at Order meetings, and I made myself scarce as soon as they were over. Now... it would seem like I’m intruding.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s family, Harry. Your family, even if it’s an adopted one” he said.
Harry sighed, the silence deafening. The words I am not family went unsaid, but neither of them acknowledged them hanging in the air.
“Okay, okay I get it. I just... I hate the thought of leaving you here alone” Harry mumbled under his breath.
Harry saw Severus take a deep breath.
“I’ll ask Minerva and Albus for tea if it makes you feel better.”
“You will?” Harry asked, feeling his heart a bit lighter. He didn’t like the idea of leaving without Severus, but he didn’t have the heart to refuse Mrs Weasley’s invitation either.
“Yes. Despite my best efforts, I find the idea of spending the day here in the dungeons also... unappealing.”
Harry nodded.
It wasn’t ideal, and Severus was apprehensive enough to have spoken to Harry about his feelings. But it couldn’t be helped. And at least knowing Severus wouldn’t be spending the day alone made Harry feel infinitely better. Satisfied enough, Harry held him tighter and pressed loud kisses on his cheek repeatedly.
Severus grunted and groaned, but he didn’t make any effort to push him away. Harry smirked, even when he was an adult and pretended to complain, it was obvious he enjoyed his attentions.
“But Boxing Day, that’s it. Don’t you think you’ll get rid of me the rest of the holidays!” Harry warned.
“A most difficult burden, I’m sure, but I’ll endure it,” Severus said dramatically, but a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips.
Harry giggled and nudged him on his ribcage, and Severus returned the gesture, his smile growing bigger. Then, Harry sighed as he rested against him, his heart full and content.
After a while, Severus’s voice came small and unsure.
“Harry?”
“Mmh?”
“You don’t mind that... you have to spend Christmas with me?”
Harry knew Severus had been thinking about that question for the last minutes. Had been debating whether to voice his thoughts or not, had been possibly afraid of the answer.
But Harry was determined to make him see.
“I don’t ‘have to stay’, as you put it. I stay because I want to” he answered.
Then he moved, feeling like he needed to dispel the air and Severus’s fears. He shifted to be able to look at Severus better, sitting on the sofa with crossed legs, his knees brushing Severus’s thigh.
“Okay Severus, I want you to listen to me very carefully.”
He waited until he could feel Severus’s black eyes focus on him, his entire body looking toward him. He could feel his legs gently brushing against him, and he didn’t fight against the urge to grab one of his hands and place it between his. Severus’s hands were always cold. He wrapped it with his smaller but warmer fingers, trying to infuse warmth.
When he looked up again, Severus’s eyes were fixed on him, focused and sharp.
“You are not my second best, or the one I’m stuck with. I have no other plans and I don’t need them” Harry explained. “Christmas is a time to share with people you love to have in your life. And that’s why I want to spend it with you.”
Severus was silent, listening to Harry’s words. He seemed to be clutching at them desperately, as though they were the last drops of water in a desert. He kept looking at Harry, slightly bewildered, his mouth agape.
“You want to?”
His eyes were wide in shock and confusion, and Harry felt a pang of sadness at seeing how incredulous he seemed to be.
“Of course I do...” he whispered. Then he leaned closer “I know our relationship has grown quite fast, but that doesn’t mean it’s less strong. And I don’t want to spend the holiday with anyone else...”
Harry leaned even closer, nuzzling his nose with his in an affectionate gesture.
“I don’t want to leave, Sev. I wouldn’t trade what we have now for anything...”
Severus nodded but said nothing, he seemed incapable of words at the moment. Harry took the chance to explain himself, perhaps that way Severus would understand.
“I guess you haven’t had many nice Christmas in your life, and you fail to understand why all the fuss,” Harry said. "But it goes beyond the decorations, presents and carols.”
He stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers, feeling it a bit warmer now.
“Children can feel the magic of Christmas. It’s beautiful to see them excited to open the presents, to see their eyes lit up the room...” Harry said, “and I want to give that same chance to my little boy.”
He saw Severus about to interrupt, probably to protest against receiving gifts, but he put a hand in the air and pressed on.
“But it’s not only that. It’s not even about you being Little, Severus. It’s about giving you the gift of Christmas” he continued. “I want you to feel the warmth in your soul, and to know that, no matter what happens, you have someone with you now. I am here to stay.”
Severus fell silent, avoiding Harry’s gaze. He didn’t force him to look at him, knowing he needed time to collect himself. His fingers kept stroking his cheek with slow, gentle movements.
“We can also bake, eat as much chocolate éclair as we want, read, brew or play...” Harry said. Then, his voice went down a notch, low and raspy “and I want to finish this year with you. To count down the seconds to the next, knowing that no matter what the New Year throws at us, we will be facing it together.”
Harry himself hadn’t realized how much he’d spoken until he saw Severus avoiding his gaze. The curtain of hair covered half his face, though he still could see his cheeks bright red, and they felt hot to the touch. He seemed overwhelmed.
“You are a liar, Harry Potter” Severus whispered, finally looking up, his voice breathy “you once told me you are not eloquent. But you are.”
Harry smiled and leaned, pressing a kiss to the tip of Severus’s crooked nose.
“It’s you, Severus. You make my inner melodramatic Shakespeare show up” Harry said, fighting a smile. He couldn’t when he saw a small smile tug at the corners of his lips, and he grinned, widely and openly.
“I won’t make you do anything you don’t want, so I’m going to ask,” he said “do you want that too, Severus? Do you want to spend Christmas with me?”
Severus then opened this eyes and blinked, focusing on him.
And Harry felt breathless for a split second.
Severus’s eyes felt like fire. Harry noticed the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and he felt a shudder born at the base of his spine. The flame that had been weak suddenly came alive, and it was threatening to engulf him.
But Harry felt no fear.
It was a warm embrace of a dear old friend after a long time apart. Ice cream on a sunny morning in July. Hot cocoa in the dead of the winter.
Harry smiled.
“I do.”
He needed no more words.
Harry smiled wide, so wide he felt his cheeks hurt, but he didn’t mind. Severus answered with a smile of his own, and he rested his forehead against Harry’s, their breaths mixing.
“You are mad” he whispered, his eyes closed and a small smile tugging on his lips “and I must be going mad too to be doing this with you..."
“Mad people are the best” Harry only answered in a whisper “and I’m happy to share my madness with you.”
They sat there, their foreheads pressed together, Harry’s hand on Severus’s hair and caressing the back of his neck for what seemed like an eternity. Until Severus finally moved away and blinked, focusing on him.
“Okay. So, since we’re going to do this, what do you say we decorate your rooms?” Harry suggested, “put up a Christmas tree, and light it up a bit?”
“You want to put Christmas decorations?” Severus asked, his voice incredulous.
“Well, we need a Christmas tree so you can receive your presents, don’t we?” Harry said, and smiled at Severus’s blush “come on, it’ll be fun!”
And so that was that Harry asked Hagrid to get them a tree for his rooms. The following evening found Severus and Harry, together, deciding what decorations to put up.
And after they finished they both sat on the sofa, admiring their handiwork. They both were nursing a mug of hot cocoa and sharing a blanket to keep the cold of the dungeons away. They didn’t talk much, but Harry felt they didn’t need to.
The contentment and happiness he felt were enough.
I was thinking about Petunia's letter to Dumbledore that Lily and Snape find in her room. It seems Severus was pretty comfortable in Evans' house and didn't afraid of being caught by Lily's parents. There is a striking difference between Evans and Snape families' welfare, so probably not every parent would be happy if their daughter became friends with that dirty street child. But Lily's parents was okay to Snape occasionally hanging around in Lily's room. Maybe they invited him to have a dinner with them sometimes (Severus was probably all red, uncomfortable and awkward during this dinners - and Petunia just furious). Maybe they even tried to provide him with normal clothes, but Severus probably refused - out of pride, of course (and out of fear of his father's reaction). Oh, and Lily's parents was probably fascinating with him being a little wizard - just as Lily herself. They after all fully accepted their daughter being a witch. So it's nice that Snape could have a little acceptance while he was badly mistreated at home.
