Do You Feel the Love?
° genre: friends to lovers, slow-burn(ish), non-idol AU
° warnings: slight language warning, alcohol mentioned, small talk about sex positions but not really explicit
° pairing: Joshua x Seokmin (DK)
° summary: The 3 times Joshua tells Seokmin he loves him, and the one time Seokmin says it back.
° word count: 10k
This fic was made for the Clownracha January prompt (self-indulgent). Purely based on the song Double Take if you could not tell from the title. I’m still obsessed with Joshua’s cover and I had to write this. I didn’t expect it to turn out how it did but it exists now. So, enjoy
Joshua isn’t the kind of person to spurge on anyone, not even himself. He tends to know where to spend his money and how much. Once in a while, he may buy something outrageous but that’s something rare. Blame it on his childhood. However, there is one person who he would buy the moon for. Someone he would give him anything he wanted, even if it cost him an arm and a leg.
Seokmin.
Joshua would do anything for Seokmin. He wants Joshua’s last fall collection for free? He’d get it. He wants to go to Beyoncé’s Renaissance tour? Joshua’s taking him to all of the stops and will find a way for Seokmin to meet her. Seokmin asks for the stars, Joshua will give him the universe. Joshua loves Seokmin. It’s that simple.
Well… kind of.
See, Joshua could do all of these things for Seokmin but it’ll only be seen as a friendly gesture. Seokmin doesn’t know his best friend’s true feelings and Joshua doesn’t plan on telling him. At least not now. He’s thought about it for a few years now, his crush starting when they first hung out in high school. All of those years of just watching Seokmin fall in and out of love with other people. All of those years of hoping Seokmin would notice, would eventually like him back and maybe even confess first. Deep inside Joshua knew it wouldn’t happen. He wanted to wait his turn, but maybe he was just waiting in the wrong line. So, instead of hoping, he settled. He settled for the best friend role. He settled for just being by his side. It was honestly better than confessing and not having Seokmin at all if he didn’t return his feelings. Regardless, Joshua let Seokmin know his romantic love for him subtly, disguising it as platonic love.
1
“Why are we here? I thought you said we were going to a small cafe or something like that.”
“Well, it’s not a total lie.”
Joshua ushered Seokmin to a two-person table in the back of the dessert bar, DejaVu. The place was clean with a rustic and cozy design. Seokmin didn’t understand why it was a bit dim inside, but he went along with it. Glancing around, he noticed the hanging plants and weird little knickknacks that littered the store, Fairy lights decorating some of the darker areas. From what he could see, the menu was that weird cursive font that’s kind of hard to read but clearly the owner didn’t care because it’s part of the aesthetic. Well to hell with aesthetics, how was he supposed to know what he wanted if he couldn’t even read the damn thing? Then again, Seokmin had no worries since Joshua made his way to the front where the counter was and ordered for both of them. He waited a few minutes until Joshua came back with his receipt and a slight smile on his face.
“How much was my order?”
Joshua waved him off, “Don’t worry about it.”
Seokmin sighed at that. Here they go again. Joshua buying things for him and not letting Sokmin pay him back. “No, tell me. I already owe you for dinner last week.”
“No you don’t. I told you, I’ll pay for you. Now, enjoy my company!”
“We’re not doing this again-”
“Seokmin,” Joshua called out with a stern voice. That was Seokmin’s sign to drop it. He knew Joshua wasn’t gonna let him pull out his wallet, not when he’s around. He rolled his eyes and looked around more. The place should’ve been cozy, but Seokmin couldn’t sit back. His right leg was shaking and Seokmin just felt out of place. The other customers around them looked rich, acted rich. They each had their own eccentric style and it just made him feel as if he was an outsider barging in on their rich people's space. He just didn’t belong.
Joshua noticed the look on his face and nudged Seokmin’s foot with his own. The man jumped up a bit and directed his attention to him.
“I know that look on your face. Calm down.”
“How Shua? I don’t even get why you brought me here. It’s expensive and the people here are kinda weird,” he whispered to the smirking man. He was right. DejaVu is not cheap, the lowest thing on the menu being more than what Seokmin makes in one vocal session. He may be exaggerating but who knows, there’s no price on the menu that he can’t read! And he was right about the people there. Joshua glanced a bit at the man at the table nearby, seeing him cut some weird dessert that he didn’t know the name of and eating the bigger piece. Who was he kidding, it was practically the whole dessert. Maybe they should’ve gotten it to-go.
“You may have a point,” Seokmin hummed at that, “but I’ve always wanted to try this place and I didn’t want to come alone.”
“Then why didn’t you bring one of your rich friends?”
“Cause you’re my best friend,” Joshua smiled at the man, hoping to cheer him up. “Also, I know you’ve been stressed lately, and I want to treat you.”
Seokmin rolled his eyes, crossing his arms across his chest. He hated that Joshua was right. Work had been stressing him, with rude people thinking that they were better than him and jumping the gun on their lessons and overbearing parents asking for him to go over the usual time so that their child can have the perfect voice. His job wasn’t hell, in fact he enjoyed helping others reach their potential and digging deep within themselves and producing the best sound they could, but there’s always that one person who ruins it. Or several.
Before he could speak, one of the employees delivered their desserts, carefully placing them on the table. They thanked the man and grabbed their utensils.
“Alright, this one should be the Golden Phoenix. It’s supposed to have Amedei Porcelana chocolate, Ugandan vanilla beans, and something that I can’t remember. This one is the Green Lady, it’s just a matcha green tea cake. Oh, and I got both of us a chocolate truffle each.”
Seokmin didn’t know what the hell those ingredients were and why they were needed for this small cupcake. Why not use store-bought ingredients? Hopefully the matcha cake wasn’t made of unnecessary ingredients. And don’t get him started on the truffles. He knew those were expensive, but he would leave it alone this time since he’s always wanted to try them. Seokmin looked back to the expensive looking cupcake and went to poke at it.
“Umm, what’s this on top of it?”
“Edible gold.”
Seokmin almost choked on his own spit. “Are you serious? Like real gold?”
“Yes. I don’t get why you’re surprised. You’ve had it before.”
“I have?” He doesn’t recall such a thing. Seokmin would definitely remember if he’s eaten a currency before. Is gold even used as currency anymore?
“Yeah, you had gold flakes on your birthday cake last year.” Seokmin’s mind was blown right now. He left that topic alone, now knowing that Joshua lied to him about how much his birthday cake actually cost.
“How much was all of this?”
“Didn’t I tell you not to worry about it?”
“I know but come on. I’ll find out eventually.”
Joshua playfully glared at him. He doubted it. He pushed the cupcake to him and took the matcha cake for himself. To distract Seokmin, he started up a conversation about a trailer for a movie he saw last week. It was a good distraction since Seokmin was eating the desserts without a second thought. Joshua eventually just listened to Seokmin talk the whole time, enjoying the glow on the man’s face as he talked about when one of his students brought their dog into his home studio yesterday. He wanted to put a smile on the man’s face when he talked about a restaurant getting his order wrong, but not saying anything because he was anxious to say something about it. He let him go on and on with no complaints. Yeah, he was whipped.
Whipped for the man who will never be his. For the man who will always be his best friend.
Joshua felt his smile almost drop at that thought. He didn’t want to seem ungrateful or selfish, but he wanted to be more with Seokmin. He didn’t want to be stuck in the friend zone. Is he willing to risk their friendship? Maybe. Confess and possibly lose Seokmin, or stay silent and just be glad that he’s in his life? These are the choices that he didn’t want to choose.
For now though, he’ll stay quiet. He’ll stay quiet as they finish their sweet treats. He’ll stay quiet as they walk along the sidewalks, enjoying the fresh air and the noises of the city. He’ll stay quiet as they walk along the cobblestone path of the city garden where the most beautiful flowers of different species grow and the butterflies roam.
He wanted to stay quiet, but he had to let one phrase out, one sentence that meant everything to him but not the same to Seokmin.
“Hey, Minnie.”
“Yeah Shua?”
“I love you.”
2
Joshua didn’t want to be here, but he had to. The music wasn’t too loud but that didn’t matter since there were a lot of people in the large event space. Sadly, there were no seats available except for the ones by the bar that were currently sat in. He squeezed his way through the crowd, getting stopped every second by someone complimenting him or congratulating him. He couldn’t properly thank who was complimenting him since the place was dim. Why is every spot he goes to dim? And along with that, he had to dodge anyone who bumped into him or almost spilled their drink.
Why did he even go to these things?
He needed a break.
Just a few hours ago, Joshua had a show for his new spring collection. The fashion show went great. The venue was amazing, it being held at his friend’s art studio (Thank you, Taehyung). There may have been a few slip-ups with the clothing, but that was quickly fixed backstage and no one in the crowd knew. Overall, it was a success and honestly he wanted to go home right after. It’s tiring planning a whole show by yourself. Well, not exactly by himself since he did have his team to do the difficult tasks. Still, creating the clothes and running the show is hard. He had to make everything perfect, not for the critics and other designers there, but for Seokmin. This was the first fashion show that he was able to make and Joshua needed everything to go right. Luckily it did because after the show, Seokmin found him packing up and the look on his face made Joshua’s night. He looked so proud of his best friend, showering him with praises until they made it to the after party. He was having a good time at first, Seokmin being stuck to his side since he didn’t know anyone there. The place was filled with models, designers, and celebrities. All there to get drunk and post on social media. They went around with flutes of champagne in their hands and people occasionally came by to say something to Joshua.
He only left Seokmin for a second to talk to his assistant, and he lost him. So now, Joshua was searching for him. He knew he should’ve had him come with, but Seokmin kept insisting that he would be okay alone. Who swept him away?
Joshua traveled to the outskirts of the crowd and found the person he was looking for. Seokmin was leaning on one of the small tables talking to someone. Tall, dark haired male. He was clearly flexing his biceps that were on full display since he had a sleeveless top on. His charming smile made Joshua sick. Coming closer, he realized who the gorgeous idiot was.
Mingyu.
Really, one of his models?
The betrayal he felt was immense, even though he shouldn’t feel that way. Mingyu doesn’t know about his infatuation, his love for Seokmin. He probably doesn’t even know that they came together. It’s not Mingyu’s fault that Seokmin was attractive. He was the flame and everyone else were moths, flying closer and closer to him. It’s not his fault that Seokmin could pull anyone from the party. He could take anyone home, and it looks like Mingyu will be the lucky man.
Maybe he should do something about it.
No, he shouldn’t. Seokmin looks like he’s having a good time. He’s laughing at whatever Mingyu is whispering to him in his ear. He’s letting the man hold his hand, touch his shoulder. The sight was making Joshua sick, to be honest.
Now, Joshua isn’t usually a jealous man. If Seokmin is interested in someone, then he leaves it alone and supports him. However, seeing a hand travel to Seokmin’s waist was the last straw. He thought about letting Sekomin have fun with the model, but for some reason he didn’t want that to happen tonight.
He’s drunk, that’s why. Joshua convinced himself.
With that in mind, he made his way over to the two. He placed a hand on Seokmin’s shoulder, causing the man to jump slightly and look to see who was behind him.
“SHUAAA, you’re back! Oh, you know Mingyu, right?”
“Yeah, I do. Thanks for being in the show by the way,” Joshua said the last part to the smiling man, putting out a hand.
“No, thank you! I’ve always wanted to model for you,” Mingyu excitedly told the designer, taking his hand and roughly shaking it. Clearly, he was unaware of his own strength. Joshua turned his attention to Seokmin. “I have to sadly leave early. I have a meeting tomorrow morning so if you’re ready we can go ahead and leave.”
Seokmin whined a bit, not wanting to leave Mingyu and the free drinks. “Do you really have to?”
He didn’t but he wasn’t gonna say that out loud. “Yes. Now say goodbye to Mingyu.”
“Bye Mingyu,” Seokmin grumbled and started to follow his friend out.
“Oh wait,” Mingyu caught his hand. “Can I get-” He was interrupted by someone he knew pulling him to god knows where.
Seokmin looked back for a second but was continuously dragged by Joshua. “Wait, but I didn’t get his number.”
“You’ll get it later.”
“How?”
Joshua rolled his eyes at that. Did he already forget that he knew Mingyu? Leaving that thought alone, he ushered Seokmin out of the venue and to the valet where the worker was fetching his car.
“Why are we going home so early,” Seokmin asked.
“I told you, I have a meeting tomorrow.” Joshua placed Seokmin’s arm over his shoulder and held his waist. He wasn’t exactly drunk but he was getting there. He didn’t count how many glasses he had, but he was sure that he probably had something to drink before the party.
“Ok then, why am I going home early?”
“I’m not leaving you alone with thousands of strangers.”
Seokmin pouted, “But I had Gyu and he’s not a stranger.”
“Ok Seokmin.” And Joshua left it at that. Truth be told, there was a small feeling in him that just didn’t want Seokmin to be with Mingyu. It’s not that he thinks the model is a bad guy or anything, but he just couldn’t leave Seokmin with him.
The valet arrived and passed the keys to him. Joshua carefully put Seokmin in the passenger’s seat, buckling him in. He tipped the valet and went to the driver’s side, getting in and pulling off. For the whole ride, Seokmin quietly sang to the playlist Joshua randomly put on. The windows were down, allowing cool air in the car and softly blowing Seokmin’s bangs out of his face. Joshua was tempted to take the longest route to Seokmin’s place. He didn’t want to disturb the serene scene next to him. Seokmin looked at peace, only minutes from falling asleep. At every red light, Joshua looked over to see if he was okay, and every time Seokmin would look over and smile, signaling that he was.
Joshua loved when he smiled. The outer corner of his eyes wrinkled up a bit, his pearly whites showing off.
If only this moment could last, Joshua thought. Technically, he could make it last. He just doesn’t know how Seokmin would feel about a 3 or so hour long car ride. Then again, Seokmin was always down for anything Joshua planned. But alas, the night had to end somehow. Also, he needed to get the tipsy man home to rest. Arriving at Seokmin's apartment, Joshua turned the car off and went to get him from the passenger’s seat. Before he could open the door, Seokmin was already taking his seat belt off and trying to push the door open without using the handle. Joshua laughed a bit and tried to cover it with a cough, opening the door for him. Seokmin looked up with worry.
“Are you getting sick?”
“No, just clearing my throat. Now come on, let’s get you up the stairs.”
“Are you sure? I can make a mean chicken noodle soup for you.”
“You don’t need to,” Joshua carried him out of the car and locked the door. He struggled a bit seeing that Seokmin kept trying to push him off, but he eventually got him to the second floor of his apartment building and unlocked the door. He left Seokmin to take his own shoes off as he did the same. He placed both his hands on each of the man’s shoulders and directed him to his bedroom.
“I don’t know why you’re helping me, I’m not drunk.”
“Yeah, but I know you’re getting sleepy.”
“Wrong.”
“I’m right.”
Seokmin was about to retort back, but Joshua lightly pushed him to lay on his bed. Seokmin grumbled but it was muffled by the covers on his bed. Joshua went to get the shower ready and picked out his night clothes. He left the room and headed to the kitchen to grab a water bottle out of the fridge and went back to set it on the nightstand next to the pain medicine he grabbed earlier. With everything ready, Joshua checked on Seokmin to make sure he didn’t fall asleep before he could get ready for bed. Shaking him, the man groaned and lifted his head a bit.
“Do you think you can get ready on your own?”
“Of course I can, I’m not a child.”
“Yeah, whatever. The shower’s ready and I already have pjs out for you.”
“Thanks mom.” Joshua cringed at that. Being mom-zoned is definitely worse than being friend-zoned. He hummed and went to leave.
“I’m headed out. Don’t collapse.”
“I won’t.”
Should I say it? It won’t matter… not in the way I want it to matter to him.
“I love you.”
“Mmmm,” Seokmin hummed. Joshua furrowed his brows. Did he fall asleep? He went over to the man and shook him.
“Mmm, I’m up, I’m up.”
Joshua made sure Seokmin got up and went to the bathroom before saying their goodbyes and he left the apartment.
Idiot.
3
“You sure I should be here?”
“Yes please. I’ve been bored just stuck in the house all day and since you won’t let me leave-” Seokmin stopped as he felt a sneeze coming, but was ultimately disappointed as it went away.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m just trying to help you.”
Seokmin rolled his eyes as Joshua passed him a box of tissues and a warm mug filled with a cup of tea. For the past few days, Seokmin has been sick with the flu and because he’s a good friend, Joshua forced him to quarantine. Joshua hasn’t even been in his room, only dropping necessities off at his bedroom door. So now since Seokmin claims to feel better, Joshua decided it was a fine time to have a movie night at Seokmin’s place. That way, he can finally have some type of human interaction that he was deprived of. Also, Joshua was just tired of Seokmin constantly calling him, complaining and whining that he’ll die being holed up in his room.
“I swear.. if I get sick, I’m killing you.”
“You’re not going to get sick. I feel better, I promise.”
The skeptical man rolled his eyes and went back to the kitchen to grab all of the prepped snacks: popcorn, various types of candies, and chips. He went back to the living room to see Seokmin scrolling through the romance section on Netflix.
Oh…
Joshua was very tempted to tell Seokmin to pick another genre. He doesn’t think he would be able to handle romance movies right now. At least, not with Seokmin right by his side. It would just make him feel worse about his feelings towards Seokmin. You’d think that they would be inspiring, allowing Joshua to get ideas on how to get out of the friend-zone, but they don’t. He only ends up with deprecating thoughts on how he’ll never get a happy ending. He ends up comparing himself with the male lead or the love interest in the movie. Sure, he’s as handsome as them and maybe even the same level of charming. Not to blow up his own ego, but he would be the perfect male lead. He has everything that others want in a man… but there’s just that one thing that’s missing and he has no idea what it is. Just that one thing that differentiates him and these characters. It could be the boldness or the audacity. Whatever it is that these characters have, he doesn’t have it and that’s, in his eyes, the reason why Seokmin will never be with him.
Wow, that was depressing.
Joshua ended his thoughts and laid all of the food on the long coffee table. He grabbed the extra blanket that lay on the armchair next to the couch and sat near Seokmin.
“Find anything yet?”
Seokmin sighed at the question. “Not really. Either I’ve watched it before or I’m not interested. Or my least favorite actor is starring in the movie.”
It took about 5 minutes but they finally found a rom-com to watch. From reading the synopsis, it seemed like a cliche movie, which worked since those types of movies are Seokmin’s guilty pleasures and Joshua will watch anything that Seokmin wanted to watch, even if the acting made him want to cut his ears off and claw his eyeballs out.
Yeah, it was that bad.
But Seokmin liked it.
And what Seokmin liked, Joshua loved.
Except for Mingyu.
Which reminded Joshua “Hey, have you heard from Mingyu recently?”
“Eh, not really. We haven’t talked since last weekend.”
“What’s going on?”
He was curious. At the party last month, Seokmin was all over Mingyu, his eyes in the shape of hearts as he laughed at every one of Mingyu’s jokes which probably weren’t that funny. The day after the party, Mingyu practically begged Joshua for Seokmin’s number. He was reluctant, but eventually gave in. The two went on a few dates and from what Seokmin told him after each one, it seemed like they were hitting it off. Seemed like Mingyu truly liked Seokmin. He expected them to be in a relationship by now, but things seemed to be opposite of his expectations.
“Nothing really. I mean Mingyu is great, but I’m finding out he’s not really my type.”
“Really,” Joshua gasped. He didn’t expect that. Mingyu totally seemed like a perfect fit for Seokmin: tall, muscular with a nice, firm chest, pretty smile, terrible jokes but somehow Seokmin found them funny. He also knew that Mingyu was a great cook. The last time Mingyu modeled for him, he generously brought lunch for him and the other few models that were there. Joshua couldn’t beat that. But since Seokmin said he wasn’t his type… then what the hell is his type?
“Yeah, and you’d think that he was. But yeah, I think it’d only work as a fling maybe.”
“Then… what is your type?” Joshua held his breath waiting for the answer. He swears, if it’s the total opposite of him, he’ll cause a ruckus. Then again, he can’t do anything about that. He’s not in control of Seokmim’s preference, of what he finds attractive.
“I don’t know. I guess someone who’s kind, charming, and I guess, like, someone who’s able to calm me down whether I’m too hyped or anxious.”
Joshua took in his words. “I think Mingyu could be that.” God it hurt him to say that.
“I guess. But I prefer someone down to Earth, someone who likes the same things I do.”
“And I’m sure he can be that if he isn’t already.”
“That’s true. Then again, I want someone older. I barely can take care of myself, you think I can take care of someone younger than me.”
“You’re not gonna be taking care of him. He’s a grown ass man, I’m sure he can take care of himself.”
“He’s also a bottom.”
Joshua froze at that, his brain processing what was just said.
“What?”
“Yeah, Mingyu is most definitely a bottom,” Seokmin shrugged.
“Ho-how do you know that?”
Seokmin rolled his eyes as if it was obvious. “I know a bottom when I see one. I know my people. He may be all tall and big, but he is definitely a bottom. Matter of fact I bet he’s a pillow princess.”
Joshua was speechless at Seokmin’s assumption. He guessed that made sense but it was still a bit shocking to hear from the man next to him. Now that Joshua thinks about it, he’s pretty lucky that Mingyu is younger than Seokmin.. and apparently a bottom. A pillow princess at that. If he was older and a top (maybe even a switch), Mingyu would be the perfect man for Seokmin.
Maybe he has a chance.
Maybe Seokmin was describing him. It was a long shot but one can hope.
Joshua kind of zoned out from the rest of the conversation. He really was thinking deeply on what Seokmin told him.
He’s kind and charming, at least he thinks so.
He can be down to Earth.
And Joshua is always there to be a rock for Seokmin. Always a call away when he needs him. Reliable.
And clearly they have a lot of things in common. They both enjoy similar genres of music. They both love anime, always binging a new show every other week. They both love the outdoors (However they like different activities. Seokmin would rather die than go biking or hiking).
And Joshua is older, by 2 years. He can take care of Seokmin. He already does and he’ll continue to do so. He’ll make sure that Seokmin never has to lift a finger, giving him anything he desires.
And Joshua is most definitely not a pillow princess…
All of this was making his head spin. Maybe he did have a chance. Maybe Seokmin was describing him the whole time. Maybe he was signaling to him to finally make a move.
All of these maybe’s.
He needed a definitive answer. He didn’t want to risk their relationship. He didn’t want to assume that Seokmjn felt the same way as he did. Just because some of the descriptors of Seokmin’s type matched up to who Joshu was as a person didn’t mean anything. It could just mean that he wants someone who’s similar to his best friend. Someone who his best friend will approve of.
Too bad for Seokmin because Joshua will approve of no one but himself.
Joshua didn’t even pay attention to the on-going movie. He was stuck in his thoughts, trying to figure out the hidden message, if there was one. Every once in a while, his doe eyes would glance over to Seokmin, wondering what was going on inside his head. The same thoughts circulating over and over again. Eventually, he kept his vision on the TV screen, the current movie’s conflict being resolved.
Was he in his head for that long? What was even going on in the movie? That didn’t matter and it’s not like Joshua wanted to go back to figure it out.
As the movie came to an end, Seokmin looked over to Joshua. “Ready for the next one?”
Joshua nodded. Seokmin went through the scrolling process again until he found the next enticing movie for the two to watch. Joshua picked up his phone to look at the time. It was close to 11. He could stay for this one. Honestly, he thought of just staying until Seokmin dozed off to sleep just so he could carry him to bed, tuck him in… and maybe try to find his journal (more like diary) that he knew Seokmin kept in his underwear drawer.
No, no he shouldn’t do that…
But he could.
But that’s an invasion of privacy.
But maybe Seokmin wrote somehow about him. About his feelings.
But then again.. what if he didn’t? What if there’s nothing in the journal about Joshua and Seokmin’s feelings for him?
And if he did try to go through it and there was something about Seokmin loving him back, what then? What would be the next steps? Confessing? Sure, but the thought of doing that made Joshua’s palms sweat. Made him a bit dizzy. What if he lost those feelings right that second? What if Seokmin rejects him out of sheer panic? It’s unlikely but it’s Seokmin.
Joshua sat there contemplating, missing another rom-com. Luckily he’s not attached to this one as well. In the middle of the movie, Seokmin eventually laid his head on Joshua’s shoulder. He knew he should be used to this but Joshua was almost panicking as if this simple motion, this simple contact would allow Seokmin to read his mind. He knew that was impossible, but sometimes the impossible can happen.
Alright, Joshua needed to get a grip on reality. Mind reading, really?
When will this movie night end?
He went to wipe his hands on his sweatpants but noticed how close Seokmin’s hand was to his. Fighting with his instincts to hold the man’s hand, Joshu eventually lost. Seokmin didn’t react much to it. Guess he was used to this type of affection, which made sense. He’s always cuddly and touchy with his other friends, specifically Seungkwan and Soonyoung. So why was Joshua a bit disappointed in the lack of response? This situation is just two best friends hanging out, cuddling on the couch…
Or this could be a sign…
Stop it Joshua. You’re a grown ass man, get yourself together and stop acting like a damn middle schooler with their crush.
As the movie was coming to an end, Joshua made a decision. Tired of being this sad, lonely man who can’t put his big boy pants on and confess. Yeah, they’re best friends and he didn’t want their relationship to change for the worse, but he had to get over that fear. No matter what happens, Seokmin will still be there by his side. They can get past the little awkward phase. Will Joshua be hurt? Of course, but he can get over it. If it’s not meant to be, he can’t force it. He can’t force Seokmin to love him the way he loves him.
It wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it would sure as hell feel like it.
…
Fuck it. Joshua thought. He can take a bit of pain.
“Seokmin… I just… I need to tell you something and I need you to listen. It’s not bad or anything. Well, I guess it depends on the outcome. Or maybe not, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just paranoid. But I want to tell you that,” Joshua breathed, ready to tell the man he loved what’s circulating in his head.
The thing that’s long overdue.
“I love you, and not just as your best friend. It’s more than platonic love, it’s just this strong feeling that I have. No matter what I do to forget these feelings, no matter how hard I try to push them away, you do something that just makes it hard to not love you, to not want to be with you. You’re always there to make me laugh, to cheer me on, to be a shoulder to cry on. You’re everything that I hope for in a partner. This sounds crazy, but I can picture our future together and I would probably do anything and everything to make it happen. Then again, you don’t have to love me back or anything, I just felt the need to tell you that you’re the love of my life and I don’t know what I’d do without you. And even if you hate me after this, I’ll still be there for you… I won’t be that crazy person that tries to prevent people from asking you out. Just whatever you say, however you feel about me, about us, know that I don’t want to lose you. Nothing has to change. It’d be great if you felt the same way, but if not, I’ll be okay. I’m okay with a little pain. Just as long as you’re with me, smiling that bright smile, I’ll be fine.”
As he finished his speech, Joshua balled his fist and became stiff waiting for Seokmin’s reaction. For a second it was silent. He was too afraid to look over to Seokmin and see either the awe or disgust on his face. He waited a minute but there still was no response. His vision started to blur as his eyes brimmed with tears. Oh no, this is it. This is the end of their relationship. Seokmin is too quiet for his reply to be a positive one. Joshua thought he’d be able to handle the rejection, but now that he was in the moment, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it now. His hands trembled a bit as he went to glance over to Seokmin.
“It’s okay to say-” Joshua stopped his sentence as he noticed the man sleeping peacefully on his shoulder. A bit of drool escaped his mouth and finally quiet snores filled the silence. Joshua looked away and ahead of him. He silently let out the deep breath that needed to be let out, slowly relaxing his tense body. He dropped his head back and closed his eyes. A few drops of tears escaped his eyes and he let them run down his burning cheeks.
He didn’t know if he was relieved or disappointed that Seokmin heard none of what he confessed. Maybe it wasn’t the time.
Maybe it’ll never be the time.
+1
Joshua buried himself in his work ever since the incident happened. He hasn’t seen Seokmin in person for about 2 weeks. To not make it suspicious, he has been texting him or video calling him, telling him every time that he’s busy creating his next collection and checking on his shops. He could just face him after his failed attempt to confess. That may be his last time confessing. It just seems like the universe is against him so why should he even try again? Again, maybe it’s a sign that they’re not meant to be together. That they’re better off as friends.
Joshua thinks that his ego has recovered for the most part and knows that he has to meet up with Seokmin eventually. It’s rare for them to be apart that long. Even if either of them are swamped, they try to meet for lunch or dinner each week.
Maybe he should do something for him.
Two weeks later, Joshua called up Seokmin and told him to pack his bags.
“Why? What’s going on?”
“You’ll see. Just pack enough stuff for a weekend.”
“Shua, please tell me-”
“And make sure you don’t have appointments.”
Before Seokmin could say another word, Joshua hung up and went to packing as well.
What Joshua was planning was a spontaneous trip to New York. He wanted Seokmin to have the best experience somewhere he’s never been before. And not only that, but he wanted to take him to his favorite musical, Wicked.
Joshua doesn’t know exactly why he wanted to go all out for their first in-person gathering after not seeing each other for weeks. Maybe deep down he still wants to impress Seokmin (even if Seokmin tells him he doesn’t need to). Maybe he still wants to confess and figured why not go all out. Whatever it was, he pushed the theories to the back of his mind and thought about everything that they should do for the short trip.
The next few days were filled with planning and buying things: hotel room, Broadway tickets, gifts, etc.
Finally on Thursday, Joshua stopped by Seokmin’s studio and found him finishing up a session with one of his students. Joshua admired the somehow stern but soft look on the man’s face.
He really did love his job. In fact, he was made for it. The joy the man had when his student’s smile lit up the room as they finally got the note down, Seokmin complimenting them. The gentle and comforting looks he would give if someone’s voice cracked. The look the student would have on their face when they got to hear Seokmin’s beautiful and powerful voice. The admiration, the amazement, the awe.
Joshua honestly thought that Seokmin would’ve been an artist. Sadly, his fear of judgment and rejection prevented him from stepping outside of his comfort zone. Just the thought of no one listening to his music was painful, or people saying that he doesn’t have stage presence or his shows were boring. That he has no range. All of those insecurities that Seokmin had were ridiculous to Joshua. No one is a professional so who are they to tell Seokmin that he’s not a great performer. And a bad singer, he could never get that insult from anyone, and one can obviously tell just by how his students look up to him. Just by how many people ask him for vocal lessons because of his ability. Sure just because someone can be a great singer doesn’t mean they can also be a great teacher/coach, but Seokmin is both an excellent coach and singer.
But enough of Joshua simping over Seokmin and his musical talent, they had a flight to catch. Joshua leaned on the wall next to the doorway and waited for the two to finish. Once Seokmin’s alarm went off, signaling that the session was over, he looked to see the man waiting and smiled. He walked his young student out the door and closed it.
“Ready to leave,” Joshua asked him.
“Almost, I have to take some things to my office and lock up the place. I also have my suitcase here so we don’t have to stop by my place.”
With that, Joshua left Seokmin to do what he needed and waited by the front entrance of the building. He only had to wait for a few minutes and once Seokmin came to the entrance, the two made their way to Joshua’s car. For the whole drive to their destination, Seokmin kept asking where they were headed. Joshua wasn’t going to tell him and Seokmin knew that, but he still wanted to try and see if he could get the answer out of him. Eventually they arrived at this small hangar which confused Seokmin. Looking around, he saw a few jets and noticed that there was one that was out in the open. The stairs leading to the jet was down with a man waiting at the bottom.
“Um, Shua, what the hell?”
“Minnie, you ever been in a PJ?”
“No, I’ve never been in a sandwich.” Joshua held himself back from smacking Seokmin and turning back to send him home.
“Bad joke.”
“I know, but you still love me.” Yeah, Joshua did.
“Answer my question.”
Seokmin rolled his eyes at the demand. “No I haven’t. How much money did you spend on this? We could've just gone to a regular airport and flew in a regular airplane.”
“Well for one, I didn’t pay a lot for this.” This was somewhat the truth. He did pay a concerning amount, but it was still reasonable since he got a deal from his friend, Wonwoo who actually owned the private jet. “And second, why fly on a regular plane if I have access to a private one?”
“Well, I don’t know, to save money?”
“Eh, it’s fake anyway.”
“To you.”
Before the conversation could continue, Joshua finally arrived closer to the man who seemed to be waiting on them. He parked the car and went to get out with Seokmin following. The stranger walked towards them and Joshua handed him the keys to his car. Seokmin kind of zoned out as he didn’t know what was going on nor what to actually do. He just followed Joshua and eventually got on the jet.
While Joshua was comfortable in his seat, Seokmin was a bit tense. Joshua looked as if he belonged here. Well, he did. He apparently had the money for it. Seokmin felt out of place. This whole private jet is for wealthy people, someone he is not. Sure, he makes a decent amount of money, but not enough to do all the things that Joshua is able to do, not enough to buy all of the things his best friend is able to buy. He felt lucky to still be friends with the famous designer. He didn’t understand how they’ve been friends this long. He honestly thought that they would have had a falling out a long time ago. That he would be left behind while Joshua became friends with all of these celebrities or rich people who always flock to him.
But Joshua never left him.
Never turned his back on Seokmin. He was always there for him. Always there to support him or help him. Seokmin felt warm at that, happy that he had a friend like Joshua.
Honestly, Seokmin felt that they could be more than that, especially with the way that Joshua spoils him. And he’s not just thinking about all of the material things that Joshua has gotten for him but also how Joshua spoils him with time and attention. With a caring attitude and love. He couldn’t believe that he had Joshua in his life.
He remembers when he first met Joshua. He was new to the area since his mother got a new job. Joshua was an upperclassman and Seokmin admired the boy. Joshua wasn’t exactly popular like those kids in the movies, but he was pretty well known. Both boys were in the theater club and would always talk after school or would acknowledge each other in the halls. Eventually, they started hanging out outside of school and club time. Seokmin’s admiration turned into a crush and he would always find a way to be with Joshua. He never bothered to confess, thinking that it was a simple crush that he would eventually grow out of. And also Joshua was way out of his league. So with that thought, he settled for being a friend, satisfied with Joshua just being present in his life, at least until he left for college. With Joshua’s time cutting close, Seokmin tried to hang out with him as much as possible, having game nights and sleepovers. When Joshua eventually graduated and left, Seokmin was a bit sad. He didn’t have Joshua by his side. Sure, they would text and call, but it just wasn’t the same.
Luckily, he had his other friends to keep him company during school. Jaehyun, Jungkook, and Eunwoo were his main friends that he made when he was on the soccer team for a year but ultimately left because he lost interest. He also had people in theater club that he would hang out with at times. With all that being said, he wasn’t totally alone, but with Joshua doing college things, he did feel a bit lonely. That feeling changed when he got accepted to the same university that Joshua attended. He wasn’t necessarily following his crush since the university had a really great music program, but it was a plus that his best friend and crush went there.
And with that, they went back to how things were before Joshua left. Some things may have changed, but Seokmin found that Joshua was the same old Joshua and that his crush never went away. Still, he didn’t want to confess. Not only did he want their friendship to last. He even dated people to get over his crush. Sometimes it worked, other times he wished that the person sitting across from him at the sticky table inside of the late night diner that was chosen as a last minute date was Joshua. Overtime, Seokmin pushed his feelings aside, and up until now he forgot about that need to confess, the desire to be more with Joshua.
Seokmin doesn’t really know why he’s thinking of this, of his life with Joshua. Maybe it’s some force reminding him of his still-there feelings for Joshua. Maybe it’s fate telling him that it’s time. That all of his time and effort using other people to forget his crush on Joshua was a waste. That the right person was in front of him the whole time.
Or he’s just crazy or overthinking things.
He’s brought out of his thoughts as the jet starts to move. He looked over to see Joshua getting comfortable with his blanket.
Guess I should do the same.
During the flight, Seokmin couldn’t get comfortable. He was usually like this anyway. Planes made him nervous, especially since he’s more than 1,000 feet in the air. He’s already afraid of heights, but putting his life in the hands of a stranger and a hunk of metal?
There should be better ways to transport.
After a few hours, they arrived in New York. They easily got their things and headed to whatever fancy hotel Joshua reserved a room at. They ended up at some high-end hotel called the Conrad. Apparently it was pretty much in the center of all the attractions in Manhattan. Joshua got their room keys while Seokmin observed the lobby. People were going in and out of the hotel, different types of weird ancient artwork decorated the open space, and it seemed hectic but somehow calm at the same time. He couldn’t really explain it. The place looked pretty impressive though, so he could guess how much a night would be.
Spoiler alert: a lot.
Joshua led him to the elevator that lifted them up to the top floors. They were led to their room which made Seokmin’s jaw drop. When they first entered, they were met with a modern design of the room and ceiling-to-floor windows with a balcony. The furniture had a sleek design. Beige, white, and navy blue made up the color scheme of the place. It truly looked like a nice penthouse apartment. To the right was a kitchenette and to the left were navy blue doors that Seokmin could guess led to the bedroom. He went to explore more while Joshua thanked and tipped the employee who carried their bags. When he got to the bedroom, he noticed there was one king sized bed with a flat screen TV across from it and nightstands on either side.
Oh…
Joshua also went to the bedroom and saw the reason why Seokmin was standing still by the door.
“God, I told them two beds. How did they mess this up? I’m gonna see if they have another room available,” Joshua sighed as he left the room.
“Shua wait, it’s fine! I mean it’s not like we’ve never shared a bed before,” he felt his face get hot as he said that. Luckily Joshua didn’t see. Joshua made sure that it was okay before taking his suitcase and placing it in a corner. He plopped on the bed and relaxed his body. Seokmin also set his stuff in the corner but didn’t know what to do next, so he awkwardly stood near the end of the bed.
“So, what’s the game plan?”
“Umm, today we can just relax and get something to eat for dinner. There’s a spa not too far that we can go to. If you don’t want to do that, we can go shopping, got to a few attractions that should still be open.”
“Ah, the spa sounds nice.”
“Ok then we can do that, get some dinner, and then whatever you want for the rest of the night.”
Why are you perfect? Seokmin thought to himself. They barely started the trip and Seokmin was already falling in love again with Joshua.
Woah, wait love? Seokmin didn’t think his crush would evolve into love. Well, he guessed it was love. Sure, he’s said ‘I love you’ to him a thousand times, but that was just platonic love, a friendly saying. What he felt now was more than that. Something that made him warm and fuzzy inside. Something that he had to sit with and he was fine with that. He didn’t expect to feel this way. He didn’t feel the typical butterflies in his stomach that people always talked about. Honestly, he never really understood that anyway. Right now, he felt content. He felt at home somehow.
Joshua felt like home.
Loving Joshua felt like comfort.
For the rest of the day, the men enacted their plans. Seokmin really enjoyed the bougie spa. It was relaxing and he came out a new man, glowing skin and all. They then went to a really nice restaurant. Nice as in it looked nice. The portions were too small for Seokmin and he was sure that it would probably take about four or five meals just for him to feel full.
After dinner, they took a walk around the area and just enjoyed the sounds of the busy city. It was a great night for the both of them and Seokmin couldn’t wait to see what the plan was for the rest of the trip.
As both men got ready for bed, Seokmin went back to the thought of them sharing the bed. He could just sleep on the couch, but he’s sure that Joshua would fight him for it. Also, it didn’t look that comfortable. They might as well share the large bed, it’s not like they haven’t before. Seokmin was the first to lay down and had his back to the other man.
“I can put up a wall if that’s more comfortable.”
“It’s fine Joshua.” He turned around to face him. “How many times have we been in the same bed without barriers?”
“That was when we were younger.”
Seokmin rolled his eyes. “Just get in bed. I can be your big spoon if you want,” he joked.
Joshua rolled his eyes, trying to hide his smile. He grabbed his pillow and hit the jokester. Seokmin used his arms to protect his face and laughed at Joshua’s reaction.
“For one, we all know I’m the big spoon. And two, shut up.”
“I can easily be big spoon. I’ve been working out.”
“That doesn’t mean anythi-”
“Yes it does! I’m strong now.”
“You still like being a baby.”
“Lies,” Seokmin crossed his arms across his chest and rolled his eyes. The pout didn’t help his argument and Joshua noted that. Seokmin ended the conversation by turning his back to Joshua again. With that, they settled and let sleep take over.
The next day was a busy one. They stayed in bed for a while, ordering room service instead of going downstairs for breakfast. They eventually got ready close to noon and headed out to the stores. Seokmin had to stop Joshua from buying him stuff that he would pick up and put back. Some stuff he still bought him though.
After shopping, they got lunch and took him to his friend’s music shop. The place was filled with vinyls and CDs in the front, and instruments in the back. Joshua took him straight to the back and they played around. Of course, Joshua played Sunday Morning on one of the guitars. Seokmin jokingly told him that he would leave the store right now, but he would never since he loved Joshua’s voice. They stayed there for a while and then went back to the hotel to get ready for the night. Joshua didn’t say where exactly they were going, but to just dress nice. Did he have to wear a full suit? Hopefully not because he packed nothing that fancy.
The car taking them to their destination was outside when the men were ready. The place wasn’t too far and when they pulled up, Seokmin was confused but excited.
“The theater,” Seokmin asked as Joshua helped him out of the vehicle.
“Yep. Look up.”
As instructed, Seokmin looked up to see what they were going to watch.
He couldn’t believe it.
“YOU GOT US TICKETS FOR WICKED?”
Joshua laughed at Seokmin’s expression. Jaw dropped, eyes wide open.
“Of course I did. I know you’ve wanted to see this in person for a while. Now come on, let’s get our seats.”
Joshua had to drag him in and lead him to their seats after showing his tickets on his phone to get in. Seokmin couldn’t believe that the man sitting next to him took him all the way to New York just to see his favorite musical on Broadway. His whole body was vibrating with joy. As the show started, Seokmin was in his own world. The only thing he focused on was the show. The cast, the music, the set, everything. And he enjoyed all of it. The show was better than he could imagine. He’s seen others do the musical, he even had a chance to be a part of the musical in high school. However, seeing it on Broadway was different. Obviously, the production was way more expensive than what high schoolers could afford. They weren’t too far nor too close so he was able to absorb everything going on. Every song he mouthed the words to. He even knew every line of all the characters. This was probably the best experience he’s ever had.
After the show, Seokmin was still in awe of the musical. He sang all of his favorites on the way home and Joshua recorded some of the moments. He’s really glad that Seokmin loved his time, especially since this whole trip was not cheap, but anything for the one he loves.
They made it back to the hotel room and ordered room service. They stuffed their faces and drank up most of the bottle of wine they ordered as well. Seokmin kept recalling each moment of the musical, commenting on each and every detail that Joshua didn’t even notice. They migrated to the balcony, enjoying the cool breeze and the sounds of cars and pedestrians.
“If only I could go back to high school and do Wicked all over again. And just that moment cause the rest of high school was hell,” Seokmin sighed.
“What do you mean? I feel like I was there to make it more tolerable.”
“Yeah for like two years, and then you left me.”
“Did you want me to fail so you could catch up,” Joshua raised a brow.
“Not exactly.”
Joshua huffed a laugh and shook his head. “Well that wasn’t gonna happen. At least you had other friends.”
“Sure but they’re not you.”
Joshua looked at him. He didn’t know what to say to that so the two sat in silence. Joshua continued to stare at Seokmin’s side profile. The light of the city hit his face perfectly.
How can this man be any more beautiful?
He didn’t know if it was the mood or the wine (he doubts it since he has a good tolerance), but Joshua got the need to pour his heart out.
“Seokmin, what I tell you now, let’s not let it affect our relationship. I’ve kept it in for so long and now may not be the time but oh well.”
Seokmin looked over with a concerned look. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.. well not really cause I’m sweating bullets right now and my heart is practically trying to destroy my chest. But I have a confession.”
Joshua paused for a moment to calm down. Noticing this, Seokmin scooted closer to him and held his hand. He was patient with him and figured that whatever Joshua was going to tell him may change their lives. For better or for worse, he’ll have to wait to see. Joshua closed his eyes and let the words spill out.
“I love you.”
“Shua.. I love you too-”
“Well I don’t mean like that.. I mean like… I love you more than I would a friend. I said this whole speech like a while ago but you were sleeping. I’ve wanted to tell you for years but I was too afraid. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, we can just forget this happened and enjoy the rest of the trip. But I just wanted you to know that I’ve loved you for years and I still do.”
Seokmin was silent for a second, processing the words told to him. Joshua took it for rejection and looked away from him.
“Shua-”
“And you don’t have to love me back. I just needed you to know-”
Joshu didn’t realize what was happening until he felt something soft on his lips, a warmth close to his face.
Lips. That’s what he felt against his own.
He felt fingers caressing his chin and Seokmin’s other hand still holding his.
He couldn’t believe that Seokmin was kissing him right now. He felt like his younger self experiencing his first kiss. Just in shock, too frozen to kiss back. He really should kiss back or this would be awkward. Or maybe not because he did confess. But it still could be because he’s NOT KISSING BACK. With that realization, he went to kiss Seokmin back but before he could, the man pulled away.
“Wai-”
“I love you too.” This made Joshua’s freeze again, eyes going wide. Joshua’s heart grew in size, his cheeks and ear slowly turning red. Finally, he was able to tell his best friends his feelings and they were returned. He was a little speechless and prevented himself from grabbingSeokmin and showering him with love and affection. He could tear up right now. He didn’t but he could. He stayed silent to let Seokmin finish what he was going to say.
“I’ve also felt this way for a while. Honestly, I’ve had a crush on you since we met and there’s no telling when that turned into love. But I want to be with you. I’m sorry that you kept this in all this time.”
“Yeah. I’m kind of surprised you haven’t noticed.”
“Eh, I had a feeling until you set me up with your seatmate before Valentine’s Day.”
“Well, you kept talking to me about her, I had to.”
Seokmin rolled his eyes and turned away from the man, but Joshua turned his head and kissed his cheek. Joshua was amused at his attitude, knowing that Joshua had a point. He kissed his other cheek, then his nose, and finally his lips. Of course Seokmin returned it with the same energy. They pulled away and stared into each others’ eyes, the sounds of the city enveloping them once again.
“So, what now?”
“Well, I would say let’s go on a date, but technically this trip is one big date.”
“Eh, I wouldn’t say that. You kind of kidnapped me and we just confessed so you have to properly ask.” Joshua gave him a look at that, so close to leaving him out on this balcony. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding!”
“You’re lucky I love you.”
“Love you too.”
“Menace.”
tag you’re it: @sunnytaes @wooyussy @simpracha @bunnypig18
