Being in the circus without a voice
Imagine being in the circus, but you can’t speak. Being thrown into an unknown world is terrifying enough, but when you try to open your mouth, no words come out. The only mode of communication is a bell collar attached to your neck.
The language you articulate is with ringing bell sounds, and hand and facial gestures. The bell ties to your emotions. If you’re upset, the bell rings high and quick. If you’re feeling more content, the bell is gentle and slow.
You are completely and utterly silent in an overwhelming, oversaturated world.
Caine attempts at being accommodating by giving you a notebook and pencil to express your feelings. You thought about learning sign language, but decide against it. Learning a new language is hard enough, and with the constant adventures, you don't have the time to learn ASL.
The group understands your position. Everyone makes sure you get a chance to share your thoughts, whether it’s in written form or through facial cues.
All except Jax, not that it came as a surprise. He frequently bullies you with your inability to speak and nicknames you ‘Tinkerbell’ or ‘Tink’. You don’t find that name very charming.
Jax purposely puts you on the spot during a conversation, but you can't respond. You hurl your notebook at him in instances like these, sometimes try to puncture his eye with your pencil. Zooble is quick to back you up, sometimes helping you beat him up. For the most part, you try to ignore Jax’s antagonism.
You find yourself grateful for the group’s mutual understanding of your position.
Gangle, quietly draws beside you, sometimes doodling on your notebook if you let her. She brainstorms comics with you and you contribute by writing in dialogue.
Zooble sympathizes with you, relating back to their body dysphoria. If they that you want to add your input to a conversation, they’ll tell everyone to shut up so you can share your piece.
Pomni reads your notebook if you let her and she’s patient understanding your feelings. Kinger asks you for odd favors or he’ll chat with you before forgetting halfway through what the topic was.
Ragatha will pull your hands away from your collar if you’re you're trying to pry it off. Or she’ll gladly give you a hug or rub your back if you need physical comfort.
But your inability to speak is another lack of agency in this digital world. The only power you would have here is your voice, and you don’t have that. You can't engage in a world built on a language you don’t have the liberty of speaking.
The collar will always be part of you and there’s nothing you can do about it. That is a truth you need to accept. Regardless, your friends support you, and that’s a comforting feeling that keeps you going, even with the looming threat of abstraction.
