"But I can't help but wonder kung saan pa ipapasok ni Jess yung lalaki sa buhay ko kung covered ko na lahat?"
Now, you ask me naiisip ko rin ba ang mga bagay na ito?
Yes is the answer to that. But not as frequently as before. Hey, I haven't been in a real relationship. Ever. There were a number of near-misses.
In college, I asked a guy/fratman friend why he thinks I don't have anyone. The guy/fratman friend told me that I was too... strong. I come off too strong. I thought about what he said for a long time and felt really bad. I felt bad because I knew that I did come off too strong (I already had a nagging feeling that I was that way), loud, and very much independent. Then (and now), I reasoned that I was that (am this) way because of the way I was brought up. I blamed it on my Scholastican education and their focus on women empowerment. I also thought about how my dad raised me to be this kind of person. Like you, I am the eldest sister and it was drummed into my head ever since to take care of my siblings. The taking care has extended to my cousins as well. My dad always told my sister and I that we should be able to fend for ourselves. Sabi ng tatay ko, hindi niyo alam, yung magiging asawa niyo salbahe or yung magiging mother-in-law niyo salbahe, at least kaya raw namin buhayin ang mga sarili namin at yung mga magiging anak namin. So sobraaang na-hassle ako sa sinabi ng guy/fratman friend ko. I seriously contemplated changing my ways back then and thought I should just let boys be boys and give them the damn ego boost they want.
But, see, I'm too stubborn.
I remember asking myself back then: what's wrong with that? So yeah, I am independent. And honestly, it makes me really insecure sometimes. But it's also something that makes me feel good about myself. Being independent, being able to take care of myself and the people around me, being sure of myself, are just some of the things I recently realized that I liked about myself. And honestly, I've tried out being sure of myself and found out that it was awesome. Haha.
You know, I pray for him. Whoever he happens to be. I'm that secret hopeless romantic who's incapable of being malabing but one who prays for him. I may have met him already. Or maybe we still need to do some growing apart before we finally meet. It's like what my friend said in a 2008 blog entry. He said: "Because I have you in mind, I am taking my time. Because I have you in mind, it's worth waiting; it's worth getting crazy sometimes; it's worth thinking a LOT. Because I have you in mind, I can believe I'm not missing out. Because I have you in mind, I am saving the best of myself for you, and only for you. Because I have you in mind, I choose to settle for nothing less than the person that you are. And because I have you in mind, I choose not be anything less than the person that you deserve. I choose to settle for nothing less than what God has in mind... I look forward to loving you, even when I love you now."
And because of that entry and the way I know I'm sure of myself, I do not want to be less than the person whoever he is deserves. I want him to have best and awesomest of me, including the dull/boring parts, and even the independent/stubborn ones. It's what makes me... me and its kind of the tanggap lang mentality. It's also what makes me want whoever that person the future holds to be sure of himself. I want the both of us to be sure of ourselves before we delve into something else. I'm not saying I won't change in the future or make compromises. I probably will. Scratch that. I will. But I don't think he deserves an insecure or crappy version of me. It's a whole lot like that How I Met Your Mother episode (yes, I'm quoting this show now haha) where Ted tells Robin that when they dated, Robin never made him feel that he needed her. Ted told her: "It's nice to feel needed." Later, Robin goes to Barney and asks him if she made him feel needed when they were dating. Barney goes on to say: "No, I didn't feel like you needed me at all." When Robin turns to leave, he adds: "That's a compliment. You're the least needy woman that I've ever met. And that's awesome. I mean no guy's gonna say who's your daddy to Robin Scherbatsky. You're your own daddy. And mommy. And that is what makes you the most amazing, strong, independent woman I've ever banged." Granted, I shouldn't be quoting How I Met Your Mother. But you get my drift. Haha.
Asking yourself if "gusto mo ng ka-momol at kung kailangan mo ba talaga yun" is a perfectly logical question, I'd like to think. Because I ask myself that sometimes. No, really. And I'm also scared to grow old alone. But I also have recently come to terms with these two words: it's okay. It's okay to feel alone sometimes. It's okay to feel lonely sometimes. It's okay to feel like you can't take anymore and that your mind's just going to explode. And I have also come to terms with the thought of growing old alone. I can't believe I just said that out loud. But I have. I have a nagging feeling that thats exactly what's going to happen to me and well... I'm okay. Because if that's what Jess wants me to be, then so be it. Tatandang dalaga or single blessedness it is. After all, who am I to question His will? I feel like He will still send me out into the world doing His most gracious will. Hopefully, He'd let me do something a lot like what you can see here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TP1znqK7UZ8&feature=youtu.be He'd let me tell each and every person that I'd encounter about His greatness, even tell the strangers I will never meet. Hopefully, He'd let me live His greatness.
At the end of your email, you say "ayokong tumandang mag-isa, gusto ko mabuhay sa pag-ibig". Ako rin. Ayokong tumandang mag-isa. Gusto ko rin na bonggang bonggang mabuhay sa pag-ibig. At the end of that blog entry, he says: "To you who is (hopefully my first and) my last, in time, you name will replace the 'you's' in this letter. In time, there'll be a face for the person I had in mind while writing all this. In time." But now, I'm realizing that that 'you' had long ago been replaced by His name. And I was once told by another friend that when we fall in love with Jesus, there is no such thing as sawi. No such thing. So I guess I won't have to worry about measuring my life in love, huh?
I hope I have been of some help to you and know that I am always praying with and for you. Basta ikaw. :)
