--

:) :*

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Writing space 2013/2014

It's January 18, 2014. 12:14 in the morning. We're already two weeks into the new year.

I am writing this post-2013 "obligatory" entry now. I haven't had the time, what with everything going on. But, here we go!

Right before 2013 ended, I was thinking of what I'd put on paper - what I'd write about the year that has been, what I learned from it and what I did. 

When 2012 ended, I was scared. I really had a good 2012 and I thought no new year could top it. In some ways, that statement is true. 2013 didn't beat 2012's ass with grander adventures and misadventures. But that didn't mean I wasn't any less grateful.

In 2013, I went to Cambodia with my sister, my aunt and uncle. It was the first time I visited another Third World country and realized that they weren't so different from us.

In 2013, I tried Bikram Yoga and stuck to it for a month before all the school hullaballo (what a funny word) got in the way. I learned that you can never be too old to decide to get healthy and jump on the fitness train. (Hehe choo-choo. I'm so ridiculous.)

In 2013, I got to see The Script and Jason Mraz live and realized that VIP tickets, while they cost a fortune, are 100% worth it.

In 2013, I turned 23 and it was relatively boring. It was, simply, another day.

In 2013, I fell in love with driving all over again, that is, when I'm not driving along the clogged roads of the Metro. Driving along the highway at night, the street lamps sort of serving like stars and just hitting the gas calms me like no other.

In 2013, my friends decided to up and leave the country (Leavers! Hehe, just kidding.). I figured you gotta do what you gotta do to pursue love, passion, and your dreams.

In 2013, in a surprising turn of events (yep, that's what I'm calling it), I placed 9th in our batch rankings. 9th out of 180+ y'all! Never believed that this would happen.

In 2013, I wrote and defended my Juris Doctor thesis and felt unbelievably loved and blessed by family and friends who are both here in the country and abroad. Unbelievably loved and blessed - it bears repeating.

In 2013, I decided to join a competition I swore on my life that I would never ever join. I realized that you can really surprise yourself sometimes. And that you should.

In 2013, I crashed a wedding with another friend and thought that the funniest adventures are the ones you least expect to do or happen.

In more ways than one, 2013 was a year of firsts. But it was a quiet year. Mostly, I felt like going through the motions. But I realized that maybe the quiet year was for the better.

2014, for sure, will be a big one.

This year, I graduate after four years of backbreaking work in law school and will officially be able to say that I have a JD degree. (Backbreaking. Lol. Kala mo naman nagbubuhat ako ng mabigat.)

This year, I will participate in the biggest moot court competition in the world and hopefully get the chance to represent the country.

This year, I take the Philippine bar. (*cue horror music)

I figured that maybe, just maybe, 2013 was meant to be a less exciting one because it's probably the calm before the storm that is 2014. Maybe the universe sought to give me some rest before I dive into the mess of things that I've decided to take on. Which is probably why I decided that my New Year theme song is Ellie Goulding's Anything Could Happen. She sings "We held our breath to see our names are written on the wreck of '86. That was the year I knew the panic was over since we found out that anything could happen".

Ever since I got into law school, I always ask myself at the end of each calendar year if I'm still at the Ateneo. Yep, I do. Now, I'm two months to the finish line. I swore that I wouldn't do a ton of things or that I wouldn't be able to, but apparently, even at this age, one can still follow Neil Gaiman's advice and surprise one's self. So for some reason, I feel like 2013 was the year that I knew the panic was over.

I was recently asked if I'm excited that things will be over soon. I realized that I am. Yes. Who wouldn't be after four years? Who wouldn't be after months of training (and a few more)? But I'm more excited for these things to happen. And for me to make it happen. To me, these are two mutually exclusive things.

Let's be honest. I have no idea if I'll pass the Bar, though I hope to do so in one try. I have no idea if we'll end up winning Nationals and representing the Philippines in April. Passing the Bar and the entire competing process, that's still months, if not weeks from now, right? But part of me is very excited to know the outcome - whether or not I get to append the letters "ATTY" before my name or whether we win Nationals or lose and end up crying our eyes out. These are the things that will happen in the future and I can't tell you the answers this very moment. But what I can tell you is, I am very excited to find out what my takeaway from all this is. I am. These things are going to happen to me. There is no escaping the Bar. And there's no backing out of competing. But while I know that I have no complete control over the things that will happen in my life, I know that I have to do something about it.

  I'm very excited to find out what I'm capable of in order to achieve my dreams. Sounds cheesy, I know. But I can't think of any other way to put it. At the same time, I'm very excited to find out what how the things that'll happen to me this 2014 will break me. When 2013 ended, that was one of the things I prayed for. I told God that this year, I offer You my heart, do with it what You will, despite all my misgivings and fears. I prayed that He break it, crush it, pulverize it even, and then maybe mold it to what He wants it to be. I'm very excited to know what I'll be capable of when I'm broken and what I'll be capable of when I'm rebuilt. This doesn't mean that I'm not scared shitless about saying things like break, crush, or pulverize. Oh believe me, the thought of it worries me. But John Steinbeck once told his son "don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - the main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away".

I decided on singing Anything Could Happen at the end of the year because, as I said, "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdictless life" (John Mayer's Why Georgia for the win). But I've decided to embrace this verdictless life - this fear-and-worry-laden life, this trying life, this unbelievably blessed and grateful life, this sometimes-aimlessly-wandering-life. I could go on and on and on. But yaknow, really, "now I've seen it through and now I know the truth".

My friend claimed this year as my year of reaping. What with the big events going to happen in the months to come, I really like the idea of that.

So, thank you 2013, for all your faults, flaws and firsts, your wonders and love. Thank you for getting me to this point. My heart is filled with gratitude and love.

Hello 2014, year of reaping, year of turning 24, year of insane trials and stress-and-panic-inducing tests. I plan on going into this headfirst and embracing it for all its craziness. 2014, you might even be the year that I fall in love all over again. Who knows, right?

Anything could happen.

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Mumblings and ramblings

On “Today”, Joshua Radin sings I thank God you came along. You are the one I’ve been waiting for today.

It’s a beautiful, yet extremely simple song.

This song makes me wonder about the things (and who) we wait for and, consequently, the things we long for. It also makes me think about the things that we are too afraid to say out loud, lest we be judged.

He sings This is the day I make you mine.

When I listen to this song, that line always gets to me. He sings it extremely nonchalantly. The line comes out of nowhere, disjointed from the words that came before it. But it seems as if he sings it with utter conviction that he knows that, truly, this is the day he makes her his. Or something like that.

And it gets me thinking about the stuff that we do so that we can have whatever (or whoever) it is we wait and long for. We spend sleepless nights. We cry. We work hard. And at the same time, we get impatient. We get frustrated. We get tired. We get overwhelmed. We get discouraged.

I think, for the most part, I am scared that all my effort to do whatever it is I think I should be doing is all for nothing. It scares me to think that I put in too many hours for something that ultimately won’t be something that I’d have.

The past few years, I’ve always asked myself why I do what I do.

Today, I got to tell a friend from college why, and at the same time, tell myself again. This friend asked me for some form of advice. She’s going through a spiritual crisis of sorts because she doesn’t think she doesn't have a relationship with God. She thinks that she’d like to have a relationship with Him, but then she doesn't know where to start. I told her that in feeling this, and in thinking that she needs to have some relationship with Him, she’s already started. Just by thinking that one has to have some form of connection with the Almighty, or even longing for that connection, one gets to jump-start that relationship because then walls our down, hearts aren’t that guarded, and there’s more of a possibility of letting Him in. Open heart, open mind.

At the tail end of our conversation, I told her that in the past year, I’ve realized what I wanted to do in life – ultimately. I told my friend that I wanted to serve Him. I don’t know why this came at the end of our conversation. I don’t know why I suddenly thought I had to share this with her. And it was as if my mouth wasn’t connected to my brain because it just went ahead and declared “hey-I-finally-got-the-hang-of-what-I-really-want-to-do-in-life”.  Sharing this to my friend came as a surprise.

But the thing is… If I can borrow from Ted Mosby, I am now “gonna say something out loud that I’ve been doing a pretty good job of not saying out lately”.[1]

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Well, of course I’ve an idea of what I’m doing. I’m just not entirely sure if this is the right way to go. A few Sundays ago, during mass, I told God that all I want to do is to serve Him. I want to show people His glory, His undying love, through my life. I want people to look at me and think that that girl’s doing His work. In everything that I do, I try to make sure that I get to do what He wants me to do. Emphasis on the word try. I think I’ve taken the Be-Jesus-To-Others/What-Would-Jesus-Do concept too seriously because sometimes I just wanna go out and tell random people, even strangers of how great He is. So during that mass, I asked Him to give me some form of affirmation to know if the path that I’ve taken is the right one. I asked for some form of affirmation just so I’d know that in this backbreaking work that I do, I’m actually able to show someone else His greatness. I prayed and asked for some form of affirmation, even if that form of affirmation be the infinitesimal kind, so that I could at least sleep at night knowing that I just might be doing this right.

Now, I’m not big on signs or anything. But I do believe that God answers our prayers, even the most mundane ones. A few beats after I prayed that, I immediately thought of St. Ignatius’ Prayer for Generosity – Teach me to be generous, teach me to serve you as I should, to give and not to count the cost, to fight and not to heed the wounds, to toil and not to seek for rest, to labor and ask not for reward, save that of knowing that I do your will.

This prayer goes to my Best Prayers of All Time list.

Because, honestly, at the end of the day, like Kid President said, we just have to keep going, keep going, keep going. I try and I try and I think that maybe, like for most things in life, it’s a matter of faith to know if I’m really doing His will.

My next six months will be difficult. Sacrifices will be made. Tears will surely be shed. I’m still at the beginning and I already harbor the feeling of wanting to cry foul. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I don’t know.

But these things I do know:

I am grateful for electronic dance music. Yup, Avicii, Afrojack, Zedd, and all that dubstep-y dance music that I used to steer away from.

I am grateful for that aging MAPSA traffic aide who was directing traffic at the intersection of Kalayaan and Makati Ave.

I am grateful for the janitor who wiped the black board clean at 10 in the evening.

I am grateful for that photocopy guy at school who has been the photocopy guy since I was a grad school freshman. I keep forgetting his name.

I have a ton of friends who teach me a ton of things about life and love.

I am even grateful for sad songs that declare “please don’t say you love me because I might not say it back”.

I am at peace when I hit 80-100km/h on the Skyway on a clear day, when I can see the outline of the clouds, and even on days when the rain just won’t seem to stop. As long as there’s no traffic. But, in all honesty, I don’t know why, but I always feel alive when this happens. It’s one of those moments that I am sure that there is a God.

I now get high on nerdy-law-school-related things, like meeting one of the great ASIL alumni oralists or getting a hold of a superb international law book.

An acquaintance from law school got it right when he said: “I remember wrestling with God, restless as to what He desired for me. I know I longed to be used for His purposes. I desired this so much that I remember saying I was willing to do whatever it takes. To give up whatever it takes, including my own life”.

10. Nick Vujicic taught me this: “Some failure costs more than others. Never give up. Keep on trying. If sometimes you have to let a dream die, let that dream die. Don’t let that kill you. If one door closes, another door opens. You must believe that it wasn’t meant to be. If it’s meant to be, it’s going to happen. If not, there is something better around the corner. Choose to believe that you will never be shortchanged when you give up a dream, you will find something better.” (emphasis mine)

  And in my quest to find whatever or whoever it is that I should make mine, one of my favorite shows of all time, How I Met Your Mother, reminded me that maybe in times of uncertainty, it pays to be patient. In one episode, Stella tells Ted “I know that you’re tired of waiting and you may have to wait a little while more, but she’s on her way Ted and she’s getting here as fast as she can”. Maybe, it also pays to have a little faith.

And as I was writing this, I was opening links of articles to read.

A few passages caught my eye:

“There is a temptation to seek God in the past or in a possible future. God is certainly in the past because we can see the footprints. And God is also in the future as a promise. But the ‘concrete’ God, so to speak, is today. For this reason, complaining never helps us find God. The complaints of today about how ‘barbaric’ the world is—these complaints sometimes end up giving birth within the church to desires to establish order in the sense of pure conservation, as a defense. No: God is to be encountered in the world of today. God manifests himself in historical revelation, in history. Time initiates processes, and space crystallizes them. God is in history, in the processes. God manifests himself in time and is present in the processes of history. This gives priority to actions that give birth to new historical dynamics. And it requires patience, waiting. Finding God in all things is not an ‘empirical eureka.’ When we desire to encounter God, we would like to verify him immediately by an empirical method. But you cannot meet God this way. God is found in the gentle breeze perceived by Elijah. The senses that find God are the ones St. Ignatius called spiritual senses. Ignatius asks us to open our spiritual sensitivity to encounter God beyond a purely empirical approach. A contemplative attitude is necessary: it is the feeling that you are moving along the good path of understanding and affection toward things and situations. Profound peace, spiritual consolation, love of God and love of all things in God—this is the sign that you are on this right path.”

I [Fr. Spadaro] ask, “So if the encounter with God is not an ‘empirical eureka,’ and if it is a journey that sees with the eyes of history, then we can also make mistakes?”

“Yes, in this quest to seek and find God in all things there is still an area of uncertainty. There must be. If a person says that he met God with total certainty and is not touched by a margin of uncertainty, then this is not good. For me, this is an important key. If one has the answers to all the questions—that is the proof that God is not with him. It means that he is a false prophet using religion for himself. The great leaders of the people of God, like Moses, have always left room for doubt. You must leave room for the Lord, not for our certainties; we must be humble. Uncertainty is in every true discernment that is open to finding confirmation in spiritual consolation. The risk in seeking and finding God in all things, then, is the willingness to explain too much, to say with human certainty and arrogance: ‘God is here.’ We will find only a god that fits our measure. The correct attitude is that of St. Augustine: seek God to find him, and find God to keep searching for God forever. Often we seek as if we were blind, as one often reads in the Bible. And this is the experience of the great fathers of the faith, who are our models. We have to re-read the Letter to the Hebrews, Chapter 11. Abraham leaves his home without knowing where he was going, by faith. All of our ancestors in the faith died seeing the good that was promised, but from a distance.... Our life is not given to us like an opera libretto, in which all is written down; but it means going, walking, doing, searching, seeing.... We must enter into the adventure of the quest for meeting God; we must let God search and encounter us. Because God is first; God is always first and makes the first move. God is a bit like the almond flower of your Sicily, Antonio, which always blooms first. We read it in the Prophets. God is encountered walking, along the path. At this juncture, someone might say that this is relativism. Is it relativism? Yes, if it is misunderstood as a kind of indistinct pantheism. It is not relativism if it is understood in the biblical sense, that God is always a surprise, so you never know where and how you will find him. You are not setting the time and place of the encounter with him. You must, therefore, discern the encounter. Discernment is essential.”[2] (all emphasis mine)

Such passage is taken from an article, detailing the answers of Pope Francis during an interview. What a guy, this guy – the Pope. Wow.

I just might have gotten an answer to my prayer. I might even be doing something right.

Joshua Radin sings Well I thank God you came along. But you are the one, I’ve been waiting for today. And here comes the sun, that’s been baiting on today.

So here’s to the quest to seek God and find God in all things. Here’s to walking along this path.

And here’s to finally singing this is the day I make you mine.

Or you know, make it mine.

[1] Season 4, Episode 23

[2] http://www.americamagazine.org/content/all-things/listening-pope

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Note to self

Some failure costs more than others. Never give up. Keep on trying. If sometimes you have to let a dream die, let that dream die. Don’t let that kill you. If one door closes, another door opens. You must believe that it wasn’t meant to be. If it’s meant to be, it’s going to happen. If not, there is something better around the corner. Choose to believe that you will never be shortchanged when you give up a dream, you will find something better.

-Nick Vujicic

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Today, today.

Today, I turned a year older. But I'm not entirely sure if I'm wiser. 

But different from previous birthdays, I didn't feel that today was any special. Does this mean I'm growing up, though? Getting older doesn't mean anything nor is it a cause for celebration?

I'm not entirely sure.

But what I do know is that today is the longest and most tiring birthday ever. School's such a pain and sometimes life is such a pain too. Most of the time, there's no one to talk to and you can't say anything out loud.

I'm so fucking tired I could seriously punch someone in the face... or just you know, cry.

It's been such a looong non-special day. And to me, that sucks, because I think birthdays should be a big deal. I guess I might just be getting a little older. I'm also scared that this might set a precedent or set the tone for the rest of the year. 23 might just be the longest and most tiring year. And that just... Just the thought scares the bejeezus out of me.

But, I know who I am and I know that I have to do what I do and that I need to do what I need to do.

In the words of the inspiring Kid President, keep going, keep going, keep going.

---

That's not to say I didn't feel loved. I did. To some extent yeah. And I'm grateful. I am always grateful. I just feel like maybe, I'm going through the motions and it's been wearing me out.

That's also not to say that I didn't wish on the candles I blew out today. I did.

And it went something along the lines of what Father Pedro Arrupe, SJ once said:

“Nothing is more practical than finding God,  That is, than falling in a love in a quite absolute, final way.  What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything.  It will decide what will get you out of bed in the mornings,  What you will do with your evenings,  How you spend your weekends,  What you read,  Who you know,  What breaks your heart,  And what amazes you with joy and gratitude.  Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.”

This is going to be a difficult and trying year. I just know it and I feel it. But despite all this, my wish for myself, for my 23rd year, is that I fall in love. I fall in love with different people and the things I throw myself in. I hope and I pray to fall in love with friends, with strangers, with books, with FAQs, with training, with teammates. I hope and I pray to fall in love with Jesus more. I hope and I pray I know more about my heart so that I can go on and keep going, keep going, keep going.

----

J.D.: What we realized was that we were jealous of Billy because he was out living life, and Turk and I weren’t. I guess it’s important not to take life for granted, whether it’s appreciating your relationships, or renewing your friendships, for Turk and I, it was important to get out and start living life, period.

Turk: Buddy it’s almost one o’clock in the morning and we have to be at work at 5.

J.D.: I know but how often do we do this?

I was watching Scrubs a few minutes ago. And this just hit home. This exchange and the fact that Joshua Radin's Today was playing was just... a beautiful reminder and an unexpected pick-me-up. 

"This is the day I make you mine.

But you are the one, I've been waiting for today.

And here comes the sun, that's been baiting on today.

Lately I've lost my tongue.

Today you found the sun.

I know not long has grown.

Well, I thank God you came along.

You looked right through me.

When there was no one else, I sat beside you and became myself

Today.. Today."

--

Okay. One deep breath before I move along.

Let's go 23, let's fall in love.

[bronantha]

everything is so clear now

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Aw Darwin.

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Joys and fears

I'm on a hip-hop trip.

I just downloaded Jay-Z's Magna Carta Holy Grail and Macklemore and Ryan Lewis's The Heist.

There's so much cussing.

But then, I can't get Holy Grail's hook out of my head. Man, that Justin Timberlake is such a suave guy. But Jay-Z is Jay-Z and his music sounds like the same one he's been churning out for years now. (But I just have to say that the song with Beyonce on Part II was great.)

I didn't think I'd end up liking Macklemore. I haaaated Thrift Shop. I think I kind of still do. It was a fun song at first but then the damn song was everywhere and it just annoyed the hell out of me. But then while he references girls, he just doesn't rap about women in all these degrading ways.

He raps about alcohol abuse, about working hard, about reminding himself to stay true, about lost loves, about pride, and even about LGBT rights.

His music sounds really interesting.

And earlier, while I was listening to Same Love, the song where he pushes for equality for gay marriage and equality for all, I couldn't help but feel happy. I want the same things, I guess. After all, love is love. But he raps about it and he sounds so optimistic. And it's just uplifting. Makes you feel like change is right around the corner, rather than miles away. 

It's funny how my taste in music has changed over the years. In high school, I remember swearing off Ne-Yo and just sticking to white guys with guitars.

What am I trying to say here?

I've been so busy lately (and I will continue to be). Life hands you a ton of stuff to do and you have no other choice but to accomplish these things (and basically, that's just how I'm built). Sometimes, you forget.

I think of all those people who say that you can easily get lost in the hullabaloo (I love this word) of things and sometimes you just need to take a breather. I never got that. I always thought that I live this balanced life where, despite the crazy that comes my way, I'm still me.

But let me take this moment to stop and say that despite the crazy/wild/cruel things that continue to tire me out, day in and day out, and despite the fact that I'm about to defend my J.D. thesis on the 19th, I'm happy. There are too many things to be grateful for. My ASIL family. Our Colayco win. My baby brother and sister. My mom and dad. My Kuya, even. Micki. Pam. Dionis. I could go on and on and on.

  I am shaking in my boots (I don't have any. Poor metaphor), thinking about my thesis defense. It scares the crap out of me. It panics me, in the complete sense of the word. Scratch that, I'd rather use the word unnerve. It unnerves me. Holy hell it scares the frikin daylights out of me. ladskfpwofjalsdkfhalsdkjf ALL MY FEELS.

But I was recently told that I shouldn't worry about things that are out of my hands.

So lemme just say that, even if I half-think that I handed in 100-plus pages of scratch paper disguised as my J.D. thesis, I'm going to be able to do this. I'm going to do this. Because that's just how I'm built.

Besides, no damn ceiling can't hold me. If I can borrow from Macklemore, Ryan Lewis and Ray Dalton.

This is the moment. Tonight is the night, we'll fight 'til it's over.

So we put our hands up like the ceiling can't hold us.

Like the ceiling can't hold us.

Let the night come, before the fight's won.

Some might run against the test.

But those that triumph, embrace the fight

Cause their fears then prove that courage exists.

  Yun eh. I love this song.

But I still hate Thrift Shop. Eugh.

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Thesis blues and prayers

Hi Jess.

I just want this out there.

It's three days until the Thesis deadline.

And I cannot believe that despite my constant tardiness and running behind schedule (and admission that when this all goes down the toilet, it'll entirely be my fault), You send me some words of encouragement. Despite my shortcomings, You give me hope, no matter how tiny this hope-candle I'm carrying is flickering, that I'm doing this right. Funny and interestingly enough, I have hope. A very faint pang of hope (do people get pangs of hope?). But no matter how I think this hope I have is negligible, it is hope nonetheless.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Pero sabi nga ng Hanson sa kanta nilang For Your Love mula sa bago nilang album...

"Like the northern star, you guide me

When I journey far from home

And now that I have you beside me

There is no way that I'll let you go"

At ang solid mong sagot na chorus ng kantang ito:

"If you're lost then, I will find you

And if you ask me

I'll lay my life down, not for glory

I'm striving for your love.

I'm fighting."

Basta ikaw, Lord. Basta ikaw.

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Thesis Fears

I recently heard Phillip Phillip's Gone, Gone, Gone on the radio. I was switching radio stations this morning, on the drive to school, to find something to listen to. I watched bits of American Idol when he was on it. But I couldn't recognize the voice on the radio. The song was... well, touching. His voice sounded so folksy that I thought it was one of those hipster bands that I like listening to. Imagine my surprise when google told me it was Phillip Phillips.

So I've been sitting here in the coffee shop at school for an hour now. Almost two. I'm supposed to be writing my thesis. But admittedly, I'm stalling. I have no idea what to write. I don't know how to tackle this in a way that it won't get eaten up when the time comes to defend it. See, I believe in my topic. I believe in what I want to write. Heck, my thesis adviser even believes in this stuff. Thing is, I just don't know what to put down in words.

Ah well, I might be bad at putting stuff down into words.

I wish I could just write like this. While the academic exercise is important to (occasionally) flex my brain cells, I wish I could just write like this. I'm sitting here with a friend. He's in the year below me and earlier, we were talking about our siblings. He's the youngest of three; while, I feel like the eldest of four. We were talking about how the youngest gets to "reap the benefits" so to speak because the older siblings help out with his expenses. You know, I wish I could just have conversations about family.

Obviously, I do not enjoy writing my JD thesis.

But I have to keep reminding myself. 

  Maybe it all boils down again to that question - why do I do what I do?

I have to keep reminding myself.

  The past few days, I've been looking for that song or quote to help me pull through, or even inspire me to finish this already. That T.I. "God-won't-take-me-where-He-can't-take-me-through" quote got me through that grueling two weeks in college, one of the most difficult things I had to do. That Gym Class Heroes/Ryan Tedder song The Fighter got me through months of studying, recitations, exams, and training for that thirty or so minutes of fame I spent in Japan - "Give 'em hell. Turn their heads" or go home trying.

I have two weeks and a day to finish my thesis. Fifteen days. Thing is, I know I can do this. But I don't know how to write my analysis. I don't know how to write my conclusion. Where should I get my arguments from? Am I doing this right? Am I writing this right? Am I seeing this right? There are so many questions and doubts that prevent me from finishing this damn thing. I just have no idea how to finish writing it.

But I realize that I always keep coming back to this.

I guess I have to thank 99.5 Play FM for this. Because, like so many things in my life, I feel like I'm walking aimlessly with this. I look at the window and it's dark outside. It's going to rain. It's that time of the year again. And I've always thought that when it's raining, it's the best kind of weather. I love it when it rains. No matter that sometimes, I had to walk through floods or get my feet muddy because of it. To me, it's always a good omen when it rains. I always look out for it on my birthday.

So as I sit here, anticipating my good omen, Phillip Phillips sings to me -

"When life leaves you high and dry, I'll be at your door tonight if you need help, if you need help.

Your hope dangling by a string, I'll share in your suffering to make you well, to make you well.

Give me reasons to believe that you would do the same for me.

And I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on, I love you long after you're gone. For you, for you.

When you fall like a statue, I'm gonna be there to catch you, put you on your feet.

And if your well is empty, not a thing will prevent me.

Tell me what you need, what you need?

You're my backbone.

You're my cornerstone.

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.

You're my head start.

You're my rugged heart.

You're the pulse that I've always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating."

Dear Jesus, You never fail to surprise me. You always find astonishing ways to tug at my restless heart.

So, as my beautiful friend Steffi put it, "pero narealize ko din na gaya sa lahat ng bagay, there will never be a perfect circumstance that could launch our intentions in the most ideal trajectory kaya't dibali na and here goes my best effort."

  For you, for you.

  At kung pwede mangarap.

  Like Neil Gaiman, Lalay, don't stop writing. (Pero pwede rin Like Pope Francis, Lalay, don't stop praying. Hahaha)

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Cambodia 2013

So I did go to Cambodia for a couple of days. I went to Siem Reap to go see the famous Angkor temples. The structures just lord over you. We had a guide with us. He explained most of the carvings/statues/etc. But mostly, the temples were built to serve as the capital for the Khmer civilization. Kings built them as memorials for their ancestors. They built them and dedicated them to their Hindu gods and Buddha. Funny, while I was walking inside the temples, I was thinking - wow, people built this back in the 800s-1000s as a testament to their gods/religion. Mega giant structures for religion. And you know, I'm not Hindu nor a Buddhist. But just thinking that people, way way way way back in the day with their crude equipment, built such towering structures, you can't miss God.To me, He was there. I know the Angkor temples are not meant for the Christian God, but man, if you weren't somehow moved by seeing these temples, I dunno what you are.

Moving from place to place, I told my sister (my travel companion) these things. Also, I told her about how building the Angkor temples most likely meant slave labor and animal cruelty (those poor elephants). And thinking about religion and these holy places people built way back when to honor their faith made me want to go see St. Peter's Square and stand in front of the Basilica in Vatican City. I'm just thinking about what standing there might feel like, looking at the structures meant to honor my religion, and I'm already feeling a little bit overwhelmed. I wonder what it would feel like when I'm actually there. Yes, when. One day. And I'd probably muse about slave labor too while looking at the cathedrals. But for now, I'm happy and content with just exploring the rest of Asia.

This is also the first international trip that's taken me to a third world country. I'm not entirely sure if Cambodia is a third world country. Siem Reap is a province of Cambodia, far from the capital city of Phnom Penh. We were told by our guide that Phuket, Thailand is even closer to Siem Reap. While the internet tells me that Phnom Penh is a relatively developed city, Siem Reap is a province very similar to a lot of the provinces we have here in the Philippines. So yeah, it was mostly third world conditions - children selling their wares in and out of the temples, bumpy roads, and very cheap finds (after you haggle that is. Beautiful scarves go for US$1.50 or Php60. Table cloths go from US$50 before haggling and then US$9 after). Most of the locals were on motorcycles - 3 people, at least, on one and none of them wearing a helmet. It was hot. Extremely hot and humid. Manila weather at its summer finest. And Siem Reap was basically teeming with tourists. And it wasn't even peak season when I was there! There were loads of Asians - Chinese, Vietnamese, Koreans (there's even a sort of Koreatown there. The Koreans are EVERYWHERE), and some Japanese. There were also a ton of Caucasians. Like a ton. We talked with a few American and British travelers. And really, I can see the appeal of Siem Reap to these foreigners. To me, it was as if I was just in some popular province of the country. Plus, we Filipinos look like Cambodians too, probably because of our shared Malay heritage. To them, the surroundings probably looked really alien and exotic to them.

It's election season there too. Looking at the children there and reading about the corruption that has marred their country, it was as if I never left.

These things like seeing giant temples dedicated to gods and seeing poverty in another country made me feel like we're no different. This is what my International Criminal Law and Public International Law professor used to tell us - that really we're no different from a lot of other countries. Cambodia was colonized too (but by the French). They were subject to a brutal civil war some time after the French occupation. Most of the population live on a dollar or less a day. It's the same conditions - even the same weather. This is one of the reasons why I love traveling (and subsequently, international law). It's soaking in another peoples culture. It's feeling small at 5 in the afternoon, sitting in front of the sun at the top of Phnom Bakheng, waiting for the infamous sunset, surrounded by people of different skin color (interestingly, I think I only saw one black guy there), all talking in their native tongues. It's sitting there, realizing that you have no idea what the person next to you is talking about because he might be talking in Chinese, Japanese, Thai, or Vietnamese, or some European language (I'm rather really bad at these Asian languages. Actually, any language other than Filipino or English. My sister kept hearing snippets of Mandarin and then she'd tell me what the Chinese people were talking about. Haha. Eavesdropping.), and once again reaffirming that you are just a tiny cog in this gargantuan universe. It's the same thing with international law. We have hundreds of countries, but then most of us adhere to the very same customs and general principles of international law. There's kind of an order in this sort of chaos. And really, the world is entirely too beautiful when you think about it.

Weirdly enough, these are the things I do and think about when I'm in another country. I eat the local cuisine (Fish Amok is the BEST. But interestingly enough, I've had the best Italian food in Siem Reap at a restaurant off of Pub Street). I feel small. I look for God in the most unlikely of places. And I look for cute boys. Mehehe.

On to the next airport - still the best places in the world in my book.

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Of forgiveness and colloquy

I’ve been listening to the same song for the past thirty minutes. I have a habit of doing this, especially when I’m thinking about something I need to put down in words. This time, it’s Gavin DeGraw’s Not Over You.

Apparently, it’s a relatively old song – released in 2011. I heard it on the radio this morning, on the way to school. (As a side note, this is why I still listen to the radio, despite having my iPod and technology allowing me to be my very own DJ. I get to discover new and old songs.) And it’s beautiful. It’s extremely catchy. But, mostly, it’s beautiful. I love how he sounds so pained throughout the song. And it seems very real to me. Weird. I mean, I have this weird affinity with songs, really. I just love how they can evoke these visceral feelings out of me. But just – read this: “I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me. Turn around and I'm back in the game, even better than the old me. But I’m not even close without you. If you ask me, how I'm doing, I would say I’m doing just fine. I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind. But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two and finally I’m forced to face the truth. No matter what I say, I'm not over you.” Boom.

But I’m not here to write about lost loves, insecurities, and boys who might’ve been the one that got away. I’m stalling and I’m supposed to write about forgiveness and the colloquy. Forgiveness because I’ve got to give this talk about it and the colloquy because I’ve been reading this book by a Jesuit and I got to that part in the book where one of the Ignatian practices is where we imagine ourselves talking to God, Jesus or Mary. But allow me to write this in one go because these things might not be mutually exclusive in the end.

I’m not the best person to be talking about forgiveness. I know nothing about it and I sure as hell don’t practice it. I can’t even think about it without doing other things, like talk to friends online or check out what’s the first song I ever put in my iTunes. But, mostly, I think it’s a difficult topic that many of us would like to avoid. For instance, for me, I don’t want to talk about it because I can’t do it. While I find it hard to talk about, it doesn’t mean that it’s not real or it doesn’t exist or that I haven’t been forgiven by others in my life. It also doesn’t mean that I haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt me. I have. But half of me thinks that I haven’t when it matters.

I’ll be the first person to admit that forgiveness is one of those things that's extremely hard to do or even aspire to. It’s difficult. It goes to the very core of our beings and our belief system. It gets tangled up with pride, self-worth and arrogance. And then it requires a whole lot from us – things that we find hard to give or give up. It’s hard to give up pride, let down our guard for a bit, and let humility in. It’s hard to even think about forgiving someone when we feel like that other person doesn’t deserve it, especially if we stack up that person’s faults and shortcomings. It’s hard to do especially since we think that we’re worth much more and that other person doesn’t deserve another minute, even a second, of our precious time.

Obviously, I am the epitome of a person who thinks too much of herself. (Hehe) But, as I said, this doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen it happening – forgiving and being forgiven. I need not look that far to know that it’s possible. My parents have done it countless times. I dunno if it’s just hard-wired in their systems because we’re their children. But, for the most part, I know that while they find it extremely difficult to do so, they forgive – not because it’s hard-wired into them and expected of them – but because they know that while it’s the right thing to do, it’s also the most loving thing to do. As a side note, I wish that, one day, I can be as strong as my parents.

See, it’s real. While I want to be able to forgive (but just can’t seem to do so), I know it’s real. And its realness is best exemplified by none other than Jesus Himself. I can go on and on and on about what kind of person I think I am. But at the end of the day, I know that I am a sinner. I know that I am human. I know that while I know a ton of these things about life and faith, I will stumble. I will forget. I will do something wrong. I will sin. But despite that, He saved me. He saved me. Oftentimes, I ask myself WHO DOES THAT. Who. Does. That. While everyone tells us that we are made in the image and likeness of God and how we’re all supposed to follow in the footsteps of Christ, I often think TALAGA? Can we do it? I mean, really, who does that? What kind of being continuously decides to forgive and love me and my tiny heart? Jesus really is one and only. While we’re called to (at least) try to be like Him, I ask myself another question – WHO LOVES LIKE THAT? This realization – that I am loved despite what kind of person I was, am or turn out to be – always, always floors me.

Okay, confession time. Despite the stuff that I’ve earlier said, I often pray at night that He grant me that kind of heart that’s able to look back and believe that it doesn’t matter. I often tell Him that I harbor a fearful heart and hope that He grants me one that’s able to not only forgive, but love.

So, now, let me go on about the colloquy. Funny how I’ve encountered the questions Ignatius wants us to deal with when doing the colloquy years ago and only recently found out what they mean. Back in 2009, while in Xavier School, I saw these three sentences plastered on the wall. I thought they were really good sentences to always reflect on. But I never managed to get them down. Last night, while reading, I encountered the same sentences again.

This is what the book said: “We touched on the idea of “speaking” with God by imagining god, or Jesus, in front of you. And I confessed that I’ve always found this a difficult way to pray. But for Ignatius it was an essential part of the Spiritual Exercises: he wanted you to come to know God, and Jesus. Conversation, or what he calls a “colloquy,” was one way of doing this… At the end of most meditations in the Exercises, Ignatius recommends that we imagine ourselves speaking to Mary, Jesus, and God the Father. Ignatius asks us to speak with Jesus on the cross and ask ourselves, What have I done for Christ? What am I doing for Christ? What ought I do for Christ?”

Those three questions, to me, are so beautiful. And I believe it can lead us to great realizations about ourselves, our relationships, and Christ.

I try to ask myself these three questions on a daily basis now, emphasis on try.

But let me answer them on paper, for the first time.

What have I done for Christ?

Today? What have I done for Christ, today? WALA. Hahaha. I'm not entirely sure. I now live a very boring existence where I stay at home as much as I can because I’ve recently turned into a vampire and melt in this heat. But mostly, I’ve been thinking about what I want out of my life. I’ve been thinking about those “deepest desire, the ones that shape our lives: desires that help us know who we are to become and what we are to do. Our deep desires help us know God’s desires for us and how much God desires to be with us.” I’m thinking of those things that would help me find my way. Kind of like how I know that “[I] should want to be more forgiving of someone in the community, but [I] don’t desire it”. And in my own brand of twisted logic, today, thinking about these things, I hope that I’ve been trying to find my way to know what He desires for me.

What am I doing for Christ? What ought I do for Christ?

For one thing, I ought to go beyond just thinking about these things.

But today, I, once again, admit my selfishness. I acknowledge all those things that God has given me to do what it is I currently do. But I also admit my inability to do anything about those things that I can’t do anything about. I admit my sinfulness. I admit my own feebleness and my need for God. And through this, I hope and pray that I may be “able to see more clearly our need for God, who invites us to grow in love, no matter how many times we take a step backward.” (emphasis mine)

I’ve written almost 1,600 words already about this and to be honest, I’ve no idea if I was able to do write what I was meant to write. I feel like this essay is a hodgepodge of crazy ideas that just had to be recorded. But I do know that I have an extremely long way to go. And hand on my heart, tamaan man ako ng kidlat ngayon, I know that I’m taking baby steps. Super kaduper infinitesimal (YES NAGAMIT KO NA RIN YUNG WORD NA ‘TO) baby steps. But I can only hope, right? One can only hope.

  “Seek grace in the smallest things, and you will also find grace to accomplish, to believe in, and to hope for the greatest things.

-       Blessed Peter Favre, S.J.

[aworkaday365-blog]

DAY 299

“Dance world!”

Quote taken from the viral kid president clip

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Letters to friends

Dear friend,

Congratulations because you are a few days away from bidding college life goodbye. I am extremely proud of you and I know the rest of the clan is too. Isipin mo, nauna ka pang matapos sakin. Well, nauna naman talaga akong natapos sayo. I just chose to extend living off my parents by pursuing grad school. Haha.

My only hope for you, as is for myself and my younger siblings, is that you find your own way. In this coming new season of your life, I know that you'll go through a lot of new things, adjustments will be in order, and I'm sure you're going to ask yourself the questions that, at some point or another, we all ask ourselves. Like, is this really what I want to do? Is this the right path for me? What am I going to do with rest of my life?

I'm sure you'll find your own answers to these questions. They may not come at once. They will leave you stumped, most days. But I'm sure you'll find your way there. But what do I know? I'm just a 22-year old stuck in school. But what I do know is this - no matter what obstacles you'll encounter in life, He won't ever take you to where He can't take you through. In college, I was told that oftentimes we tell God how big our problems are. Yet, most days, we fail to realize that God is and always will be bigger than any problem we'll have to deal with. Whatever it is you decide to pursue, do it with hope, love, and grace. And make sure that you do it for His glory. And when you struggle because of day-to-day troubles and worries, pray. Also, as the Jesuits have taught me, see God in all things. In all things. And once you do, everything else will fall into place.

"I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke

Know that I am always praying with and for you. I got your back, yo.

Again congratulations, and you go ahead and live your way into the answer. :)

[howtobeacartoonheart]

February blues (and why this isn't a valentines post despite the misleading title)

I have a photo of Kid President and the quote: "Don't stop believing unless you're dream is stupid -Journey" plastered over KP's face. Oh man. I love this Kid. I may have forgotten his name. But I do know that he's 9 years old and he's got a bone condition. This Kid has gone viral. His pep talk video has over 9 million views. And I saw that video once a day the week I was introduced to his amazing Pep Talk. I've seen his other videos and I especially love the one where he interviews Josh Groban (and calls him Joshua Grovan instead).

At the start of his Pep Talk, he tells the viewer: "The world needs you to stop being boring. Yeah, you! Boring is easy. Anybody can be boring. But you're good-er than that." He goes on to tell us the story of Michael Jordan and how MJ never quit. He retired. But he didn't quit... but asks, what if MJ quit in high school? He answers: "he wouldn't have made Space Jam." He then reads 2 sentences of Robert Frost's famous poem. He says he took the road less traveled. AND IT HURT. He says, "Not cool, Robert Frost." He then wonders, what if there really was two roads. He decides that he would like to take the one that would lead him to awesome. He then says "It's like that dude Journey says. Don't stop believing... unless you're dream is stupid. Then you should get a better dream. Get a better dream and keep going, keep going."

I'd like to think that every law student asks him or herself this question at some point - "what am I doing here?" To me, it's like the mother of all questions. It's kind of like you're doing a flow chart and all the arrows go from there. It's like the umbrella question of all umbrella questions. It's the question that gives birth to the other questions such as:

What did I get myself into?

What will I get from this?

Why is it so difficult?

When will this torture end?? (with matching gyahhh screams and kicks at the universe)

Is it all worth it?

I have been going through some existential crisis of sorts this past week. The worst possible timing ever because, surprise, surprise, I have a ton of stuff to do for law school. I'm supposed to be reading law journals now regarding my thesis, but my brain is super saturated right now with all these international law instruments and why it's not enough in dealing with kids who commit international crimes such as genocide. (Gyaaah UNIVERSE!!! *fist shaking in the air*)

In high school, I figured out that I was really good at talking. I was really good at public speaking. But I couldn't see myself as some radio DJ or host or something. In high school, not only was I good at talking, I was good at arguing. And I enjoyed it. So I asked myself then, why not make money out of these things I like and become a lawyer? It seemed the most logical explanation for 15/16 year old me! In college, I can say with all honesty, that I worked hard so that I could get into law school. I worked for this. Now, I have a month and a couple of weeks left in my junior year of law school and you'd think I'd have it all figured out. If I wanted out, I wouldn't have spent 3 years of my life with this mind-numbing-heart-wrenching torture.

But the thing is, I'm kind of sure. "Kind of" being the operative phrase. Kind of, because now, I'm not sure if after I graduate, I'll be a lawyer for the rest of my life. Kind of, because now, I'm not even sure I'm going into litigation so that I can have my day in court - talk and argue and all the high school misconceptions about law school. I'm scared shitless of the idea of going into litigation. Honestly, I think I've already lost that reason I thought of in high school of why I want to go to law school. And in a lot of ways, law school is the only thing I have going on for me now.

But in spite of all these kindas and unknown futures, I'd like to think the dream I've spent years on isn't stupid. I'm enjoying it. I mean, don't get me wrong - I sometimes come to class knowing zero percent of the material assigned for that day. (In which case, I spend the meeting trying to read through any material I get my hands on, while simultaneously praying to anyone who'd want to take pity on my soul that I wouldn't get called by the professor.) But there are also a ton of moments when I realize that the law is beautiful and I'm being schooled by the most intelligent professors. I've also met the most amazing people. Most of the time, I just know that I'm entirely too blessed to be able to do the stuff that I do.

So I'd like to keep going, really. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. 

Keep going in spite of, despite of. Right now, I'm not entirely sure what the answers to my questions are. I may not know how these things will present themselves in the future. But it's something to be excited about. After all, Jesus said "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) In other words, as Kid President said, "we were made to be awesome".

I may be down and out in the meantime. But, ultimately, a little faith and hope can go a long way.

Towards the end of the video, Kid President says: "What will you create that would make the world awesome? Nothing if you keep sitting there!"

Excuse me, while I get back to my thesis.

[As a post script, I just reread the entire thing again and realized that I used the word "enjoy" when describing my reasons in high school. And I used the same word, italicized it even, to describe what I'm doing now. Hmmm.]

[soulpancake]

A big THANK YOU from Kid President!

[howtobeacartoonheart]

KID PRESIDENT!

[howtobeacartoonheart]

Holocene

Bon Iver.

I listened to Holocene today. According to the wikipedia entry (entirely reliable, I know) about it, it was nominated for some Grammy Award at some point. And rightly so, I believe. It's just that kind of song that makes you go maaan, well, this is wonderful. I especially love the line "And I once I knew I was not magnificent, hulled far from the highway aisle". I googled the song (apart from the wikipedia-ing) so that I could find out more about it. Somewhere, I read that Justin Vernon, the guy who's basically Bon Iver, said that the song is "also the name of a geologic era, an epoch if you will. It's a good example of how all the songs are all meant to come together as this idea that places are times and people are places and times are... people? [Laughs.] They can all be different and the same at the same time. Most of our lives feel like these epochs. That's kind of what the song's about. "Once I knew I was not magnificent." Our lives feel like these epochs, but really we are dust in the wind. But I think there's a significance in that insignificance".

I've been kind of toying with this idea for the past few weeks, wondering how I'm supposed to make this year count, make it worth the while. But mostly, I'm feeling every bit insignificant and well... it gets me wondering if I'm not all that I thought I was cracked out to be or am or something. I feel like I haven't challenged myself this new year. I feel like I'm... stagnant, if stagnation is every bit a feeling. It's a lot like I don't think I've done anything purposeful to change my life or be somebody.

Granted it's just 3 weeks into the new year. And I've got months to go. Days, if I want to kid myself and stretch it. But see, I want to make it count. For some reason, I do. But I have no idea how. And mostly, I don't think I have the courage to be someone else. I feel like I'm too comfortable in my own skin that I'm not going to do anything that would deviate from the everyday stuff that I do. Okay, so I feel like I'm incredibly boring. Haha. And I'm not making any sense in this ramble. But I've wanted to write something for the past few weeks and keep putting it off.

Ah well, I must be listening to too much of Bon Iver and the fact that I haven't had a decent or meaningful conversation with someone/meaningful realization/whatever because I've been stuck the past few weeks trying to deal with law school midterm exams. (Ah yes, law school, I'm three years in and I am grateful for the opportunity to be taking exams, but sometimes, you just take my soul for your insane needs.)

Okay, so mostly I feel stuck. 

To more screwy Bon Iver songs. Law school recitations and the next 11 months to wait and see. And maybe.

[pleatedjeans]

[howtobeacartoonheart]

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty-twoooh

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-twooooh[1]

  I've had a great year. I know a ton of people say this, and maybe not a ton of them mean it. But believe me when I say, I've had a great wonderful superb year. A lot of things happened this year that I never ever thought would happen to me. So, if you could indulge me, unknown reader in the random interents or if you happen to be a friend who has nothing else to do but read some of the nonsense I randomly spew out[2], allow me to look back at one of the greatest years of my life by running through some of the things that happened this year that I never ever thought would happen to me.

Let me start with, I got my heart broken this year. By a boy. (Cue eews and me cringing all over because EEEW.)[3] And yes, getting my heart broken by a boy was something that I never ever thought would happen to me this year. While I know that getting my heart broken is always possible and inevitable, I don’t think anyone hopes or prays that his or her heart would be smooshed in pieces by someone special when he or she thinks of what he or she expects would happen in the new year. At least, in my case, I never saw it coming. 2012 opened up with a great possibility of falling in love with someone whom I shared the same enthusiasm for indie music, OPM, friendship and God. In more ways than one, I know that this boy changed me. I threw out the rulebook for this one. But in purely metaphorical sense, he threw me under a bus. And whatever was between us at the beginning of the year was just gone. This boy and I remain are friends to this day. Though we no longer speak on a daily basis, we still see each other sometimes and share a laugh. We still continue to share music with each other[4], albeit sporadically. While I have to admit, and for the first time at that, sometimes, it pains me to see him because it reminds me of what we could’ve been, I figure it’s okay.

  This year, I started my year serving in Days With The Lord by bringing two of my friends from law school to days. It was a great Days weekend, one that I will always, always be grateful for. I became really close to those two boys after that. The weekends following that, I was unable to serve anymore because I got busy and there was this unknowable conflict between me and some Days friends. So I missed a ton of weekends and told one of my Days kids that I was taking a break from serving. Yet, I ended 2012 serving (almost) full-time for a weekend. That weekend, I realized I missed Days – the sleepless nights, the laughs, the prayers, the singing wonderful Days songs, and everything that happens during a weekend. That last weekend also helped me remember why I serve in the first place. We were told by the most unlikely of all unlikely Days people that he does not serve because he likes it or dahil wala lang. He serves to be able to pay it forward – to share the love he felt (and is still feeling) from Him to new participants, to others. And I also realized that it doesn't matter if I stop going to Days because, really, it’s okay.

  Academically-speaking, I’ve had a good year. This year, I realized that law school can be prevented, like a disease! In freshman year, I was always encouraging people to try law school even though it’s challenging. Now, I tell friends contemplating going to law school that it is not for the faint-hearted. It requires commitment and sacrificing your social life for, hopefully, the greater good. But in any case, I haven’t failed any law school subject yet[5] and earned my very first paycheck while working as a law firm intern. I am and will forever be grateful for the grade I got for Taxation I.[6] I am also grateful for the two semestral grade averages I got this year, both of which hitting the high 80s, but both failing to cross the mark so that I’d be part of the Dean’s List. But Dean’s List or not, I don’t mind. I’m good, because, honest, it’s okay.

This year, I got to travel to three Asian countries[7] with three different sets of people. In April, I went to Singapore with my whole family. In August, about a week shy before turning 22, I went to Japan with the greatest teammates a person could ever have. In October, I went to China with my sister and three of my awesome friends from law school. I had the time of my life and now, I really, really caught the travel bug. And without a doubt, this wanderlust disease that I’ve got going, is okay.

  But really, it goes without saying that the best thing that happened to me this year was being able to spend a week in Tokyo, Japan. Around March of this year, my friend and I had this dare about us going about world domination and why not start with joining a moot court competition.[8] So we did. While I know that I’ve written about my Asia Cup experience before, let me just sum up by saying that it was months and months of hard work, doubts, prayers, and tears, all culminating to that one point where my partner and I hugged tightly[9] when they announced who the 1st runner up was and it wasn’t us.[10] I competed. I met wonderful people in the form of my teammates and coach. And until the next Asia Cup, I am the ranking 6th Best Oralist. Now, my teammates and I have this unexplainable bond and memories that we will forever share among us. And this is really, more than what I bargained for and more than okay.

Now if you’ve noticed, which I’m sure you have, I have ended every paragraph, save for the first one and the bit about competing, with it’s okay. The most important thing that I’ve come to terms with this year are those two words – it’s okay. I think, in the past, I put everything on a pedestal that I never saw the value of being okay with the simple or the downright rotten. Prior to this year, I’ve come to hate the excuse “I/we’re only human”. I could never reconcile the feeling of being desperate or depressed when we have a God whose more than willing to give us what we need. I never got that. I came to terms with these words rather very early in the year.[11] I’m very grateful for that early start because I was able to continuously relearn what it meant and stretch out what that meaning was into different aspects of my life.

  It’s okay to feel alone sometimes.[12] It’s okay to feel lonely sometimes.[13] It’s okay to feel like you can’t take anymore and that your mind’s just going to explode.[14] It’s okay to have gone to only one concert/gig this year.[15] It’s okay to have missed seeing Hanson, Lifehouse, and Up Dharma Down. It’s okay to spend hours on end watching How I Met Your Mother. It’s okay to miss a few celebrations and some parties. It’s okay to grow old. It’s okay to be mad sometimes. It’s okay to feel insecure. It’s okay to hope. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to be human. It’s all perfectly okay because it gets you to where you’re supposed to be. It’s the stuff in between that’s able to get us from January 1 of a New Year, all optimistic, to a December 31, at 8:05 in the evening, writing this year-ender, thinking about what a year it has been. And then, hopefully, it gets to be more than okay.

  This year, I met wonderful people. I was able to forge[16] wonderful friendships. I was able to spend wonderful moments with friends[17] and family.[18] I got to see two beautiful people get married.[19] I discovered beautiful music[20]. I watched great movies.[21] I saw a beautiful musical.[22] I took some risks.

  I have learned a great deal about acceptance this year. And while I still harbor a fearful heart – I am scared of what the new year will bring; I fear that 2012 was just too good to me that every year after that one might just be a let-down – it’s okay. God has given me a new year, one where I can take all that I’ve learned from this one and apply it to all kinds of things. So here’s to the New Year – one where I just might be a more forgiving person, one where I just might meet the boy, one where I learn more about myself, one where I’d be able to fall in love with a multitude of things and people, one which will bring me to Dubai or Taiwan or Korea or Vienna[23], one where I get to finish and defend my Juris Doctor thesis, one where I get to see all kinds of concerts. Here’s to the New Year – who knows, it just might top this 2012 one, and be more than okay.[24]

[1] Entry title from Taylor Swift’s song 22. (Yes, there will be footnotes. Greatly inspired by attempts to write my Juris Doctor thesis and other law school-required writing material, writing memorials for simulated ICJ proceedings, and John Green’s An Abundance of Katherine’s and Sophie Kinsella’s I’ve Got Your Number)

[2] In which case, HI FRIEND!!

[3] Note that the combination of all-caps EEEW and cringing means that I have gotten over this boy.

[4] Which incidentally, how we started anyway. Sharing music must be a trap. Haha.

[5] And I hope and pray, EVER.

[6] 75, in case you’re wondering.

[7] Four, if we’re counting that almost two-hour layover in Taiwan before getting to Japan.

[8] A total non-sequitur, if you’ve ever seen one. Haha.

[9] I also got that other hug in Tokyo Disney Sea from Goofy, dressed in an Indiana Jones outfit. Oh and that other hug from this cute Mongolian boy, representing China, which was documented through pictures.

[10] Because we won.

[11] In February, actually.

[12] Taken from that one email I sent to a friend, with whom I shared this being okay with “it’s okay”

[13] Id.

[14] Id.

[15] My only concert of 2012 was the New Kids On the Block/Backstreet Boys (NKOTBSB) show. It. Was. Awesome.

[16] The word forge always makes me think of Lord of the Rings and how the ring was forged and all that.

[17] Included here are going to the NKOTBSB concert with Pam, Ayie’s surprise faux-birthday party, Carlo’s rectorship batch, eating at a pizzeria in Hong Kong with friends, random dinners, and bangketa-moments with law school friends

[18] With everyone from my dad’s side coming to the Philippines last October and (almost) everyone from my mom’s side last December

[19] That’s you and Al, Steffi, if you were wondering.

[20] The Oktaves, Mumford and Sons, and Ed Sheeran, Carly Rae Jepsen (Yes, the Call Me Maybe girl) being some of them

[21] Rise of the Guardians, Wreck-it-Ralph, The Dark Knight Rises, Love Actually (even though that didn’t come out this year. But I was able to see it again.)

[22] Wicked The Musical. It. Was. Wonderful.

[23] Vienna, for quite possibly, another competition. This year Asia, next year, the world nga raw :p

[24] Thank you for taking time to read this treatise about my 2012, aptly titled, because this year I turned 22 with a Toy Story cake. Haha. That did not make any sense. Happy New Year reader, I wish only the best for you this 2013. And in the words of Neil Gaiman: “I hope you'll make mistakes. If you're making mistakes, it means you're out there doing something. And the mistakes in themselves can be useful. And remember that whatever discipline you are in, whether you are a musician or a photographer, a fine artist or a cartoonist, a writer, a dancer, a designer, whatever you do you have one thing that's unique. You have the ability to make art. And for me, and for so many of the people I have known, that's been a lifesaver. The ultimate lifesaver. It gets you through good times and it gets you through the other ones. Life is sometimes hard. Things go wrong, in life and in love and in business and in friendship and in health and in all the other ways that life can go wrong. And when things get tough, this is what you should do. Make good art. While you are at it, make your art. Do the stuff that only you can do.”