#ljn.

[markplsthatsbad]

i’m nervous.

my shows pick up tomorrow, as payback for breaking my contract. 5 shows a week and i’m surrounded by loads of people and can’t get out of it. i’m glad doyoung and taeyong know, yeah -- but i really can’t look at the rest of this dorm properly if they find out what’s happening. this is where i should’ve just stuck to what i was doing with gahyeon. she wouldn’t be in the situation she’s in, and i could’ve just continued on with what i was doing. things would’ve been far better than this.

please don’t question it. please don’t question it when i lock the door tonight

[markplsthatsbad]

i just can’t get out of this shitty funk that i’m in and i really do appreciate gahyeon for coming out and seeing me, because things just went to being easy as soon as i had someone i felt like i could talk to. it’s nice to just have that comfort blanket of a person to make myself feel better, but this funk isn’t passing. i just have to go and focus on evreything else to keep my head clear. maybe not on him either, because my heart keeps doing the little dum dum things when i do.

[markplsthatsbad]

distancing myself from the group? probably not the best idea, but the rest of them have their own stuff going on and maybe it’s not a good idea with my dumbass being around and questioning things. i don’t wanna get mad. i don’t want people’s stupidity rubbing off on me and making me snap. i want people to think i’m doing good.

i fucked up with gahyeon today. i’m trying to work around the fact that we didn’t know each other, and it’s just forcing all this stress on her. my contract runs out soon, and i had to tell her. she snapped and it just turned into a huge fucking argument and i hate that it did. because she’s nice and i really don’t fucking know how to make up for 19 years of not knowing each other

and for some reason? i’m flirting with jeno? or trying to at least?

and this????? is happening i guess