sideblog for mark lee

[markplsthatsbad]

i’m nervous.

my shows pick up tomorrow, as payback for breaking my contract. 5 shows a week and i’m surrounded by loads of people and can’t get out of it. i’m glad doyoung and taeyong know, yeah -- but i really can’t look at the rest of this dorm properly if they find out what’s happening. this is where i should’ve just stuck to what i was doing with gahyeon. she wouldn’t be in the situation she’s in, and i could’ve just continued on with what i was doing. things would’ve been far better than this.

please don’t question it. please don’t question it when i lock the door tonight

[markplsthatsbad]

that’s... not how i wanted to spend my night. i can sit there and say it was whatever they thought, but someone spiked my drink on the way back from that picnic with jk and i’m scared haha

[markplsthatsbad]

why is my heart the kind of one that always ends up wanting to try and help out as many people as possible.

i don’t blame hyuck. feelings for people come at the wrong time. i?? honestly think i might be in the same kind of situation right now, so it’s.. understandable. i just don’t want him to hate himself for something that you can’t help. i mean, the only thing that’s really going to be difficult is how awkward he’s probably made it. i could kind of feel it at the show earlier, but i’m glad all of them kind of kept it to themselves. i don’t think it’s going to go as bad as all of them think it’s going to go, but honestly? i think he needs to just.. make his mind up. (great advice mark, maybe learn to take it yourself)

gahyeon being upset really rattled me for some reason. i don’t normally like seeing her as upset as she was yesterday, but for some reason -- it really fucked with me. gahyeon is literally like the other half of me at this point. someone i want to help out with no matter what, but it hurt her. she wasn’t upset about what happened. she was okay with that. we have the same kind of outlook on these things. she was just more upset about how she felt like he was going to have to choose. i think i managed to calm her down. we sat and had a tub of ice cream and had that.. deep heart to heart talk about how i’d support her no matter what, and we both had that tiny little cry again. i don’t.. think i actually made things better giving her his shirt, but.. if it gives her some kind of comfort then we’re okay.

and taeil... i don’t know. i wanted to check up on him, but i feel like i’d probably just get my head snapped off if i try, but... i just wanna make sure he’s doing okay too.

god, if anything, i’m super thankful for jungkook. just to get out and enjoy the company of someone i like talking to. it’s nice to have someone who doesn’t really care or want all the bullshit that comes with the dumb drama i’m surrounded with.

[markplsthatsbad]

“i was going to apologize”

no, you fucking apologized because someone made you. 

[markplsthatsbad]

giant fucking asshole. that’s literally the only thing going through my head right now. you sit there and shun and hate me for the work i do?? but if you know what jeno and doyoung were doing, would you be pissed with them? probably fucking not. you’re so far up their asses it really doesn’t matter.

fuck, i don’t think i’ve ever actually been this pissed with taeyong before.

[markplsthatsbad]

“나는 항상 당신의 팀에있을 것입니다. 당신은 그것에 대해 걱정할 필요가 없습니다.”

                    “i am always going to be on your team. you                              never have to worry about that.”

  a moodboard for mark and gahyeon lee. use by @yeehawshmeehaw only

[koiss-ugh]

when you try and improve yourself but you’re still the same

[markplsthatsbad]

last nights show was difficult. i know jeno’s okay with it and i really am happy that he’s okay with it -- but i can’t do what they make me do with him in the room. it’s not fair, and i’m pretty sure it’d make him uncomfortable. i like the cam work. it’s once a week, and easy for me to do, but having to work around everyone it’s what’s most frightening to me. i literally don’t want anyone else looking at me weird about it. i work so fucking hard to keep the four different jobs i have a secret. the bodyguarding i can handle getting out. the shit me and gahyeon are involved in, i can cope with getting out -- but that??? i can’t and fuck me am i on edge.

it’s one thing for other people to judge me, but i can’t deal with them hating me over it. i don’t wanna be looked down on. fuck

[markplsthatsbad]

and now here begins the anxiety about the guys finding out about the shows fuck. im not bothered about the body guarding and the shit me and gahyeon have ourselves into, but i can’t deal with the embarrassment that comes with that

[markplsthatsbad]

i just can’t get out of this shitty funk that i’m in and i really do appreciate gahyeon for coming out and seeing me, because things just went to being easy as soon as i had someone i felt like i could talk to. it’s nice to just have that comfort blanket of a person to make myself feel better, but this funk isn’t passing. i just have to go and focus on evreything else to keep my head clear. maybe not on him either, because my heart keeps doing the little dum dum things when i do.

[markplsthatsbad]

i’ve been working my ass off since i was 17. for you to discredit the things i’ve done is fucking bullshit, and i’m done with our friendship

[markplsthatsbad]

distancing myself from the group? probably not the best idea, but the rest of them have their own stuff going on and maybe it’s not a good idea with my dumbass being around and questioning things. i don’t wanna get mad. i don’t want people’s stupidity rubbing off on me and making me snap. i want people to think i’m doing good.

i fucked up with gahyeon today. i’m trying to work around the fact that we didn’t know each other, and it’s just forcing all this stress on her. my contract runs out soon, and i had to tell her. she snapped and it just turned into a huge fucking argument and i hate that it did. because she’s nice and i really don’t fucking know how to make up for 19 years of not knowing each other

and for some reason? i’m flirting with jeno? or trying to at least?

and this????? is happening i guess

[markplsthatsbad]

what the actual fuck is wrong with you

[markplsthatsbad]

everything seems so... stiff and angry. i don’t really know what to say to any of them. there seems like such an obvious divide and i don’t know what’s caused it. i don’t wanna say anything because i feel like it might make it worse. i’m trying? i guess to like lighten the mood, but honestly -- me and jeno just staying out of it is probably for the best

[markplsthatsbad]

i :) completely forgot i have a show to do tonight and i promised i’d take the shift watching gahyeon :) what the fuck

[markplsthatsbad]

so... how long have you known this person to wanna go marry them lmao reeks of someone just wanting attention for the sake of wanting attention

[markplsthatsbad]

some of the people here generally give me the worst fucking headache. how arrogant do you have to be