Lockdown Lessons - Letting Go
So here I am again, blogging to stop myself from going crazy.Ā
Because the truth is...Iām not ok.Ā
Itās been close to two months of the Covid-19 lockdown here in South Africa and Iām just not dealing with it as well as could be.Ā
Sure, Iām occupying myself adequately with writing, some side hustles, TV, playing phone games, exercising, doing the dishes and even cooking.Ā
I even remember to shower after all that.Ā
And yet...Iām struggling to feed my soul.Ā
Itās probably because all of my thoughts have been inward-focused while I worry about the same useless crap on repeat.Ā
Like how sad I am that my weasel of an ex broke my heart nearly 9 months ago. Or how I have no job certainty at the moment because all visa-related processes are on hold until further notice. Or the fact that my latest celebrity crush is no longer single either.Ā
Yeah, that last one really chapped my ass this past weekend...
The point is, I hit rock bottom on Friday night and slow-walked my depression like Eeyore until early this morning.Ā
Three and a half days of crying, disillusionment, anger, resentment, bitter sarcasm and hopelessness I had on my shoulders until I simply got tired of carrying it around.Ā
All of this made me realise that I havenāt been dealing with my emotions well, if at all, during this lockdown. I started bottling things up and covering them with distractions again.Ā
I slipped into old habits of dealing with my problems.Ā
Just because Iāve made so much emotional progress in the space of a year, it doensāt mean that the hard work suddenly stops when youāre on a good wicket. It takes lots of talking about your feelings and surrendering yourself to the unknown just to even cope a little these days.Ā
Iāve never been good at surrendering to myself to things and people.
I play at being super-chilled and a free spirit. But the truth is, I am a control freak to my core. I have to plan ahead and I have to know how things are going to turn out, otherwise I go crazy.Ā
And do you know what Covid-19 did with all of my hopes and dreams for 2020? Turned them all on its head, and then stepped back to watch my reaction. I hope the virus has been enjoying the show, because it has been pretty dramatic.Ā
My mom always tells me that out of my siblings, I wasĀ āthe planned babyā. Even though my parents love the three of us equally, I was the baby that they wanted and planned for while my siblings were happy accidents. Maybe thatās why I need to always plan everything out; it might just be in my DNA.Ā Ā Ā
But maybe...itās time to let all of my plans go and just see where the wind takes me.Ā
It doesnāt mean Iām going to let things slide. Iām still paying my bills, getting my paperwork together for my new work visa abroad and even investing some money into my retirement fund and savings.Ā
As for the rest...weāll just have to wait and see what happens.Ā
Iāve been too overly concerned with love and lust lately as well. That needs to stop.Ā
Maybe I wonāt fall in love again, maybe I will. If itās the latter, I hope it happens when Iām emotionally available to delve back into it again. Because as of right now, Iām just not ready for any of it.Ā
Iām slowly learning to sayĀ ānoā to people and things I donāt want. Itās left me feeling pretty lonely, but maybe itās also opening up doors for better people and even better things in my life.Ā
Iām putting up walls against annoying people who donāt respect my time or personal boundaries and it feels incredible.Ā
Maybe Covid-19 isnāt the worst thing thatās happened to me my whole life. Admittedly, itās still not great because I could die from the virus at any given moment. With that said, being in lockdown has taught me to let go of things I canāt control and to make time for the things that matter most to me.Ā
If nothing else, the Covid-19 pandemic has taught me that the world I knew before can still change into something different.Ā
So from here on out, Iām going to try my best to stay positive, think outwards and not let my inner demons get me down too much.Ā