Feb 25, 2024
Looking down on you like you're a little bitch
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Looking down on you like you're a little bitch
About today
From the crippling anxiety every morning. How will you get through this? How will you find your way when all it seems that the light inside your head has been turned off. The once consolidated thoughts have become sublime and you can't see a thing through the haze. Remembering being conscious of all the pain you've suffered through these past 2 weeks is enough to sting through the night. The reminiscent pain is still here. It hurts every time you get up. Sit down. Try to walk up the stairs. Change sides in bed. Your back constantly needs support. A total of 14 plus days and you've been bleeding. And the stress is piling over itself. No matter how much counselling you do. No matter how many people you incessantly bother with your thoughts the fears cling on to you. What if you're not a good mother? A care giver? You spiral in these thoughts of inadequacies. You realize you love this human being more than your life. It truly feels like your heart is beating outside your body and you would do all that is in your power to resuscitate it back to life and yet, you don't want to save yourself. You feel like letting yourself go with the currents of the rising tide of unknown times that lay ahead. You're not prepared. Not even for your own good. And you're looking for ways to settle the thoughts in between your sleep. Which too is rare and infrequent. Your body is dismantling over itself and you don't want to keep it together anymore. What is life when the spirit to fight fades over time? You let time take it's course and you let your naked nerve endings find some closure. You trust the process because it's the only choice you have. And you pass one day after the other, as though self care was a chore and let the healing take it's time both physically and mentally. Till the time evenings no longer sting of bitter nostalgia. And the horizons don't seem daunting with uncertainty. The tiny flicker of hope shines abloom.
Tagged by @honeyed-gore
Rules: make a moodboard about yourself, including the following types of images:
a standout physical feature you have
your favourite album (well it’s not my favourite but I like it a lot and it suited the aesthetics better)
your favourite type of plant
something you’ve eaten/drank today
a quote or text of your choosing (Sucia de besos y arena yo me la llevé al río, con el aire se batían las espadas de los lirios)
your favourite type of weather
an inanimate object in your favourite colour
a subject to study
your celebrity crush with a heart around them
I tag: @melkho @vampiraptor @vmae @spiritual-death @sardonic-wrath and whoever wants to try!
Tag game
I saw that @now-drink-the--cyanide had done this game and I had to do it as well!
The rules: only using titles from one artist/band, cleverly answer the questions and tag 10 people.
Artist: The 69 Eyes
What's your gender: Gothic girl
How are you feeling: 27 & done
Favorite Mode of Transportation: Jet fighter plane
Your best friend: Christina Death
Favorite time of day: Tonight
If your life was a TV show: You’re lost, little girl
Relationship status: Love runs away
I’ll tag: @svogliata-mente @metalogy @metalcilucifer @honeyed-gore @vampiraptor @melkho & @spiritual-death, if you want to participate :)
Ask game I had in browser for months!!
1. Post a picture of u? My profile pic is actually me.
2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Nope. I may have a one-night stand, but by no means I´d date them more seriously.
3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? I prefer girls, but have also got a lot of male friends.
4. Would you ever smile at a stranger? Sure. I´m always smiling.
5. Can you commit to one person? Yes, I am in fact looking forward to it, but it´s got to be the right person.
6. How do you look right now? Tired.
7. What exactly are you wearing right now? A black Apocalyptica t-shirt, black jeans, red military boots, black bracelets.
8. How often do you listen to music? Everyday.
9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more? Jeans, always. I only use sweats when I´m home, I don´t like them.
10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2020? Last weekend I used to think so, now... I´m not sure.
11. Are you a social or an antisocial person? I´m a very social person.
12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say? I´d say ok. And then, I´d probably send them to hell.
13. Are you good at hiding your feelings? Not at all, I wish I were.
14. Can you drive a stick shift? Of course.
15. Do you care if people talk badly about you? I do. Fortunately, it doesn´t happen very often.
16. Are you going out of town soon? I´m actually returning to my home town soon!!
17. When was the last time you cried? I almost cry yesterday. I really wanted to relieve all the sadness I was feeling but I just couldn´t.
18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Almost everytime I like someone. Right now I like someone I didn´t expect to like when I met him.
19. If you could change your eye color, would you? No, I love my green eyes.
20. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Work.
21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having. Work hahaha
22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex? Once. We were teenagers and finally had something, but now we´re good friends.
23. Are you nice to everyone? I try to, but if someone is not nice to me, I won´t be either.
24. What are you sitting on right now? An office chair.
25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat? I of course can. I´m sure I could live a lifetime relationship without cheating.
26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have? Yes... and I have tried very hard to have them, just to finally admit it was a waste of time.
27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? One of my best friends, S.
28. Do you get a lot of colds? Not a lot but quite often.
29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public? No... why would they?
30. Does anyone hate you? I think so, but I ignore them.
31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? Yes, I have some close male friends and they are great and trustworthy.
32. Do you like watching scary movies? Kinda. However, only those that don´t include ghosts, I don´t like paranormal terror.
33. Are you a jealous person? No, I´m not. If I´m dating someone, I completely trust them. If there is no trust then what´s the point of being with that person.
34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? Maybe when i was 17... I made a lot of mistakes and met all the wrong people.
35. Did you have a dream last night? No, I slept very bad last night.
36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to? Yes, and there´s more than one person.
37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? No.
38. Do you think someone has feelings for you? I think so... But everything seems very confusing right now, I hope everything gets better soon because I have feelings for him aswell.
39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not.
40. Did you have a good day yesterday? Not at all. I began having a happy morning and then everything fell apart.
41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? No. I have been single for quite a long time.
42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago? No, it´s changed completely. I liked it back then and I like it now, I think I´ve grown a lot in a short time.
43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now? I´d be at work and he´d be doing whatever he´s doing, we wouldn´t have different habits. However, we would be talking on whatsapp more often and saying cute things to each other (at least I would).
44. What’s the best part about school? Having the best marks in the class.
45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yes, but I admit that I don´t post a lot.
46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? Yes, and back in those days there was no whatsapp so we had to write them in little pieces of paper and even code them, just in case!
47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Of course. I have been thinking a lot of a certain moment lately, a beautiful moment with the man I like, once and again.
48. Were you single over the last summer? Yes, I was. Single but not alone.
49. What are you supposed to be doing right now? Working, but right now I don´t have anything specific to do.
50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yes!! She´s one of my besties and I assure you she´s not only very pretty but also photogenic AF.
DSBM #mood
It feels like I want is to cry all this sadness away but I can’t...
The fuck am I doing with my life.
Do I like Tolkien? Well...