Warnings: invasive questions, implied sex (not graphic at all), heavy angst, crying in public, alcohol mentions, internalized aphobia. Lemme know if I missed any.
Word count: 2,350
Woow! Finally done! Ngl this took me a while to write... but it's finished now! I really struggled to portray alloaro folks in the most validating and respectful way possible so I hope I didn't accidently offend anyone💛
P.S: I hope you don't mind me tugging you but this was the WIP I sent that paragraph from for the WIP game @naminethewitch
@aro-sides-week day 5 Aroace/alloaro/non-SAM-aro
...
Logan listened to the other's stories with great interest, everyone finding the term that fits for them in their own way. In Emile's case he was even questioning for years before he found a label that sat right with him.
He had to admit it was quite… inspiring, and a bit comforting if he's being honest, to hear others struggling with this when he originally felt like he was alone in his confusion.
He wonders… Can sharing his own experience be beneficial in easing his guilt? It's a theory worth testing, afterall, there are numerous studies that show how talking about things to a willing ear can help with processing emotions better.
He nodded decidedly to himself, fixing his glasses before raising his hand to catch Patton's attention.
"Hey there, fellow glasses wearer." Patton smiled at him. "Wanna go up next?"
"Indeed." He confirmed as he stood up.
"Well then, the floor's yours buddy!" Patton stepped aside from the center, giving Logan space to stand and face everyone.
"I do not wish to own this floor, but I am willing to share my own experience." He cleared his throat, fixed his tie and started his story…
Logan blinked as his mind regained awareness of his surroundings, rubbing his eyes and reaching for his glasses before putting them on and bringing everything into focus.
"Morning" he said simply as he tossed the covers and started getting dressed.
"How'd you sleep? I had a great time last night!" Fred smiled at him from the doorway to the bedroom.
"I slept well, thank you for asking. Last night was indeed quite pleasurable." Logan agreed, slipping his arms into the sleeves of his suit jacket and buttoning it up.
He noticed Fred has gone quiet and looked at him from the corner of his eye, noticing he's staring at him.
Fred noticed him looking and blushed. "Sorry you're just… really pretty."
"Oh um… thank you, you're quite attractive yourself." Logan said as he reached for his tie.
"Oh, let me help you with that, here." Fred walked over taking Logan's tie and standing before him. They locked eyes for a moment before Fred looked down to tie it around Logan's neck.
"You know I… I think I'll like seeing you again." Fred said hesitantly, tightening the knot and smoothing the tie when he's done.
"Are you saying you would like to copulate again?" Logan asked blantly.
Fred flushed. "Um… yeah… amongst… other things…" he stepped away, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
Logan frowned. "Other things?"
Fred sighed. "I'm trying to ask you out on a date… I think I like you and… it'll be nice to know you better." He smiled hopefully at Logan.
Logan stared. "Oh… I…" he wanted to say yes, he did enjoy himself last night and Fred was attractive but… he just couldn't see them going farther, he didn't feel interested in being with Fred in that sense.. but how can he convey that without hurting him?
"Fred." Logan started.
Fred looked up at him hopefully "yeah?"
"I enjoyed myself greatly last night and I can tell you're a very nice guy. I do like the idea of us getting to know each other better just… not in a romantic sense, I apologize." He tried to explain in the nicest way possible.
Fred bit his lip. "Oh… I see. I obviously think you're nice too and in a different context being friends would be nice but… I just think it'll be weird ya know? After we… ya know…" he blushed again at the recollection of last night's events.
He didn't sound too hurt so that's a good sign. "Well then, in that case, it seems our ways will be departing today." Logan said, reaching out his hand for Fred to shake.
Fred stared at the hand then snorted. "Are you always this formal with your hook ups?" He asked jokingly but shook his hand anyway. "Oh ah and…" he walked out of the bedroom for a few minutes before returning with a piece of paper he handed to Logan. "Here's my number in case you change your mind about the dating thing." He winked.
Logan gave him a half smile, taking the phone number and putting it in his pocket. Fred walked him to the door and they waved each other goodbye before he walked out and closed the door behind him.
…
"You did what?" His brother demanded when he finished telling him about this morning.
Logan frowned. "Did I do something wrong?"
His brother stared at him in disbelief. "Wow, okay, let me walk you through what you told me."
"I don't see how walking will help-"
"Just… shut up, listen for a minute. You met a cute and attractive guy who's nice and thinks you're cute too. You hooked up with him, so far so good. Then, in the morning after he asks you out on a date because he wants to get to know you better and he might be developing feelings for you…. And you friend zone him? Have you lost your mind?!" His brother said in disbelief.
Logan's confusion deepened. " 'friend zone him'?"
His brother just groaned in frustration, shaking his head. "You're hopeless bro, why didn't you just say yes?"
"Because I wasn't interested… I don't understand, was I supposed to lie about the way I felt?" Logan tried to understand why his brother was so upset by this
"It's just one date, Lo-bro, how do you know you're not interested if you haven't even given the poor guy a chance?" His brother asked pointedly.
"I just… didn't see him in a romantic sense." Logan shrugged.
"You said you found him attractive!" His brother countered.
"Physically attractive it has nothing to do with romantic feelings and interest, I don't see why this bothers you so much." Logan said truthfully.
His brother sighed. "Bro, how long since you lost your virginity?"
Logan frowned. "10 years? I don't see how this is related-"
"And how many romantic partners have you had since then?" He cut him off.
"None." Logan said. "I don't see how this is-"
"You see why I'm worried about you now?" His brother interjected again.
"Um… no? I don't think I see the issue you seem to see." Logan said honestly.
"Logan… eventually you're going to need to find someone to settle down with and… with the way you're currently handling it… I don't see it happening. I just don't want you to end up like aunt Rose." His brother took his hand and squeezed it gently.
"What's wrong with aunt Rose?" Logan asked, desperately trying to understand.
"Nothing, she's great… she's just over 50 and living alone, you don't want that, do you?" His brother said.
"I mean… maybe not but… is that really that bad? You don't have to be with someone to be happy and aunt Rose looks pretty happy to me." Logan countered.
"Look, I'm just trying to help you so here's what you're going to do, you're going to call Fred and tell him you changed your mind-"
"But-"
"Let me finish, you go on one date with him okay? Just one, see how it feels, if it's nah then just say so and you'll never have to see him again, and if it feels like it might be going somewhere then great! You found your first boyfriend! Deal?" His brother looked at him expectantly.
"I don't know about this, Chris… It feels too much like lying for me to be comfortable with it." Logan hesitated.
"You're gonna have to step out of your comfort zone at least a little if you want to find a boyfriend, bro. It's not like one is going to waltz into your house one day." Chris pointed out. "All I'm asking for is one date."
Logan sighed. "Okay."
…
"Logan! Over here!" Fred waved him over with a smile. "I was so glad you called to change your mind! A little surprised but very glad."
Logan swallowed, he can already tell this is not going to work… but then again, Chris might have a point… he is inexperienced in that regard so maybe he shouldn't judge the situation so quickly.. Besides, it's not like he can turn him down again before the date even started.
He took a deep breath and sat in front of Fred, managing a slight smile. "Yeah I figured it's worth giving this a chance of at least one date.. just to 'test the waters' as the saying goes. Though I'm very inexperienced so this still might not work out." Logan said truthfully.
Fred raised an eyebrow playfully. "One date to win you over? Alright, I'll accept that challenge." He smirked slightly.
Logan chuckled at Fred's charm, he is pretty fun to be around.. Maybe this night will go by well.
After they placed their orders they started conversating. "So what do you work at?" Fred asked curiously. "Wait, wait, lemme guess… you're a teacher! No wait… a lawyer! Eh… something that requires that big vocabulary of yours and those formal ties you wear." Fred chuckled.
Logan smiled. "Close, I'm a professor at the local university here. Nice job, pays well, and I get to educate and lecture people which I always enjoyed since I can remember. What about you?" Logan took a sip from his wine as he waited for Fred's response.
"A professor! Huh… somehow that makes you even hotter." Fred giggled. "My job isn't nearly as impressive… I just own a small bar not far from here." He shrugged.
Logan raised an eyebrow. "Owning your own business is quite the accomplishment, there are not many who will be able to achieve such a thing."
Fred blushed at the compliment. "Oh… ah, thanks… it's just a bar… I just like making people happy, you know? Help them let loose for a while… everyone needs that from time to time."
Logan nodded. "Indeed they do. Do you happen to have any good wine there?" He asked with interest, perhaps he can pay this place a visit sometime.
Fred's face brightened as he nodded. "Oh yeah! We have almost every kind of alcohol you can think of! I like to appeal to as many people as possible so I…" Fred happily chatted about his bar, how he trains his bartenders in making almost any drink out there and even encouraging them to make up their own.
Logan smiled as he nodded through his rumblings, being with Fred just felt so easy and effortless… he desperately wished he could feel those romantic feelings everyone keeps telling him about so their relationship can work in a way that appealed to the both of them… but those stubbornly stayed out of reach.
Fred already mentioned his disinterest in a platonic connection with Logan after their sexual encounter, so if Logan can't recipicate his romantic feelings towards him… they'll have to say goodbye…
"...You should come and see it, drinks are on the house." Fred winked at him, reaching a hand to grab Logan's and gently rub over his knuckles with his thumb, looking up at him with a bright blush. "...Perhaps on our next date?" He asked hopefully.
And it was the morning after their copulating all over again… but somehow way worse, because now he cared about him even more and wanted to keep seeing him… just - frustratingly so - not romantically like he does.
"Um…" Logan hesitated, how can he turn him down now?
"I get this might be scary since it's your first time but… now I know I really like you, Logan and… we can take it slow okay?" Fred's hand was still holding his and he gave it a light squeeze, smiling softly.
"I'm sorry I-" the waiter suddenly arrived with their check and Logan quickly grabbed it before Fred had a chance, glad for the momentary distraction as he put the credit card inside and handed it back to the waiter.
Fred's hopeful eyes were still on him. Logan's heart ached as he opened his mouth to say no to this sweet guy he wishes he could fall in love with. "I'm really sorry I just don't-" the words got stuck in his throat.
The waiter handed his credit card back to him with a receipt and Logan quickly snatched it and stood up.
"Logan?" Fred frowned at him with concern.
He needed space… he needed to think… he can't think…
His breath quickened. "I'm just… really busy…" he stammered and he was bolting away from there before he even realized it, only stopping when his legs couldn't carry him anymore and he leaned on a nearby wall, panting heavily.
Logan didn't realize he was crying until Patton wiped his tears gently.
He backed away, embarrassed, furiously wiping his tears on his own. "I… I didn't have the courage to reach out to him again after that… he's probably better off without me anyway…" Logan struggled to finish the story and regain whatever little composure he had left.
"For the longest time I felt like I'm such a shallow 'jerk' who only likes people for their bodies I… I didn't know about… all the different kinds of attractions or how people can feel and not feel some of them… I didn't know what aromantic was or allosexual I just… felt broken and… guilty…"
Logan took a deep, calming breath, skimming through the faces looking back at him. Patton rubbed his shoulders gently in a comforting gesture.
"Hey, it's okay, I promise. Like I keep saying, this stuff is very confusing, thank you so much for sharing." He smiled sweetly at him. "Do you want to go back to your seat? Drink some water?"
Logan took another deep breath and nodded, going over to the table with water bottles behind the circle and taking one before sitting back at his seat. Feeling emotionally worn but also… relieved.
He supposes his original theory was correct then, a fact that made him smile slightly as he awaited the next person to speak up.
A quick little one-shot that's definitely not me needing to get my awful thoughts and feelings out of my head.... hah..... me? Projecting?? Unheard of.
This isn't very good, I just really needed to get some stuff out of my head and figured I may as well make some content out of it.
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Words: 558
Logan-centric
tw: swearing, feeling incapable, feeling trapped (big surprise there, I know), self-deprecation, feelings of worthlessness, feelings of inadequacy I can't think of anything else but lemme know if there is anything else
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Trapped.
That was the best word to describe it. Logan was trapped.
Not by anyone else, no. He held himself prisoner in a cycle of his own making, in a tomb of his own bricks. He held himself prisoner with regret and grief and anxiety. With fear and loneliness and failure.
He glanced down at his work. French work- homework, easy, simple French homework. He could almost hear his classmate’s jeering comments.
Second. He’d gotten second in a French game today. There were cheers, but not from him. He’d only allowed himself a brief smile and a laugh when someone sarcastically asked if he was feeling okay.
And now, here he sat, on a couch of all things, of course he wasn’t going to get work done sitting on a couch, what was he thinking- scrolling through his phone.
A glance at his homework. Guilt. A tossed phone. Staring at the material. Where are these goddamn answers? They’re not in the reading material. Fuck, what does that word mean again? Reaching for his phone. One moment, one post wouldn’t hurt.
It’s almost 8pm. He started at 6:30. What was wrong with him? This was easy work, nothing he hadn’t done before. But the answers weren’t in the fucking reading material.
No. They must be. He wasn’t looking closely enough. Tossing his phone away, again. Rereading the material. Again. Pick up a pencil, reread the question. No, that doesn’t make sense. Reverso? Just for this line, this word, that’s all he needs it for. Where’s his phone? There.
Tumblr is open. He may as well finish reading this post.
It’s 8:30pm. He started at 6:30.
Trapped.
Trapped, trapped, trapped.
Maybe he could call Roman. Then he’d be forced to focus on the work, he couldn’t use his phone while on a call, the vibrations felt weird against his hands. No, he couldn’t, Roman would mock him. He couldn’t call Roman.
He could call Patton, maybe. Patton would never mock him. But he’d forget his homework entirely talking to Patton. They’d end up on some bizarre topic not at all related to the work, for hours. He couldn’t call Patton.
Virgil, then. Virgil wouldn’t stray from the work, he wouldn’t mock or laugh at Logan. But… he wasn’t in Logan’s French class. He did online learning, and they hadn’t spoken in days… He didn’t want to make Virgil deal with his bullshit. He couldn’t call Virgil.
Trapped.
Useless.
Broken.
Failure.
These were the best words to describe him. Logan was a trapped, useless, broken failure.
All he needed to do was put down his phone. The work wasn’t optional. No matter how much he reminded himself of this, his brain didn’t seem to register it. Why couldn’t he put down his phone?
The work was easy. The answers were all there, somewhere. He just needed to find them. No matter how much he told himself this, his brain didn’t seem to care about it. Why couldn’t he put down his phone?
Two questions. Two measly questions left. They shouldn’t take more than half an hour if he actually focused. No matter how much he drilled this into his brain, his brain didn’t seem to think much of it. Why couldn’t he put down his phone?
