If I’m Being Honest
Fandom: Thomas Sanders/Sanders Sides
Pairings: Logicality, really really background prinxiety
Word Count: 2,557
Trigger Warnings: Cursing, pls tell me if there’s more
There are nights when Logan doesn't sleep. He certainly doesn't do it as much as Roman and Virgil, but from time to time, work piles up, and only pulling an all-nighter can solve it. That's the only reason he isn't sleeping, really. It would be incredibly childish of him to not sleep because of worries.
It's 6am, and Logan is almost giving up. Letters scramble in front of his eyes, until the e-mail he's reading turns into blurred lines. He closes his eyes, resting, just for a second-
A blue cardigan and a wicked smile, that shouldn't be wearing those clothes, shouldn't use that voice-
Maybe coffee will help.
(More under the cut)
Logan runs down the stairs the most silently he can. Yes, this will help. He starts to put the powder in the coffee maker, and life seems brighter, in a stupid 6am, no sleep, coffee smelling glow.
Patton trudges down the stairs, smiling to himself. His hand stops at the end of the stair, patting it once, and Logan's heart does some very weird thing.
"Good morning, Lo!" Patton sing-songs.
"Good morning, Patton" Logan answers, eyes trained on the coffee maker. "Did you sleep late yesterday?"
Patton moves to the counter and starts making tea for himself. "Hmm, not really" he mumbles. "We watched Singing In The Rain, but as soon as it was over I was already in my bed, sleeping. You missed a really good movie, you know."
"Thomas already saw that movie before" Logan replies, turning to the toaster. Maybe some toast and Crofters will ease the sour taste in his mouth.
"Still..." Patton turns Logan around "We missed your company" His hand touches Logan's wrist. And then, in an unbearably soft manner, his other hand comes up and sweetly touches the skin beneath Logan's eyes, darkened due to the lack of sleep. "And you need to rest, Lo." Patton chuckles lightly and sweetly.
Logan thinks he might be having a heart attack.
He steps back quickly, freeing himself from Patton's soft hands. "Yeah. Well. I need to get back to work soon." Patton's face falls, just for a quick nauseating moment, and then he smiles again. Logan pretends not to see it, just as he pretends not to feel Patton's eyes on his back as he stares at the toaster.
Maybe if Logan stares at the toaster intensely enough, his bread will pop out sooner.
A sickly sweet smile, Logan, everyone's favorite character, the wrong cardigan, features that were supposed to be kind and sweet turning sour and sarcastic, I don't know, Thomas, you might not like what you'll find, blue and grey clothes turning yellow and black-
Ping!
Logan grabs his toast and spreads Crofters on it, with the careful method of someone who has never been more tense in his entire existence.
His coffee is not ready yet. Shit.
Logan leans his hip on the balcony and takes a bite out of his toast. Patton seems to have decided to take part in the staring at objects game, because he's now looking truly focused at his kettle.
"I'm sorry for taking so long to appear while Deceit pretended to be me." Patton says quietly, and Lord, Logan can't bear to hear his voice right now. "Please don't be angry at me."
"I'm not angry at you for that."
"Then what are you angry at me for?"
"I'm not angry at you."
"It's okay if you are."
Logan takes a bite out of his toast. When did Crofters become so sour? Has it gone bad? "No, it's not."
"Then why are you acting like this?" Patton snaps, looking up. He's not angry or bitter or anything Logan wished he'd be, just horribly sad. "You keep avoiding me, you act like my touch is poisonous, you won't talk to me- "
Logan's coffee is ready. He puts it in a cup, trying his best to not look at Patton.
"I'm- I'm sorry I left you feeling like that, Patton. I'm not angry at you. I swear. I need to. I need to get back to work. Upstairs. In my bedroom. Important work. Goodbye."
Logan nearly runs out of the kitchen with the cup in his hands. He's not bolting, or truly even running, he's not trying to escape from anything, he just needs to get back to his very important and very urgent work.
He closes the door behind him, nearly spilling his coffee as he slams the cup on his desk.
Paper, and lines, and numbers, and math Logan needs to do, and names he needs to remember, and dates he needs to write down. Logan stares at those little black lines, unable to focus, for a very long time.
He reaches to take a sip of his coffee. It's already cold. The mug is black and blue, with a silly chemistry joke written. Patton gave it to him.
Hey, Lo, I have a gift to you.
Oh. Patton. You didn't need to.
It's just- you gave me the sweater, and I thought I could pay you back. It's silly, I know, but I just thought you'd like it. It's not as nice as the thing you gave me.
It's... delightful, Patton. Thank you.
Logan wants to throw the cup at the wall, scream, toss all these papers and pens on the floor, tear his hair out, do something, something that will make his heart stop hurting so badly.
Logan has just come to the decision that if he kicks something he could just probably fix it in barely a thought, when Roman comes barging into his room.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He slams the door, making Logan look up from those damned numbers he has been staring into without really seeing.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Me and Virgil came downstairs and we found Patton. Do you know how he was, Logan?"
"You and Virgil came down together?"
"Don't change the subject." Roman's yelling, in such a dramatic Roman way. "He was crying, Logan."
Logan's fists clench in his lap. "He's not- is he- he's-"
Roman seems to struggle between being angry and being sorry. Logan hates the latter more. "You upset him."
Logan is looking through his window, without any memory of ever getting up and walking towards there.
"Look" Roman starts, careful but still clearly angry, "I don't know what's up with you, but I think I kind of know you, and this is about your feelings. So here's my advice: stop being a baby, Logan, deal with your damn feelings, and go apologize to Patton."
Roman leaves, and Logan falls to the floor. He thinks he might be dying, his chest stinging, his breaths coming out uneven. He remembers teaching Virgil about how to deal with panic. It seems so much easier on theory.
When he opens the door to Patton's room, the moral side is sitting on the floor. He's clearly been crying for a long time, and he's clearly on the brink of crying, and Logan doesn't know whether he wants to run away or hug him. He settles on sitting cross-legged in front of Patton.
"Did I make you uncomfortable?" Patton's voice is like wet cotton, choked and raw. "Is it a personal space thing? Because if it is you can just tell me I swear I'll stop touching you-"
"It's not a personal space thing."
Patton buries his face into his arms.
"Logan, whatever it is that I did, I'm sorry, if you tell me I swear I won't do it again."
"You didn't do anything wrong" You just smiled at me, Logan thinks, you just smiled at me and suddenly I was an idiot.
When Patton speaks again, his voice is muffled by his arm. "I can't bear to lose someone I love this much, Lo."
Logan thinks he might throw up.
"I- I love you too, Patton. You're the closest friend I have, and I know I'm not easy to bear."
Patton leans his chin on his arms, something so pure and sweet about that gesture. Logan struggles to not tuck a rogue strand of hair behind Patton's ear. "That's not how I meant it."
Logan isn't shocked, not really, because he's not an idiot, and Patton isn't the best at hiding his feelings, but he does crawl a little backwards as if he's been burnt.
"You shouldn't."
Patton stares at him for a while, as if he's trying to decipher a hidden message in Logan's words, but then he just deflated and chuckles, somehow equally sweet and bitter.
"Oh, Logan. I'm the Heart. All I know is loving."
"That's not true." Logan wonders if he's dreaming, and if this would be a good dream or a nightmare. "The Heart also feels other things. You also hate, Patton."
Patton looks at him with those shining eyes, reading every part of his soul like it's a giant billboard. "I don't hate you, Lo."
"But you should-" there's a line of logic here, Logan's sure , he has a point he's making, but he has no idea what point it is "I- I have done nothing but being rude and uncaring-"
"Lo, you're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be bitter. Listen to me." Logan forces himself to focus on those eyes. "You're forgiven. Me, Thomas, Virgil, Roman, forgive you. We all love you."
"Not in the same way." Logan says, because he can't think of anything else to say.
Patton laughs. "No, not in the same way."
He reaches slowly forward, and cups Logan's face. Logan can hear a tiny Virgil in his head yelling "Flight! Flight! Flight!" and a tiny Roman saying "He smells like lavender".
"Patton, I-"
"If you don't want me to kiss you, say it, and I'll never talk about it again."
"That's not-" Logan huffs, hands falling on his lap. He feels like a child. "That's not the point-"
Patton's hand falls to Logan's neck, and he starts to straighten Logan's tie. "What is the point, then?"
Maybe it is Patton's room, because Logan can't form a single sentence. Every single drop of logic has left him.
After about 30 seconds, Patton's hand adjusts to hold Logan's. This time, Logan doesn't flinch.
"When Deceit showed up, as you..." Logan starts, after opening and closing his mouth 8 times, like a dying fish, "I didn't... realize he was... you know, not you. Virgil did, pretty early, and I- maybe I did notice, and decided to ignore it."
Patton's thumb starts to rub Logan's hand, and the logical side has to fight back a sob.
"He was- a cartoonish, almost offensive version of you, and I did... nothing. Because he... he smiled like you do. You have no idea how much that smile destroys me. And he, he was sweet, like you, and he said things you'd say, and I'm sure he knew that you'd say those things and that I'd react the way I did and all of this could have been solved earlier if I hadn't been such an idiot and-"
He stops abruptly, the room suddenly seeming to silent.
"And?" Patton asks, softly, as if he didn't already know it.
"And I hate it that someone else knows what I feel. I hate that I was manipulated because of what I feel. And I hate that I let him pretend he was you because I was too damn narcissistic." This feels like something that should be said in some much more private way, like in a confession to a priest, where the priest can't see his face, not while Patton stares at him with his all-knowing eyes. "I have tried to keep my heart to myself for a very long time, Patton, and you somehow make me show my heart to the entire world."
Patton is silent for a while, and then he says:
"No one's angry at you about the Deceit thing. I don't blame you for this. You were wrong. It's alright. You don't have to be right all the time."
Logan doesn't know how to answer that. A part of him wants to scream that yes, he does need to be right, he's Logic, but... the way Patton said it, like it's an universal truth that people are allowed to be wrong sometimes. It's such a Patton thing to say.
"And, Lo, I think keeping your feelings to yourself all the time might be bad for you. Trust me, I hid my feelings a lot. Sometimes it's good to talk about it."
God, Logan wants to kiss him.
"I'm sorry," he says instead.
"Don't be." Patton says, smiling sweetly. "Let's do this. I'll tell you something in my heart, and you tell me something in yours."
Logan nods, like a child learning the alphabet.
Patton leans in and tugs Logan's hair behind his ear. "I love you." It feels so pure, so simple, an offering, that the only thing Logan can answer is:
"I love you too."
Patton beams. "Can I kiss you?"
Instead, Logan leans in and kisses him.
Logan tries, for some unknown reason, to number the things he's discovering in his head.
1: Patton not only smells like lavender, but also like lilies.
2: Patton's lips are chapped, and maybe trembling a bit, and Logan wonders if this taste is of peanut butter.
3: Patton's hand has moved to hold Logan's tie.
Logan just gives up numbering after that.
Patton leans away softly, a hand coming up to Logan's face.
"Oh, Lo, you're crying."
Logan's hand comes up to find that, yes, there is water running down his face.
"Fascinating."
Patton chuckles.
"Come on, it's probable the room. Let's get you out of here."
Patton is really smart, Logan thinks.
As soon as they enter the hallway, Logan feels like a weight has left his shoulders. He finds himself able to compose normal sentences again.
They sit on the floor again, side by side, hands intertwined. Patton leans his head on Logan's shoulder, and Logan kisses the top of his head instinctively.
"So" Logan says, "What is up with Virgil and Roman?"
Patton smiles knowingly, like he always does when they gossip. "Oh, I think they both slept at Virgil's room tonight."
Logan's eyes widen. "Did they-"
"Oh, no, not yet. They won't even admit they're in love yet. I don't think they did anything, they just slept in the same room because they enjoy the company."
"Virgil was very flustered when you asked, right?"
"As red as a tomato!" Patton laughs, nudging Logan's shoulder.
Logan sighs, pretending to be worried. "Oh, if only they could be as in touch with their emotions as I am with mine."
Patton laughs, but some glint of worry was still there. He leans and kisses Logan's cheek, quick and sweet.
"I'm not used to being able to do that" He says, smiling.
Logan pulls him closer and kisses his lips.
"I'm still not used to being able to do that."
They're immersed in their own bubble, not carefree, but aware that their worries can be solved. Roman and Virgil might walk into the hallway and see them in this odd place, Deceit might have his plans, Thomas can be hurt. But right now they are just sitting next to each other, holding hands, talking, kissing, loving each other, and right now that is enough.