Stronger Than Pride [Chapter 8]
A/N: I’m really scared I picked the wrong ending for this chapter LOL but I need to get the story moving along. Let’s just say… y’all haven’t seen nothing yet. Super excited about the response from last chapter and the one before that because that means people are reading and that’s always good motivation :3 Hope you enjoy~
I feel ashamed whenever I’m around Kanda now, but it’s become something that I could ignore if it meant being able to talk to him. It was sick, but he was the only thing that drowned out the rest of my insane fears.
It’s become more and more of a regular thing for him to drop by, if only for a short amount of time, and it often left me more perplexed even though I was delighted every time. I try not to show it, because I don’t quite understand it, and I feel like if I don’t have a hold on what’s going on then I won’t be able to save myself from him later.
Today, he doesn’t feel like eating, though he looked like he needed to. His skin’s paler than usual, and he seems to lack substance for the confident man he makes people believe he is. He’s not even what I remembered him to be most of the time, which is scary and even more gut-wrenching because I know it’s my fault he’s like this. I don’t know if I can stand to see him get any worse because there’ll be always be that lingering thought.
We’d walked back to one of the lounge rooms a few hours ago instead of his or mine. It was like a silent agreement between both of us not to go to our rooms because of all the memories they held. Neither of us was quite ready to dive into that part of the ocean yet. I’m not quite sure if we’ll ever be.
It’s odd the way he kind of just shows up. Sometimes we won’t even acknowledge each other when we’re in the same room, and other times he’ll just drop by my front door like we’d planned it. I still don’t understand, but somehow I have a feeling that that’s the point. I also have to consider that he probably has even less to do now that his garden is destroyed.
It’s like he’s been destroyed with it, enough to come crawling back to me
I can feel my gut clench at the thought of it. That can’t possibly be true, can it? Kanda always has some kind of hold on himself no matter what he’s going through. At least that’s what I’ve witnessed since I’ve known him. But … if it is true, then how the hell am I supposed to help? Despite what he doesn’t know, what he does know about me should be enough to make him go away. He knows who I really am inside and that’s anything but good for him.
A tired breath escapes me, and I glance up only when I feel a pair of eyes lock on me. Kanda looks distraught and so far away from here even when his attention is mine. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to ask since I already know what’s up, and he’s not very talkative as it is. But my eyes must convey the curiosity anyway, but he just shakes his head dismissively.
It’s none of your business, Allen.
“When’s the last time you trained, Moyashi?” I wasn’t expecting this, and internally cringe. I think about making something up, but it occurs to me that he’d catch onto my lie simply because he’s always in the training room, so I’m doomed.
“Uh…” I begin, but he’s already up and moving across the room. That’s another thing he does—besides showing up out of nowhere, he also leaves and expects me to follow, as if I can read his mind. Even if I practically can, I’d like verbal clarification, but since it’s Kanda I don’t dare voice this opinion.
Once we pass the cafeteria and turn left, I know exactly where we’re headed. The training room is passed the cafeteria; you have to take a left to get there from the hall we exited. I try to think up some kind of excuse, but ultimately I know there’s no way I can wiggle out of this one. God, help me.
As I’m changing it dawns on me that all this is going to be is me thinking about how not to get turned on by anything Kanda does in this room, while simultaneously getting my ass kicked. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he did this on purpose just to get me going. It’s a good thing I’m not too shabby with hand to hand combat.
At first we’re both stiff [me more, of course]. The apprehension is clear in our technique, even with the amount of skill Kanda possesses. I ruined him once, unbeknownst to him, and somehow I don’t think giving my all in this room would do him any good now. I can tell it’s pissing him off, but he hasn’t said anything so far. He hits, I dodge, he strikes, hits, misses, rinse, repeat, until he pauses to take five, probably to gripe to himself about how lame I’m being.
I turn back to my corner and reassess myself, collecting my wits slowly. I shouldn’t be holding back, I know this. Especially with such high regard that I hold for Kanda. The least I could do was give him a challenge, and by the look on his face I know he wants it. It’s been a year for holding back, and I’m pretty much done with that now.
If Kanda wants a challenge, I’ll give him one.
The next spar starts boringly again until he throws a sucker punch to the side of my head, making me fall right on my ass. His laughter trickles into the chill air of the room, and I can feel the anger growing inside of me with every second. It ends abruptly when I counter by sliding forward a bit, capturing his legs into mine, bringing him down with me. He grunts as he moves to pin me, but I’m prepared for that, quickly move out of the way so he’s vulnerable. Before he has a chance to recover, I cover his body—face down—with mine, pinning his arms behind his back. I can feel the rage of defeat radiating from his very core, and it’s almost enough to make me let go out of fear—almost. His harsh breathing in tune with mine makes my stomach flutter, the warmth pooling in my stomach warning enough. I let go before it becomes any more awkward.
We stand and face each other, and I nod modestly in his direction, but I earn his signature scoff instead. I can feel my face flushing with embarrassment, but the smile emerging from it is enough to make me forget about the reason behind it. Though I’m flustered, I can’t help but bask in the small glimmer of victory.
“Again,” he says curtly, and I glance down to smooth the fabric of my jeans before we start, but barely have enough time to because he’s already charging toward me. I prepare for a punch of some sort but am immediately surprised with a kick to the face. I don’t even have time to get away from that one; just have a face full of foot and an ass full of ground once again. I taste the metallic familiarity of blood in my mouth, notice by the smirk on his face that he was waiting to do that for payback. It was obvious he could grab me with that one just because I wouldn’t expect it.
I jump back up and regain my composure. He waits this time, and I remember to breathe as he begins to move. He’s so swift and poised so perfectly that I can’t even fathom how I’m keeping up with him. Each blow I endure with growing strength, find that I’m only staying up because of sheer will. My mental state is currently overcome with awe, nearly throwing my focus, but I’m determined to put up a fight. The adrenaline rush is something I feel privileged to experience. I haven’t felt so excited to kick some ass in a while.
I’m once again thrown back as his fist connects with my face, find myself on the ground again, only he does not let me recover. Instead he works toward pinning me like I’d done him a few rounds ago. Oh, hell no, I think to myself and reach up to grab his wrists. I curse my shorter legs, now tangled with his in an extreme effort to overpower him. I need to prove to myself that I still got it, that I’ve still got something to put to my name that isn’t sickening to think about.
I can feel my will starting to slack from exhaustion, Kanda nearly at victory, and the very thought drives me on its own. I almost want to cry out as I do this, but I don’t have enough breath left in me to do so. My leg slips up and my knee barely pokes his rear, but it’s enough to throw him off and allow me to roll him over. I make sure to pin his arms above his head this time and we end with me looming over him, both breathing hard like we’d just run a marathon together. I feel like I might collapse at any moment, but instead I just smile down at him until he begins to wriggle impatiently under me. He’s refusing to let me enjoy this, but I still can’t help it.
Just as I’m about to get up, the doors burst open, crashing rather loudly against the training room walls. I only have time to look up and see Lavi’s tall, slender form walk into the room. I immediately jump up and try to create distance between Kanda and I, who remains on the floor glaring at Lavi. I feel nervous and quite embarrassed, knowing he’ll probably get the wrong idea about this. I know I’m too late to make an effort to tell him what was going on, because he’s still looking from me to Kanda with the goofiest of smiles. His single emerald eye is taking in all the detail, and I’m sure I’ll get an earful about this later.
“… Well, well, guys.” Lavi starts clapping his hands slowly together, throwing us both a suggestive look. I turn to look at Kanda, who’s finally gotten to his feet. He doesn’t even make eye contact with me, just begins to walk toward the door. He leaves quickly and without a word, and every sense in my mind is telling me to follow his stubborn ass, so I do.
I brush past Lavi with an apologetic glance before jogging down the hall to catch up with Kanda, who’s already rounded the corner. I’m out of breath and beginning to feel my bones start to ache, don’t even know how I’m moving right now. I don’t know where he’s decided to go but I also don’t want to just leave it on that awkward note.
“Kanda, wait up,” I say, finding strength to speak. I reach out and grab his shoulder, prompting him to turn and look at me. He turns, glaring at me with daggers. I smile sheepishly, look past him briefly. “What’s wrong?”
He refuses to look at me for a few moments which is frustrating, and when he looks back his eyes are full of rage and betrayal mixed with something like accusation.
“Why didn’t you let me finish speaking the other day?” He speaks with such force that it’s almost intimidating enough to make me not answer. It takes me a few seconds to understand his reference, but even then I feel like I could be wrong.
“What are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean. You knew I was going to apologize and you didn’t let me. Why would you do that?!” He’s practically screaming this at me, and after looking around for bystanders I decide it’d be safer to talk in a more secluded area. I open the door nearest to us which thankfully is open and vacant. Once it shuts behind me, we’re facing each other again and I’m still trying to think of something to say.
“Because it’s… useless to bring up the past.”
“Bull shit. You and I both know you’ve been waiting to hear what I was going to say. Why do you do this? Why do you let me come into your life and steal everything you know away, and take nothing in return? Why do you torture yourself this way?”
I’m almost speechless as I listen to these words fall out of his mouth, and instantly the guilt comes washing over me again. I have to think fast or I’ll lose my chance.
“Couldn’t I ask you the same?” I start quiet. I don’t even realize how angry his words make me until I’m further into my sentence. “Why have you done this to me if you know it’s hurting me? Why don’t you just leave me to drown in my sorrow?”
My words hang in the air, silence slipping between us. I’m still trying to register it all, still trying to understand, and that must be written all over my face. I don’t understand what he’s doing or why he’s doing it. He doesn’t seem to get why we can’t do this, why I can’t do this with him. I know that if I accept this then it means we’ll be on our way right back where we started which is exactly where we don’t need to be. It’ll only end with one of us in tears.
Kanda opens his mouth to speak, closes it a few times, struggling for words. I wait for him to say something; anything to clear the fog in my mind, but instead of him speaking he just leans in and kisses me. I feel the harsh familiarity of his mouth crushing into mine; my hand
instinctively reaching up to hold his face. He doesn’t waste time starting slow and shallow, just goes all in and leaves nothing behind. No subtle hints or confusing gestures, just this kiss that’s so passionate and lights me up with each passing second until I’m craving it more and more even after he’s pulled away.
My silver eyes connect with his dark ones, and I have absolutely no idea what I should say next. But even if I did, I’d have no time to say it, because he’s already turning around and walking out the door.
I stand there, breathing slowly for a while, wondering if that really did happen. My body is frozen in place, not wanting to leave this spot quite yet. Confusion, a bit of anger, guilt, sadness; all of it wells up inside my body, but the one that weighs all of those out is genuine happiness. I thought I’d never get to experience that again, and now that I have I feel completely made. I look to my left, spot a chair and plop down into it. My head is throbbing and my heart is pounding, fingers slowly reaching up to my lips to faintly touch the plump flesh. I pull them away, biting my lip in attempt to hide the smile that ends up breaking out anyway.
I almost don’t believe what just happened happened. But when I go to peel off the sweaty fabric of my shirt stuck to my body, Kanda’s scent is undoubtedly fused within the material, making me smile all over again.
I close my eyes, inhaling him once again. “I love you, Kanda,” I whisper to myself.
