Dead End (aka my last post for 2014)
These are my feelings that I have bottled up for the past year. It has been in my drafts for a long time now and I figured, it's time to publish it because I now have become clear of how I feel. For the first time ever, I've been rational and decisive about my feelings and I'm pouring them out here today. A few hours until New Year and I now know I'm letting them all go (especially him). So here it is. *sighs loudly*
It's been more than a year already and here's the thing: I am putting everything that happened between us out here because I know now that it's the end. Finally, all strings have been cut. I know things are always bound to change in the future but I am sure of this though, we are at a dead end. We've been in touch for a couple of months and it has sparked some hope in me alive and it made me think, hope, dream that maybe there's still somewhere we could start over. For days I've dreamt and hoped that maybe we could start over again. Maybe we could be together again. Maybe we could start right or what... so many maybes and what-ifs. I tried to reach out again, despite the pride and the fear that I have. I tried so hard to think of how I could talk to you everyday and it made me happy that we've been talking again. I imagined every possible scenario and in my head our love was alive again. We were together again. You were home again. But I was wrong. Because you're no longer home and no matter what happens a year was a year. After more than a year a lot has changed, a lot has happened. I barely know you now, after the things we've been through. After we deleted each other for a year and tried to forget the memories and the painful words that we have exchanged. I realized that I was just living in a memory, the things we used to have. Don't get me wrong, what we had was wonderful, beautiful. For more than three years, our relationship was something that I would truly treasure and adore and I am very happy that you've been part of my life for more than 3 years. But that's it, maybe. We are just a story now, a memory. I know now that we have chosen different paths, paths that are far from each other and it's hard to put up with the lost time. It's hard to see a stranger in front of you and just that. We're strangers now and it hurt to attach myself because I am afraid that the things that happened in the past might happen again. It hurts to remember and it hurts to think of everything that we had and everything that we lost. We were at a dead end baby. There was nothing left to save.