Words and Photographs

Chen. A 20-something daydreamer from Manila who likes to write. Trying to make sense of life, one day and story at a time. 

[ohsayhello]

Okaeri.

I've been intimidated to write and allow myself to be vulnerable these past few days because I didn't want to admit to myself how lonely I have been feeling.

I've always enjoyed my freedom and independence. I like doing things on my own, seeing the world with nothing holding me back, and moving by myself, with no responsibilities to worry about. But lately, I've felt this loneliness--this longing to share these moments, both good and bad, with someone.

And I hate admitting it because it would make me seem like I wasn't secure with myself. For the longest time, I've established this independence as something that I'm immensely proud of. Free as a bird. That's what I've always wanted. So why do I feel this way now?

I guess as I've grown older and seen more of the world, the more I've also realized how much I want to connect with someone and be able to share these beautiful memories with. And after a long day of exploring, somehow, all I want is to be wrapped up in someone's arms. To feel safe, warm, and loved.

To know that at the end of the day, someone is waiting for me to come back. That somewhere in the world, I have a place, a person to come home to.

I'm tired of temporary shelters. Of finding solace and comfort in someone's arms knowing that I won't be seeing them again in a week. I'm tired of kissing another person's lips, of sharing intimacy and secrets, knowing that they'll be lost somewhere forever because they were never mine to hold on to. Just another night, another person, another passing memory. Just another temporary shelter from this long journey.

I yearn for a permanent home. For safety. For a lighthouse that would guide me back, no matter how far I've sailed. For an anchor to keep me steady no matter how strong or turbulent the waves may be. For someone to always welcome me back, no matter what happens.

I'm tired of temporary shelters.

All I want is to find someone who would always welcome me home.

Tadaima.

[ohsayhello]

Because I’m turning 30 soon, I've found myself going through old photos and reading my past journal entries. I didn’t realize how fun my 20s were until I've revisited those memories. It really was a wild and crazy decade.

While my teenage years were filled with angst and crushes, my 20s were for self-discovery and self-love as I navigated my career, dated, and enjoyed life with friends.

My 20s were hard too, ngl. I had two mental breakdowns (depression and anxiety with costly therapy sessions), got my heart broken more than once, and felt lost more times than I could count. But all those tough moments shaped who I am today: gritty, funny, and determined to make my dreams come true.

So this dump entry is for 20s Chen who did it all:

20-year-old Chen with long hair and gap teeth, who had big dreams of traveling the world despite her minimum wage salary (6k per cutoff—living for those Jollibee paydays every 15th).

23-year-old Chen who cut her hair short after getting her heart broken & hustled to make a name in PR (hustle kahit hassle!).

25-year-old Chen who had a mental breakdown and a major quarter-life crisis, quit her job at her dream agency without a backup plan. Thankfully, she healed as she learned how to take things slow.

27-year-old Chen who switched to government work in search of stability, only to realize she thrives in the chaos.

And finally, 29-year-old Chen who persevered through it all, who has learned to love herself—flaws and all—and conquered both her fears and dreams, no matter what life threw her way.

Proud of you, dreamer. Now go out there and slay your 30s! Make it another unforgettable decade.

[ohsayhello]

Stories from the road #6

I'm back after 3 years! I've always wanted to find time to write but life has been taking over so much of my time that I keep forgetting I still have this blog. I miss blogging and sharing stories about my life and my trips. I've been to a lot of interesting places and tried a lot of new experiences lately and I wanted to share some of my adventures here!

This was during my solo trip in Japan last October for my 29th birthday. I've always wanted to visit Universal Studios Japan ever since it became popular on Tumblr after then-popular tumblr bloggers shared their experiences in USJ particularly at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oh, how envious I was after seeing them try butter beer and take photos in front of Hogwarts Castle and Hogsmeade!

I was in college then and I knew I couldn't afford the trip. Up until I started working, I tried my very best to save so that I would have enough money to afford a trip to Japan. Unfortunately, my savings would always fall short and so, I had to postpone this dream. I travelled to nearby countries that didn't need a visa to quench my thirst for travel but I knew deep down that Japan was still my number one dream destination.

Fast forward to August 2023, I was feeling down and stressed because of work so I decided to check out flights to Japan. I knew I already have more than enough savings to afford the trip, and enough stamps on my passport to not be denied a visa. I saw affordable flights right on the week of my birthday and without a second thought, I booked the flights.

USJ was my first destination on my itinerary. I arrived in Osaka at late evening on October 17 and the following day, I excitedly travelled to USJ to finally heal my inner child.

I had so much fun! I was all giddy and excited while exploring the theme park. I cried happy tears when I finally saw Hogsmeade and Hogwarts in person. I squealed in delight when I finally tasted my first butter beer. I smiled so much and I felt like I was in a dream.

And it was a dream! My teenage dream. I was finally living in it.

I just knew that 19-year-old Chen was so proud of that silly 28-year-old who happily lined-up for an hour just to ride an indoor roller coaster. She was finally living her best life.

Osaka, Japan | October 2023

[ohsayhello]

Stories from the road #5

Back in 2019, I was lost and confused with what I wanted to do with my life. I just resigned from my glamorous Public Relations job and I had no other plans aside from the occasional freelance writing projects. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until one of my churchmates invited me to Taiwan for a 2-week mission trip. We would be visiting different cities and districts, starting from Kaohsiung to Hsin Chu, Taoyuan, Taichung and our last stop, Taipei.  I immediately agreed knowing I still had more than enough savings that would help me survive while I was away. 

We were welcomed by a group of Taiwanese pastors who generously treated us to a filling dinner. We ate hotpot, sweet and sour pork, and other Taiwanese dishes that we all enjoyed. There was lively chatter among us and the Taiwanese pastors despite the language barrier. Everyone was excited for this trip.

We stayed in Wu Chang Baptist church in Kaohsiung that looked like a hotel. They even have guest rooms for missionaries and church workers who are staying the night in the church. When we weren’t visiting Filipino OFWs and doing bible studies, I spent most of my days exploring the streets of Kaohsiung, eating street food and playing with claw machines. Safe to say I’ve had a lot of bubble tea and I was able to bring home two stuffed toys from these claw machines.

We spent 4 days in Kaohsiung before we moved to a different city. On our last day in Kaohsiung, the wonderful pastors of Wu Chang church took us on a tour to some of the city’s tourist spots. We visited the art district, Matryr’s temple, and the Shoushan Love Observatory.

I had such a great time in Kaohsiung that I contemplated moving there for good! Perhaps I could teach English here, I thought. The people were nice, life was simple and food was great! However, some plans just don’t commence. There are days that I wonder if my life would’ve been different if I pushed through with that plan. 

It’s hard when you fall in love and get attached to a place so easily. But on the bright side, I am glad to have found connection and temporary home during my short stay in Kaohsiung. Until we meet again. :)

Kaohsiung, Taiwan | March 2019

[ohsayhello]

Stories on the road #4

I was reminded a few days ago by Instagram that I visited the vibrant city of Singapore 4 years ago to watch Coldplay by myself. Since I was there for 3 days, I decided to explore the city on my own, to look for street art, visit museums and just discover random nooks and crannies.

I’ve always been fascinated by the colorful streets of Singapore. Up until today, I still have this fantasy of moving there permanently. But of course, 4 years has passed and I’m still in Manila. Migrating overseas kinda seem like a faraway dream now, back when I was still in my younger 20s and everything seemed possible.

I hopped from one bus to another just to discover new cafes and artsy places. My first stop was the Central Perk Cafe because I was a big FRIENDS fan. I wanted to cry after seeing how similar the cafe was to Central Perk, the famous coffee shop featured in the series. As I expected, the food in Central Perk was expensive AF but being there was worth it.

Then, I went to the National Museum where I spent hours admiring all the featured artworks. I was amazed by all the shows and exhibits that day. If I could’ve stayed longer, I would. But time was not on my side.

I also spent the other days exploring the colorful streets of Haji Lane. I walked along the nearby streets as well, on the hunt for art. It’s amazing how you’d find art in almost every nook and cranny of Singapore. 

Probably my favorite part of exploring was discovering the hidden libraries in malls. A LIBRARY??? IN A MALL??? Damn, my bookworm heart was super happy. I went all the way to Tiong Bahru as well to visit Books Actually (which I believe, is now closed and is fully operating online). I bought a few SingLit books which I read on my way back to my airbnb.

I missed walking around and discovering art. I miss travelling and exploring in general, finding out about hidden nooks and crannies, eating at cute coffee shops and making friends along the way. I wish I could go back in time and visit all these places again. 

Singapore | March 2017

[ohsayhello]

Stories from the road #3

It was 9pm on a Friday night. I was sending the final revisions for the deck that I was working on while retouching my make-up. Ready for another night out in the city! The perfect way to end the stressful work-week.

I met with some of my friends in Nokal, one of our favorite hang-out spots in Poblacion. I enjoy Friday nights like this, sipping a cold beer while laughing with my friends. The energy around us was just starting to build as people from different parts of the city flocked to Poblacion to drink as well.

I didn’t come from the city. I came from quieter part of Cavite, a few hours away from Makati. However, I spent more time in this place in the last 5 years than in my hometown. The city has seen me grow from a wide-eyed fresh graduate trying to make it big in the advertising world, to an overworked and seemingly lost public relations manager in her mid-twenties.

This city has seen me during my first wins in the advertising field. It has seen me during my breakdowns and my frustrations; has witnessed me make friends and fail at dating; has watched me at my best and worst of times.

Do I hate this place? Sometimes. The traffic gets really bad especially on rainy days, rush hours and worst of all, holidays. If you’re not careful, a sneaky thief might steal your wallet or your phone. Food, liquor and rent prices are all expensive. It’s hard to find a ride home most of the time especially if you’re travelling from the city back to your hometown.

But despite that, I’ve also considered this city as my second home. I loved staring at the city lights especially when I’m in one of my favorite bars in Makati. I enjoyed crazy nights with my friends; dancing, laughing, crying over work, cursing boys who broke our hearts, getting drunk and talking, always talking, about our hopes, dreams, frustrations, and fears.

I enjoyed walking around, watching people from all walks of life just trying to survive and make a living - just like me. I loved the quirky cafes where I escape to read, the hole-in-the-wall restaurants where I tried to find love and failed, eating my favorite Pad Thai after a very stressful night in the office, drinking milkshakes at 3am, getting so drunk that I puked on the streets and wonder how I got home.

These moments - these are the reasons why this city will always have a special place in my heart. 

I found solace here while I was trying to find myself. And for that, I will forever be grateful.

Makati City, Philippines | 2019

[ohsayhello]

Stories from the road #2

They say that difficult roads lead to beautiful destinations. The case was true for Sipalay. To reach this small town, we endured a 5-hour bus ride from the City of Bacolod. My friend and I were both exhausted from our 4 day backpacking trip and here we are on our last leg. We couldn't wait to reach the hostel, take a bath and sleep.

We were welcomed by our guide when we reached our destination. After leaving our bags in the hostel, we had a delectable seafood dinner by the shore. What a day it has been!

The next day, we were able to explore this beautiful small town with our guide. We were in awe with its stunning landscapes and emerald green waters. It was very laid-back and peaceful. It was the kind of place you would want to go to when you want to escape from all the noise and chaos of the city.

The long journey was worth it, indeed. I couldn't stop myself from admiring the beautiful scenery around me. I was very happy to have been here. I was lucky to see such beauty from my very own country. How was I supposed to go home now? Surely, like all the places that I've been to, I would leave a part of me in this small town.

As much as I wanted to stay, I had to go back to the chaos of the city. And as always, the beauty of Sipalay still remains with me.

Sipalay, Philippines | July 2019

[dk-thrive]

“Look at the rain long enough, with no thoughts in your head, and you gradually feel your body falling loose, shaking free of the world of reality. Rain has the power to hypnotize.”

— Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun (Published December 1st 2006 by Vintage, first published October 5th 1992)

[ohsayhello]

My world has always been small. Just having her in it was enough. Her warmth and radiance occupies the biggest space in my world and I wonder how long it would take for her to capture the entirety of it.

Her world has always been big. She has been from one place to another, filling her world with people, places, things and memories as much as she could. I've always admired her for this. However, there are moments wherein I wonder, with everything else that has been occupying her world, do I have a space in it?

Photo taken last January 2020 in Makati.

[ohsayhello]

Stories from the road #1

It's an amazing thing, the ocean. Somehow it just has the power to entice you. It doesn't matter how many times you've seen it, you just can't enough of it. You can just sit there and never get tired of watching the waves over and over again.

I miss the beach. La Union has been like a second home to me. I always find myself taking a bus bound up north to this lovely surf town whenever things get too much in the city. Somehow, elyu has the ability to calm me. I always find myself escaping to this place whenever I need to find peace. And it never fails to give it to me.

These photos were taken last December when I went to Elyu on a whim. It was a spontaneous trip. I decided to book an airbnb on the last minute, packed my bags and woke up six hours later by the beach. How I missed this place. I visit Elyu at least twice or thrice a year and I've seen how it changed from a quiet surftown to a bustling tourist destination peppered with coffee shops, new restaurants and accommodations.

Armed with a book and a half bucket of beer, I sat by the shore with my friend and read my book while waiting for the sunset. It was a good day. And somehow, while staring at the ocean, I felt my worries melt away.

You can always trust the ocean to help you put your mind at ease.

La Union, Philippines | December 2019

[ohsayhello]

Art Fair - February 2020

Missing nights out in Makati, attending art events, watching gigs and just walking around the city.

How's the quarantine life treating you?

Will we ever go back to normal? Just some things I'm wondering about while I'm stuck at home.

I hope you are okay, wherever you are :)

[ohsayhello]

On red flags and rose colored glasses

There’s this quote from Bojack horseman that I really like. Recently, I’ve been thinking about it a lot because I could relate to it.

This year, I tried to get into casual dating again. I’ve met met many great guys (lol who am I kidding? Most of them are trash but whatever) here and there and since I wasn’t really looking for a relationship, I thought that a casual setup would really suit me well.

So months into this experiment that I brought upon myself, I met this guy. He was okay, not my usual type, but he’s definitely a good conversationalist. He was smart and funny, and though we had a lot of differences, we got along just fine. Basically, he became my constant. He wasn’t looking for a relationship and so was I. Hence, our casual relationship began.

We dated other people but we would still talk everyday. We would often meet, either in coffee shops or to do random things. We had a lot of fun dates and shared a lot of good conversations. 

Here’s the catch: I started to feel different. I didn’t mean for it to happen but here I am. I knew from the beginning that what he only wanted from me was something casual, nothing more. We would often talk about our feelings but it was clear that I wasn’t the girl he’d want for a relationship.

Boy, it felt weird. He’s starting to really like this other girl that he’s been seeing and I didn’t like what I felt when I learned about it. He was so open to me about everything and somehow, I wished I didn’t know these things so I wouldn’t be hurt and be able to go on just fine with our casual setup.

There were a lot of red flags already in the recent weeks. He’s been talking to me less and has been seeing her more often. I would sometimes ask him out and he would decline. It hurts, yes, but then again this was all “casual” so I had no right to feel bad. 

I know I should’ve been more honest with him about my feelings and I am aware that once I started to feel this way, I should already bid him goodbye. But, in some deeper part of me, there was still this tiny twinge of hope that I could still enjoy what we have before it’s gone. 

I just really hated the fact that it was him that made me feel different about casual dating. I felt like I was at the losing end. 

How did we get here? How did we get to the point where 'the person who cares the least wins?

[ohsayhello]

Getaway car

It was drizzling outside. I snuggled closer, watching the rain pour on your windshield. We were sitting comfortably inside your car, listening to our favorite indie bands as we always do. I’ve always enjoyed our little moments like this, quiet and comfortable.

I would always press my ear on your chest and wonder if I make your heart skip a beat. Who was I kidding? Of course I don’t. Your heart was something that I could own for a moment, but only for a moment. It would never be mine.

For a while, it was enough.

I don’t know when I started to feel something different between us. Maybe it was in our quiet moments in between. The soft good night kisses, singing songs together on our way home, your hand gently caressing my hair whenever I would tell you how bad my day was, your eyes and the way you would quietly stare at me as if I was special. 

For a while, they were enough.

We had an agreement and it was clear from the start. No attachments. No feelings. How did we end up like this? I can barely remember. 

Maybe things started to change when you allowed me to be vulnerable. When I accidentally let my walls down and allowed you in. Do you know how protective I was of my feelings?

I never let anyone in. But things changed with you and that’s when I knew I was in trouble.

I was okay with our boundaries. I was okay with only having you for a moment. I was okay with just the quiet little moments.

But now, I know they’re not enough.

As I sit quietly inside your car while listening to you hum, I realized that this may be the beginning of the end. It would hurt for a while, I know. I would miss you and your stupid jokes, that I’m sure of. 

I never thought I would fall.

“Let’s go home?” you asked quietly while rubbing my arm. I gave you a small nod. 

“Last,” you whispered, while giving me a tight hug. I melted in your embrace and felt your smile in return. As you caressed my hair for the last time that night, a thought crossed my mind.

Perhaps, this is enough.

[ohsayhello]

2018, you were far from great. But I like you, nevertheless.

Not my best year but at least I was able to conquer some of my fears. I’m still quite afraid of heights and swimming in deep waters but we’ll get there, one daring activity at a time.

I only pray for healing and recovery this coming year.

Hoping for the best this 2019. I hope your 2019 will be great too.

[ohsayhello]

October 20, 2018 | Broken Beach, Bali

Spent my birthday looking at this beautiful view. I am reminded by God’s grace in my life. 24 years in this crazy, beautiful world. 

Life has been full of ups and downs recently. Life at work has been a blur (it always has been, especially when you’re working in an advertising agency) and my anxiety attacks have worsen. On my dark days, I would question my existence and why certain things had to happen. The gray clouds would often appear and it would badly affect my mood and overall performance at work. There were days that were really difficult and I would end up crying.

As I stood by the cliff, I watched in awe as the waves crashed. I was amazed with how beautiful God’s creations were. The water was vibrant blue, so blue that I just stared at it for a full minute, trying to grasp the beauty of the ocean. The sky was clear. The rock formations were incredible. I was captivated by Bali’s beauty and the fact that my Father in heaven was the one who created all of it. 

I haven’t really felt peace in a long time. It has always been chaotic in the city. But then as I stood by the cliff with all the other tourists, I realized how lucky I was to witness so much beauty. Finally, I was happy again.

[ohsayhello]

2 weeks ago I went on a solo trip to Siem Reap! 

Siem Reap was where I met a lot of wonderful people from all over the world. I highly believe that what makes solo travel memorable are the people that you meet. I’ve made friends from the hostel, from the pubs in Pub Street and from the tours that I’ve been to. 

We shared stories over beer and they told me about their past trips, the places they’re visiting next, and their hopes for the future. I’m always energized whenever I hear these stories from fellow travelers. I love hearing all about the places I haven’t seen. It makes me want to continue traveling and seeing more of what the world has to offer.

[ohsayhello]

On writing again

Hello!

Wow, almost a year has passed and I have not written anything here. I used to envy people who were able to update their blogs everyday because interesting things happen in their lives. They always have stories to tell and I don’t. 

I started blogging when I was in high school and other than my (now non-existent) love life, I could only write about school and some of the movies & series that I watched. I felt like nothing in my life was worth sharing. I didn’t travel then (my family isn’t a fan of travelling until now), I wasn’t really a good artist so I didn’t share much of my art and I wasn’t really into fashion. I liked to take photos, sure but other than that, that’s all I had.

Years later, my life got a little interesting. I started working in PR, I attended events, parties and music festivals, I was finally able to travel and meet a lot of cool people - I finally have stories to tell. I wasn’t just observing life, finally, I’m participating in it.

Sadly, I felt like I ran out of words to say. I didn’t have the motivation to write. I left my journals and blogs empty. My last journal entry was 4 months ago. I didn’t bother writing.

As someone who found joy in writing, it never occurred to me that one day I wouldn’t be able to write. I always thought of writing as my form of escape. It was my comfort zone. I always wrote down everything - whether I was sad, happy, angry, anxious - I poured everything down through pen and paper. But early last year, I found myself staring at blank pages.

I couldn’t pick up my pen. I couldn’t type down the words. My mind was empty. My words were gone. I couldn’t tell my stories anymore.

I felt like I was stuck in the abyss. My words sucked down in the black hole.

Recently, I’ve been staring at my travel photos from 2016 and 2017, and I thought, “damn! So many wonderful things happened! Why didn’t I write about them?” I wanted to re-tell my stories. I wanted to have something to look back to. And most of all, I want to express my joy. 

I know that the past few years have been rough. Who loves being lost and frustrated anyway? I couldn’t figure my life out. But despite all that, there were good parts. Lots of them. I wanted to keep the good parts you know? I wanted to share them with the world. 

So here I am, trying (and failing) to write. I promised myself that I would write, write, write no matter what. I will find the words again. It will hurt, it will get frustrating but I will try.