#longterm relationship

[lgbtq-archives]

John and Jack were in an age-gap relationship for 35 years. Full story:

[heyidkyay]

And if it weren't this dark |

(Tip of the tongue but I can't deliver it properly)

Part One

A/N: hey, a short Alex one for you! it's been in my drafts for a while now, and isn't proofread but I figured I'd just post it and see if anyone likes it, first time writing for him so bare with me..

Summary: You and Alex have been together for ages and it's been so incredible, only now things have changed and you're struggling to tell him just how you feel.

Warning: angst- but also a bit of fluff so, lack of communication

Part Two

--

I’d been dropping hints.

JESUS CHRIST had I been dropping hints.

There wasn’t a day gone by that I hadn’t thought about it finally happening. But as I mentioned, I’d been dropping hints only, they hadn’t been hitting.

So either I was relatively shit at this whole charade or… Alex was just utterly clueless.

I was leaning more towards the latter. But maybe I was simply biased, because over the last coming weeks my hints hadn’t been all that subtle.

I mean, only the other day we’d been on the way to my sister’s house for tea- she’d recently gotten engaged and mum had wanted to celebrate the only way my family really knew how. With good food. 

But neither Alex or I had remembered to pick up the wine we’d promised beforehand, and so we’d popped into the local Tesco’s on the drive over to pick up a few bottles. And whilst we’d been perusing- as you do- we’d somehow found ourselves wandering down the baby aisle.

Yes, the baby aisle. Because that was what I’d been waiting on. A baby. Or rather, a fucking good shag that then led to a baby.

Because, let’s be honest, I really wasn’t one to turn down a good time, far from, but these last few weeks there had been something else I’d been rather hoping for.

Everyone (and I mean everyone!!) around us was either settling down, buying homes, building families, or getting engaged. And Alex and I, well we’d been together for years and yet, nothing.

No ring. No big day planned. No talks of the future. Nada.

Nothing.

And I could honestly say that I wasn’t the type that needed that kind of security voiced or announced.

Truly. 

When Alex and I had first gotten together, I’d only realised that we were properly seeing each other when some other lad at a house party had tried to pull me. I’d never seen Alex so possessive, and it had been proper cute and a tad bit funny in the moment. He’d ‘staked his claim’- how cliche and chauvinistic, yes I know- but that was what had quickly taken us from Y/n and Alex, to Y/nandAlex. Which had suited me quite fine.

So yeah, him and I, since then had always sort of relied on our actions to simply show how we were feeling. 

Like when we’d first moved in together. There’d not been much of a discussion about it, my flat had quickly become the first place Alex would come back to after touring, his stuff had just started taking up space- washing in the dryer, dirty trainers in the hallway- and then he’d started calling it home. ‘Let’s head home, shall we?’ and ‘We’ll be home soon, darling.’ 

And that was all lovely. I adored having that kind of connection with him. 

But there were times when I desperately wished he would open up a little more about what he was thinking. Because although I could read him like an open book most days- his emotions especially- there were far and few times in between when I just felt so lost.

Like recently, I supposed.

I feel like we’ve been on the same page for so long, only now I’m ready to turn anew, start another chapter. Together.

But Alex? I have no fucking clue what he wants.

In all honesty, I think he’d be rather content to just carry on as we have been for the rest of eternity. No talk, no hashing things out. Have Christmas dinner with his parents, spend Boxing Day with mine. New Years in London, back home in time for spring. Same order from the local kebab, Friday nights stay reserved for one another.

And that would be it.

Lost to this routine.

Not that I was expecting a proposal or some grand gesture. I wasn’t much into the idea of any of that! No, just- I wanted more, you know?

I wanted that family I’d always dreamt about, that house we’d quickly make a home. I wanted nappies and nightly feeds, baby-grows which then turned into dungarees. Ten tiny little toes, someone with a cute button nose, a person made up of both him and I. 

But I just didn’t know when that would happen, or if it ever would.

So yeah- Tesco’s. Fuck, did I love to ramble! If Alex could only hear me now I supposed. 

So, as I was saying, we’d been stood in the baby aisle, Alex scrolling through his phone aimlessly, waiting for my dad to text him back a reply after we’d asked if they’d needed anything else whilst we were out. And me, staring starry eyed at the tiny socks and mittens and cute little newborn tees that were on display.

I’d said to him, almost thoughtlessly, “Imagine us having to buy all this. All these tiny little things.”

He’d just glanced up at me, smiled, hummed. Then replied, “Your dad asked if you’d pick him up some of that heartburn medication he buys. Says his acid reflux is playing up again.”

And hadn’t that just been grand? Mentioning my father’s gastrointestinal issues whilst we’d been stood surrounded by adorable little baby items, with me unsubtly referencing the image of US buying some for OUR child in the (now very obvious and very, very far) future.

Incredibly clued in, my Alex.

That hadn’t even been the worst of it though.

A few weeks back, my friend had mentioned that her and her fiancé were actively trying to conceive and I’d been so over the moon for the pair of them. All excited about the chance of having another baby to spoil rotten.

And Alex, he had been all smiles whilst congratulating them, sat comfortably beside me, but when I’d brought it up again on the drive home, he’d simply shrugged it off as though it was a thing that occurred every other day. 

Your mates starting a family. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, at least not to Alex. 

It had royally pissed me off in truth.

And I’d been a little off with him ever since, I think he knew it too.

“Love?”

I blinked out of the daze I’d let myself get lost in and looked away from the laptop screen I’d been staring at for the last, however long. I hummed quietly to him in reply, titling my head against the cushions and over towards where he was stood in the doorway.

“Been calling your name for a while now, you alright?” He quirked a brow up at me, a smug little smile limning his lips as he leant against the frame. He didn’t even know how good he looked. 

I nodded with a small smile then glanced away, back towards the email I’d just been typing. “‘M fine. Just need to get this done.”

Alex said nothing but I heard the soft shuffle of his socked feet across our wooden floors before the settee dipped beside me. He rested his chin against my shoulder, peering down at the screen.

“Just wanted to know what you fancied for tea.” Alex murmured, breath brushing against the skin of my neck. I withheld a shiver. “Figured we could order from that place round the corner.”

I rolled my lip against the other, pushing my glasses up my nose before I wrote another passage, honing all of my focus on finishing this email so that I could finally just relax for the evening.

“Whatever you want, Al. I’m not all that fussed.”

Alex leant away from me slightly, back pressing against the settee cushions, he stayed that way for a while and I could feel his presence as I continued to type away. It was only a short time later that I grinned triumphantly down at the laptop and clicked send, thankful to have it gone and out of my mind.

“All done, cherry?”

Smiling at the familiar petname, my eyes flickered over towards him. I took in the woollen jumper he wore, as well as his hair which was tousled and unkept, probably from having run his hands through it all day. I was only just able to stop myself from reaching out to tangle my fingers in it, wanting to smooth it over. 

“All done.” I murmured faintly and gifted him a tired smile.

Alex was the type to take something and run with it though, so I wasn’t all that surprised when he grinned right back at me and extended a hand out to cradle my left cheek. I leaned into his warmth for a second, allowing his thumb to brush the skin under my eye, probably from where today’s makeup had just begun to smudge. 

I inhaled after and slowly pulled away. Not paying much mind to the way Alex slumped slightly and instead opting to busy myself with putting away my laptop and clearing up the mess I’d made of the coffee table. 

I did it all quietly, picking up the two mugs of tea I’d made, one empty, the other barely touched from where I’d forgotten about it, whilst Alex watched on. The tele remote was perched on the very edge of the table and so I tossed it over towards him, padding my way into the kitchen.

“Put something on, will you? Think there’s a good film on Channel 5.” I prompted over my shoulder, glancing at him through the tramson window that had been installed shortly after the sink had sprung a leak during last tour and flooded the flat, forcing us to make do whilst the owner had remodelled.

Pressing the power up button, Alex flipped the remote around in his hand a couple of times, he looked deep in thought and so I left him be, choosing to wash up the two mugs as well as the few stray knives and forks which littered the basin. 

I hummed quietly to myself, an old song I could hardly recall the lyrics of, whilst I worked, thinking about the many things I had to get done before the weekend started. 

It was Alex’s voice which startled me from my musings actually. He was so much closer now than he’d been before when he spoke up again, I'd obviously not heard his approach.

“So, tea?” Alex questioned me with a slight furrow between his brows, he’d propped himself up against the kitchen counter about an arms width away.

“God, Al! What are you- a wraith? Don’t sneak up on me like that!” I scolded, having jumped out of my skin. I took a deep breath. “Could’ve had a heart attack or something over the kitchen sink.”

Alex chuckled lowly at me, clearly amused by my reaction, he shook his head. “Make headlines, you- woman dies whilst doing the washing up! Reckon it’ll lead to a riot- start up a petition that’ll change the way we wash dishes forever.”

I rolled my eyes, flicking a few soap duds at him in retaliation which only made him reach out towards me. I tried to evade him but he was too quick, sweeping and wrapping me up in his arms so that I couldn’t proceed to splash him any further.

“You always been this much of a weirdo?” I huffed, not making much of an effort to escape his hold even as I struggled to blow a strand of hair out of my face. 

He hummed, smiling down at me as we begun to sway. “Might’ve been. No getting rid of me now that you’ve finally realised it though.”

I playfully winced in retort, forcing out a loud put-upon sigh. “Should’ve just kept quiet and slipped out once you’d fallen asleep watching the tele.”

Alex narrowed his eyes at me, tugging me in tighter. “As if you would.” He taunted.

I simply smirked in retort and let my damp hands work their way under the soft material of his jumper. I cackled loudly at the way he shivered and jumped away from me like a frightened cat during a thunderstorm.

“Ah, you’re in for it!” Alex declared, his face a right picture.

Quick as I could, I dived to my left so that I could position the kitchen counter between us, bracing myself against it to grin over at him. “Should’ve thought twice about that before telling me what to do, Turner.”

“Minx.” Alex smirked, and then he pounced.

We spent the next however long running about the flat after that. 

He’d somehow been able to grab at me in the hallway but I’d thankfully managed to wrangle my way out of his hold, sprinting into our room to use the bed to my advantage. I rolled over it, putting a dent in the freshly made sheets but using the spare moment to take a couple- much needed- deep breaths whilst Alex waltzed slowly inside. I scowled when the door closed behind him. He flashed me a victorious smile.

“Unfair. I’m at a disadvantage.” I pouted, hoping it would soften him slightly. But when that didn’t work I resorted back to a narrow eyed glare. “Open the door, Alex.”

“I don’t think so, Angel-face. You see, I’ve got you cornered.”

I looked for another escape, Alex only growing nearer, but my only options were limited. I could either goad him and then dart towards the door, or dive out the window. 

Seeing as though I didn’t much fancy breaking my neck, I opted for the former.

“Come on, Al.” I chuckled breathlessly, perching precariously on the edge of the mattress in hopes of lowering his defences a little. “We’ve had fun, but I’m proper knackered now. Call it quits so we can have a cuddle?”

Alex glanced over at me warily, he knew me far too well but appeared to be on the verge of agreement. He slowly made his way over towards the bed, shoulders hunched, still on his guard. 

“Promise?”

I hummed my vague assent, smiling up at him softly.

He paused with squinted eyes, “You’ve gotta verbalise it, love. Don’t count otherwise.”

I tilted my head up at him, feigning confusion. But we both knew I wouldn’t say it unless I really meant it. I kept my word.

That little flaw of mine seemed to trip me up though, and we both realised it at the same time too. So as I manoeuvred my way towards the door- feeling like Kim Possible, might I add- Alex was already in motion, catching me by the hips before I could even surpass the foot of the bed.

“Alex!” I screamed, only growing louder when he threw me over his shoulder and span us around. “Put me down! Now!”

“I fucking knew it!” Alex laughed merrily, bouncing me about the place. I swatted at his back unhappily, starting to feel my stomach in my throat. “Knew you’d try something.”

“Yeah, yeah… proper clever, you. Can you put me fucking down now? Think I’m gonna yosh.”

I could only roll my eyes when he dropped me on my arse, although thankfully it was on the mattress. Huffing, I fought to tame the mess he’d probably made of my hair.

“Twat.”

Alex merely chuckled, leaning in close to tuck a strand of stray hair behind my ear. I smiled when he pressed a gentle kiss to my forehead. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Hm, so you say.” I replied, peering up at him from where he towered over me, his hand falling to frame my jaw.

He leant in again, smiling as his lips met mine. “Had to show you who’s boss, didn’t I? Couldn’t let you get away with that.”

I gave an airy titter, pushing him away so that I could pull myself to my feet. “I could’ve had you on your arse the second you strolled in here, was just playing fair.”

He caught my wrist before I could retreat back into the living room, encasing my hand in his. I frowned slightly, looking back at him, mainly confused.

“What’s up?” I questioned him. His brown eyes flickered back and forth between my own, he looked conflicted all of a sudden, it was something you didn’t see on Alex too often which caused my frown to deepen, “Alex?” I prodded.

A small sigh escaped him and his gaze fell towards our joined hands, I let my thumb brush against the back of his own, wanting to reassure him in some way.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” I asked again, stepping closer. My other hand braced his forearm.

Alex’s eyes found mine once more and I didn’t think I had ever seen him this torn up. It threw me a bit, his demeanour had changed so quickly, it was like he’d done a total one-eighty on me.

“Think I should be asking you that question.”

I frowned at Alex’s vague reply.

“What do you mean? I’m fine, Alex. Annoyed that you won, but I’ll get you the next time.” I assured him, chuckling softly at the end. But it didn’t seem to do much.

Alex just shook his head, stepping away towards the window. He dragged a hand across his face, rubbing at his chin whilst he gazed down at the street below. 

“Al…” I tried. “Alex. Will you look at me?”

His eyes fell shut, he squeezed them as though he was trying to sort through a messy array of thoughts, of emotions.

Then he sighed. “I just don’t get you sometimes. One second you’re off with me, hardly even have the time to spare a glance my way. Then the next, we’re as happy as Larry, dancing about the kitchen, play-fighting, laughing.”

I had to look away, down towards my feet as a surge of guilt rippled through me. It wasn’t Alex’s fault that he had no idea about all the thoughts that were raging about inside my head. It wasn’t his fault that I was too scared to just come out with it. To tell him what I so does wanted. To just talk to him. 

None of the blame was on him and yet, I’d still placed it all there.

“I’m sorry.” I said, slumping down onto the edge of the mattress with a sigh. My eyes trailed over to find him staring back, his face gave nothing away. “I’ve been an utter twat. And I’ve been so fucking unfair to you. I- I don’t know, Al. I’ve just been struggling with a lot lately. But it really is nothing that you’ve done.”

Alex released a long breath, thumbing the bridge of his nose before he walked towards the bed, taking a seat beside me. We sat there in silence for a few moments, I could feel my heart hammering in my throat. Because it really was now or never. I either told him or… I got over myself. And nothing would change.

“You say you’ve been struggling.”

I angled my head over towards him upon hearing his words, Alex continued to look onwards though, his hands clasped between his knees.

He looked a lot older in that moment, and it reminded me of just how long we’d been together. I could recall a similar moment we’d shared well over a decade ago now, just before the band’s very first London gig.

Alex had spent weeks torturing himself over it, figuring that they’d be wasting their time playing to an empty room. 

It had been the night before they’d been set to leave when he’d come round mine. It’d been late. Really late, as in only mere hours before the train he’d been expected on was set to depart. 

It had just been the two of us. But that hadn’t ever been an unusual occurrence. We’d sat in silence together for a longwhile on my messy bedsheets- he’d always been the type to struggle with words. Strange for a songwriter, yeah, but unless they were accompanied by a couple chords then Alex could honestly spend a millennia searching for the right ones to use if you’d let him. 

He had spoken up eventually though. Told me what was bugging him. And I’d been the one to try and right every bad thought he’d had. Dull his racing mind. 

I’d always very much doubted his fears, about no one wanting to listen to their music outside of Sheffield. Outside of the safety net we’d grown up in. But Alex was as stubborn as I was, and so we’d spent a lot of late nights arguing about it. We’d always make up for it though come morning. 

And Alex had gone, obviously. I’d been one of the few to see the band off that morning, waving goodbye even as the train blurred and disappeared out of sight. He’d phoned me later that night after the gig, I’d heard his smile, he’d gone on this long rant about how wrong he’d been. Because the pillock had only gone and gotten carried around the venue on a sea of hands, hadn’t he?

This moment didn’t feel quite the same though. Because these fears I’d been facing, well they didn’t threaten anything outside of the four walls we’d carved for ourselves. If I told him how I felt, there was a very big chance that he might not feel the same, want the same. There was a very real chance he could just walk away.

“If it’s been so bad. Why didn’t you just come to me?” Alex asked and his eyes found mine then, that warm brown of his appeared so oddly defeated. So much so, I struggled to find a reply. 

“Just come out with it. Please. ‘Cause all this up and down, and back and forth. I don’t know if I can take much more. It’s been driving me round the bend. I hate reaching out towards you and feeling you pull further away. Kills me. Hate feeling like there’s something standing between us. ‘Cause it’s never been that way. Not with me and you.”

My throat grew tight with tears, but I wouldn’t cry, not now. Not when it was me who had caused all this.

“I know.” I had to take a deep breath to keep them at bay. To hide the strain in my voice. I pivoted so that my knee folded beneath me and I could really see his face. He followed, taking ahold of my hands. “I know, and I am sorry. Truly. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything earlier. That I let it get this bad. That I let you get so torn up. I didn’t even realise.”

Alex pulled me into an embrace, hand holding the back of my neck as I buried my face in his. Because that was the man Alex was, he put me above everything else. Including himself.

“It’s fine, sweetheart.” He hushed, thumb brushing over the top of my spine. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”

I did know that. But still.

“I don’t want to lose you, Alex.”

That probably hadn’t been the best thing to say. Alex all but flung himself back, alarm swimming in his eyes as he levelled me with a long look.

“Lose me? What’s that meant to mean? Why would you lose me?”

A tear fell then, followed by a couple more. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, willing them away, hating the thought of seeing him so distraught.

“Y/n. Love. Please, you’re actually beginning to scare me now. Tell me what’s happened.”

I tried to look away. I didn’t want to do this, not here not now, but his fingers grasped my chin, tugging me back to face him.

A sob spilled from my lips and I crumpled slightly, his hands jumped up to my shoulders, struggling to hold me up.

“What could have you this worked up?” He stressed, shaking me slightly. “Just tell me, because all the fucking things I’ve got racing through my head. I- Put me out of my misery at least. Please.”

It took all the strength I had to peer up at him, eyes red and raw. “I want more, Alex. I want more than just this.”

After I’d said it, I wanted to take all my words back. The hurt that flashed across his face felt like a sharp slap to mine. He started to move, to stand. And I realised he was about to leave.

“Al. Alex.” I called, tried. Clutching at his arm. “Alex, please! Just listen, will you?”

He wasn’t having it. Shaking his head at me as he stormed his way out of the bedroom.

“I can’t believe you’ve just said that.”

It was like a punch to the gut, hearing the upset that lined his voice. His back was to me as I chased after him, I’d ever seen him like this.

“I didn’t mean it! Not like that! Not in the way it sounded.”

“Like fuck you didn’t mean it, Y/n!” Alex shouted, and I caught a glimpse of his face when he went to tug his jacket off the hanger by the front door. 

I could count the times I’d seen Alex cry on one hand. But right then, there were tears in his eyes.

“Alex.” I pleaded with him.

A deathly silence fell between us, I watched his shoulders sag before he turned back around towards me. I wanted nothing more than to hold him again. Take away all his pain, the pain I’d caused.

“If you leave right now, I’ll never forgive you.” I choked out, “Please don’t leave. Please.”

He stared at me. Long and hard.

“Tell me the truth then.”

His voice was nothing but a strained whisper. He looked so tired, arms slumped helplessly by his sides.

I swallowed thickly. Hands fisted against my chest.

Alex scoffed at me then and ran a hand over his face, rubbing at his stinging eyes. He shook his head and went for the latch.

I felt my eyes fall close. It was now or never, I supposed. He was leaving either way.

“I want a baby, Alex.”

[awesomefringey]

Do you think Harry and Louis have sex with other people while being with each other or while they were going through rough patch. I mean it's hard to believe that they had only each other since 16 and 18 while having such a lifestyle.

Hi nonnie, funny you say “such a lifestyle”? Because by lifestyle you probably mean the one of a rock star, where they have all the options, being flirted with continuously, being offered all sorts of things on a daily until they MUST have been tempted.

I’m not saying the temptations aren’t there but I’m saying there are two very big factors beyond them being in a committed relationship (and I’m so sad that so many believe it’s impossible) that I don’t believe in other hookups:

1) the closet

So what kind of offers would a closeted man get? Right, those of women of all ages. So that’s easy to deny when you’re gay. Thus there aren’t any rumors of fan hookups with Louis and Harry during 5 years of 1D. Louis was made unavailable on top of it, with a beard so him denying isn’t suspicious. And Harry, the womanizer, couldn’t care less about female advances.

But let’s say a gay man felt brave, their gaydar alerting him so he approached them. What do you think would be the options here? Would they really risk everything just to hook up secretly? Just for someone who doesn’t get their closet, who doesn’t understand what’s on the line, who’s offended seeing them holding hands with some model, who can’t keep it to himself they hooked up with THE LT/HS? To risk a huge scandal with it ending in the press?

2) the fake industry

Whoever would flirt with them will always flirt with Louis™️ or Harry™️. I don’t know how you see them, but my idea of them is that they are very normal people who have been bruised by the media since they were kids. They know it’s all fake. They know the idea people have of them is a creation in those people’s heads, a creation of the public images. I don’t think they have any interest in fulfilling someone’s teenage poster wet dreams.

We need to stop comparing their relationship/commitment to each other with the usual “highschool sweethearts” we have in mind here. Who end up married with children until they cheat and break up. Because they never went out there to have sex with others. Which is bs to begin with. Longterm relationships work if you keep growing together. You need to love yourself to love the other. If you and your partner are willing to do the work, your relationship just doesn’t get boring because it progresses constantly.

Their “lifestyle” is thrilling to the max, it’s an adventure all the time and their “boring” relationship is what truly anchors them. What’s real. They know who they are with each other. They keep each other sane. And with the absolute benefits of both being in the same position, the same business, so there isn’t a lot to explain. They are home to each other in an artificial world. I can’t even come up with any temptation that would make them go “screw this”. They have something so special. I can’t imagine anyone better fitting for the other.

[lycarael]

Just got to spend 9 days with the love of my lives. Flew back last night. Moving states so we don't have to be LD next month or July.

[almostmidlife]

Am I shitty person for keeping track of the times my boyfriend and I have sex. Of the 9 times this month- I've only gotten off 4 times.

How sad is that?

I don't know what to fucking do anymore.

I wanna have sex. Constantly. I almost feel like I have to start avoiding my boyfriend.

[heyidkyay]

And if it weren't this dark |

(Tip of the tongue but I can't deliver it properly)

Part Two

A/N: Hey! Finally here with a part two, not sure if it'll live up to expectations but here's hoping? Thank you for all the love on the first part, you're all so lovely!:)

Summary: You and Alex have been together for ages and it's been so incredible, only now things have changed and you're struggling to tell him just how you feel.

Taglist: @froileinuhrwerk @gweaswift @ladydraculasthings

Part One

--

"I want a baby, Alex."

My words seemed to ring out in the silent hallway.

And the two of us, we just stood there, in a complete standstill.

I don’t know how much time passed by, it could’ve been seconds, or even minutes. But it felt like an entire millennia.

And Alex, he didn’t dare move, his fingers still caught tightly on the latch whilst I stared lamely at his back, tears staining my reddened cheeks.

How had it come to this? To an ultimatum and a silent stalemate. 

I couldn’t even fathom the thought of Alex finding out like this. Like he had. Of us arguing over something that could’ve easily been solved by us just talking! But I’d gone and let my fear rule me, once again. Only this time around, Alex wasn’t there to save the day. 

No, he’d been on the firing end of my bullet.

My mouth opened helplessly to say something, to draw him back in, to have him understand, but I couldn’t find the words to speak, let alone an excuse to to defend my actions. There were none that would make up for this. For how badly I’d fucked up here.

I pressed my lips together instead as another round of tears puddled along my waterline, they stung my nose and filled my ears. I wanted to say something, anything, but I couldn’t find the strength to do it. I just couldn’t, and that alone... it killed me.

I don’t know if was just dumb luck or divine timing, but the phone rung then. Its arrogant sound filled the eerily quiet flat that had since settled around us like the sand did after a dessert storm, and the two of us seemed to startle upon hearing it.

I swallowed tightly and Alex’s hand fell limply to his side. 

I waited, and I waited. For him to turn, to say something, to… I don’t even know what I was actually waiting for. But whatever it was, it never came, and the phone only continued to ring.

It rang and it rang until then it just stopped. And the silence which followed it was deafening. It practically swallowed us whole.

I physically jumped when it started back up again- apparently whoever was calling really wanted to get ahold of one of us. I had no clue as to who it could’ve possibly been, but I didn’t particularly care. Even so, if it was only going to keep ringing and Alex wasn’t going to give me a proper reply, then at least I could use this as a distraction. A lifeline. Something to fill the emptiness that cluttered my head.

Almost without thought I felt myself turn and let my feet carry me in the direction of the living room.

I counted the steps as I went. One. Two, three. Four… And by the time I made it to the doorway I saw that it was mine. It was my phone that was ringing.

I stared at it for a long second, watched it vibrate against the glass of the coffee table and with a deep inhale, I trailed across the rug to pick it up.

Wiping at my stuffy nose and wet eyes, I went to answer it. But it was too late. I was too late. The ringer went dead in my hands and I felt my eyes fall shut, knees giving way out under me. And suddenly, I felt so drained, so defeated.

But it wasn’t down to the phone, the call I’d gone and missed. I knew that.

It was the fact that I’d finally told him.

That I’d told him and there'd been nothing. He’d given me nothing.

I collapsed onto the settee, letting my head slip into my empty hands, phone discarded somewhere beside me. How had it come to this?

Why?

We’d been so good. The best we’d been in a long while. He was finally home. I was working out of the spare bedroom. We had time together. We were finally in the same fucking timezone for more than just a couple days! And there wasn’t a need for FaceTime calls or late night/early morning texts! We were together.

And this… this had just gone and fucked it all up. I had gone and fucked it all up.

Maybe if I’d just left things be, if I didn’t have this unnecessary need to control absolutely everything in my life. If I’d just told him…

I swallowed thickly and my heart all but jumped up to my throat when suddenly I picked up on the faint sound of shuffling out in the hallway. It was Alex, that was for certain. I just had no idea what it was that he was doing, but he was obviously doing something.

I tried not to think too hard about the blackhole that was swirling about in my chest as I ceased my breathing altogether just so I could listen in closer. Or the quickening of my pulse when I played out every single possible scenario that could happen from here on out.

Worst came to worst, that sound was Alex plucking up the courage to finally leave.

If I hoped hard enough, maybe it was just him hanging up his jacket.

I didn’t have to wait long before it all transpired. I held my baited breath whilst I listened intently to his every move. There was a small scuff, the ratting sound of keys being dropped or picked up- I couldn’t make out. But then there was the soft pad of feet near the living room’s doorway and my head instantly lifted up to find Alex stood there, staring straight back at me.

A rush of relief flooded through my every nerve when his dark brown eyes found mine and I gave him a shaky exhale in return. He was studying me, that much was evident, through hooded lids and with a concealed mind, but I couldn’t get a proper read on him. On what he might’ve been feeling. Thinking. I couldn’t concentrate on that though, only on the sight of him still stood there. Still sticking around for me. 

I couldn’t even find it in me to release the rest of the air I’d been clinging onto when he finally moved again, drifting over towards the settee to take perch on the chair opposite me. His head slightly hung, elbows on distanced knees, eyes now trained to the floor.

The silence crackled around us, electrifying the air and only added to my anxiety. I wanted to reach out, to take his hand in my, but that wasn’t how this got to work. He was the one who got to be upset, angry even. And he had every right to be, I’d fucked up here. I’d kept secrets. 

Big ones, too.

I had to let Alex make the first move, I wouldn’t let myself cock this up anymore than I already had.

It took a while, I wasn’t sure how long exactly, but it had just been a while before Alex finally stirred. Shifted I guess, dragging his eyes up to scour the expression I wore so openly on my face. I wondered what he saw. What he thought of me now.

“A baby.”

And that was all he had to say.

I fish-mouthed for a second, blinking as my mind tried to rewire itself, to catch up to where he was seemingly at.

“Uh.” Was the only sound that spilled from me, stupid I know, though I was quick to save myself. Albeit not by much. “Yeah, yes, Al. A baby.”

The words sounded so foreign in my mouth, so strange to utter. But they were out there now, I supposed. So I just had to wait and see what he made of it all. 

God, I really wanted to scream. Release some of the agonising tension that shrouded me. It itched and made me feel so uncomfortable. One emotion I’d never ever felt in the presence of Alex before.

“Right.” He murmured in turn, attention flitting over towards the window, outside and away from me.

I swallowed again, then looked down to see that my hands were trembling a tad. They always tended to whenever I worked myself up too much.

My gaze darted away from them though the second Alex inhaled sharply enough to garner my focus and I watched as he rubbed at his temples, a knowing sign that he probably had a migraine coming on. 

I chewed my lower lip and dragged the sleeves of the top I wore over my fisted hands to keep from reaching out.

“Christ.” Alex hissed under his breath and I saw him work his jaw just the once before he tilted his head towards me. “Fucking hell, darlin’." He breathed out before he went on, "Always with the dramatics, ey?Thought you were leaving me! Been cheating or something.”

My eyes widened on their own accord and I couldn’t quite hide my indignant scoff. “As if I ever would.”

Alex just shook his head at me though, and I was surprised by the disbelieving chuckle that escaped him. “Jesus.” He dragged out, rubbing at his chin whilst finally, finally looking at me. “A baby?”

His question was hushed, whispered almost, and so I nodded carefully, a little fearful to admit it out loud to him again.

Alex’s eyes fell shut at my admission and I felt that panic rising within me again. Flooding, rushing, and seeping out of my every pore. I rushed to reassure him somehow. In the only way I really could. 

“But you know, it’s not for definite." I immediately told him, shifting forward in my seat almost unaware. "And it’s not a decision that I’ve just jumped on and not thought about, alright? Like, it’s not something that’ll make or break us. It’s just something that I’ve been thinking a lot about. But if you don’t want kids, that’s fine, Al. That’s perfectly fine and we just won’t end up going down that path, okay? We can do other things. Like travel the world and spend all our money in shitty casinos and on private beaches, yeah? Lots of couples don’t start families, right? And they’re all happy enough. I reckon we could be too. You’re not bad company, I 'spose. I mean I’ve stuck with you this long…”

I found that my words begun to dwindle when I caught on to the fact that I’d been staring into a lost gaze. And aimlessly, I opted for a mere shrug as I trailed off. Hoping it would keep the build up of tears I could feel slowly wearing me down from out of my voice.

“Yeah, well.” I wrapped up, wringing my shaking fingers in my lap whilst I gazed hopelessly back at him. I had nothing else to do but wait.

My rant, although having spiralled, did hold a lot of truth. Yes, I wanted a baby, a child with Alex. Someone who was made up of both him and me. But I also knew, wholeheartedly, that I’d give up that dream if it meant losing him. If Alex turned around right this second and told me he didn’t want kids then I’d simply nod and that would be the end of it. I’d be heartbroken, of course. But a whole lot less heartbroken than I would be if I lost him completely. It’d always been him and me. Always.

And that future I’d dreamt of meant nothing without him there with me.

“But you do.”

I frowned, brow pinching at Alex’s words. 

“I, what?” I questioned him, lost now from the disarray my mind had worked itself into.

“You want a baby.” Alex stated. It wasn’t a question, or him wanting a reassurance from me. It was the truth and just that.

I stared back at him. A reel of memories replaying through the forefront of my mind. Us, young, dumb and happy. Us, skint and sad. Us, back at school. Us, round his. Us, on the tour bus. Us, in hotels. Just us.

I could only nod at him, letting my chin drop once. Words escaping me and unable to tear my eyes away.

Alex said nothing. Didn’t utter a single word for a minute or two. And I’d almost begun vibrating in my seat to keep from saying anything too, from moving to join him. To simply ask what the fuck was going through his mind!

But then he’d jumped right up off the settee and clapped his hands, startling the shit out of me.

“Right then, best get to it.”

“Eh?”

I stared up at him, watched as an insufferable smirk walked itself onto his lips and as his feet manoeuvred their way around the coffee table that separated us. The closer he got, the bigger his grin grew. And the more bewildered I was.

“Alex, what- what are you on about?” I questioned him when he took my left hand in his, allowing his touch to soothe me and letting him be there. Just there within my hold. “Al?”

Alex merely tugged me up onto my feet and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in impossibly close, his nose meeting mine as his brown eyes tore their way into my very soul. He could see every part of me and I just let him because that was how we’d always worked. Him and me.

“Al…” I whispered again, heart pounding as his gaze flittered back and forth between my own. That smirk of his widening enough to turn into a toothy sort of grin. One I adored, and one only ever meant for me. 

“If you want this baby then I reckon we’d best get right on it, hey?” Alex murmured to me, the touch of him made set my skin alight and made me question how I’d ever thought he’d walk away. “Might take us some time though... Reckon this first go could take all night. And even then we’ll probably have to keep at it. For your sake, of course.”

I found myself feeling effortlessly lighter as an airy laugh escaped me, so bewildered by the sudden turn of events. 

“My sake?” I couldn’t help but ask him, savouring his feathered touch and squinted stare. His hands erupted goosebumps up the length of my spine and his breath on my lips almost made me shiver.

“Oh, love. You’ve asked and so I’ll deliver.” Alex shot right back, nudging the tip of my nose with his own. “So,” He murmured against my mouth, fingertips toying with the hem of my trousers, “If you’ve got no place else to be…”

I gave him a giddy grin then immediately leant forward to kiss him, hands tangling in the roots of his dark hair and laughing wildly when he lifted me up off my feet.

“Alex!” I cried out, but he just drew me back in, biting at my bottom lip to cease my endless giggles. 

Which evidently worked, and in turn he let my fingers slowly dance their way down the side of face, running over the curve of his cheek and through the scruff of his jaw. He relented then and let go, gazing back at me so openly. So full of love. I took his chin between my forefinger and thumb so that I could press a gentle peck to his lips this time around and murmured three words that would forever be true.

“I love you.”

Alex smiled down at me.

“Love you, too, cherry. Don’t question that.”

I hummed, my eyes roaming across every inch of his face. And I leant in once more, legs wrapped perfectly around his torso, so that I could whisper, “You gonna come through on that promise of yours, Turner, or am I stuck shafted with all the hard work?”

His eyes narrowed at the challenge and before I could even make sense of it all, we were halfway down the hall, the two of us laughing like nothing in the world could ever hurt us. Like the argument hadn’t even occurred. As though we hadn’t just agreed to start a family together.

A family.

My heart skipped a beat at the very thought and I could only smile happily when Alex kicked the bedroom door swiftly shut behind us.

Let round one commence, I supposed.

[lgbtq-archives]

𝐀𝐠𝐞 𝐆𝐚𝐩 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 - 𝐀𝐧 𝐄𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲

[lgbtq-archives]