diary of a 38 y.o. female

[almostmidlife]

I'm 38 female. Menopausal and on hormone therapy. Boyfriend is 41. Hoping to use this platform to vent some frustrations. During 90% our relationship I am so in love with my boyfriend. The other 10% wishes I was single.

[almostmidlife]

I fucking hate that I have to ask my boyfriend to have sex with me every single time. I hate that I'm the one that has to initiate sex with him. And last night when we were about to and I asked him to get on top he didn't want to. After that I just lost the desire. So I stopped it cause it really killed the mood for me.

I don't wanna be an asshole to my boyfriend cause he really is a great partner. Takes care of me in every other way....except sexually.

[almostmidlife]

Am I shitty person for keeping track of the times my boyfriend and I have sex. Of the 9 times this month- I've only gotten off 4 times.

How sad is that?

I don't know what to fucking do anymore.

I wanna have sex. Constantly. I almost feel like I have to start avoiding my boyfriend.

[almostmidlife]

Is it cheating if I flirt with a guy at the bar?

And then I think - how would I feel if my boyfriend flirted with another girl? Well honestly he's so clueless he wouldn't know what to do with a girl flirting with him. I don't think I'd be upset at all.

In fact, I think he could use the practice.

[almostmidlife]

My friend and I went out the bar.

I talked to a guy.

Then he said had to go sit with his friend.

He went with a girl I've talked to at the bar before. It was the same girl whose friend I flirted with before. Sigh.

I told my friend I just want to feel something. Or for someone to make me feel something.

[almostmidlife]

I mean if your girlfriend asks for a dick pic ..... you fucking send one. Sigh.

[almostmidlife]

My boyfriend and I had another discussion/argument about the sex. I was crying my eyes out. Basically confessing that I (if a bit selfishly) offer oral sex every day in the hopes to have sex with him. I confessed that I didn't even care about myself and getting off- that's how desperate I've been.

He said he had no idea. He thought I was just being funny and joking around.

I don't know if this is gonna change anything between us. And if I'm being honest it's one of the reasons I don't push him to get married. Instead we're just stuck in this dating/engaged thing.

[thehopefulquotes]

“I hope you fall in love with someone who never lets you fall asleep thinking you’re unwanted.”

— Unknown

[almostmidlife]

Today I'm grateful for my boyfriend.

Unexpectedly I had a vasovagal syncope episode at the restaurant were we were having lunch. It's been years since I've had one and I didn't faint but it was still embarrassing.

I was very glad to have my boyfriend there to care for me.

[almostmidlife]

Now I thoroughly understand why anyone would pay for sex.

Literally my mind goes crazy thinking of scenarios where I figure out a way to go on vacation without my boyfriend so I can have one a night stand or even pay for sex.

[almostmidlife]

August 19

Still no sex.

[almostmidlife]

Sometimes I think that maybe I don't deserve to be loved or sexualized because I'm fat. And then I come across this Lucian Freud painting that is literally my body type and it's depicted so well and gives me all the feelings.

[almostmidlife]

I like to do this thing where I force my husband to watch or read or listen to things I know for a fact he wouldn't do on his own. Today I'm making him watch The Good Earth (I dont think I can get him to read the book)

It's never too late to shape the life of a human being.

[almostmidlife]

August 7 + 8

No sex.

[almostmidlife]

Beyoncé's new album reminds me of the only other serious relationship I've been in. But only because he had the same birthday as Beyonce. That shouldn't be something I think about but I can't help it.

[almostmidlife]

I saw this fitness challange on line.

Going for a walk whenever I'm horny. Maybe gonna try that see if it helps any.

[almostmidlife]

August 6.

No sex today.