#longthoughtsofthisrandommind

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

When I Grow Up

       Have you ever felt as though you just want to forget about your choices and options and face reality because choosing is just so darn hard? That is exactly what I'm feeling right now.

       As I've openly confessed so many times before, I'm a senior. I'm bound to say goodbye to the safe and cozy confines of my alma mater of about 12 or so years. My batchmates and I are slowly grasping the reality that we are growing up and into a new phase. Honestly, I'm not liking all of it--not one bit.

       Colleges are opening their doors for incoming freshmen next school year and we've filled out forms and woke up super early on weekends to take entrance tests for the colleges of our choice. We've started thinking about our futures and what we want to be when we grow up.

       What do I want to be when I grow up? You know, that question still puzzles me up to this very day. When I was younger, I knew exactly what I wanted to be. People would ask me with a lighthearted smile and I would answer them with confidence and certainty what I wanted to be.

       But then, as I got to know myself better and learned a lot of things about life, my perspectives, dreams and aspirations changed. The confidence and certainty that exuded from that little kid then turned into uncertainty and anxiety.

       So, here I am, stuck in an anxiety, uncertainty, and undecided pit. There are a lot of things running through my head, besides the usual homework and what to do on the weekends.

       I've received my first response from the few colleges that I've applied to this morning. It's actually sort of bittersweet. I was over-the-moon happy that I was accepted because I was expecting the total opposite. I couldn't believe that they actually think of me as worthy to be called one of their students and would gladly accommodate me next year.

       At the same time, I felt scared and torn. The acceptance would mean that I'd be studying in Manila, which is far away from home. I would have to be away from my family and the comforts of home. I'd have to move to a big city while at the same time try to figure myself out. It's going to have to be me, myself and I. In other words, there would be a lot of independence.

       I have yet to figure out all the answers to all the big questions. There will have to be a lot more soul searching and deep thinking before I make up my mind. But I know one thing and it's that whatever I decide, I know that there is someone up there who will always have my back and look out for me. Things will turn out more than fine. :)

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

This'll Be My Year

       It's New Year's Eve and you know what that means. It's the last day of the month. The last 24 hours before we turn a new page in our book and add another candle on our birthday cakes. It's the perfect time to look back on the year that has been.

       2012 has been quite a year for me. That much I can honestly say. I'm not going to sugarcoat any details and tell you that the year is all good because it hasn't. And you know what? I'm actually really thankful about that.

       I'm feeling very nostalgic right now--just like I feel very nostalgic on every New Year's Eve of my teenage life. Let me share with you the 2012 chapter of the book that is my life.

       This year, it all started with a bang. I'm not talking about the fireworks. I mean, Prom. Prom was one of the most stressful, frustrating, complicated and exciting things in my 2012.

       It was because of Prom that I realized the true meaning of friendship. This year, friendships have been tested and have fizzled out in my life. I saw who I should and shouldn't keep holding on to. I lost a friend, and gained so many more along the way. I saw and felt true friendship. And to that I thank you. Thank you for seeing and knowing the real me. You don't know how thankful I am that I met you and that you showed me what true friendship is.

       Prom also showed me that there's no love like the love your family gives. You see, during this stormy time in my life, I found warmth and shelter in my family. They were there for me, ready to listen and help. To my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and dear little sister: Thank you. You guys showered me with love that made me the happy and more confident girl that I am now. I love you like Pooh Bear loves honey. haha Cheesy, but true.

       June this year I started the most emotional, exciting, fun, and challenging school year of my life: Senior year. Yes, I am now a Senior. It's a fact I've tried to downplay because the implications that go with this word are things I could not bring myself to come to terms with. A phase marking changes, in every aspect of my life. I got to appreciate my childhood and my school and how much I learned from them. I could never see myself becoming the person I am now if not for my teachers and classmates. I guess the song "To Sir, With Love" summarizes everything I have to say to you guys.

       School year 2012-2013 brought about hectic days. And when I say hectic, I mean HECTIC. Activities were piling up one another and my weekends were booked. There were times when I just wanted to forget about them and become the lazy bum that I am, but I realized how big of an opportunity they are to learn and enjoy. To every single activity I had this school year, I regret nothing.

       Then, there were those times when I had my 20 seconds of unwavering courage. I wore my one shoulder prom dress (something I'm proud of because I'm a big-boned chubby girl who's too shy to wear sleeveless clothes in public). I went on a zipline (after convincing myself that nothing bad is gonna happen and it's a memorable, worth-it experience) and ended up having a blast.

       2012 brought one heck of a wave of change for me--from my relationships to my activities and routines. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. Change scares the heck out of me, but it sure made me a better person. Well, I'd like to think so.

       This year gave me new treasures to keep: friends, family, memories and experiences. And on top of that pile, I have my faith in God. All these changes and experiences in my life this year taught me to hold on to God and trust in Him. Whenever times got hard, I always said to myself that God is right by my side and He will be there to get me through this. When things seem cloudy and uncertain, I hold on to the thought that if He meant it for me, it will happen for me.

       2012 is my year--frustrations, joy and all. I've had my ups and I've had my downs. I gained some and I lost some.

       This 2013, I wish it to be better. I expect it to bring more changes and challenges, but I also expect it to be even more fun and exciting. I can't say anything for sure except this: I will start my 2013 with an open heart and mind and a lot of love and positivity.

       Happy New Year, everyone! :)

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

Simplicity Rant

     Call me a minimalist, but this is what I find swoon-worthy: The simple things turned magical with just a little spontaneity.

     The most trivial of things made special with just one striking sentence and sincerity is a beauty not many actually dream of. We often find ourselves dreaming of moments that take months or years to realize and we don't see how precious those that are unplanned and mellow are.

     You see, it's in the little things that we truly see and feel the raw and undeniable emotion one feels. Without the glitter and glamor, you can see the true beauty and essence of a moment.

     I don't exactly know what event or moment I'm referring to here, but all I know is this: I want to have one of those moments that you don't see coming. I don't mean a circus just magically appearing in your backyard, but rather those like your prince charming wanting you to be by his side for the rest of his life as you bake some cookies in the kitchen and your hair's a total mess. Those words that are uttered in a spur of a moment, regardless of how relevant or irrelevant it may be. That special connection magnifying into something undeniable right before your very eyes, overwhelming you and causing you to spit the words you've held back out of your mouth without hesitation.

     It's this kind of moments that catch us off-guard and makes us realize how true an emotion is. It's the sincerity we feel in such an unexpected and flawed minute that makes it magical and simply unforgettable. It's much more overwhelming, in my opinion, than all those events planned for weeks and months and perfected down to the last choreography. I think this is where we can fully understand that "Simplicity is beauty".

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

Moving at Light Speed

       I have a feeling that technology has affected our lives more than we thought. It's as though someone sat on the remote control Adam Sandler used on "Click" and everything has been fast forwarded. Not only are our gadgets working at a great speed, but even our lifestyles have evolved.

       Traditions are slowly losing their influence on people as they start to embrace new cultures and lifestyles and even make traditions of their own, no matter how eccentric it may all seem.

       One shining example is the relationships we have around us (Ok, so here I am again with the love and relationships thing). In the old movies, we see that men had to court women and sweep them off their feet. Women acted demure and shied away from men. That was how things worked then. Men waited patiently and bore all the women's whims just to get that sweet "yes" when they ask them to be theirs. 

       Nowadays, people are coupling up left and right. The traditional courtship and chivalry our grandfathers and maybe some of our fathers practiced are dying slowly but surely. Men woo the ladies with just a sweet text or a cheesy chat-up line on chat. Some even get into a relationship after meeting them online.

       Marriage seems like an ordinary and trivial thing now for people. We have welcomed the idea of divorce with such open arms that it seems likely for couples, especially in Hollywood, to just sign papers and declare to the world that they are back in the game again. Marriage, unfortunately, has been taken for granted.

       I'm not exactly putting down our fast-paced generation. It's just that I wanted to see the kind of courtship, traditions, and practices that we see in the old movies. You see, great things take time. We can't just rush things because it's more prone to backfiring and falling apart too soon. Time can never be compromised.

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

Love Bug Infestation

       Ok...So I just wanted to write. I'm not sure if you could call this a rant, or somewhere along those lines. I'll just leave you to be the judge of that. My mind's gonna go into overdrive if I don't get this out of my system now. Haha

       So, I've been seeing pictures of Haylor (Harry Styles and Taylor Swift) everywhere since they met up in New York. I don't exactly know all the details, except that they went strolling about New York with cutie Baby Lux (Disclaimer: I am not a Directioner. My sister updates me on all 1D news and I enjoy reading fanfics. Haha), I couldn't help but see a tinge of love on their eyes. I'm not saying that their dating or anything, and I'm not implying that their in love or whatnot. I'm just saying that there's just something about the pictures that struck something within me.

       Hm...I guess maybe that was the last straw. Just yesterday, I saw a little happening in our school. It was a couple's anniversary (Happy anniversary to the happy couple. Goodluck and God bless to both of you!) and I'm not sure who the "culprit" was but he/she got his friends to help him out. Little cakes with lighted candles and colored papers with cute and sweet quotes and lyrics written on them were held by friends as the couple approached the small crowd and giggled shyly and happily (of course!). 

       Ah, love! Love, love, love, love. Everywhere I look, there's love--romantic love. Young couples are walking around our school corridors, blissfully contented with each other's company, and rumors and/or news of people getting together are all over the internet. The world practically oozes with love lately. And here I am, sitting in front of the computer, conversing with you, my imaginary readers and audience. I admit it: I am jealous of all this love around me.

       Don't get me wrong, ok? I am very contented with my life and the joy my family and friends bring. I enjoy their company and am very grateful for them. But sometimes I couldn't help but wonder when will I get to experience that kind of love? When will it be my turn to dance the waltz with Prince Charming? When will I get to blush and say those three magic words?

       People can go on and on about love--I know I can. We, girls, grew up reading tales of happily ever afters and lucky princesses rescued from evil and loved dearly by their dashing princes. We watched the famous Disney princess films and fell in love with the fictional leading men, and dreamed of someday getting our own big-screen-worthy love stories. But then, speaking of and listening about it is much different from actually being Cinderella or those actresses in so-called "Chick Flicks" that we watch over and over again.

       I'm never really going to grasp the full and true meaning of that romantic love until I, myself, have it. Look, I'm not rushing into things here. I'm not itching to get a boyfriend and get all lovey-dovey and everything. I'm just curious and wondering how it will all turn out for me. Like, where and when will we meet? Will we have that spark and special connection in the first meeting? Will I hear the orchestra play in my head when he smiles at me? How long did we have to play all those cliche games before realizing that there's no point to it anymore since we've already fallen hard for one another? How many heartbreaks did I have to go through before I found him?

       I guess, at this point, only time will tell. The only way that I can answer my own questions is to wait. Wait for the right time and the right guy. Wait for the right moment and that chapter to open up. Wait for myself to be ready for all that. Till then, I'll have to settle for second-hand information and my own observation and inferences on it.:)

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

Is It Just Me?

       My mind's been wandering. Questions that may seen trivial and insignificant have been circling my head. Don't get me wrong though--they were enough to keep me wondering about the answers for quite a while. The simplest questions, ironically, are the hardest to answer.

       These are in no particular order, really.

Had I been placed in a different school than where I am now, would I still be the same person I am today?

How many times do I wave and say hello to people I know and meet everyday?

Where will I end up about ten years from now?

Why did I not ever consider to be a doctor and take up medicine?

What am I truly good at?

       I've tried asking my friends and classmates a few of these questions (the first one, especially) and they all have the same reaction: they'd look up at the ceiling and squint their eyes as though the answers written in fine print right above them. I couldn't help but chuckle because I would exactly have the same reaction they had if I were ambushed with such question.

        I guess I'll never really know all the answers to every question, but I surely know one thing and it's this: I will figure it all out soon. The other questions in my mind may seem silly and irrelevant, but it just got me curious. One day, I think I might just look back at this post and answer all these.

       Oh, wait... I guess you can add this to the list.

When will I ever stop procrastinating?

[randomthoughtsofarandommind]

Learning Along the Way

       As we grow up, we start facing reality one little fact at a time. From our toddler years, when it's all just ABC's and 123's, we gradually learn more about life--the five senses we use, the flowers we see around us, rhyming words and how to spell them.

       Lately, I can't help but feel a little nostalgic and look back fondly on the little things that make up my happy childhood. I honestly don't know exactly where it sprouted from. It's probably because I am graduating in a few months and moving on to face a more grown up phase of my life. So, here I am, thinking back on what I've learned over the years.

       I've always been a big fan of fairytales--just like every other little girl in this world. I've had my fair share of pretending to be one of those princesses, all dressed up in my make-believe gown (the blankets on my bed wrapped and tied around my body) and meeting that prince who'll dance the night away with me.

       Now that I'm a tad bit wiser and a whole lot older than that little kid with a plastic crown on her head, I realize that love isn't as simple as those we read in fairytales. Maybe then it was. But times have changed. I'm still a believer in those happy endings. It's just that now, I know that getting my own happily ever after won't be as simple as calling out for a fairy godmother's help or patiently waiting for somebody like Prince Phillip to come swooping in and kissing me awake from my slumber.

     Back when I was in the first or second grade, we were taught some prayers and how to pray them in our Christian Living class. Then, I was happy enough to memorize them and be able to recite them without making any mistake to my class and my teacher. My mom and I spent hours to make me remember those complicated and big words I never fully understood and recite them. Back then, it was all reciting.

       After waves of trials and gray clouds that have come my way, I've learned the true essence of prayer and how important it has become in my life. I've been through sleepless nights because of worrying about my grades and not knowing what to do, stuck at a crossroads. I've gone through hard days when every thing has just gone astray and I've started losing hope. I've lost friends along the way. Looking back through it all, I notice one thing. When I was going through each one, I took time to pause, close my eyes, make the sign of the cross and pray. What was then a formality or a chore to me became my source of strength in dealing with life.

       Little things were also picked up along the way: my love for writing and music, the truth that I should never take things for granted, how precious time is, and how no one could go through life believing that she could live it alone.

       All those little nuggets of wisdom and enlightening experiences sum up to this moment right here, right now. The challenges that brought these life lessons and realizations made me who I am: a wiser, happier, contented, imperfectly perfect girl who can say that she is still learning as she goes along.