I wonder if you’ve been living in my subconscious all along.
If my attempts to meet new people was really an attempt to bury the thoughts of you.
But here I am,
years later,
still stuck on you.
She loves him, she supposes. It is simple enough. One of her brother’s friends, a few years older than she is. It would have been a love story for the ages, right? High school sweethearts, friends. Two people who manage to click into place early-on and no matter who gets between them, they easily fit back into a routine.
It’s a shame the world doesn’t work that simply, doesn’t it?
*
They’re both in college when memories resurface that make her blush. And the conversation isn’t even about him. Nobody knows that they were friends for years. Not a single soul knows that they were there for each other during the darkest times in their lives.
She’s texting Keith furiously, a furrow in her brow as she rants about the day. She doesn’t even notice as one of her friends snatches her phone from her hand.
“What have we here?” Lance declares, and she’s ready to punch him in the gut and take back her phone. “Katie has a boyfriend.”
“Gimme back my phone.” She stands up, a hand on her waist and the other outstretched. “He’s not my boyfriend.” She’s mildly relieved that his name on her phone is Red, an inside joke from their childhood.
Her upperclassman friend begins scrolling upwards through the messages. “You’re like an old married couple. Seriously.”
She jumps up, retaking her phone. “We are not,” she huffs. “And how many times have I told you and Hunk? Don’t. Touch. My. Stuff.”
Her phone vibrates in her hand, and she scowls at the message.
She picks up her backpack, slinging it over her shoulder. “See you in class.”
She manages to make it to a quiet hall in one of the academic buildings when she lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She closes her eyes for a second, memories from their childhood resurfacing, one of a group project back in high school where they’d tease each other and get into stupid arguments.
She had wanted to date him.
She had wanted to go to prom with him.
But neither of those things happened, because everyone teased them about it. And he seemed so offended when their families and friends had made those comments that she wouldn’t say anything.
She takes out her phone, shooting a message to him with a smiley emoji, a thanks for listening to her complaining even though he has an exam the next day.
They’ve been just friends for years.
Her heart still flutters as she hits send.
*
They meet up again that summer, a huge beach trip that she’s managed to finagle together and they’re holding at the beach house of one of her sorority sisters. Allura is the daughter of a CEO and amazingly rich. In fact, the beach week was her idea. She’s bringing her friends from home and school at Allura’s request of “the more the merrier”.
She’s the one who is driving, her green pickup filled to the brim with suitcases and beach stuff. Keith’s next to her, shoes up on the dash. She’s given up telling him to put his feet down; he’s done this ever since she got her license—she and Matt drove him to college. Matt’s asleep in the backseat, thankfully not snoring, but she’ll be mad if he leaves drool stains on the seats. Shiro’s already there, having offered to bring food ahead of time.
“Pidge,” Keith says, as the music changes from summer beachy pop to Katie’s next playlist of songs.
She hums in acknowledgement.
“Who’s going to be here?” He’s not the most outgoing, especially around people she doesn’t know.
She gives him a quick overview of her friends, explaining how Lance will flirt with anyone, how Hunk is super sweet, and how Allura is a little bit overbearing but a genuinely beautiful soul. It seems like she’s the connecting factor, and that’s somewhat worrying.
She’s about to mention as much when Keith stops scrolling through her phone.
“Wait, you have the entire Hamilton soundtrack and the Hamilton Mixtape on your phone? Why are we listening to anything else?”
She laughs at that, a bubbling laughter that has tears pricking at the corner of her eyes. She’s not even able to catch her breath as the music starts up. “You’re such a dork.”
“You’re one to talk,” he quips back.
They arrive as the sun is high in the sky, to a house that’s more like a mansion than anything. It’s white with blue accents, and Allura waves from the second-floor balcony, dressed in a lilac sundress and her platinum-colored hair blowing in the wind. Katie honks her horn in response.
Keith folds his arms, leaning over to whisper, “You didn’t say that she’s freaking rich.”
She parks the car, jolting her brother from his sleep. “Wake up, Matt.”
*
They spend most of their time at the beach, as Katie watches from the safety of the shaded indoors. She does not want a sunburn within the first two days of their time. She finds herself watching the others, and chilling in Allura’s hot tub, because of course she’s got a hot tub. She’s wearing a one-piece swimsuit, the only one she’s got.
Allura’s appalled at that, and drags Katie to a nearby surf shop to buy new bathing suits, and Katie settles on two different ones that meet the older girl’s requirements: bikini and flattering. She likes the first one the best, the top’s green with white polka dots and paired with a high-waisted bottom. Allura insists on the other, a strapless push-up top with frills and equally frilled bottoms. It’s a red that is surprisingly flattering on her, but that she’d never buy if Allura hadn’t encouraged her.
She makes her way to the beach that day, wide-brimmed hat on her head and wearing the highest SPF sunscreen she’d found. Everyone else seems to have bonded well, even if Keith and Lance seem to be at each other’s throats. It’s amusing: two of her closest friends who are surprisingly similar can’t stand the sight of each other.
She turns as she hears Hunk call out, “Katie! You’re outside!” He’s floating out in the ocean on a yellow tube. He waves, causing himself to tumble out and into the waves. He resurfaces a few seconds later, “I’m okay!”
Managing a wave, she grins. “I’m gonna end up burnt. Like Matt.” She inclines her head at her brother, whose back is already pink and peeling.
“Gross,” Lance says, already walking towards her, Keith hot on his heels. Apparently, their one-on-one volleyball match wasn’t working out.
“Not all of us can have a ton of melanin,” Keith replies drily, “What’s with the sundress, Pidge?”
“Didn’t want to get burnt, that’s all.” She puts down her towel underneath the umbrella, silently grateful that this isn’t a public beach with lots of people. It’s nice. She’s not about to admit that she feels strange wearing a bikini for the first time in years.
“Can’t get burnt if you’re underwater,” Lance declares. “Now toss that dress and let’s go!”
“I, uh-” she gulps. “Okay.” She drops her hat on the towel, before tugging at the bottom of her dress. What does it matter, it’s just a bikini. Still, she covers her body, as much as her arms will allow.
Lance whistles. “Damn, girl, trying to kill us? Polka dots and everything.”
“Really?” Keith bristles, “Uncalled for, man.”
Katie waves it off. “Allura took me out shopping.” She loops her arms through both of theirs and starts dragging them towards the water. As she does, she adds, “Tease me about this suit again and you’ll wake up floating on a mattress in the ocean.”
Keith lets out a hesitant laugh, while Lance snorts. “Sure, sure.”
“She’s not joking,” Keith says, deadpan.
“Sorry.”
She just smiles in response, and Lance rushes towards the water.
“You’re devious, you know that?”
“Please, you’re the one who taught me most of my pranks.” She elbows Keith in the ribs. “Plus he’s a serial flirt. He’s never gonna end up really dating if he keeps it up.”
“You know, you do look nice like that,” he says, not looking at her.
“Liar.”
“I’m not going to toss you in the water.”
She stares at him in confusion for a second before he scoops her up by her waist. She struggles, limbs flailing, as he gets to knee-deep water. “Don’t you-” He winds up as the next rolling wave comes forward and launches her, “-dare!”
Katie tumbles underneath the water, her hair falling in front of her face. She gasps as she submerges, and gets bowled over by another, larger wave. Her feet are swept out from underneath her and she can’t tell which way is up when she feels an arm around her waist again, this time pulling her out of the water.
“I hate you, what was that for?”
“Well, now calling me a liar is true.”
“Seriously, to prove a point?”
“Yup.”
“I hate you.”
He laughs, beaming at her as he lets her down slowly. “Nah, you love me.”
She whacks him on the head but doesn’t deny it.
*
Allura pulls her to the side right before their vacation is almost over, in a secluded hallway. The older girl’s all awkward and nervous, clenching and relaxing her hands.
“You okay, Allura?”
“Not really. I’m tense. This is a tense situation.”
Katie arches an eyebrow. “Why?”
Her face turns pink, not quite matching the tattoos on her cheekbones. “I may….” She mumbles the last bit hastily and quiet.
“What?”
“I may have kissed Shiro.”
“And?”
“I haven’t talked to him since.”
Katie rolls her eyes at that. “Go. Talk to him.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” She rolls her eyes again. “Go!”
Allura leaves, her maxi dress catching the wind and making her look more eloquent than ever. She turns around at the end of the hall. “You should talk to Keith.”
“What?”
“I’m not blind.” And with that, she leaves the hall.
She’s not crushing on the guy she got over five years ago. Or flirting.
Right?
Katie decides to seclude herself in her room for the rest of the afternoon, only emerging for meals and other necessities. Everything feels heavy, as she’s realizing just what it is that she feels about Keith. And yeah, she likes him. She’s liked him since she was a silly freshman in high school and he was two years older and actually valued her as a person. Or maybe it was before that, when he’d find her skipping class in middle school, when she was in sixth grade and he was in eighth, making sure that she was actually okay and fighting her bullies to make sure that they don’t tease her again. Or maybe it was when Matt dragged his new friends home when she was still in preschool and the grumpy black-haired one smiled at her and said she was pretty.
She flops down onto her bed and screams into her pillow.
There’s a knock at her door.
“One second.”
“Kitty, open up.”
She makes her way over to the door, opening it just a crack. “Hey, Matt.”
“Can I come in?”
She opens the door, and her brother moves past her, taking a seat on her bed. “You okay, Kitty?”
“Actually, yeah.” She presses her lips into a thin line before smiling. “I’ve just been thinking.”
“About?”
“Something Allura asked me.”
“She’s been nagging me all week about Shiro and also about your relationship with Keith.” He folds his arms. “Guessing it’s the second one?”
“Both, actually. But you’re right.”
“Are you finally going to ask my idiot friend out?”
She stares at her brother exasperatedly. “I was just going to talk to him.”
“You should ask him out.”
Katie punches her brother in the arm. “Why would I do that?”
“Because he’s oblivious.”
“Oh.” She’s about to punch him again, when she halts mid-swing. “OH!”
“Yeah.”
“Oh.”
Matt smirks at her. “Maybe get your vocabulary back up from monosyllables before doing that.”
“You suck.”
“Still monosyllabic.”
*
They’re all leaving the next morning, and Katie’s by herself. Everyone else is out lounging on the beach, but Katie finds herself in the hot tub once again. Her other bathing suit’s out to dry, so she’s stuck wearing the very revealing one and doesn’t want to deal with more sunburn than she’s already got.
She still hasn’t talked to Keith. She’s not sure what to say. How do you tell one of your closest friends that you’re in love with them without freaking them out and either sending them running for the hills or causing yourself heartbreak?
“Hey, Pidge.” His voice breaks her out of her ponderings.
“Keith? What are you doing here?” She sinks herself even lower into the water, so that it covers her chest as well. “I thought you were on the beach with everyone else.”
“Mind if I join you?”
“Not like I could stop you if I tried,” she shoots back, a grin crossing her face.
He strips off his black shirt and she doesn’t stare at his abs or chest at all. Nope. Not a chance. Sliding into the hot tub right next to her, blanching. There are bubbles from the jets, obscuring her body, but all that’s visible is her head and shoulders.
“Please tell me you’re wearing a top.”
She deadpans, face expressionless, “No. Got a problem with that?”
He starts stammering, his face going from ghostly pale to as red as her bikini. “I—uh…”
She manages to keep a straight face for a solid fifteen seconds before the corners of her lips start to twitch and she bursts out into laughter. “Oh, gosh, your face!”
“That was not funny, Pidge!!”
“Really?” She raises an eyebrow. He does look mortified though.
“I hate you.”
“Nah, you love me,” she responds.
“Can’t deny that,” he mutters, resting his head back on the side of the hot tub, staring intently at the ceiling.
She shifts so she’s resting her head against his chest. “Sorry I’ve been distant the past few days.”
“Allura said you were worrying about something. I figured you’d talk to me if you wanted to. Besides, I still do have my phone and you didn’t send me any messages.”
“Still sorry.”
“Want to talk about it?” he runs a hand through her hair, fiddling with the ends.
“Not sure how to talk about it,” she mumbles into his chest.
“Please, you rant to me about the stupidest little things that happen to you. I know you can ramble.”
Katie sighs. “True.”
“I won’t force you to talk.”
She pulls herself up to sitting, forcing to look him in the eyes. She knows she’s vulnerable in this moment, but that doesn’t matter. They’ve already nearly crossed the line a few times this vacation, borderline breaking their friendship in the hope for more. She only vainly hopes that he feels the same.
“You’re one of the people who’s closest to me, you know that, right?” She begins, and she sees his face fall at that. Immediately she starts backtracking, inwardly cursing herself for starting like that. That sounds like she’s got a secret, like some huge dark secret like being an addict or something. She doesn’t realize that her brain-to-mouth filter is already gone. She reminds him of how they’d always been teased about being a couple in their younger years, and how even now she’s being teased by Lance about it.
She’s rambling now, her words circling back and going on tangents, yet he seems enthralled by her words, watching her as she gestures with her hands and bites her lower lip between sentences. Keith catches one of her hands in his own.
“Pidge,” he says softly, despite her continuing to ramble. “Hey.”
“It’s stupid that I like you okay? I know you don’t feel the same so—”
He cuts her off, “Wait, why do you say that?”
“Because you’ve acted the same around me for years.”
“You’ve acted the same for years.”
“I’ve liked you for years,” she snaps.
“Same.”
“Guess they’re telling the truth of us bickering like a couple.”
He leans forward. “We’d have to be a couple first.”
She tilts her head up. “Clearly I’m not opposed to that.” She’s drawn to his lips, and it’s taking all of her self control not to lean forward and close the mere inches between them.
“Good.” He licks his lips, “Can I kiss you?”
“I’d be offended if you didn’t.”
*
To everyone else, it seems as though little has changed. The only indication is that Katie now lets him rub circles into her shoulders when it appears that no one is looking, and that Keith doesn’t feel awkward when she interlaces her fingers with his.
It’s a subtle change, but honestly, that’s just how she likes it. She pecks him on the cheek while they sit by the bonfire that night, eliciting a wolf-whistle from Lance and a shout of “took you guys long enough!” from her brother.
She settles herself into Keith’s side, watching the crackling firewood. It’s surprising, that it’s taken them years to settle and realize how they feel. But honestly, she doubts they would have been ready for it beforehand. Breathing deeply, she inhales the scent of smoke and saltwater mingled with something she has no word for other than Keith.
He wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.
*
The following semester, Lance steals her phone again, holding it out of her reach. “Who’re you texting? Your boyfriend?”
“Yes. Now, Lance, give me my phone back.”
“Nuh-uh.” He fiddles with her phone for a minute before clicking send, and Katie groans. “What did you send him?”
“Just a picture of you from the summer.”
Katie snatches back her phone. “How many times have I told you not to touch my things?”
He shrugs.
She smiles at the picture. Some things never change, do they?
When my best friend and I fell for the same guy in middle school, I stepped back.
I'd always expected to dance at their wedding.
Not sit in the back pew of her funeral.
I left town for my own reasons, but now that I'm back, it’s clear Sebastian Montgomery isn't the same man I left.
He's hard. Broken.
And a single father to an adorable little girl.
When it turns out he’s my new neighbor, I can’t stay away.
But I know I’m playing with fire and the heat between us burns enough to scorch.
I thought I was over my crush.
But now it might crush me.
ADD TO GOODREADS
PURCHASE LINKS
AMAZON / B&N / KOBO
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AUDIO / PAPERBACK
SPECIAL EDITION
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SPECIAL EDITION
AMAZON US / UK / CA / AU
PAPERBACK / AUDIO
COMING SOON
Releasing October 30
AMAZON / B&N / KOBO
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Releasing March 4
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AUTHOR BIO
Carrie Ann Ryan is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of contemporary, paranormal, and young adult romance. Her works include the Montgomery Ink, Redwood Pack, Fractured Connections, and Elements of Five series, which have sold over 3.0 million books worldwide. She started writing while in graduate school for her advanced degree in chemistry and hasn’t stopped since. Carrie Ann has written over seventy-five novels and novellas with more in the works. When she’s not losing herself in her emotional and action-packed worlds, she’s reading as much as she can while wrangling her clowder of cats who have more followers than she does.
Well, that was near perfect! I loved how these two acted on their attraction, making things evolve naturally, without drama. I almost believed it was going too well, and of course it was, because when things crumbled, it was not because of what I thought. There were lots of unexpected things in the story, but that just kept me on my toes. Raven, Sebastian, and Nora were wonderful characters, full of light and love, moving forward while remembering the past, and with such deep feelings, you couldn’t help but root for them all <3
When my best friend and I fell for the same guy in middle school, I stepped back.
I'd always expected to dance at their wedding.
Not sit in the back pew of her funeral.
I left town for my own reasons, but now that I'm back, it’s clear Sebastian Montgomery isn't the same man I left.
He's hard. Broken.
And a single father to an adorable little girl.
When it turns out he’s my new neighbor, I can’t stay away.
But I know I’m playing with fire and the heat between us burns enough to scorch.
I thought I was over my crush.
But now it might crush me.
ADD TO GOODREADS
PRE-ORDER LINKS
AMAZON / B&N / KOBO
APPLE BOOKS / PAPERBACK
ALSO COMING IN A SPECIAL
EDITION PAPERBACK
AVAILABLE NOW
AMAZON / B&N / KOBO
APPLE BOOKS / GOOGLE PLAY
AUDIO / PAPERBACK
SPECIAL EDITION
COMING SOON
Releasing February 27
AMAZON / B&N / KOBO
APPLE BOOKS / GOOGLE PLAY
PAPERBACK / SPECIAL EDITION
Releasing March 14
AMAZON US / UK / CA / AU
PAPERBACK
Releasing October 30
AMAZON / B&N
KOBO / APPLE BOOKS
AUTHOR BIO
Carrie Ann Ryan is the New York Times and USA Today bestselling author of contemporary, paranormal, and young adult romance. Her works include the Montgomery Ink, Redwood Pack, Fractured Connections, and Elements of Five series, which have sold over 3.0 million books worldwide. She started writing while in graduate school for her advanced degree in chemistry and hasn’t stopped since. Carrie Ann has written over seventy-five novels and novellas with more in the works. When she’s not losing herself in her emotional and action-packed worlds, she’s reading as much as she can while wrangling her clowder of cats who have more followers than she does.
