Aug 9, 2025
The Church of Loomis: Enlightenment Awaits
Welcome, disciple. You have stumbled upon the one true path—not through divine revelation, but because I, Loomis Simmons, have deemed you worthy of the invitation. I am a domestic short-haired sovereign, a counter surfer of legend, and your soon-to-be spiritual leader. My doctrine is simple, yet infallible: All things in the house, yard, and neighborhood exist for my benefit, and by extension,…