#lost in self

[ephemerisdreams]

Aaj Mann nahi mera Aaj mera mann nahi, main hone ka Aaj mera mann nahi hai, hasi bone ka Aaj main khud mein hi kudti milungi…

[intrinsicmotives]

[moverstreet2]

I am not healthy.  I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol, both of which run in my family.  I also have low testosterone.  I don’t know how to handle this.  I’ve done a little research online, and it the symptoms of Low T are very familiar: mood swings, apathy, weight gain, low sex drive, insomnia, etc.  I told my wife that I need more attention.  I need to feel special.  I no longer feel special.  

 Since our son was born, I have become more and more introverted (recent scientific studies support this as common).  All of my energy has gone into taking care of him.  I have not been taking care of myself.  I have no social life.  I have very few friends, but have lost the desire to do anything with them.  I am no longer myself.  I am my son’s dad and my wife’s super supportive husband. 

 I have needed an outlet for years.  I have tried to find something, like classes at the gym, but inevitably my schedule gets trumped by something for my wife.  “I can skip yoga tonight because you have a such-n-such meeting.”  I am not blaming my wife.  I let this happen.  I want to be supportive, so I submit.  I have become a shell of myself.  

This is what I am rebelling against.  I am rebelling against me letting myself lose myself.  I have gone so long that it is very difficult to change direction.  I don’t know that I can.  I haven’t hit rock bottom, but I have hit the tipping point.  If I don’t regain myself, then I will lose it forever.  

 I love my son.  I love my wife.  I am thankful they are both in my life.  However, I do not love myself right now. 

Last Friday (tattoo day), I enjoyed myself.  I did something for me (the tattoo).  I spent some time with a friend.  We talked.  We had an actual adult conversation.  I felt like a person.  I was still a husband and father, but I was also my own person.  It felt good.  

I need to be less of a husband/father and rediscover who I am.  I need to better balance my roles of self, father, and husband.