I am not healthy. I have high blood pressure and high cholesterol, both of which run in my family. I also have low testosterone. I don’t know how to handle this. I’ve done a little research online, and it the symptoms of Low T are very familiar: mood swings, apathy, weight gain, low sex drive, insomnia, etc. I told my wife that I need more attention. I need to feel special. I no longer feel special.
Since our son was born, I have become more and more introverted (recent scientific studies support this as common). All of my energy has gone into taking care of him. I have not been taking care of myself. I have no social life. I have very few friends, but have lost the desire to do anything with them. I am no longer myself. I am my son’s dad and my wife’s super supportive husband.
I have needed an outlet for years. I have tried to find something, like classes at the gym, but inevitably my schedule gets trumped by something for my wife. “I can skip yoga tonight because you have a such-n-such meeting.” I am not blaming my wife. I let this happen. I want to be supportive, so I submit. I have become a shell of myself.
This is what I am rebelling against. I am rebelling against me letting myself lose myself. I have gone so long that it is very difficult to change direction. I don’t know that I can. I haven’t hit rock bottom, but I have hit the tipping point. If I don’t regain myself, then I will lose it forever.
I love my son. I love my wife. I am thankful they are both in my life. However, I do not love myself right now.
Last Friday (tattoo day), I enjoyed myself. I did something for me (the tattoo). I spent some time with a friend. We talked. We had an actual adult conversation. I felt like a person. I was still a husband and father, but I was also my own person. It felt good.
I need to be less of a husband/father and rediscover who I am. I need to better balance my roles of self, father, and husband.
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