Jul 19, 2017
“Taking these bullet wounds from everybody else…[but] I expected better from you. And it cut so much deeper from you…”
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“Taking these bullet wounds from everybody else…[but] I expected better from you. And it cut so much deeper from you…”
I don’t get it, I don’t get how some people can say that I’m their best friend and that they love me but then make me feel like their last choice. I don’t get how they make me feel like I need to make a reservation to hang out with them alone. I don’t get why I keep chasing after those friends and I don’t get why people can get so close to me then just drop me instantly. I don’t get why they won’t even give me the time of day or why they won’t tell me what I did wrong. I don’t get how someone can change their hearts and minds about me so quickly, but most of all I don’t get why I cant get over them or the pain they left me with when they seemed to get over me so quickly.
Bookofmythoughtsandfeelings
The Sunsets We Never Said Goodbye To
The sun slowly sets over the horizon, painting the sky with shades of orange and pink, as the darkness of the night begins to take over the world around. In the heart of the São Paulo countryside, this scene has witnessed so many lived moments, but today it feels sadder, more solitary, and therefore, strangely more colorful. There is a characteristic melancholy in the way the last lights bid farewell to the day, as if even the sun itself were longing for something that will never return.
It is on nights like this that memories come, silent but overwhelming. They arrive like a wave, invading the already tired mind, filling the silence with echoes of a childhood that now seems so distant, while at the same time, it's right there. Like in that song that says: "The memories always come to me on such empty nights, and they mess so much with my head." There’s no way to avoid them, no way to escape this avalanche of memories that become more vivid as the sleepless night progresses.
Back then, the afternoons seemed endless. The open sky, the gentle breeze, and the laughter echoing from one or another friend, who thought we were inseparable. There was something magically eternal about the games we played under the setting sun, games we played without realizing that time had other plans. Each sunset was a farewell to another day full of adventures and laughter, but it was also a promise that tomorrow would bring everything back, until one day it was the last, and we didn't even realize it.
Now? Where are those friends? Where did the conversations shared under the trees or on the street in front of our houses go? Lives took different paths, and time, relentless, kept us apart. At the same time, we have the comforting sense that nothing was left to live. And when sleep finally comes, the day has already begun, and life goes on its course, while the heart still carries the weight of an ocean of longing.
Sometimes I wonder if they remember too. If they, too, on empty nights, feel the same pang of nostalgia, the same feeling that time would never touch us.
But time passed, and with it, the landscapes changed, just like us. Not even the sunset is the same, now that it ends in the sea and no longer in a lush pasture with an equally vast horizon. And so, longing settles in, like the last ray of sun bidding farewell.
And that’s the thing… I don’t hate you
I sit here and think about all the conversations had, and the constant chatter of we’ve gotta do this or we’ve gotta do that. We need to work on this just like any type of relationship that comes into your life and it’s never made a difference. Empty words and actions from both parties. And that’s okay. Sometimes we’ve got to let things go so we can grow and become more of ourselves without having the fallback of others. I’ve made peace with that, was it easy hell no, but needed. I’ll never hate those who’ve come into my for long periods of times or even the ones who’ve made huge impacts within a short period of time. Mourning friendships isn’t anything new, and it’s not something that you get used to, it’s sticks with; like a paper cut. You know the ones you get but don’t know you have until you wash your hands or use hand sanitizer and that stinging feeling sets in. Rambling get to the point… basically it’s like you sort of know it’s there but don’t constantly feel it unless a memory pops up or a song you used to sing all the time plays, you know like something triggers it. A short ramble after years🤷🏻♀️
If I lose my friends, that's alright, if I lose the past relationships, that's alright too, and anyways we were meant to be alone anyways. Isn't it ? I don't know, it will definately hurt at one point to miss my best friend who was my best friend from the 5th grade, but what's even more terrible is the fact that she might not miss me as much as I am going to miss her. May she gets the best of what she desiers, and let me have my own piece of peace.
Evening Emotions
On quite evenings when my thoughts are the loudest, is when I think of you most. But who are you? Where are you? Why did you leave? The capsule that once held you is gone, but I constantly hear you. Starry nights when the wind whispers is when I hear you the clearest. The constant giggle of joy and laughter. The warmth you gave wherever you were, the reassurance that I wasn’t alone. The motivating pep talks when I was over it and didn’t want to continue. I think of the places we once stood together and have to automatically smile, those careless nights that often times led to riveting conversations. When high fives ended in long hugs, that would melt away any stressful feeling or thought I had in the moment. Scrapped knees, bruised elbows, running wild through the concrete jungle. Comfortable silence. When the moon is full and the breeze bashfully paints my nose red that’s when I miss you the most.
All I know off the top of my head is Paige was apparently my BFF and William was my very first boyfriend (according to my mom). #lostfriendship #lostfriendships #montgomeryalabama #missingconnection #idkwhattagstouse #childhoodfriends #alabama #montgomeryal #navybrat https://www.instagram.com/p/CEvi8ZjjT5Q/?igshid=1hlax88gpozdr
03-15-2020
Its been a wild week... Lots of ups and downs... And it sucks because the one person i want to talk to about my crazy week... is off in a hole somewhere.... Drowning herself....
It hurts that i can't help her. It's physically painful to know there is absolutely nothing i can do or say that will make her stop, because i cant MAKE her do anything.... She is an adult capable of her own choices and decisions, even if they are ones that i don't agree with...
I love her so much, i hate what this drug has done to her... It's completely changed her as a person and it's finally becoming apparent... I didn't see it until now but my eyes feel wide open... The clouds are gone and im falling, but it's peaceful.... I can still scream inside for now.... But i know eventually there will be some kind of impact ....
How broken and bloody will that leave me then?
Signing off...
lostpuppy726