Play my life backwards and everything will get better.
So, life is frankly a bit shit right now. Let us count the ways:
1 - I lost my job
I’d been fighting to keep it for years, as my hypothyroidism and consequentially my mental health have been proving difficult to manage, making for poor performance at work, and being less able to deal with the stress of being performance-managed. This led to me being off for eight months and dropping a grade in an attempt to reduce the stress and avoid being performance-managed. At least I managed to avoid the latter. Unbeknownst to me, my thyroid levels were low again. Trying to balance the effects of the admin review reshuffle that took place, the stress I was having with my ‘main’ partner, M, and getting my head round our poly stuff (specifically the lack of support/reassurance that I felt I needed at the time around his new relationship). M wasn’t particularly supportive, being caught up in the trauma of it all, and he ended up getting counselling through his work. I didn’t have access to any, myself, and coping with the aftermath led to more absences. I ended up hitting the trigger to take me to a stage 3 sickness meeting, which my other partner, R, attended - he’s got ten-plus years of trade union rep experience, so he was invaluable in that respect. Dismissal was the expected result, but I fought a good fight.
2 - Yay, benefits
Unsurprisingly, I’m not in a physical or mental state to start looking for work again, leading me to throw myself on the mercy of the DWP, something that terrifies me. This means quite a drop in income so....
3 - I’m losing my home
The drop in income means I can’t afford to keep living in the house I share with Cait, so we’re having to move on and go our separate ways, I’m currently planning on moving into a small room in a shared house....so small it’s only got a single bed. This feels emotionally significant. I’m going to have to get rid of/store a whole bunch of my stuff. It’s time for a whittling. We have to be out of the house and have it to an acceptable state by 5th December. Of course, I’m hardly going to be in the bloody house anyway, due to the fact that I’ve spent two weeks away in various parts of the country doing casualty simulation, LARP, etc. And of course there’s two weeks in New Orleans. Which brings me to....
4 - My girlfriend dumped me
Kinda. I’ve had a long-time ‘thing’ with a friend of mine. We shared the perfect kiss on the steps of an abandoned catholic church across the road from the hostel when I was in NOLA last year. This visit was to be ‘our time’. But it turns out that her fiancée isn’t as on board with this as S had made out, and issued an ultimatum. Of course, I had to be the loser in that. But now it means that a large part of my reason for visiting (the other being the Of Montreal gig on 11/11) is no longer happening. Of course, I can keep myself busy for two weeks ;in NOLA, but damn. What a kicker.
5 - This holiday business is stressful
This holiday has been a huge source of friction between me and M. I can’t really afford to go, I have never been able to afford it, but M (after previously saying that he couldn’t afford America this year due to my suicide attempt having traumatised him to the point of needing to be on lighter duties for a bit, hence no overtime - which normally pays for the holidays) decided that he’s going to put it all on his credit card. I worked my ass off doing three jobs for a bit, to try and repay him. Then I injured my arm and lost some of the planned extra income that would have been spending money. Then the washing machine broke and needed expensive repairs. Then I lost my job. I can’t afford to pay for very much at all towards my holiday. This wouldn’t be so bad if things between me and M were better. I feel really ungrateful complaining about a holiday that he’s put so much money and effort into, but the timing takes two weeks out of preparing for the move, and it’s an extra source of stress at a time when I’m really stressed anyway, and now I have two weeks in NOLA more or less on my own. I’m scared shitless. Also sort of resentful because I don’t need the stress and I had just resigned myself to not going and then stressing over going, having money, and all the rest of it.
6 - M and I are not doing well at all.
Between him being depressed and anxious, me being depressed, anxious, stressed and hypothyroid, poly stuff (on both sides), being busy, my suicide attempt, his resultant trauma and anger, me losing job/home etc, and this whole business with America, we have suffered. I’ve been finding it increasingly stressful to be around him, and often fail at being nice and reasonable. Despite having identified various flashpoint/trigger times and doing my best to implement boundaries to minimise the likelihood of me losing my cool and getting raw and nasty at him, he frequently ignores those boundaries and fails to consider whether I might be lacking in spoons before either asking me a bunch of questions I’m ill-equipped to answer, laying down heavy shit, or turning up when I need space. He complains that I push him away, but refuses to leave me alone at times when I’m just not able to deal with him, and gets arsey at me when he doesn’t get the most civil or reasonable response. He says I drop stuff on him whenever I like, but hasn’t told me when bad times are for him, so I can’t avoid them. I try to be nice but he keeps winding me up at times when I just can’t help but snap. Sex hasn’t been a goer for ages, the last time we tried was not long after I’d hurt my arm, and he spoilt the mood entirely and then got shitty with me about it. I’m so damned ill and so stressed and he’s just putting way too much pressure on me to be making an effort to restore our relationship to health one moment, and then telling me to sleep on the sofa the next. Admittedly, I must be a pain in the arse to be in a relationship with at the moment, but all I need from him right now is some uncomplicated company and friendship, and to let me sort my shit out to the point where I can tell him what it is that I need from him. I’ve been trying and trying for months now to try and get things back to a point where we can just have fun together, but right now it just ain’t happening, we’re both incapable. I can’t see myself getting to a sane and less stressed place until at least after the move is done, Ultimately I love him, but our relationship is pretty fucked right now. I’m fucked right now. And not really in a good way. There’s nothing I’d like more than to spend an evening with him, with some nice food, cuddle up to watch a movie or something, and then head up to the bedroom for a nice long, kinky sex session, the kind we used to have before all this shit got in the way, where I would feel beautiful and alive and totally connected to him. But every effort towards such a thing has failed in a chaos of bitter argument. How we can both leave all this behind, and start working towards being even friends again, is a question I cannot answer. Perhaps too much shit has done for us. Perhaps not.
THE POSITIVES
I still have a goodly number of supportive friends and one partner who is slightly more empathetic and who simultaneously drives me crazy and keeps me sane.
M is trying to be supportive at least, and hasn’t actually dumped me.
Casualty simulation, aka bleeding and screaming
LARP
My new housemate seems nice, and the new room is cheaper
My ESA has been approved
I still have a whole bunch of medical appointments to go through to sort out the health thing. Plus ESA means I can go to the dentist for free.
I have an opportunity to reshape my life and decide what I actually want to do, and learn some new skills, visit family/friends that I’ve neglected, and so on.
It’s another new beginning, I suppose. It’s a pain in the arse, and so much to do. So much to process. I feel like a worthless shit of a human being, to be honest. Mired in tat and self-pity and guilt and rage. Trying to hold on, while feeling like my grip on survival is growing ever more tenuous. Trying to think to myself that I’ve got through worse, while thinking that I really don’t actually want to survive it, that I want to just lay down and die, and all the rest of it. Trying to remind myself that it’s just depression and stress talking. That in a couple of months, it’ll be 2016, the dust will have settled from the move, and I can start to breathe again.
