my Love and their Loss
I wanted to get something off my chest while I am working on my “long love list”. Over the past few years I have lived through a few different experiences that I thought I would never have. I have been cheated on, abused, and abandoned. I have been lied to, yelled at, and I have done plenty of crying. I have tried to find love in many different places. They have all been reckless but I have learned to learn from them either.
If it wasn’t for my ex husband, I wouldn’t have believed that evil can lie dormant inside people. That someone can say they love you and hurt you in the same words. That telling someone you love them and showing them are two different things. That words can sometimes hurt more than hands, but hurting hands is the way you DO NOT take in any relationship. He threw his wedding band into our front yard once. He told me if I wanted to be with him I should go get it -- and I did.
If it wasn’t for my daughter’s biological father, I would’ve never believed people could so easily abandon their own dreams. He and I talked about having children together and seeing the world. He was the only lover in my life to bring me flowers, call me just to ask how my day was. He was the only man I’ve ever felt comfortable enough to trust with distance in our relationship. We talked about children and traveling for a year before I found out he was cheating on me with a married woman. I found out I was pregnant within the same week. MY daughter is 3 years old and has never met her father and most likely never will. I am 100% for this decision, he does not deserve to know how wonderful she is.
If it wasn’t for my ex lover when my daughter came into the world, I wouldn’t have believed that people will lie to the face of someone they have loved. While believing I had found the father figure my daughter deserved, he was recording his numerous unfaithful actions and sharing them with other women. So he was cheating on top of cheating and I was a fool. We shared a home together. My daughter had a room upstairs. I am terrified to think of any of the times that I was not home with him but she was. How many times did he ignore my child because he was hiding another woman?
I have a much longer list that I am writing out - pending edits and correction - but these are the biggest heartbreaks in my long life of 28 years. I have recently been trying to rediscover the joys of being in love, and haven’t really had much luck. I have some wishful prospects, but at this point, I am starting to believe that love isn’t even real. We make it up when we feel lonely, and use people for the satisfaction we crave and then we are done. I just wanted someone to show me that all the love I used to believe in, still exists.
