I’ve tried out spending my day in solitude too but that didn’t work out. It wasn’t supposed to work out either. It was just supposed to give me time to think and that it did. My mind is much clearer than it was before. I thought that it’d take me a couple of days to process the state I was in but it did not take as much time as I thought it would. I know how important you are to me and time with myself just reaffirmed it once again. I cannot isolate myself from the people I love forever. I totally get wanting to just disappear from the world and stopping the things we feel, at least all the negative thoughts and numbness and exhaustion. I’ve been thinking about the concept of oblivion and just vanishing in such a way that each person who knew me would forget that I ever existed in their life and then lived in an alternate reality that then came into being.
The thing is, if it would have been someone else it wouldn’t have been so hard for me to think about alternatives or any other scenario. I just want you to know that no matter whatever happens I cannot ever afford to lose you. You know how my life’s been at one point of time and how I’ve lost people. I know that I’ll lose people as I progress further in life. The only difference between now and then is that earlier I did not know the people who I needed in my life and I couldn’t process how it would be affecting my life when people started to push me away and eventually just cut me out of my life. And now, I know the people that I can live without and the ones that I cannot. Yours is the first name that pops in my head when I think about the people I cannot ever lose.
The thing is, I’m sort of in a state where my actions are for the moment, being dictated by my fear of losing you or even just putting distance between us. The thought of a close one such as you leaving me is haunting to the extent where I freeze like a dear in front of headlights. Even though I want to talk to you, sometimes I just can’t seem to bring the words out of my mouth. I’m not going to spend my time in isolation anymore. Please bear with me and text me once you read this if you read this before I meet you tomorrow. I just don’t know how to begin a conversation at the moment. It’s like when I’m beginning to write something. I can’t understand how to start, but once I do, I’m far steadier (throwback to the English assignment).
I’ll just end by saying that you are too important for me to lose and that’s the reason why I took it as hard as I did. You’re adorable, cute, your voice always puts me at ease and is more soothing than anything else I could find here, your existence means a lot to me, you’re part of my “Core” and I cannot do without you. I love you and hope I don’t ever behave the way I was for the past couple of days.
P.S.- Text me if you feel like it after you read this?
P.S.S.- You know when you say ‘mujhe ghar jaana hai’? That’s totally me too. Even when I was back home for the holidays I said it a lot to my sister. I’d be saying it a lot right now too. But the fact is, you’re home for me. So, thank you for being in my life.
