/Rant (bear with me, a lot of shit happens in 2-3 years)
So... how do you get over someone that was such a vital part of your character development? That made you change for the better and made you feel so, so validated?
It straight up feels impossible, y'know?
In my freshman year, I met this girl in my Japanese class and she was... something. Someone who could match my brain and keep up with me, someone to rely on, someone that was so emotionally mature and that I could... trust.
She gave me a place of belonging after my old friend group forced me to leave, shared her friends with me, and pushed me to do things middle school me would never do. She had a lot of belief and support in me that no one besides my parents have. I felt like I could be open and she never judge for any of my quirks, like repeating myself or forgetfulness or fidgeting.
Sooner or later, I did develop a crush on this girl. She was safe and that's all I ever wanted in a partner, but... I always knew we were better as friends. I was never going to act on my feelings, because I knew this was someone I was a longstanding friendship with. So, those feelings did get pushed to the side and I focused more on myself and doing things with her as friends for that connection.
As she graduated early in our junior year, I've been spending my senior year mostly on my own, and while the loneliness does hit, she was always willing to talk.
This brings me to the shift
Right before Christmas, I saw that she's back in town for break from college (she live on the other side of the USA country) and asked if she wanted to meet up (I never said goodbye properly and wanted to for, y'know, closure)... But then, instead of answering, she tell me this:
"Before we meet up, I want to talk to you about something." BEEP, red flag! Okay, something's happening, but what?
She then proceeds to tell me that she KNEW I HAD FEELINGS FOR HER, OVER TEXT!
She told me that she didn't know exactly where I developed them but she kept reading into my every move and that I made her uncomfortable at times, to the point she even thought of pulling an asshole move and blocking me, full no contact, once she left. But the only reason she didn't was because I was her friend...
This event did ruin my Christmas, yes. I felt led on and horrible for making her uncomfortable... and yet she was so openly affectionate with me, hugging me like normal friends would and sharing drinks... But now? After what happened? Thinking about touching her makes me nervous, in a bad, anxiety way. My brain has cut any connection between her and the word 'safety' bcus I no longer can express myself as freely as I did and... it hurts. It really does.
Even today, I found that she removed me from her following on Insta, and it hit harder than I thought it would. She wants nothing to do with me. Nothing at all...
So, people of Tumblr... how do you just get over someone like this without jumping into a rebound relationship? (I haven't dated another human being before, and I genuinely can't)
