#lovelytyrasaying

[cybertrophicr]

Taste lagu aku memang bercampur. Lagu orang tua aku suka dengar sebab dia menghadirkan satu rasa yang menyebabkan aku mengimbau zaman dulu. Lagu zaman 60-an smpai 90-an sesetengah je aku layan. Klasik fm, Nasional fm dan Lite fm, antara siaran radio yang menjadi pilihan aku untuk feeling emo emo sikit. Lagipun aku suka suasana ada background music slow sikit volume saja tak nak bagi suasana sunyi sangat. Kadang2 sebab tuu je .. 

[cybertrophicr]

I mean Goodbye

Sakit rasanya kene tinggal. Takde apa nak dibincangkan lagi dah. Dia pun dah jumpa yang dia suka. Aku hanya persinggahan je. Aku tak rase nak nangis sbb aku dah pro dah bab pendam perasaan ni. Nampak mcm tak kisah tapi hati ni pedih jugaklah rase dia. Kalau betul aku nak game dia, kenapa aku rasa nak nangis bila dia rasa dia dipergunakan aku. Aku bukan nak game dia, aku cuma seloowww bab-bab relationship ni. Boleh katakan dia first la yang mampu buat aku rasa selesa nak into other kind of relationship.

[cybertrophicr]

I’m being bitter

There is nothing like happiest thing in my life. All things are just the same things. I don’t feel anything about it. There is no happiest moment in my life. If there was, I don’t remember anything about it because once the happiest moment take over for awhile, I wouldn’t bother to remember again but I will always remember bitter parts of my life because that’s what has made me today, too much over-thinking and cannot focus in the present. I’m sorry, I’m sick weirdo. I know it.  Afterward, I didn’t remember. – 15 June 2019, the date which the lunch occurred. This date was my last father’s birthday for 64th. Then, they asked about happiest moment when I was in sadness. Truly no one has to care about feeling but please don’t ask me to share with all the people. I can share if there is only 2-3 people. I cannot go more than that. That’s my limit of trying to get out of my introvert part.

Happiest moment abah kau !

[cybertrophicr]

Introverted Problem again

The people who always bother my mind will be written down in this post. I’m not a psycho. I’m just sharing the things that I cannot share with other people because it’s too personal and it’s just my own over-thinking. If I shared it with other people, I’m afraid people would think I was just stigmatizing the facts that didn’t seem so solid to be proven. And as a matter of fact, it is childish thing ever to take everything personally. That is why, whenever people asked me about what I’m feeling during my internship period, I would be typically say “I’m just fine” even though other people in the room realize I was lying. I’m not fine okay. I’m not being fully exposed to what is pharmaceutical industry. I’m just doing things that anyone can do – the SOPs things. The reason why I don’t want to speak the truth, it was already late at that time and I didn’t want any further explanation upon my unsatisfied work that I got. And then, I’m an honest person, I’m afraid that my opinion would be too honest or too stupid.

[cybertrophicr]

introverted problem

Me, myself cannot interact friendly easily with anyone whom I bumped with for the first time because I always have 97% trust issue with people around me due to myself who usually adapt with my own dark circle of life. I usually will talk with people who are near me for entire time. Even though I usually talk with people who are near me, still doesn’t make any different as I also have trust issue with them. By another means, I’m not always wanted to share what I’ve found, what I know my opinion or concerns with them knowing that in the end, they don’t give any plausible explanation to show their interest to share and any response that will satisfy me. From that moment, I realize I’m not an important person and afterward, every single time people make conversation, I would prefer to stay silent because my trust to get in touch and share anything with them have been destroyed just in a matter of second once they don’t show any interest to talk with me. You do that, I would do the same. I’ve tried but no one care or notice, so, I will stay in my own bubble as extrovert people doesn’t let me, introvert person to be part of them.

[cybertrophicr]

Pendosa

Siapa kata buat baik tu hipokrit ? bagi manusia yg sempit pemikirannya , mmg berubah ke arah kebaikan nampak hipokrit , tidak menjadi diri sendiri . Tapi , kalau kita buat jahat , adakah betul itu diri kita sendiri ? Padahal , secara fitrahnya , kita dilahirkan sebagai orang yang beriman , sebagai orang Islam , sbgai orang yang taat pada perintah Allah SWT . Jadi , kalau sekali kita buat jahat dan ingin kembali kepada kebaikan , itu tak pun dipanggil hipokrit. Itu dipanggil kembali kepada fitrah . -Orang yang hipokrit adalah bilamana seseorang itu buat jahat dan tak menjadi diri sendiri . #untukkitapendosa

[cybertrophicr]

Mood

Kadang-kadang aku terfikir jugak, kenapa aku asyik rasa nak marah ek? Hati aku selalu tak tenang. Ini tanda-tanda orang punyai masalah hati ke? Aku dah try jaga solat, baca Al-Quran.. tapi bila bercampur dengan orang, mood aku rasa nak marah, geram, bengang, memang tak tenang lah bercampur dengan orang. takbur ke aku? Salah satu tanda-tanda takbur yang aku ingat, cepat bosan buat benda baik, lepas tu, jenis mudah tersinggung. Maksudnya macam diri sendiri jelah betul, bila orang lain tegur marah, tersinggung... Dulu, aku bebas je perasaan aku, tak de nak emosi, nak ambik hati sangat. Apesal makin meningkat umur makin upgrade pulak perasaan nak marah... Serious talk,, aku kalau bercampur dengan orang rasa nak marah. Tu sebab aku prefer aku jadi pendiam, sebab sedar tak sedar nanti mulut ni cakap bende yang boleh menyinggung perasaan orang. DAN kadang-kadang jugak aku bingung, runsing, aku nak jaga hati orang, tapi mudah je orang sakit kan hati aku.... Ishh.. entah laa.. Bersandarkan pada konsep biar orang buat kita, jangan kita buat orang ye tak... Arggghhh entah laaa malas nak fikir...  

[cybertrophicr]

Stoppppp....

Teruk gile masalah trust issue aku. Aku bukan tak percaya kat orang, cuma aku rasa tak selamat bila aku tak tahu jawapannya. Aku rasa tak selamat sebab aku sedar, aku ada sisi gelap aku suka bersangka buruk dengan orang. Itu sebab kadang2 tengok timing aku direct tanya, kenapa dan paksa orang tu jawab sebab aku nak tahu. AKu rasa aku takut nak buat bende yang aku suka sebab aku tanam sifat expectation terhadap manusia besar sangat. Ya Allah... aku cuba tanamkan harapan pada Allah pertama-tama yang mungkin sebab kalau manusia, belum tentu lagi kene expectation.. Heishh.. hilang nikmat bahagia aku bila aku dah kenal erti seronoknya bersendirian sebab rasa tenang dan sunyi. Bila dan berkumpul ramai-ramai dengan manusia, aku jadi pembengis dan kurang bersabar dan tergesa-gesa nak tinggalkan sekumpulan manusia tuu supaya aku boleh buat kerja sendirian... Tapi aku sedar.. aku perlukan teman untuk berbual, bercerita, berkongsi pendapat biar terbuka minda... aku kalau boleh tak nak jadi kera sumbang ,,, Dulu aku tak macam ni. Aku happy buat yang aku suka.. tak meratapi pun perhatian orang tapi sekarang... aku mcm nak sangat apa yang aku harap pada orang tuu menjadi kat aku.... terlalu kuat berangan... dulu aku kuat berangan jugak tapi ada la achievement.. tapi sekarang makin besar makin malas... apa yang aku nak sebenarnya? kenapa aku tak bersungguh....hmmm.. sampai bilalah aku nak kutuk diri sendiri ni? pokok pun kalau cakap bende2 buruk kat dia, dia pun layuu.. ini kan pulak manusia.. lagi perlu motivasi fizikal, mentaliti dan rohani...  mHmmm.... Aku tak nak complain banyak2, takut lagi banyak yang menduga tapi hati ni lemah. Mudah terpedaya... heishh.. Ya Allah, kuatkan lah hati Atirah nii.. AMin...