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[maeby-words]

Day One: What does dominance mean to you?

I’ve started another 30 day writing challenge thanks to the amazing individuals at Loving BDSM. They have a free 30 Days of D/s email program that provides topic prompts delivered daily to your inbox. Please check them out and support them. They also have a fantastic podcast.

So, let’s begin..

What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?

When I first started my journey into D/s, I definitely had an idea of what made for a good Dominant. An ill-formed idea. My ideal Dominant was grown from erotica, pornography, and forum posts based in fantasy. They were fiercely protective and loyal. But also strict, harsh, and no nonsense. When Sir would give me a break, show compassion.. I’d almost feel betrayed. Like it was wrong in some way. I had a narrow view of dominance.

After living our power exchange relationship for some years now, I’ve come to realize that a good Dominant is one who is suited to whatever dynamic they’re a part of. One that serves their relationship. Someone who knows themself and their charge. So my new idea of what dominance looks like in a relationship is flexible. My relationship, my Dominant, and his dominance doesn’t have to look or function a certain way to be right. To be good. Nor does anyone else’s.

[maeby-words]

Bad Tapes

I first heard the term bad tapes on the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords also explained the term in the podcast blog:

Ever had a moment when something happening today reminds you of a bad experience from days, weeks, or even years before – and you react based on that memory? Worse, you later realized you overreacted and treated someone unfairly? John Brownstone and I call that combination of memory and reaction a “bad tape.” These are old experiences and memories that can play on a loop in your head telling you that you’re not good enough or that your partner doesn’t really love you.

Sir and I played some bad tapes today. Stale mixtapes that overstayed their welcome. We engaged in a fundamentally ridiculous argument in a dynamic where fights shouldn’t happen. But we got through it. Sorted it after lots of my tears and a dedicated discussion.

Sir mentioned that he acted, in part, on old expectations about what would come next. What I’d do, what my intentions were. He thought he had to be preemptive, stop an attack. I was offended because I’m not that person anymore. But it’s a bad tape. Tape that was created during a period of toxicity. Before we knew who we could be.

I have my own bad tapes. I jumped to the conclusion that he didn’t respect me. That I had to be defensive and protect myself. I assumed he’d be unreasonable. Instead of immediately submitting and then having a respectful discussion, I let the tape play.

There are still a few things to unpack and think about. I deeply desire to be submissive in every moment, to ignore the bad tapes and act on what I know is true now. I’m left with worries that my failure to do so will mellow his desire to control. He has his own lingering concerns and thoughts.

What I absolutely am sure of is that we love each other. That we forgive each other. And that we always have each other.