How are you so strong? My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half, only to be told I'm completely infertile. I feel like every piece of me is completely shattered and am really struggling to pick up all the pieces. Also, I'm so beyond sick of hearing the whole " it'll happen eventually." You have time, you're so young." Or my favorite "You are too young, you aren't ready." I just feel so defeated lately. I don't know how to function normally anymore.
Oh babe. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling. I still have so many questions unanswered about my own fertility, but I haven't been given any kind of definitive diagnosis like that.
And I'm not strong. Not by any measure of it. I'm a wreck every month this doesn't work. I blame myself for a myriad of sins: I shouldn't have waited so long, I shouldn't have taken so many kinds of birth control, I shouldn't have terminated a pregnancy at 19, I shouldn't have said I never wanted kids, I shouldn't have made fun of other people for wanting kids (and I really shouldn't have, that was super shitty of me), I should have been less selfish in my 20's, more ready to be a mother then, etc.
The list goes on. I beat the shit out of myself every month. I make myself crazy wondering if this will ever happen. If I even deserve it. If all this struggle is worth it. I swing wildly back and forth between "fine, fuck it, I'm barren. Let's just move on and maybe I'll pick up an expensive drug habit or get into some kind of super dangerous hobby." and "NO. I WILL CONQUER MY OWN BODY. UTERUS YOU WILL DO WHAT I COMMAND IMMEDIATELY."
I bore the shit out of my friends and family with endless stream of consciousness monologues about what I'm doing to try to get pregnant and what I'll do next if this doesn't work.
I am petty and jealous of my friends and family who can seemingly get knocked up just by THINKING about it. I plot the violent murders of anyone who tells me to "pray on it" or "good things come to those who wait." (Motherfucker, I HAVE WAITED. HOW LONG DO I NEED TO WAIT? Give me an ETA dammit.)
I cry so much that I get annoyed with myself even while I'm crying.
I get mad. I get frustrated. I seethe with silent rage when my husband doesn't want to put out on demand because I think he's intentionally ruining our chances of getting pregnant this month.
I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't get pregnant. Or stay pregnant.
I hate myself for how much I think about it. I hate myself for how tied to this idea that motherhood will somehow magically complete me. I feel like a traitor to my feminist ideology every time I hear myself think "you're broken. Your body is failing you. You're a failure to the female species." I can't help that I think that, but I know, logically that it's gross, biological essentialism at it's worst and it squicks me out that despite all my high minded book learnin' I still think that my only function as a woman is to produce offspring.
I can't figure out when I turned into the sort of person who logged every bit of goo that came out of her body but now I am. I have peed on my own hands trying to take pregnancy tests and ovulation tests more times than I can count. I try to remind myself that this isn't disgusting, it's just training for being a parent.
I'm scared of giving birth. Terrified. I worry that my fear of giving birth is somehow magically keeping me from getting pregnant. Like my body knows I'm not strong enough to handle actually pushing a kid out of my hoo haw.
I'm worried I'll be a terrible mother. Maybe that's why I can't get pregnant. I never learned to share my frustration without screaming. I'm worried I'm too selfish to get up in the middle of the night to care for an infant. I'm worried that I won't care enough about shitty finger paintings or junior high band recitals or whatever bullshit science project I'm supposed to be involved in.
I'm scared. I'm scared literally all of the time. I'm scared I won't get pregnant, I'm scared I will. I'm scared I won't qualify to be an adoptive parent if it comes to that because of my long and well documented history with mental illness.
I'm more worried that I will somehow end up being able to be a mother and I'll fuck it up.
No one is strong, I guess is what I'm saying. I'm not living in a vacuum of good intentions and hope. I am sad, I am angry and I am scared.
Just like anyone in this position would be. Feel what you're feeling, there's literally no other way to get through this crap stack other than being honest with ourselves about how we feel. Blind optimism is great for as long as you can manage it, but eventually you just have to live through it.
And you can live through it. We're here to help if you need to vent.