#low lows

[izzeanne]

Enneagram Type 4:The Individualist Aesthetic

[two4joy]

Pride was... Weird as hell.

[nettes247]

On this date last year ...I had the worst day of my life and i had nothing and no-one to hold onto, the traumatic events that I experienced gave me PTSD that took me several months to recover from . The stress I experienced on this date last year was a major contributing factor to my hair loss .

At around this exact time last year I was tieing a noose out of jeans and was planning to hang myself from a ceiling fan 🤣🤣🤣 ( the ceiling fan would have broke now that I think about it) ...and stopped to think to myself "If I can hold out for the next few hours I should feel a little better " . Thankfully I tested this statement and I was right . After a few hours I asked myself " would I feel better after a few days" , answered my own question and I was right .

I kept building on this and I asked myself " would hings be better for me after a few months", I waited patiently while making the best moves I could...and I was right , I'm so grateful for the intesne lows I've experienced because thoes experiences gave me a point of reference where I can now enjoy good times with a sense of gratitude.

[soft-smell-of-paint]

I feel bad for what I did to my body yesterday, but I was in such a need to hurt myself that I couldn't cope. I was drinking heavily, vodka and beer, snorting tons of brown powder and smoking cigarettes, which I never do. And I was feeling so good dancing with my friends and people that usually annoy me, but as the highs were high, the lows were low. I felt so great, I was spinning, everything was bright, I loved the music, I loved the people and most of all, I loved how my body worked differently from how it does normally. I wanted to drown myself in drugs, I wanted to make my skin and brain ang heart go numb, I wanted to fly and dissappear. And I got that, for brief moments. I remember laying on the grass, staring at the sky, the water, the fire, the people, and wanting to go away and never come back. It felt so good and so sad, and so happy.

On the other hand, the lows made me want to never even look at alcohol again, helped me recollect my will to live and function properly. And when I felt my body begging me for relief, I was suddenly back on my feet, though not literally. I wanted to go to my bed, cut myself and stare at my ceiling until all the booze is out of my system and I fell asleep the next morning. It was so bad. So much regret and urge to make everything better, to live. Just the normal, I guess. And I'm grateful for that state, because if it wasn't for it, I would be in a far worse shithole than I am now.

All in all, the day was magnificent. Awesome party, I'm so glad I went.

[puffular]

It seems as though I will never escape you. You wait patiently for me to rebuild myself and feel stable only to knock me down hard enough to leave an imprint of me in the ground and each time its a little bit deeper. I've dealt with you in a number of ways, some healthy, some very unhealthy, but nothing seems to rid you from me. I am currently on the ground begging you to ease up and all I hear is deafening white noise. I'm trying so hard to get up for myself but I'm finding it becomes more difficult to find that motivation to exist. If you take the last shred of light I carry then I will be a goner.

[ramblesramblings]

Starting to feel like there’s nothing left is the worst. I used to be more than this.

[uhhhlone]

It has been very hard thus far. Summer has barely begun and I have already spent the multitude of my time wishing away my existence, apologizing to the empty space between us, and looking up to the moon for a confidant. These nights are long-- the days are longer. There is as there always has been, so much pain within me. 

I look at those who have and who surround me with such joy, love, and envy. More than anything, there is this need inside of me to be more like all of you; more loving, more understanding, less greedy, less selfish, less of who I am, and more of who you all are. 

As I lie on my bed listening to the ghosts of the past fill my ears with their own heartbreaks, I think about the numerous heartbreaks of my own that I have brought upon myself. Inability to trust, understand, listen, and exist in a manner that no longer hurts those who come into contact with me. I dream about the endless void that awaits us all-- the untouchable place in which the paralyzing pain becomes an eternal numbness. 

To all of you, and to all who will be, I am sorry.