#lsbe

[lunechante]

Forces de caractère

Empathy and active listening

The fourth and fifth strengths the group used to define me are empathy and active listening. I find them too intertwined to be reflected upon separately.

If someone cries, I cry. If there’s tension in the room, I soak it up as a sponge - as my mom would say. I often feel other people’s emotions. Strongly. No later than this morning, a mum cried telling her son she was proud of him as we (a colleague and myself) were telling her how considerate and caring he is. I cried too. Most of the time I can tell whether they’re positive or negative. That’s it. I can’t label them. So I don’t know what to do, how to deal with them - it’s the same with mine. I have empathy in that I feel the physical passion and affection. But I don’t understand it. I can’t go any further than just feeling. So my understanding is that I suck at this, so much. Again, apparently not.

Active listening is something I am learning. I know that to be a good friend, you have to be a good listener, so that’s what I provide to my close ones. It’s something I find difficult, but I know I’m good at it - not only from the friend who told me in training, but from my sister too. My friend said she knows she can call me and I’ll listen. Like humour, it’s not natural to me. I’m a problem solver. You have a problem, I want to fix it. It wasn’t until my 20s either that I learnt that the way to fix some problems is to listen. So I try. But I never really learnt active listening. I try. I’ve been trying for years. I feel like I suck at it because I was never taught. But apparently I did teach myself. It’s now a strength I have. And yet, when I am in need of being listened to (and I am, a lot), I have no idea who to turn to. I get stuck with myself. Keep it all in, no one to reach out to. I provide what I need but don’t get it I return.

That’s the problem I have with positive psychology. My negativity bias is overwhelming. I know it need to work on this issue. Not against this bias, rather with it, to tame it so it doesn’t annihilate any positivity. Equalise. When I started writing that paragraph, I intended to write about the internal struggle I was having. Solved it before putting it into words. If you train your brain to focus on the positive, then you don’t focus on fixing the problems that can be solved to improve your life. Black and white. But it shouldn’t be an opposition. It’s a balance.

[lunechante]

Forces de caractère

Resourcefulness

The third strength the group mentioned to describe me is full of resources.

That one I agree with, no discussion. I didn’t think of it myself, but it’s undeniable. I guess it’s because I see at as crucial, like, humans have to find tools to get through, we just have to. It’s neutral.

I’m full of resources and able to help my close ones when they need. And they seem to know when I can help and not hesitate to come to me. It is true. For many things. When it’s not work-related, then mostly administrative stuff (I wouldn’t say I enjoy that, but I find its predetermined and mechanical aspect relaxing, as long as it’s not stupid like ‘tick the boxes that are so disconnected from reality you don’t fit any’). And writing. I’m my whole family’s public writer. I write my sister’s motivation letters, I proofread and amend my mom’s sensitive mails, or people’s thesis, CVs, motivation letters. I can’t satisfyingly write one for myself, but apparently I’m good at pulling the needed personal data and arranging it.

At work, colleagues come to me for computer stuff, but also to ask about tons of different things - about meetings, projects, the kids,… Actually quite the same as in my personal sphere. I even occasionally help colleagues with IT stuff in their own personal life. I hate IT stuff, I really couldn’t care less. And I’m really not good at it, is can just do basic stuff, things that seem to be the bare minimum to me. Most older people around me (but also younger, like my sister, as people born from the late-1990s onwards were not taught to use a computer or an office suit at school) come to me because of that. I am happy to help, but also I find engaging in it annoying. It’s like what Jean-Louis Trintignant’s character says in Those Who Love Me Can Take The Train: ‘I don’t like it, but I’m good at it’. It’s okay. I have to come to terms with it.

I realise two things writing this: the resources I am known for are the same in every sphere (including empathy and active listening about which I’ll write later), and I forgot the second thing already [2 days later that other thought still has not come back to my mind]

I also give cooking and baking advice, I can help with different languages. A friend sometimes calls me for help making decisions - if I have knowledge on the matter that can weight. I’m realising now at some point or an other, most things I am (even self)educated about, will or has at some point been in use to help a close one.

I don’t know how I feel about that though. I want to know everything, and I’m proud to be recognised for that. It makes me autonomous and that’s what I want to be. But I also think that I see sharing my resources as a way to make people like me. Especially for stuff I take no pleasure at. I don’t feel proud of that. Quite ashamed actually.

I’ve been thinking and I’m pretty sure I get all these resources for my own autonomy. I know (have learnt) sharing resources that is a tool to connect and yesterday I wrote in a draft that I don’t think it’s a respectable one. I think it’s because I see it as a form of manipulation and I remain convinced any form of manipulation is intrinsically bad (I even philosophically struggle with politeness). But I feel like I’m beginning to change my mind about it.

[lunechante]

Forces de caractère

Humour

The second strength the group used to describe me is creativity. Humour is something I struggled a long time to understand. A very long time. Up until my 20s, it felt like a foreign language. My whole life I’ve been told I’m a killjoy. Because I don’t laugh at what should be funny - or rather, what is socially established as funny. And what makes me laugh, many people don’t grasp.

I did drama from 8 to 17 with a comedy company that worked with teenagers. My mom said that’s what opened me to other people (though I had had dance lessons since the age of 4). I don’t think I really got the comedy side of it. I did learn a lot about what is considered to be funny. Traditional theatre comic situations and dialogues. My love for language made it easy to enjoy puns - but also critical as it also means I care too much about the precise meaning of words. I think most puns are lazy and not accurate, so don’t work (killjoy) but when they do...

Reading sociological essays about humour helped me a lot. I still don’t laugh, but I do understand why many people find sexism, racism, homophobia and many other reasons from exclusion funny. How on Earth can they be that wrong and keep thinking that? Killjoy. For a while my (male) friends’ favourite activity was to constantly tell misogynistic jokes (or even just stuff) to watch me get angry. They thought it was fun watching me fulminate. That I don’t get. Yet I was forced for weeks to show no reaction at all so they would stop. The fun was literally to make me furious. When I stopped, they stopped. Some strangers morons still do that, and it’s hard to pretend not to care. But reacting makes it worse. How? Why? How is it the people who actively use humour as a tool for oppression the ones who firmly believe humour is neutral and apolitical? How can they be so blind to their own actions?

Still, this LSBE exercise showed that people who know me think I’m funny.

There is only one type of comedy I have always loved: dumb guy. But like, kind ones that are presented with empathy so even though you laugh at them, you tenderly love them. One of my favourite films as a kid was La Tour Montparnasse Infernale. Then there was Mission Cléopatre, and all the Nuls and Chabat things (funny how I did not understand most of the jokes, I loved it at 9 or 10, and every time I watch them again I find more reasons to love them). So I also grew fond of the absurd. I love it. I admire people who excel at that humour so much because I’m so ground I’m incapable of it. And I love being smart and a know-it-all and knowledge is one of the the things I value the most so my taste in humour is not what makes me fun.

I watch way too many films and series. Especially British ones. That’s how I discovered sarcasm. In my very late teens, I understood it as a casual way of interacting that sounded cool, so I learnt it. Basically by mimicking. To me it was like a foreign language, but I wanted to use it. Around that time, I got into Wes Anderson, but it wasn’t until years later I understood many of his characters were sarcastic. The first years I was rude. Then I got less rude and began actually being good at it. The only thing is, I don’t ‘see’ micro-expressions. I do have an expressive face most of the time but it’s actually over-expressive. Otherwise it’s neutral. So, I do sarcasm, but without the micro-expressions. I think I understood from what the group said that’s what makes me funny: I casually, l’air de rien, say the funny thing. So it looks natural. In fact it’s nothing like it. At all. And even I am completely able to tell whether someone is being sarcastic or not if I don’t know them really well - and I have panic attacks and insomnia about it for days.

Besides, I have the knack. It runs in the family, my cousin’s the same but it never seemed to bother him. It was hard to swallow for the teenager I was and always hurt a bit. I can just walk into a stage, not doing anything than walking there being myself, and the audience laughs. I don’t know why. It’s there. It’s cool. But also I can’t understand it so it freaks me out.

So I guess I do understand why people see that it me, yet I’m highly surprised it is perceived as an essential part of me when it’s something that has required and still requires a lot of effort that I often don’t feel like engaging in. And that to me still is a symbol of failure to understand and communicate.

[lunechante]

Forces de caractère

Creativity

The first strength the group used to describe me is creativity. I think I lack creativity. Actually I think I am not creative. And I more often than not find myself wishing I were. I yearn to be creative.

The examples the group mentioned are true - I sew and stitch, scrapbook, make costumes and gifts from scratch. Also I am colourful. With my hair (light mint right now) and my ever poly-chromic look, I’m the opposite of dull. It’s quite the first thing one notices about me. They even said my students talk about my classes being creative. I have always aimed towards that but always feel like I fail. That really got to me. I could add a few more examples myself. I cook and bake and write.

I put bright colours everywhere - clothes, decoration, make up, my own hair, food, books, my car, stationery, the lessons I teach, the lessons I study... Everywhere I can see them. There’s an explanation to all this: sensory processing sensitivity. I avoid light but am mesmerised by bright colours and glitter and patterns. Makes me feel good. Helps me organising. It’s soothing.

That’s the one thing I never toned down. The only thing I always did whatever I need and wanted about. And now I understand how it’s a reflection of creativity. But I never thought it was it as a quality of mine. I am colourful. It’s who I am. And I unapologetically stand by it. Always have. Growing up and becoming a teacher, I thought it was important to have kids understand they should be who they are. Dress however they want as long as they feel like it.

Use colours to make their life easier. I can be unyielding on many things - the main one being respect. But respect is allowing every one to be. So I’m always the one encouraging to do what you want. I’m the teacher who doesn’t care which colour you use in your notebook as long as you fancy looking at it - that’s a hard thing to grasp for 11year-olds. I encourage my close ones to dare. Wear these yellow shorts, you love yourself in them and everyone should know! I am dead scared of the eyes of others. Not when I comes to this!

[lunechante]

Forces de caractère

Yesterday, I had a professional training about life skills education.

I’m finding out as I’m writing the English denomination. Seems pretty obvious. In French it’s compétences psychosociales (psychosocial skills). Sounds more academic, yet less indicative of its everyday nature.

We did this exercise when we had to think of our three main qualities, which we called character strengths (forces de caractère) to avoid negative bias. Then other people from the group (all long-term colleagues - some friends I guess - and one of the trainers) would then write down our 5 main qualities according to them.

It felt very weird and I had a pretty delayed reaction. I’m actually writing now as an attempt to process it.

Some of these qualities are a mystery to me. I feel like I understand what they means but when I try wording them it’s all blurry and I don’t know any more.I didn’t dare open about that. I did ask the difference between ‘curiosity’ and ‘love for learning’ though. I didn’t feel as exposing as straight up saying I don’t understand a basic word like ‘humility’.

My own description and their description are two totally different things. I am perceived in a may I do not perceive myself. I think it’s a super positive description. And I know it must be true, coming from 4 different people. But I feel bad about it - can’t pinpoint the feeling though. It doesn’t feel like my because its not what I feel defines me. I wrote 10 other qualities that I think I have, and these 5 were not part of them.